Gemstones Episode 1.8: Kelvin's testicles, Jesse's butt, and ancient Philistine penises. WIth testicular bonus

In the last episode, Scotty kidnapped Gideon and Jesse, forced them to open the church vault, and stole the Easter offering money, incidentally confessing that he had been in love with Gideon.  Judy and BJ had a breakup scene, but Kelvin and Keefe barely appeared.  In Episode 1.8,, their romance is centric. 

Title: "But the righteous will see their fall." Proverbs 26:19: "When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall"

An Old Man's Dick:  It's still Easter evening.  After dropping off Judy at her house, Baby Billy asks Tiffany "Who wants to suck an old man's dick?" She goes down on him while they are driving down dark country roads near the estate.  Suddenly Scotty, driving away with the money he stole, runs a stop sign and crashes into their car!   They are unharmed, but Scotty is near death (Tiffany finishes the job by accidentally shooting him).  Then they steal the money.  An interesting call-back here: earlier Scotty implies that he forced Gideon into oral sex, and he dies while interrupting consensual oral sex, an ironic punishment of the sort you would see in 1950s horror comics. 

Top five young ministers:  Gideon admits to being Scotty's partner in the offering-theft plan, and is rejected by Eli and Amber.  But he doesn't mention his part in the blackmail plan!  We cut to Jesse telling his siblings that they are in the clear. But how do they know he won't tell later, and implicate them in the assault?   Worried that he'll be arrested, Kelvin is having anxiety attacks and "sharp shit pains in my stomach" (hemorrhoids?).   Even if he wasn't convicted, the scandal would destroy his career.   "I was in the Top Five Young Ministers to watch last year -- I got a reputation -- a following."  Wait -- if he's so famous, why is his whole plot arc about proving his worth?

Denim brings lunch:  We cut to scenes where Baby Billy and Tiffany leave town with the offering money, Eli worries that the whole enterprise is corrupt, and Jesse apologizes to Gideon for pushing him away and starting the whole mess. Eli admits, for the only time in the series, that the church's finances are not entirely above-board.

 Next, Judy tries to mend her relationship with BJ by bringing him lunch at the optometrist office.  Whoops, his coworker Denim already picked up lunch.  "So you're having sex with BJ?"  No, she's a lesbian -- she has a wife.  This does not convince Judy, who calls her: "One of those benevolent lesbians, out to meet a hot guy, make friends with him, so you can sample-suck some clean dick."  BJ's nonchalance about LGBT people, plus Judy's sort-of nonchalance, will become important later.

He refuses to take Judy back, so she storms into the parking lot and starts destroying cars, finally getting arrested.

Hemorrhoids and Testicular Tumors: Keefe is swimming while Kelvin tries not to look at the body that is giving him so many unwelcome desires.   He wants to know how he can rid the world of darkness, when he's surrounded by it: his mother died, Eli was assaulted, the church was robbed. Not to mention Jesse committing assault and probably vehicular homicide.  He concludes that God is punishing the family for "not being who we say we are."  

Left: Kelvin's testicles. 

But Kelvin had nothing to do with those things. He was in the car with his siblings when they ran over the blackmailers, but he didn't assault anyone.  At most he failed to tell anyone.  How does "not being who we say we are" apply to him?  Unless he is talking about being gay.

"Don't you think God is being a little harsh?" Keefe asks.  We all wear masks; we hide things even from ourselves.  

Kelvin laugh/cries and says "I think we're getting off easy...when the Philistines stole the Ark of the Covenant, God punished them with hemorhhoids and testicle tumors."  

He's referring to an obscure story in 1 Samuel 4-5, where the Philistine thieves were punished with opalim. The King James Bible translates the Hebrew word as "emeroids" (now "hemorrhoids") and the NIV as "tumors."  An article in Biblical Archaeology Review points out the importance of penises in Philistine art, and suggests "flaccid penises."   No one mentions testicles; apparently Kelvin invented it, to correspond to the glimpse of Keefe's testicle that began his recognition of his homoerotic desire.

Next: "You should go, Keefe."  Keefe doesn't understand: "You want me to make a store run?"  Kelvin becomes angrier and angrier: "Go.  Leave.  Get out. I am no longer fit to lead you!" 

Kelvin scratches his butt as he says this.  Apparently he has hemorrhoids, and thinks that God is punishing him -- an ironic punishment for having anal sex? Will testicular tumors come next? 

Keefe disagrees: "There's no one more worthy than you."

 "Get the fuck out of here! Now! Do I need to call security, motherfucker?"  This is shockingly aggressive. Besides, if Keefe has been living there for several months, you have to give him 30 days notice.

Keefe wades away, holding his swimsuit like he held his shirt during the mushroom head scene.  The intimacy he enjoyed that night has been revoked.  Kelvin falls into the pool and screams and cries.

Why does Kelvin send Keefe away?  If he's no longer qualified to be a spiritual leader due to the assault of the blackmailers, they could certainly continue to live together.  It must have something to do with the "hemorrhoids and testicular tumors," the intimacy they shared, or even homoerotic desire itself.  Kelvin believes that it is evil, demonic, that Keefe is a serpent who tempted him.  I don't care much for this association between LGBT identities and sin, but the show has been careful to establish that it's in Kelvin's head, not a general theme, structurally or in-universe.  

Testicular bonus after the break. Caution: explicit.

Merrick Hanna: The God of Heterosexual Desire has 345 billion social media followers. Do they like his dancing, his acting, or his d*ck?

 

I don't know who Merrick Hanna is, but he has 6,000 photos on the teen idol site, including some shirtless.  Obviously straight: 90% of the photos show him with a girl.  Usually he's just standing there, grinning with delight at being the object of worship, while the girl hugs, kisses, duck lips, licks, fondles, gropes, and gazes at him, or sticks her tongue out to demonstrate that she's much better than the rest of us poor mortals, the consort to a god.

But it's not just worship: the girl takes the initiative, forcing him to belly dance and bake a cake.  They appear together at formal events, spin for Christmas, eat hamburgers, fight monsters, claim to be serial killers, go on rides at Disneyland. 

I should have dropped him as a potential profile right away, but I was fascinated.  Usually there are only a few photos with the girlfriend, or at most half of the collection.  Here they go on and on and on.  Why go through the trouble of having someone take and post hundreds of photos of your girlfriend worshipping you?  

Here's one where he's alone.  She must be taking the photo.

If I go back about a year on his Instagram, I run into a period of photos of Merrick alone or with guys, but then it's back to being hugged, kissed, fondled, and licked by a previous girlfriend,  Or maybe the same one?

What is this guy famous for?  I mean, you can't just worship someone out of nowhere.  He's got to turn water into wine or feed 5,000 people, or at least be hung, right?

Google says that he's "a talented dancer known for his flo-bot style," which he showcased on TikTok beginning when he was 12 (so in 2017).   Currrently he has 32 million followers and 718 million TikTok likes, not to mention Facebook and Instagram.

According to the IMDB, he's competed on AGT, SYTYCD, Das Supertalent, and Lip Sync Battle Shorties.  I imagine that if I was in his main audience, I would know what those shows or competitions are.

He began acting in summer productions of Much Ado About Nothing and A Winter's Tale with the Intrepid Theatre Company in Victoria, British Columbia (2014, 2016), and moved on screen with music videos and short films in 2017.

Some teencoms followed, like Sydney to the Max and Team Kaylie.

More after the break

"Knight of the Seven Kingdoms": Some bare bums, some cocks, bondage, and queerbaiting in this magic-free prequel to "Game of Thrones"

 

I turned off Game of Thrones (2011-2019), a fantasy series on MAX, after the first five minutes.  First Peter Dinklage remains fully clothed as he has sex with a naked woman.  He chats with her over a closeup of her breasts before leading her to his bed, where three more naked women are waiting.

Then Emilia Clarke disrobes so her fully-clothed brother can feel her breasts in close-up twice.  When he leaves, her bottom fills the screen as she steps into the bathtub.

Ugh.  This was impossible!

But I heard that the prequel, The Knight of the Seven Kingdoms (2026), features a gay-subtext buddy bond between a Hedge Knight (Peter Claffey who played the straight guy in the gay-friendly Wrecked) and a character whose name I don't recall (the names all sound alike).  I'll give it a try, but the first bouncing breasts, and I'm outta here.

Episode 1, Scene 1:  A Hedge Knight (not attached to a prince) is digging a grave for his mentor, Ser Arlan of Pennytree (Danny Webb, left).  Isn't Pennytree one of those "everything for a dollar" stores?

It's raining, because even thousands of years ago in a galaxy far, far away, tired cliches rule: it always rains at funerals.  

Hedgie takes the guy's sword, because why bury it with him, and asks his horses what they should do now.  Maybe enter a tournament?  Why can't you keep on being a hedge knight?

He pauses to take off his clothes and poop.  Nice butt, but we actually see the poop coming out.  Gross!  

Scene 2: Hedgie approaches a inn, and orders a bald boy wearing a dress to take care of his horses.  The boy sneers and insults him.

Mr. Grant: "You got spunk.  I hate spunk!"  

The inn is empty except for a guy who is passed out drunk, because everyone is gone to the tournament at Ashford.

Uh-oh, the drunk guy comes to and says "Stay the f*ck away from me!", brandishing a knife.  Hedgie is shocked, but doesn't engage, and the guy stumbles up to his room.  I assumed that this was the gay-subtext boyfriend, but the guy doesn't appear again.  This scene was just padding. 

Scene 3: Hedgie catches the Bald Boy on his horse, playing at being a knight, and yells at him.  The Boy wants to come along as his squire; Hedgie refuses. 

"Please?  You're poor,  incompetent, and very stupid. You need a squire."

"Nope."

They will eventually get together.  But this isn't the boyfriend -- actor Dexter Soll Ansell is only eleven years old.  And not bald in real life (the character has shaved his head to avoid being identified as the Chosen One, I think.  His biography on wikipedia is endless and exceedingly complex.  

Scene 4: Off again.  Don't they have roads in this world?   Hedgie reaches the tournament, a lot of tents in the middle of nowhere, with people doing artisan-style work, like at a Renaissance faire.  He meets with the Master of the Tournament, who thinks he doesn't look like a knight. 

"I'm a knight,  Ser Dunk, knighted by Ser Arslan of Pennytree."  Ser Dunk, har har.  Better than Aslan.

"Never heard of him.  Are you sure you were knighted?"

"Um...um...sure...as he was dying, Ser Arslan performed the ritual."  We don't see it happening in a flashback.  I think Ser Hedgie is bluffing. 

Master notes that knighthood is sacred.  If you lie about your knighting, they hang you naked by your hands and feet and lower you onto a sharpened dildo.  Could we see that?

Then he laughs.  He was just kidding about the sharpened dildo, but you need someone to attest to your knight master.  Would anyone here know him?

"Sure, Ser Manfred of the House of Dodarrion."

"If he vouches for you,  I'll let you enter the tournament."

Scene 5: Outside Ser Manfred's tent: Two scantily clad pleasure ladies tell Hedgie that the Ser is napping.  They think he's come around because the Ser screwed his wife, and then mock him for being a hedge knight; "He's got to sleep in hedges because no Lord will have him."

This hurts Ser Hedgie's feelings.  "No need to say mean things!"  

"Toughen up!  The Ser will awaken by evenfall (dusk).  Come back then."

More after the break

"Breaking Fast": Gay Muslim gets dumped, finds a new boyfriend, shows his dick. But are any of the actors actually gay and Muslim?

 

In the short Breaking Fast (2015), it's Eid-al-Fitr, the last night of Ramadan, and Mo (Ryan Shrime) runs into Cal (probably gay bodybuilder Tom Berklund).  They discuss the suicide of Cal's boyfriend.  

That's all I can gather from Tom Berklund's demo reel: the movie is not available to stream, and the trailer is stuck behind paywalls and Trojan-infested websites.  But a review says that Mo is a gorgeous Superman-obsessed doctor dealing with tragedy (because all short films are about dealing with tragedy, right?), and the guys fall in love.

We don't have a lot of actors who are gay, out, and Muslim, so I thought I would check Ryan Shrime out.

Ryan's  Instagram starts off with three photo dumps of Christmas decorations. Dude is Christian

Then he visits Portugal and Israel with his travel buddy, a miniature Jesus.  Dude is Christian and wacko.

Next there are about 3,000 photos hugging and kissing ladies and playing with kids.  Dude is straight.

Why are you playing a gay Muslim, buddy?  Are you the only Arab-American actor willing to do it?  

Sigh.  Let's check for gay roles and nude photos anyway.  

Ryan got his degree from Harvard, then studied at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.  

Theatrical credits: Macbeth, King Lear, Much Ado About Nothing, The Engine of Our Ruin, The Ants

Nothing overtly gay themed there.

He founded the Middle Eastern Comedy Festival and the New York Arab American Comedy Festival

61 acting credits on the IMDB: The Mindy Project, Sam & Kat, Revenge, Grey's Anatomy, Madame Secretary, On My Block, and a lot that I don't recognize.  He complains on Threads that casting agents constantly tell him, "You're so great! I'm just looking for the right role for you," only to offer yet another terrorist role.

He is known for playing:

Lance Chambers on a 2015 episode of Gray's Anatomy: Meredith returns to Seattle to announce Derek's death (Patrick Dempsey, left) and gives birth; Amelia deals with her grief; April decides to stay in a war-torn country, upsetting Jackson (Jesse Williams, below); Ben and Bailey argue over an end-of-life decision. Oh, and Richard proposes to Catherine.  Lance is not mentioned in the plot synopses.  Would there even be room for him?

Ramjin Azizi on a 2017 episode of Madame Secretary, starring Tea Leoni as the Secretary of State: Blake comes out as bisexual, Stevie (a boy) misses a meeting with the Harvard Dean of Admissions when Jason gets sick, and Henry goes to Israel to retrieve the bio weapon, but ISIS agents steal it. Ramjin isn't mentioned in any of the plot synopses, but I'm guessing that he's not a terrorist.

Ryan is also known as the producer of Woe (2020): A brother and sister stumble upon their father's secret after his death. A review says that it's impenetrably art-noveau.  Well, the guy graduated from Harvard.  What do you expect?

At least he shows his dick (top photo).  Or is that misleading, too?

More hopefully gay and Muslim actors after the break