December is the cruelest month, overwhelming the senses with bright lights and crowds, asserting that if you don't feel ecstatic every second of every day, there is something wrong with you, while pushing melancholy nostalgia and horribly depressing songs. And the most depressing of all is the "Have yourself" monstrosity. One line is guaranteed to push my general Christmas depression into dark despair. Fortunately, singers extend every syllable indefinitely, so I'm usually able to run out of the store or shut off the tv during "Haaaaaaaaaaaaave youuuuuuuurself..."
I thought that I could expiate the demonic power of the monstrosity by researching where it began, with a viewing of Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) when I was nine or ten years old (in the 1970s!).
It's the summer of 1903, which many adults in the 1940s recalled through the nostalgic haze of childhood. After the Spanish American War, the U.S. occupied the Philippines, Guam, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico, a colonial empire rivaling those of Britain and France.
It was the era of the robber barons like Rockefeller and Vanderbilt, who amassed huge fortunes and transported Italian villas brick-by-brick to the new world.
The Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan, The Bobbsey Twins, Kim, and The Call of the Wild were brand new.
Everyone in St. Louis, the 4th largest city in the U.S., is all agog over the upcoming World's Fair, also known as the Louisiana Purchase Exposition. Although a paeon to American Exceptionalism, it will have exhibits from 65 countries. They'll be able to see X-ray machines and wireless telephones, gawk at "primitive tribes," and eat hot dogs, hamburgers, and cotton candy for the first time. time. And hear the song "Meet Me in St. Louis," about a man whose wife leaves him to go to the fair.
Trigger #1: Nazarenes were taught that fairs were Satanic, so this represented evil. Also, I recalled a song about a boy who is coming home late from the fair, no doubt the victim of foul play:
Oh, dear, what could the matter be -- Johnny's too late from the fair.
At 5135 Kensington Avenue, a trolley-ride away from downtown, fancy businessman Alonzo Smith (Leon Ames) and his family are eagerly anticipating the fair, and watching as the daughters fall in love.
Esther (Judy Garland) is in love with the Boy Next Door, John Truitt (Tom Drake), who isn't interested. She sings:
How can I ignore the boy next door?
I love him more than I can say
Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even tease me
And he never sees me glance his way
You forgot the last line: "Maybe he's gay."
Trigger #2: I hated Judy Garland after seeing her in the horrifying Wizard of Oz (the Witch counts down the minutes to her death!). Later, I heard that to ever listen to Judy Garland songs meant that you were gay, which was horrifying (I was extremely homophobic during my closeted high school years).
Tom Drake (top photo and right) was "a deeply closeted gay guy, given to despair." terrified that someone would find out.
Rose (Lucille Bremmer) is in love with Warren Sheffield (Robert Sully), but he's dating another girl (June Lockhart, who would become the Mom on Lost in Space).
Left: Presumably this is a different Robert Sully. I posted Billy Mummy as Will Robinson on Nysocboy's Beefcake and Bonding.
Little Sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) is apparently in love with the Ice Man, with whom she discusses whether St. Louis is the greatest city in the world. But there's really no discussion; of course it is. And they didn't even have that Arch yet.
Left: Random guy with cock.
Margaret O'Brien, only 8 years old when she was roped into Meet Me, had a career that lasted through the 2000s. Her last movie role to date is in This is Our Christmas (2018), where a family tries to save their beloved bakery from an evil developer (Margaret) and her son (Vincent de Paul, left).
There's also another daughter, a son, Lon Junior (Henry H. Daniels, Jr.), a grandpa, and a sarcastic maid (lesbian actress Marjorie Mains)
The Farewell Party: Lon Jr. is leaving for Princeton, so they throw him a party. The Boy Next Door is invited! Esther asks him out, but she waits for him at the trolley all afternoon, and he doesn't show up.
Hoping to find a new beau, she sings "The Trolley Song":
I went to lose a jolly hour on the trolley
And lost my heart instead
With his light brown derby and his bright green tie
He was quite the handsomest of men
I started to yen so I counted to ten
Then I counted to ten again
Halloween: At a bonfire, Tootie claims that The Boy Next Door hit her, so Esther goes to his house and punches and bites him.. Actually, he was trying to protect her from the police. Esther apologizes, and they kiss and start dating.
Brace yourself: depressing lyrics after the break. And a lot more cocks.
Then comes the disaster -- Dad announces that they're moving to New York. The family is devastated! New York, the cultural capital of the U.S.? Central Park, Greenwich Village, museums, art galleries, gay bars? You people are crazy.
The grieving Tootie makes snowmen resembling the family, as a sort of sympathetic magic to keep them in St. Louis.
Christmas Eve: At the big community party, the girls scheme to get Warren's girlfriend to dump him for Brother Lon, so Rose can have him. It works!
Then the Boy Next Door proposes to Esther, but she thinks they're too young; she's only 16, and he has to finish college first. Besides, she's leaving town.
Back home, Esther tries to to convince Little Sister Totie that they can have a merry...sob...Christmas...sob...in spite of the doom awaiting them:
Haaaaave yoooorself a merry little Christmas -- it may be your last.
Next year we may all be living in the past.
Wait -- scratch that -- too depressing, said the Queen of Depressing Songs. I don't see the problem -- the entire song is soul-destroying, no-hope, endless despair, so what's one little death?
Judy got her way, and changed the lyrics to:
Haaaaaave youuuuurself a merry little Christmas -- let your heart be light. From now on our troubles will be out of sight.
Are you kidding? Your problems are just beginning -- the horrors of New York, remember?
Once again as in olden days, happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were near to us
Will be dear to us once more
This make no sense. "Days of yore" means hundreds of years ago. Did the friends stop being dear at some point, so now they're returning to dearness? Besides, you're singing to your sister.
The snark isn't working. I'm remembering long lost friends of yore, some dead, some relegated to Facebook posts about where they had dinner, some vanished. Lord have mercy, this is depressing.
Even looking through my file of nude photos is depressing, as I remember where I found them, years ago....this experiment in "facing your fears" is going wrong. But let's muddle through somehow:
Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow
Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow
So haaaaaaaave youuuuuuuuurself a merry little Christmas now
Girl, you are together now -- the family is all there, dimwit.
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Trigger #3: I misheard "fates" as "saints," which means the Roman Catholic Church. Nazarenes taught that Catholics were evil Satanists. I don't think that now, but as a kid I was horrified.
Second Thoughts: Esther's song doesn't cheer Tootie up (obviously!). She goes on a psychotic rampage, and destroys the snow men (an obvious substitute for actually killing her family). Dad decides that if the idea of leaving St. Louis turns his daughter into a serial killer, they'd better stay put. And get her psychiatric help?
Everyone celebrates staying home. Warren proposes to Rose. Esther and Boy Next Door continue dating (until he returns to college).
Coda: In April all go to the World's Fair together. After all that build-up, they'd better.
Trigger #4: I thought this movie included the song "Easter Parade," which schizophrenic Sally Field sings as she recalls the horror of her abusive mother in Sybill (1976). It would certainly fit, but Judy doesn't sing it until Easter Parade (1948).
The Afterlife: In 1957, Frank Sinatra modified the lyrics to make them slightly (very, very slightly) less depressing:
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
So now every Gay Men's Chorus sings the song and depresses their audience every darn year.
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And haaaaaaaaaaave yoouuuuuuuurself a merry little Christmas now
The star doesn't hang, idiot, it goes on top of the tree.
The darn dirge has been covered by everyone from Ella Fitzgerald to Josh Groban, and appeared in hundreds of movies, even those without a Christmas theme, like When Harry Met Sally and Catch Me if You Can.
It can appear anywhere, at any time, in any season. So you'd better watch out, or you'll start to cry in the middle of July.
F*k the Sadness. Here's a shot of Adam Devine, from happier days. I'm going to go eat ice cream.
Bonus: the modern Will Robinson, Max Jenkins, all grown up and flexing.
See also: Bobby Hogan: From homophobic college to parody Spiderman, with some significant dicks in between
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