Christmas on the Square: Be thankful that you haven't seen this movie. With Josh Serrano, Treat Williams, and random nude dudes

Brax Alexander is promoting his 2020 movie, Christmas on the Square.  Usually I stay away from Christmas romcoms that preach how wonderfully fulfilling small towns are, as opposed to those soulless, heartless monstrosities, big cities, because I grew up in a small town.  My parents rhapsodized, almost daily, about my destiny: find The Girl of My Dreams,  get married, go to work in the factory, buy a house, have kids, die.  There were no other options.  

There was no such thing as same-sex desire or romance.  You spent time with boys in order to talk about girls or strategize on how to get girls.  When you found Her, you would abandon male loves, instantly and without hesitation.  They were trivial, steps on the road to the Girl of Your Dreams destiny.

I kept looking for a place where I could escape, where I could go through an entire day without the "What girl?  What girl? What girl?" interrogation.  Where people cared about beauty, wisdom, and love, not just reproduction.  Maybe even recognized the existence of men loving men. 

After college, I lived in West Hollywood, New York, Fort Lauderdale, and Minneapolis: Bookstores, art museums, cathedrals, Ethiopian restaurants, Thai restaurants, stores with rainbow flags in the windows, guys holding hands as they walked down the street: heaven.    

Oh, sorry, you wanted me to review the movie.  

Christmas on the Square was written by gay icon Dolly Parton, and stars gay icon Christine Baranski, plus Josh Segarra (top photo and left), who has played gay characters several time (he even played RuPaul's boyfriend). Furthermore, Dolly promotes the movie in an interview in Pink News, the gay magazine.  Surely this is a gay-positive Christmas romcom.  So here goes:

Scene 1:  A sound-stage town square in the town of Prairie View, with folks making merry.  Some very hot guys rush past, doing a high-step dance number -- but they ruin it by double-taking, en masse, at the hot girl who walks by.  At the end of their dance, they pair off, each guy with a girl.  Yuck!  This is the same brainwashing  I grew up with: "Every boy will fall in love with a girl!  There's no way out, no escape!  You are doomed!" 

A car drives past, with the evil, sunglasses-wearing Christine Baranski.  She sings: "Forget the past, be free at last, gotta get out of this town."  I like her -- she's the voice of thousands of LGBT people growing up in homophobic small towns, longing for a place where they can be free.  Of course, she's the villain. 

Amid the dancing, frolicking characters, the white-haired guy who runs the general store, no doubt Christine's Love Interest (played by Treat Williams, left) sings that "lovers walk in pairs." We only see male-female lovers.

 Focus character Felicity drives up and greets the stereotyped 1950s mailman.  She's the assistant of evil Christine Baranski, who continues to sing: "I know in time I'll lose my mind, if I don't get out of this town."  I had the same thought many times, back in Rock Island amid the "what girl do you like? what girl? what girl? what girl?" interrogation!

I'm getting angry.  They should have a trigger warning for all LGBT people who get trapped into viewing this thing.  I won't last much longer.

Left: Treat Williams' butt.

Christine passes out eviction notices.  She's going to tear down the whole town.  Good! 

 

More nude dudes after the break, if you dare to continue. Caution: Explicit.

Johnny Karn: Lost virginity, pretentious straightness, psycho-slashers, and the most incredible penis you've ever seen

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Big Boys: A gay university freshman tries to make friends, get laid, and find his tribe. With a lot of Dylan d*cks

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"Thundermans Undercover": Gay-vague superhero Jack Griffo flexes, tries to pick up men. With a lot of beefcake and Griffo junk

 

Nickelodeon's Thundermans (2013-18) featured a nuclear family with superpowers trying to live incognito in the normal-powered world. Teenage Phoebe has chosen superhero as her career goal, while her twin brother Max  (Jack Griffo) wants to become a supervillain.  He trains under Doctor Colossus, a supervillain transformed into a rabbit, and later the sensei of evil, Dark Mayhem.  Eventually Max decides that being a supervillain would be too destructive for his family, so he switches career paths and teams up with Phoebe.  They become the Thunder Twins.

Max was heavily gay-coded, with minimal interest in girls.  When he does ask a girl out, it is often because he wants to use her to acquire something of value, or to continue to hide his secret identity.  Or he'll date a girl once and find an excuse to drop her.  I did that quite often in high school, too.  Anything to get out of that darn good-night kiss.

The spin-off Thundemans Undercover (2025) has the grown-up and bulked-up Thunder Twins going undercoer in Secret Shores, Florida, to investigate a new supervillain threat.  Superheroes work pro bono, so to pay the rent, Phoebe gets a job as an art teacher at Secret Shores High School, and Max becomes the assistant principal.  Don't you need years of teaching experience to qualify to be principal? They are also living together and parenting their little sister Chloe, who happens to be a student. 

The familial relationship between Max and Phoebe, and the fact that the Chloe is the real focus character, eliminates the need for hetero-romance. Phoebe dates once in the first season, but Max continues to be gay-vague.  

I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "No Friend in Sight."

Scene 1: After a long day of school and superhero training, teenage Chloe is trying to have "Me-Time with No Max."  She settles down with a giant bowl of popcorn (essential for watching tv on tv, but never in real life) and turns on Glove Island.  Whoops, Max appears, and wants to hang out.  

Nope, Chloe zaps herself into the kitchen to watch alone.  Now Phoebe appears and wants to hang out!

She tries zapping into the superhero lair, but both Max and Chloe follow.

Frustrated, she announces "I'm going to Splats."  But they grab her hands as she zaps -- she's stuck with them. 

Scene 2: Splats, the standard teencom hangout.  Chloe criticized her guardians for wanting to spend every moment with her. They should make some friends of their own.  

It can't be hard to make friends, right?  Phoebe rushes up to a girl and exclaims "My future maid-of-honor!  We both wear pants!", scaring her away.

Scene 3: Apprised of how not to come on too strong, Max heads to the gym. Personal trainer Jim asks if he wants to sign up for a chance to win tickets to a party hosted by A-List Elixers, where they will introduce their $100 milkshake.  Max pushes: "My new best friend!"  Turned off, he walks away.

Jim is played by gay actor/model Austin Trapp, who you have seen in Yellowjackets, Tracker, and So Help Me Todd.

Max tries to attract the next guy by flexing. It's a gym, babe -- everybody is  muscular.  Try winning him over with your wit and charm...oh, right.  Better flex.

Buffed Dude agrees to spot him, but when Max requests "a lifetime of friendship," he gets spooked and rushes away.

More after the break.