"Oz, the Great and Powerful": A walking penis (not in a good way) finds true love, two wicked witches, and a flying monkey

  

Last night for movie night, we saw Oz the Great and Powerful (2013), a Disney retread of the Oz mythos, with reflections of both the original books by L. Frank Baum and the 1939 movie.  It had some visual appeal, but the heteronormativity was so intense and unyielding that it burned.

In black-and-white 1905 Kansas, Oz (James Franco) is a circus sideshow magician who seduces every woman in sight -- three in the first five minutes.

Easter Egg: The circus is run by Mr. Baum.

He has an assistant (Zach Braff), whom he treats horribly, and an ex-girlfriend (Michelle Williams), who is in love with him but plans to marry John Gale instead because he doesn't want a "normal" life, the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and kids.  Not because he is gay, because he is irresponsible.

Easter egg: It's not mentioned, but the ex-girlfriend is going to become Dorothy's mother, then die, so Dorothy can go live with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, and get zapped to Oz in seven years. 

Oz's act comes to a halt when he admits that he can't cure a disabled girl in the audience.  

Then he has to flee when the circus strongman and clown  (Tim Holmes, Brian Searle) get angry over the seduction of their wives. Oz jumps into his balloon, and is zapped through a tornado into Oz.

I figured a guy playing a strongman would have some beefcake photos,but Tim Holmes doesn't.  Instead, we have him saying that he's visiting his kids "to see his grandchildren"..with his hand on one of their bellies.  No baby in there, buddy; those are your twin sons. 

Left: Eugen Sandow, the original strongman.

Back to Oz.  The wilderness is brightly-colored, with singing foliage out of Fantasia, and things that keep zapping you in the face (the film was originally 3-D).

Oz meets the Good Witch Theodora, who happens to be traipsing around the wilderness with no supplies.  Discovering that he is coincidentally named after her country, she concludes that he is the Wizard prophesied to free the kingdom from the evil Wicked Witch, so of course he seduces her.  Is this supposed to be an endearing trait? 

Next they go to the Emerald City, picking up a flying monkey in a bellman's outfit (Zach Branff) along the way.  Evanora, the Witch in power, will be happy to hand over the throne, as long as he saves them by breaking the wand of the Wicked Witch, which will kill her.  

More Oz after the break

Matthew Jeffers: Elizabethan earl, comedic foil, gay dwarf who fights aliens. With bonus short guys.

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Zach Garcia: searching through tearjerkers, cowboys, podcasts, j/o, Alistair Patton, Tab Hunter, and a lot of dicks

 

I'm tired of finding photos of some guy I never heard of on one of the nude-celebrity websites, where one expects to find celebrities, and after two hours of research he turns out to be a musician who appeared "as himself" on one episode of a reality show, or a random hunk with a youtube channel.  Random hunks are off-topic.  I only  profile men who have performed in movies and tv shows. 

So when I found a j/o video of Zach Garcia, it wasn't enough to vaguely remember him from one of those high school soap operas like Riverdale.  I checked the IMDB for acting credits.  He has 11, so let's move forward.

In an interview in Voyager. Zach notes that he began modeling at age 12, but specified that he wouldn't model in his underwear.  No problem: soon he was appearing on billboards and in magazines.  Then his agent said that he should start acting, so he auditioned.  A lot of auditions, but only a few roles.

A 2015 episode of Grandfathered: "confirmed bachelor" John Stamos discovers that he has a son, Josh Peck, and Josh has a son, making him a grandfather.  Zach doesn't play the grandson.

"No One Knows I'm Gone," a 2015 short.  A bullied 12-year old runs away from home.  He doesn't play the bullied 12-year old.

On the day of Zach's auditon for Chicago PD, his aunt had just died of breast cancer, so he didn't want to go, but his mom talked him into it.  Guess what -- it's a tearjerker.  His character is supposed to be sad all the time.  He got the part.

Also, the spirit of his aunt was in the room, helping him out.

He stuck around for 7 episodes as the kidnapped and otherwise sad son of cop John Seda.  He returned for an episode of the spin-off Chicago Fire.

Typecast as an eternally sad figure, Zach found the roles easier to come by:

Poor Guy, 2016: Two misfit brothers and The Girl dream of California. Zach didn't play one of the brothers.

Chasing the Blues, 2017. Two rivals and the Girl try to acquire a famous jazz record. Zach didn't play one of the rivals.

Four episodes of Major Crimes, 2017, as Miguel Diaz, a undocumented juvenile accused of killing his father.

One episode of The Rookie, 2020, as Hector Duran, who went to juvie for theft and drug posession, and now is enrolled in a Scared Straight program along with his brother, Christian Ochoa.

One episode of Generation, 2022, about "high school students exploring modern sexuality."  It had some gay, bi, and trans characters, and some dicks floating around, but I don't know who Zach's character was, as it is currently unavailable for streaming.

Bloom, 2022, not to be confused with other 2022 Bloom, about girls in a flower shop falling in love.  This one, which is unavailable anywhere, tells us that: "After going his whole life drowning in many dark thoughts, a 20 year old young male, finally breaks through with the courage of his sexuality."  Ok, F for grammatical errors, the awkward "old young," and the nonsense "break through with the courage"  Zach doesn't play the 20 year old young male.

Since 2022, Zach has been working as gaffer and grip on projects such as Desire Within, Emory Woods, and When a Flame Dies Out, so that must be his new career.  

Zach's Instagram has a few provocative pictures, like this one of a boyfriend reaching into his pants.

And lounging naked.  I can't figure out where the boyfriend's body is.

On to the j/o 

Wait -- I didn't notice before, but the j.o. guy doesn't look like Zach at all!  

So who the heck does this dick belong to?

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Jesse Bradford: The gay and gay-subtext roles of yesteryear have vanished, but he still has a physique. And a cock.

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