Mario Lopez: The hottest celebrity, nicest celebrity, or both? With bonus bulge, butt, and possibly more

I first saw Mario Lopez on March 14, 1987, on an episode of The Golden Girls  He played one of Dorothy's students who is in danger of being deported to Mexico.  He was fourteen years old, but he already had the hair, the dimples, and the impish smile that made you want to smile back. It was impossible to be in a bad mood while looking at that smile.

The beefcake came later -- when Mario played A.C. Slater, the sullen working-class athlete who paired with smooth-talking operator Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell and Saved by the Bell: The College Years (1989-1993).  Why wasn't his character Hispanic? Because nearly the only Hispanic characters on tv had names like Drug Dealer #1.

Mario broke away from teen hunk-types with the homoerotic (but gay-free) horror movie The Journey: Absolution (1997).  His character was not Hispanic.

In 1997, he played gay athlete Greg Louganis in Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story.  Playing a gay character was quite brave in the 1990s; Hollywood insiders warned that it would end his career.

But he went on to play Dr. Mike Hamoui on Nip/Tuck (2008-2010), getting naked in the shower room and causing unexplainable longings in the ostensibly heterosexual plastic surgeons.

And lots more.  I could post a thousand beefcake photos of Mario Lopez, but really, there aren't many people in the world who aren't familiar with his physique.  It's the most photographed in Hollywood.  Maybe that's why he has been mostly playing himself lately.

But I'm still fixated on that smile.  Has anyone ever seen Mario not smiling, except when he's acting on screen?  He even smiles at the papparazzi who follow him on his morning jogs.

For that matter, has Mario ever said a bad word about anyone?  Has anyone ever said a bad word about him? (Ok, I criticized him for making a heterosexist statement on his website, but he has certainly made up for it by being a long-term gay ally.)

He's on lots of lists of "Hottest Celebrities," just below Adam Devine, but he probably should be on the list of "Nicest Celebrities," too.

Gemstone connection: Both Mario and Tony Cavalero have cooked with Corey B.

In case you haven't seen them for awhile, there are some Mario butts and bulges (and maybe one dick) after the break.

"Mosaic" Episode 1.3: Two gay guys, a murder, a dead alligator, and Pee Wee Herman. With some nude dudes.

In Mosaic (2017), con artist Eric (Frederick Weller) has been convicted of murdering his latest con victim, famous children's author Olivia Lake.  His sister Petra thinks he's innocent, and begins investigating the other men in Olivia's life: "she liked to surround herself with young guys." 

First up: Joel (Garrett Hedlund, here entertaining his boyfriend in On The Road), an aspiring artist who used to live on Olivia's property.  

He's not a suspect -- he was at a 10:00 pm showing of The Hobbit with male friend at the time of the murder.  Or was he?  Maybe the boyfriend lied to protect him.   Wait -- male friend?  Is this guy gay?

Cut to Joel living a "normal" life in backwoods Slidell, Louisiana, running a company called Big Bayou Gator Guides. He motors a man and his two kids (James, Kelton, and Sinclair Dumont) into the swamp to look at alligators.  Scratch that -- he helps Kelton shoot one!   

Violent rite of passage, I guess.  Then he helps them pack the meat into a chest marked "Not for Sale," and gives them the name of a taxidermist. 

Petra intrudes upon Joel's alligator-skull-filled shop with questions about her brother and the dead author: "Look, I hardly knew him!" he exclaims. I heard that before.  Were they dating?  Joel is living with a guy.  He is definitely gay.

Nope.  I shouldn't watch these episodes out of order.  In Episode 1, Olivia the famous author and her gay bestie JC (Paul Reubens) compete for the attention of handsome bartender Joel.  He chooses the old lady over the old dude.  Plus he hooked up with a girl on New Year's Eve.  So he's straight.

But there's more gay content: Petra and Joel investigate the "story walk" with pop-ups from Olivia's book, Whose Woods These Are.  When he lived on her property, Joel used to take walks there, and one night he stumbled upon two guys going at it.  One turns out to be Cameron, the chief suspect. 

Two gay guys, and one isn't even a suspect! I may have to watch the rest of this.  

In the meantime, here's Garrett Hedlund's butt.

And a frontal of James Ransome, who plays Olivia's uber-rich neighbor and best friend.

See also: James and Kelton Dumont Cute/Cuddly Photos, Part 1

Nude Photos of Kelton Dumont

Kelton Dumont in his birthday suits

Dad/son actors James and Kelton Dumont and their hunky costars and hung heartthrobs

Leonardo DiCaprio: Nude photos of Arthur Rimbaud, Howard Hughes, the Great Gatsby, and Elijah Wood's good buddy

 

I watch mostly comedy and science fiction, and Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't do much of either, so I've only seen a few of his movies: Romeo x Juliet, Inception, The Great Gatsby, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  But I've heard of many: they win Critic Association awards, get discussed on first dates, end up on top of people's "my favorite movie" lists

He is not a beefcake star, but a surprising number of his film appearances involve nudity.

In 1994, playing Arthur Rimbaud in Total Eclipse, Leo gave us full frontal and rear shots. (Don't worry, he's over 18 here).

Rimbaud was gay, lover of established poet Paul Verlaine, and author of one of  my favorite poems, "The Drunken Boat."  But I never saw the movie because both of the poets repent, turn straight, and get girlfriends.

Playing a troubled youth in The Basketball Diaries (1995).  Leo is on the far right.

More Leo after the break

Vice Principals, Episode 3.5: Gamby dates a high school boy, and gay rumors destroy your life

 I'm reviewing Vice Principals Episode 3.5 because a casual viewing revealed a strong, if rather discomforting, gay subtext and a lot of homophobia.

Scene 1: Lee (Walton Goggins), scheming principal of North Jackson High, and his wife Christine are having dinner in a restaurant. He is being dismissive and controlling.  Suddenly Kevin Yoon (Keong Sim, below) appears -- they haven't seen him since college!  He barely acknowledges Lee while gazing with absurdly overacted "girl of my dreams" longing at Christine.  He explains: "I had a bit of a rough time in college, with the rumors, but after counseling I got my life together.  I have a wife and kids."  What rumors destroy your life and require counseling? Sexual assault of a minor?

Christine promises to "friend" him on Facebook and keep in touch, which makes Lee roil with jealousy.

Scene 2: On the way home in the car, we learn that Christine was dating Kevin Yoon, so Lee told her that he was gay, and she dumped him. Why didn't she ask Kevin about it? Maybe Lee was lying, or maybe Kevin was bi and still interested in her.  

The rumor spread around and destroyed his life. Christine is upset because "wife and kids" -- he's straight! Or bi, girlfriend.   She could have married him and had a happy life, instead of being stuck with a man she hates. This is utterly ridiculous.  Did they go to college in 1958?  Was it Hate-Gays University?  How homophobic does McBride think that American society is?

Scene 3:  Vice Principal Gamby (Danny McBride) in the high school parking lot, trying to figure out who shot him in the Season 1 finale.  Jen (Edi Patterson), a teacher with an absurdly unstable crush on him, asks him to be her date at Lee's big birthday party.  He refuses. The lesbian security guard comments that she has a nice body: "I'd fuck her."

Scene 4: The guys on exercise bikes.  Lee suggests that Gamby bring "a hot-ass woman" to his big birthday party, to make his crush jealous and get her to fall in love with him. That strategy usually works in junior high.   But Gamby has another strategy: he's going to prove that he's "a charitable man."

Scene 5: Gamby marches into the restroom, where the delinquent Robin is smoking with his buds.  Earlier he was expelled for having drugs in his locker (which Gamby planted), but now he's back, and Gamby wants to redeem him (for his own selfish ends).  He orders Robin to come to the party as his date: "you're going to show everyone there that I made a positive impact on your life and made you a better human being." 

"But I don't want to go to your stupid pedo party!"  Well, technically it's ephebophile, adult erotic interest in adolescents.

Gamby calls him a "whore," and offers to pay him. Adolescent male prostitution.  This gets worse and worse. "You will be polite, you will be cordial, and you will wear this nice outfit I bought you."

Scene 6: Before the party, Lee is ordering around the caterers and being a jackass to Christine, while she forlornly scrolls through Kevin Yoon's social media, thinking of the life she could have had if only she hadn't dumped him the moment Lee said the g-word.  Imagine that conversation: "Your boyfriend is gay." "WHAT? I'm so disgusted, I never want to see him again! Are you free tomorrow night?"

Lee catches her scrolling and shoves a pill in her mouth without her consent.  

Scene 7: Gamby arrives at Robin's slovenly hovel to pick him up for their date.  His mother is nonchalant about it. Apparently adult men often drop by the house to take Robin out on dates.  Robin isn't wearing the outfit Gamby bought him.  He lays down the law:   "If you embarrass me tonight, I will snap your fucking neck.  Now let's go have fun at this party."  Aww, they're already acting like a couple.

Scene 8:  The party.  Extremely heteronormative: the lesbian security guard is dancing with a man, and the gay-vague drama teacher is dancing with a woman. No same-sex couples, except of course Gamby and Robin:  Arm-on-back affection and calling Robin "handsome" as Gamby introduces him around.  They're really making this look like a real date. 

Robin, who appears in seven episodes, is played by Alexandra McVicker.  She transitioned after Vice Principals, so some of her other work and the VP fan wiki still list her as "Conner."  A trans woman playing a possibly-gay high school boy?  Interesting dynamic. 

Scene 9:  Lee orders Christine around; she passively-aggressively ignores him and gets drunk  Wait -- he drugged you.  If it was an opiate, you could die.   He wants to know why she is acting so weird.  Then Kevin Yoon shows up.  Lee has a fit, but Christine invited him, so he's not leaving.  Lee asks the lesbian security guard to kick him out (sorry, her name is never given, and she is not listed on the wikipedia cast list).  

So she accosts him in the bathroom and threatens to rough him up unless he leaves.

Scene 10:  Looking for a secluded spot to smoke marijuana, Robin finds the master bedroom.  Christine is there, sitting on the floor, drunk and miserable because she's married to Lee instead of Kevin Yoon.  They share a joint.  Are they going to make out to demonstrate that Robin is actually straight?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.5: Baby Billy and Eli compete for Aimee-Leigh. Plus water sports and donkey dicks

Previous: Episode 1.4, Continued: Dot drives Kelvin crazy, Keefe refuses a bj, and Gideon and Scotty date.  With a Daedalus dick bonus

Title: "Interlude."  The interludes, set halfway through each season, are designed to clarify the conflicts and back stories, and to keep you in suspense after a major crisis. Here we flash back to 1989. when Eli and Aimee-Leigh were rich but not mega-rich, Baby Billy was hoping for a come-back after his child-star career, and young Jesse was jealous of his soon-to-be-born brother Kelvin. 

A Hot Piece of Tail:  This is the golden age of televangelism, with Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and Jerry Falwell eating up the airwaves -- and blaming homa-sekshuls for everything from teen pregnancy to hurricanes/  They were especially eager to proclaim that homa-sekshuls were trying to destroy society by infecting straight people with AIDS.  In 1989, the number of new cases peaked at 80,000. 

Before the broadcast,  Aimee-Leigh walks around, being friendly to the crew.  Very diverse crew: -- old and young, black and white, women in jobs traditionally held by men, probably gay people.  She compliments Eli as "a hot piece of tail," and he agrees: "I'm sizzling hot."This seems a little gender-transgressive.  Men aren't typically referred to in this way.  Just before the curtain rises, Aimee-Leigh tells Eli, "I'm pregnant."  How playful, and borderline mean!

Family Dinner:  Lots of gross closeups of 1980s food.  When Aimee-Leigh says that she has news to share, Jesse guesses that Judy has been put up for adoption, and she guesses that he has AIDS. In 1989 evangelicals -- and most of the general public -- thought that only gay men contracted AIDS, so she is "accusing" him of being gay. 

No, Aimee-Leigh says without disciplining them, she is actually having a baby. Jesse wishes that she has a miscarriage, again without discipline, then backtracks: : "I will never like them.  They will never be my friend."  This is a call-back to the Episode 1.1 scene where Jesse is upset with Kelvin because "we used to be friends."  

Judy hopes that it's a boy, so she can teach him how to pee standing up.  Is she accusing Jesse of being a woman?

The Misbehavin' Tour: At the office, Baby Billy tells the Gemstones about his idea for a Misbehavin' Comeback Tour this spring.  But she can't do it: she is pregnant, due in July (in Season 2, Kelvin says that his birthday is near Christmas, but never mind).

Baby Billy insists that they go on the tour anyway, but she insists that she can't.  How about waiting until after the birth?  Nope.

Billy blames Eli for ruining his come-back: "You're the one who splashed all that sperm all over her."  This is a very odd way of describing heterosexual intercourse, more accurate for guys beat ing off.  Billy seems very jealous; does he wish that Eli had splashed sperm all over him?

The screenshot shows Baby Billy in pain, behind window slats that look like bars. He is trapped, unable to move beyond his child-star days, blaming Eli for ruining his life. In Season 3, Eli's other brother-in-law will blame him too, with more violent results.  

The Birthday Party:  After scenes where Jesse is caught arranging little-kid fights and complains that his parents are never around, a we cut to Judy's birthday party.  Kids eating food in disgusting ways (a regular trope in this episode); riding a slip-and-slide; riding ponies.  

What Jesse is looking at after the break. Warning: Explicit.

The American Society of Magical Negroes: criticizing white entitlement, or erasing gay people from the world?

 

Members of marginalized groups -- racial minorities, religious minorities, women, and LGBT people -- are often stereotyped as mystical.  They may be presented as superstitious (the Italian "evil eye") or psychic (women's intuition), but sometimes they have fully-formed paranormal powers. like the "magical Negro" who zaps around time and space to help the white protagonist. There's a helpful Wikipedia page with dozens of recent examples: Bruce Almighty, Hitch, Sex and the City, The Dark Knight, The Matrix, The Martian, The Green Book, La La Land and Aladdin.   According to the conflict theory of criminology, the ruling class promotes these stereotypes deliberately, to justify the groups' lack of power and wealth -- they "can't function" in the hard, logical, materialistic world of goverment and business.

The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024) presents this stereotype as real. Aren (Justice Smith) is recruited into an Illuminati-like society of African-Americans with paranormal powers, which they use to control world events.  He is assisted by his white best friend (Drew Tarver).  Justice Smith is gay and Drew Tarver is bi, so this movie has to be LGBTQ-friendly.  

But, whenever possible, I watch trailers and read plot synopses before watching a movie, to check for nasty surprises like queerbaiting or deathbed scenes. 

Scene 1: Aren sees a lot of people standing in line outside a building, and is zapped into a magical space.  A woman says "I know you can feel their discomfort," as he sees a half-naked white girl looking at him.   He walks through a giant gallery space while white people stare at him.  The woman: "Watching you walk through a roomful of white people is the most painful thing I've ever seen."

Scene 2: David Alan Grier recruits him into the American Society of Magical Negroes.  We see a lot of classrooms where students are learning to use their powers, sort of like Hogwarts. Then Grier transports him to a streetcorner and asks "What's the most dangerous animal on the planet?"  The answer: "White people, when they feel uncomfortable."  Gemstone connection: Tim Baltz plays a white cop who feels uncomfortable upon encountering two black guys.

Grier continues: The job of the society is fight white discomfort, because the happier they are, the safer we are."  I thought they were like the Illuminati, controlling governments. 

I can see not wanting to get shot, but is it really the black person's responsibility to make white people feel comfortable?  If they feel uncomfortable, isn't it on them?  Maybe I'm being over-optimistic, but shouldn't the society be fighting the institutional racism that internalizes the stereotypes and results in perceiving the black person as a potential threat?

Scene 3: Aren becomes the coworker of his first client, Jason (Drew Tarver).  They bond over pingpong and video games.  He also meets his Love Interest. Unfortunately, Jason thinks that he is trying to set them up.  Drama! Hey, Drew Tarver is bi, and plays gay guys all the time.  Why is he straight here?  Boo!

The boss gets mad, too, because Aren won't be able to concentrate on making Jason comfortable with black people if he's busy courting Love Interest.  They're already best friends; he looks pretty comfortable.  

Scene 4: Well, Love Interest is white, so why take on her as a client instead  She seemed fine, too.  Aren goes all out on his courtship.  Scenes of the two falling in love, while the boss warns that he could have his memory erased for breaking society rules.  Meanwhile the motto of the movie splashes across the screen: "Some connections are stronger than magic." 

Will I Watch:  Heck no.  I'm interested in the political implications of "making white people comfortable" as a social movement agenda, but this movie is actually just a regular heterosexist heterosexual romance, with the magical stuff just added to create a "forbidden love" drama.   And it's heterosexuals all the way down, to make sure that straight viewers don't feel uncomfortable. How ironic is that?

Bonus dicks after the break

Gideon Memes: impressing a cute boy, the amazing technicolor dreamcoat, and his first fully clothed scene in five years

If your abs don't impress him, Faulkner won't

Teenage Gideon at the sleepover: This is fascinating.  Reminiscent of the early Faulkner, with the homoerotic subtexts that one often finds in Southern Gothic fiction.

The cute boy he's trying to impress: Dude, that's a blank scrapbook.

 Perform with your shirt off.  No one will notice.

.

Room for one more.

More Gideon after the break