"Splitting Adam": Tony Cavalero helps Jace Norman win the Girl of His Dreams. With the stars All Grown Up.

 

While looking through Tony Cavalero's work on the IMDB, I noticed that he had a major role in Nickelodeon's Splitting Adam (2015) -- which make sense, as he was a Nickelodeon staple, starring as the zany music teacher Dewey in School of Rock.  The reviews say that Splitting Adam is awful. and it's not on any of my streaming services, so I'll have to pay for it.  But first the trailer, to check for heterosexism and gay subtexts.

Scene 1: Jace Norman of Henry Danger dances with a girl, wakes up, delivers newspapers,  gets yelled at by a gay-stereotype poof and his pocket dog, gets cheered on by a girl, and gets hit with a golf ball. The Narrator complains that he doesn't have enough time to do everything he needs to do. 

Scene 2: Crash and Splash Amusement Park.  A swimming pool Tootsie Roll, Jace getting yelled at by Jack Griffo and his girlfriend, Jace and his buddy Amar M. Wooten in a dunking booth.  We see that hoary old cliche of the Girl of His Dreams walking in slow motion, waving her hair. 

Top photo: the grown up Jack Griffo.

Scene 3: Amar advises Jace that he doesn't have enough prestige to impress The Girl.  Shot of him holding a yellow barrel over his crotch in the swimming pool. Griffo agrees: "You can barely keep your shorts on."  Is that a sexual double entendre?

Left: recent photo of the grown-up Amar.

Scene 4: Uncle Magic Mitch, a professional stage musician played by Tony Cavalero, arrives in his purple van and shows the guys his new -- tanning bed?  That night Jace sees it glowing, investigates, and accidentally falls in.  Zap! 

In the morning, there's a clone in the house, fully self-aware: "I'm here to help you."  He cooks breakfast. 

Scene 5: Magic Mitch, not to be confused with Magic Mike, is happy with the clone because he made chocolate chip pancakes.   Jace's two friends, Amar and Seth Isaac Johnson, hug each other in terror.  

Scene 6: In the tree house, Jace's friends, whose sole reason for existing is to facilitate getting him laid, devise a plot to use the clones.  They each have different personalities; the Girl is bound to like one of them. Zap! Zap!   

Scene 7: Shot of Jace and two clones, in disguise, entering the amusement park.  Magic Mitch performs. Jack Griffo snarls: "To get to her, you have to go through me!"  

Scene 8: Jace's clones are: the Sensitive One; The Party Boy; Mr. Responsible; Mr. Perfect; and goofball Winston.  Montage of several meeting or hanging out with The Girl,  She complains: "Every time I see you, you seem like a different person."

Scene 9: Of course she prefers the original.  Boy-girl hug. Uncle Magic Mitch tells him: "That's where the magic happens."

Moral: Be yourself.

Beefcake: These are all little kids, but there may be some hunkoids in the swimming pool scene. 

Heterosexism: Of course. The whole plot arc is about winning the Girl of Your Dreams.  We even get tips on how to do it.

Gay Stereotypes: The guy with the pocket dog. Sensitive Jace, although he's obviously heterosexual.

Magic Mitch Questions: Does he know that the tanning bed is a clone machine?  Why is he the sort-of responsible adult -- where are Jace's parents?  Does he get a girlfriend?  The movie probably clarifies things.

Will I Watch: Heck, no.

Grown-up Jace after the break

"It Ends with Us": Not a post-Apocalyptic thriller, a drama about a lady with clunky rings and a hunk named Atlas

  

It Ends With Us showed up in my Netflix recommendations.  Obviously a post-Apocalyptic movie about the last generation of humanity struggling for survival. The icon shows an elegantly dressed woman talking through her fingers at an elegantly-dressed man, but that must be before society falls apart.

Scene 1: The woman who talks through her fingers in the icon is driving through an autumnal road to a quaint New England town with a sign saying Plethora, Maine.  Maybe the  human race goes extinct due to a vampire outbreak. 

 She stops in front of one of those gigantic "middle class" homes, and hugs and cries with the woman inside.  Geez, she's wearing like a gold ring the size of a baseball on each finger. How will she stake vampires that way?

Wait -- according to IMDB, this isn't about vampires.  It's a drama about domestic abuse!  Why such a misleading title, almost identical to The Last of Us, about survivors of a zombie Apocalypse?

I'm still watching.  I never see dramas, so this will be an adventure in snarky comments. And it will be fun to watch a movie produced by, for, and about straight people, like going undercover in a foreign country.

The lady in the house tells the Finger-Talking Woman -- who has the ridiculous name Lily Bloom  -- that this is her father's funeral (thanks for letting her know!), then criticizes her for taking a job out of town, so she couldn't be by his side every second.  Oh, and she informs Lily that she is her mother. She acts so oddly that I thought she was the housekeeper.  Why would the wife of the dead guy say "your father's funeral" instead of using his name?  

Scene 2: Lily Bloom goes up to her room -- huge, cluttered with girly stuff like pictures of fairies and a ballerina music box.  She brought nothing with her when she moved out?

Mom follows her upstairs to say "He really loved you." Yeah, that's what all abusers say.  "At the funeral, you're going to have to say five things that you loved about him."  Um...er...he was...um...

Left: Dad Kevin McKidd, in 1996. 

Time for the funeral, at city hall, super-crowded -- Dad was the mayor, also a husband and a father.  Give him a medal!  Time for Lily's eulogy, but she can't think of anything, so she steps down from the podium.  Murmur, murmur.  

Scene 3: Back in Boston, Lily sits on the roof of a high-rise apartment building, no doubt planning to jump, but The Man of Her Dreams, Ryle (Justin Baldoni, top photo) bursts in, angry, kicking over chairs.  He joins her on the ledge to discuss how much he hates maraschino cherries.  She wants to know if he is upset over "a woman...or a man."  Acknowledging that gay people exist!  But I'll bet that's all the representation we'll see.  

They exchange job information, which I understand is common for straight people in their first meeting:  Florist, neurosurgeon.  Guess which Lily is. 

Their falling-in-love conversation takes up the next seven minutes of screen time, but they don't make a date for later. Are you sure there won't be any vampires?

Scene 4: Adolescent Lily in her bed,putting flowers into a scrap book. Gratuitous leg shot as she gets up, brushes her teeth, writes in her diary, and puts on her starter set of huge, clunky rings -- well, she couldn't write in her diary with them on, could she?  

Looking out the window, she sees a young man sneaking out of the abandoned house next door and sorting through the garbage for food.  

He gets on her bus!  She gazes in Boy-of-Her-Dreams longing.  Lily's going to have two abusive boyfriends? 

It takes about five minutes of screen time for her to arrange a meeting and get his story: "My Mom kicked me out...because..."  You're gay?  Nope: because she doesn't like him interfering with her boyfriends "beating the shit out of her."  They beat him up, too, but he can't mention it because he's macho.

Lily invites him home to shower and change clothes, and watch Ellen., with a gigantic bowl of popcorn between them.  A lesbian exists in their world.  He stares at her clunker rings; she criticizes the outfit that she gave him.  So, for straight people, is criticism like flirting?

Scene 5: The adult Lily heads toward the store she's leasing for her new flower shop, while Mom tries to discourage her on the phone: she saw on the internet that "45% of all flowers die."  Just 45% ?

As Lily is cleaning out the old stuff, a woman named Alyssa comes in to ask about the "help wanted" sign.  It's leftover from the previous owner, but Lily might need some help soon: "I'm opening a flower shop." 

"Ugh!  Never mind, I hate flower shops.  They're depressing, full of dying things." 

"You're hired!"  So you get a job by criticizing the job.

Montage of the two bonding over cleaning out stuff, painting, and so on.  

Alyssa's husband Marshall (Hasan Minaj) calls  -- darn, I thought she was a lesbian.  He's across the street with her brother, watching the Big Game, but she drafts him into helping out. 

Ulp: Alyssa's brother is -- Ryle the neurosurgeon!  

They gaze at each other for about three minutes of screen time.  Don't straight people, like, talk?  Finally Alyssa and Marshall get tired of it and suggest a double date.  

Cut to a karaoke bar, with Ryle and Lily trying to ignore their mutual attraction -- they're single adults, what's the problem? --  and Alyssa and Marshall aggressively pushing them together -- they've known Lily for like three hours, why do they care?  After about ten minute of screen time, they kiss.

Scene 6: Adolescent Lily on a picnic with the Abused Guy, whose name is Atlas (Alex Neustaedter).  The Greek god who is holding up the world, not the book of maps. 

Left: Atlas's dick

They discuss Lily's Dad beating up her mom.  In other news: Atlas will be joining the Marines, so they can't continue their relationship.

Scene 7: BFF Alyssa's birthday party, at her gigantic palace, with a living room bigger than a hotel atrium.  Around a thousand people there, all heterosexual couples.  Why does she want to work in a flower shop, again?

Lily runs into Ryle the Neurosurgeon again, and tells him, "Stop flirting with me."  Then they go up to his room and have sex. Mixed signals, lady.

Scene 8: In the morning, Lily walks the six miles down to a kitchen big enough to prepare meals for the population of a medium-sized city.  Apprised that she has spent the night, Alyssa cautions that Ryle the Neurosurgeon goes through women like candy mints.  He's ok for a hookup, but if you're looking for a serious relationship, forget it.  Then why were you so aggressively pushing them together?

More after the break

"The Third Day": Jude Law in "The Wicker Man," with scissor goblins, a dead son, Will Rogers, and Dagliesh dick

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"Welcome to Plathville": Beefcake and bulges of a hard-core fundamentalist family, including the Boylicious model

 

Welcome to Plathville, originally on TLC but recently streamed to Hulu, is a six-season long reality series about the Plaths: "A strikingly blonde, blue-eyed Quiverfull family with 9 children in Southeastern Georgia, who are very passionate about traditional roles, their courtship rituals, music, God, and domestic life."

Brr.  Sounds too scary.  They must be wildly homophobic, but I imagine that they agreed to appear only if there were no "homosexuals" in the crew, so maybe they won't mention them at all.  Episodes appear to be soap-opera like, with marital problems, career troubles, treks into secular civilization, and lots of clickbait "dark secrets" and "startling revelations."

The elder Plaths belong to the No Greater Joy Ministries, an out-of-the-box fundamentalist cult that, other than hating homos, teaches that women must always be subservient to men -- working outside the home is a major sin, and will turn her into an evil lesbian.  Plus you must beat your children to ensure their subservience -- if you don't, they'll start to talk back and turn gay.

I'm definitely too squeamish to watch, but I'll check the Plaths for fundamentalist beefcake.

The parents, Barry and Kim, have broken up and gotten a divorce.  In my childhood church, that would have gotten them kicked out.

Their oldest child, Ethan,left,  married the outsider Olivia, who works as a photographer.  A woman working outside the home!  Shocking!

They got divorced, also.

Ethan and a buddy at the gym.

Daughter Hosanna refused to appear on the show.  She has left the family, moved to Ohio, and married an outsider.  Shocking revelation!

Daughter Moriah visited San Francisco and had sex with her boyfriend Max Kallschmidt. A dark secret revealed!

 The younger children are Lydia, Isaac, Amber, Cassidy, and Mercy.  

Micah works as a model, which means he has to work with gay people.  Uh-oh, he's doomed. 

Wait -- a model?  He must have some n*de photos out there somewhere.

More after the break.

"Christmas on Repeat": A "Groundhog Day" romcom with Matthew Lawrence, Peter Pan, a bodybuilder, and some cocks

 

After successfully finding a gay romance tucked into the final scene of Falling for Christmas, I decided to check out some other recent Christmas movies to see if a gay character snuck in under the noses of the homophobes.  First up,  Christmas on Repeat, because it features one of those day-keeps-repeating plotlines, and Matthew Lawrence (sigh), one of the trio of muscle-hunk brothers who brightened the 2000s.  

Scene 1: The day before Christmas. Andrea spent the night in her office, because she's a workaholic, but not to worry, her assistant got presents for her husband and kids, and arranged for bonuses for the office staff.  On her way out, her boss, Nick (Matthew Lawrence, sigh) stops her: they have to shoot a commercial tomorrow -- on Christmas Day -- and the guy in charge of the account is taking Christmas off, so... No fair!  Why don't you do it?

She calls her husband, John (Gary Poux), to say she's on the way home.  He is upset, because that means she will want to cook breakfast  and she's an awful cook.  Wait, how is she going to fall in love with the Boss?  Maybe she's just the conduit, and the Boss will fall in love with someone else.

She mentions that she has to work tomororw, but he's not upset: she "has to work" every Christmas. 

Scene 2: She stops to buy some groceries -- the supermarket parking lot is empty on Christmas Eve?  And the donation-collecting Santa Claus knows her name.  Creepy.  He points out that there will be a shooting star tomorrow night with "off the charts" magic.

Scene 3: At home, she greets her teenage children. Lexi, who looks like a 30-year old supermodel, has a new dance routine -- this is depressing, as Andrea and her husband used to dance, before she got too busy. 

And Matt (JJ Whyte) is there; he was going to stay overnight with his friend Ryder, but changed his mind.  Tell me more about your "friend," dude.

Back story: Daughter from Andrea's first marriage, Son from this one.  I guess they want to explain why Lexi is so melanin-deprived.  Or they could have found a 30-year old African-American supermodel.

Scene 4: Andrea works on her laptop until late, and goes to bed after Hubbie is already asleep.  Don't worry, I won't say anything about the cock she's missing out on.

Scene 5: Christmas day.  She commits the following crimes:

1. She doesn't know her son Matt's friends

2. She is unaware that he has stopped being interested in basketball

3. She tries to make pancakes, but sets the kitchen on fire.  Not being able to cook is apparently a major sin in this world.  Maybe this movie is pushing the nuclear family myth, where Dad works and Mom stays home to cook. 

4. At the comemrcial shoot, she doesn't prevent the  "Clean, Green, and Prestine (sic)" actress from sninping at director Paul (Terry Woodberry).  

Director Paul yells at the actress, she quits, and then he quits.  And gets heterosexualized by mentioning his wife.  Darn.  

But at least we have another cock, after the break

Matthew G. Taylor: Chongo, Nemesis, a god's guard, a lot of fan conventions, and some dicks

 

On a 2001 episode of Queer as Folk , Emmett (Peter Paige) decides that he wants to become "ex-gay."  To dissuade him from this crazy idea, his friends arrange for him to be visited by adult video performer Zack O'Tool, played by the super-sized-in-every-way Matthew G. Taylor (left).

Although this is definitely a prosthetic.

Born in Burlington, Ontario, in 1973, Matt worked as a police officedr and martial artist before the acting bug hit.

Among his other early roles:

Legendary strongman Eugene Sandow in a 1998 biopic of Thomas Edison,

 A bushy-haired thug in Detroit Rock City (1999)

Medoc in The Skulls (2001), about an Ivy League secret society.

Matt's most famous role is probably Nemesis, a "huge, overpowering monster" in Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004).  His instagram is full of selfies that fans wanted to take with him at horror conventions. 

He went on to play more man-mountain characters:

Boxer Primo Carnera in Cinderella Man (2005).

A Giant in Boondock Saints II (2009)

Shackles, an "uncontrollable monster with freakish strength" on the teen adventure series Aaron Stone (2010).

A character called "Man Mountain Guard" on Lost Girl (2011).

More man mountains after the break

Gavin's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 4: A boy and his bully, a boy and his stuntman, Kelton Dumont, Santa Claus, and some n*de dudes

 

Previous: Gavin's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 3: A boy and his monkey, a boy and his fish, bikers, surfing, and bodybuilder buds

This is a collection of cute/cool photos of Gavin Munn, who plays Jonathan on Raising Dion and Abraham on The Righteous Gemstones.  He was under 18 at the original post, so no n*de photos, but I included some of his costars and friends.

1. Such as Jesse La Flair, parkour athlete, who will be the stunt double of Kimball Farley in Righteous Gemstones Season 4.

2. In Dear Santa (2024), a dyslexic boy writes a letter to Santa Claus, but it accidentally goes to Satan (Jack Black), who appears to help him gain self-confidence, best a bully, and win the Girl.  Gavin plays the bully.  

I don't know why he needs a mannequin.  Does Satan, like, shoot him out of a cannon?

3. Bullies wear colorful outfits

4. In case you want to see Satan and Santa Claus riffing.  That's actually Kyle Gass, who plays a science teacher.

5. A boy and his fish.

6. A boy and his boat

More Gavin and buds after the break