Ewan McGregor: Are there penises in all of his movies, or in just most of them?

 

There are lots of famous penises among Hollywood stars.  Among the old guard, Milton Berle's comes to mind, although there aren't any actual photos of it.  Rob Lowe accidentally gave us a glimpse of his, fully aroused.  Christopher Atkins displayed his several times, on screen and off.  But Ewan McGregor wins the prize for displaying his on screen all the time.

I've seen a lot of his movies.  Some I liked, some I hated: 1. Trainspotting (1996)

2. The Pillow Book (1997)
3. Velvet Goldmine (1998) was good.
4. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999) and its sequels, where he plays a young, gay Obi-Wan Kenobi.
5. I walked out of Moulin Rouge (2000) when they started singing 20th century songs in 19th century Paris.

6. Scenes of a Sexual Nature (2003): He appears for five seconds.

7. Doctor Sleep

8. Halston (2021)

But one thing you can always count on.  There will be a penis. 

Usually his.

More dicks after the break

The Preacher Pops a Boner

 

Kankakee, Illinois

When I was growing up in the Nazarene Church, we spent a lot of time at Olivet, our college on the prairie of eastern Illinois.  The church wanted to make sure that we went there after high school instead of some secular university where we would be taught liberalism, atheism, and evil-lution.

So there were ball games and special concerts  for high school students, plus an annual Olivet Weekend, with a party, a nature hike, a church service, classroom visits, a lot of "come to Olivet" sales pitches, and a night in a college dorm.

It was actually sleeping bags on the floor of the lounge in the freshman men's dorm, but still, I was surrounded by cute college men!

When I was in ninth grade, our host was David, a senior religion major (and baseball player) who told us how he was hoping to be called to a church near his home town, and his girlfriend Ruth, who mostly bragged about how she had scored the "handsomest guy on campus."

Only about half of the boys on campus wanted to become preachers, but almost all of the girls wanted to become preacher's wives, leading to some hefty competition.

On the Saturday night of our visit, David took us to a basketball game, and then to the Student Union for hamburgers.

The Red Room, Olivet's student restaurant, was packed with other kids and their escorts, so he took us to a nearby lounge: six couches and about a dozen chairs, most full, but one empty right next to the monitor's desk.  It looked into a little alcove with a yellow couch, where two college couples were kissing.

"Hey, what's that -- a kissing booth?" I asked.

"Kissing corner!"  David said with a grin.  "The only couch the monitor can't see.  Boy, I've had some good times there!"

He told us that at Olivet, boy-girl relations were strictly regulated.  You couldn't set foot in each other's dorm rooms, and in common areas, kissing was  forbidden.  They had monitors watching all the lounges, but that couch was hidden from the monitor's view, and so very popular.

"You have to take a number to get it," David said.  "But once you're there, you can do what you want.  Anyway, I'm going to park you guys here, so we don't lose our place.  Back in a while with our burgers.

We sat down facing the kissing couples.  Kissing girls -- gross!  But I was interested in one of the guys -- cute, dark haired, broad shoulders, handsome preacher's face.  He leaned toward his girlfriend, put his arm around her, and they started kissing.

He had a sizeable bulge in his pants.

And he began to rise.

And rise.

And rise.

More rising after the break

Brad Pitt: Nice abs, but Adam Devine has a bigger dick

 

Brad Pitt has been part of our lives since his cowboy hitchhiker took off his shirt in Thelma and Louise (1991). A short list of his most beloved movies has to include Interview with the Vampire, Legends of the Fall, Fight Club, Ocean's Eleven, World War Z, and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Only one gay role -- The Normal Heart (2014) -- but lots of gay subtexts, from vampires to con artists to imagniary friends.

Brad is regularly listed as the hottest man alive or the sexist man alive, and he doesn't appear to age -- in 2023 he's still as buffed as he was is 1993.  And, fortunately for us, he's not shy about showing off his physique on camera.

The only nudity we've seen is his butt, while sexing a lady to detract from the hotness.

Cocks after the break

"You're the Worst" Episode 3.1: A homophobic rapper hooks up with a gay stereotype, plus Stephen Schneider and some butts

 

To see if Stephen Schneider (Stephen Downes of Season 3) has played any gay characters, I googled his name and "gay," and this clip came up on youtube.  He's not in it.

A blond guy and a woman are standing at an apartment door . He asks "He never gave you the key?"  She says no, so he bangs.  

A very muscular black guy in his underwear answers. Shocked, he says "Oh...shit.  Hey guys."

Blondie: "What the hell are you doing?"   

Muscle Guy: "Sorry.  We needed a place."

Woman: "For what?"

A swishy guy appears with a flourish, also in his underwear.  They stare in shock.  

Woman (Disgusted): "You're GAY????"

Muscle Guy (Upset): "No!!!!!  But this n-word's son sucks really good dick."  So the gay guy has a black parent?

The whole exchange -- the looks of shock and disgust, the need to defend yourself against the horrifying accusation, the gay guy's pronounced swishiness --- displays just the sort of jaw-dropping homophobia that I hate running into at 4:00 am.

The caption reads: You're the Worst - Brandon Mychal Smith.  So let's look it up. 

You're the Worst is a tv series that lasted for five years on FX (2014-2019), but was so under-exposed that I don't recall seeing a single commercial.  Most episodes drew between .2 and .5 million viewers.  It featured a romance between two horrible people, writer Jimmy (Chris Geere, the Blond Guy in the clip) and public relations person Gretchen.  

The homophobic scene is from Episode 1.3, "Keys Open Doors."  TO put it in context, I watched the whole episode. 

Scene 1: Morning.  After a night of carousing, Jimmy and Gretchen are lying naked, asleep, on the ground outside his house.

Cut to Jimmy pooping (butt shot) while Gretchen uses the hand nozzle of the shower to masturbate.  Jimmy notes that he uses it too, in his butt.

They've spent six or seven nights together, so Gretchen wants a key to his apartment.  He refuses, so she rushes out in passive-aggressive rage. 

Scene 2: Edgar (Desmin Borges, left and below), Jimmy's horrible roommate, cooks breakfast.  They discuss the key request as a symbol of banality and predictability, leading to "shopping for sconces at Williams-Sonoma."

Scene 3: At the coffee shop, Gretchen and her friend Lindsay discuss the key request,  Lindsay's husband cheating, and "snorting in her vag."  So she's bisexual?  

Her assistant rushes in with a crisis: Sam the Rapper gave an interview to a college newspaper, and used "gay" and "faggot" 37 times!   And the interviewer was the president of the gay student association!  So, if he said all that to a straight person, it would be fine?

More after the break

"The Package": A movie about a penis, with bonus penis pics. What could go wrong?

You recall that Adam Devine rarely goes more than a sentence or two without mentioning his penis?  In 2018, he and the guys produced The Package, a movie about, well, a penis. He didn't write or direct, but still, it's about a penis.  I can't wait. 

Scene 1: Sean (Daniel Doheny) is carefully putting on his pants while in the kitchen, Mom slices up an eggplant (foreshadowing, anyone?).  His bud Donnie (Luke Spencer Roberts, ginger) picks him up for a camping trip.  Uh-oh, he's hacked into the family's tv to show them fat lady porn.  Gross!  He then criticizes Sean's shorts, which cover "your belly button but not your balls."  Sean criticizes his moustache, but Donnie counters that with the 1980s nostalgia craze, he'll be "swimming in puss."  Ok, these guys are hetero, but...a penis!

Left and below: Google says that this is Luke Spencer Roberts.  I think it's really someone else named Luke Roberts.  But I've never heard of either of them before, so what's the difference?   

Scene 2: Next they pick up Jeremy (Eduardo Franco, who you may know from The Binge).  They criticize him for being a virgin, and he counters by pretending to jerk off with a walking stick.  

They are outraged because he invited some girls!  Donnie wanted it to be guys only.  I hear that.  The girls happen to be Donnie's ex and Jeremy's twin sister/

By the way, Jeremy has a girlfriend, too, but only online.  The guys think he's being catfished by a guy.  Ten to one he'll come out as gay.

Top photo: When you google "Eduardo Franco" and "nude," you get Nino Ceperkovic.  I don't understand why.

Jeremy insists that Sean have sex with his sister, because as twins they share a psychic bond, and he'll feel it too.  Sean finds this disgusting, but only because it would be psychic-incestuous, not because it would be homoerotic.  Now I know that Jeremy is gay!

Scene 3: On the way to the campsite, they make fun of Donnie for sharting during blow jobs.  Donnie counters by sending Sean a photo that makes it look like he is giving a blow job to his crush's ex boyfriend.  Thankfully, Sean is not offended; he laughs. 

Jeremy leads them "deep up Mother Nature's puss."  I don't care for the vagina references.  Let's hear more about cocks!

Left: Daniel Doheny, who apparently played a gay character in something called Alex Strangelove.  I haven't seen it.  Who wants to be told that gay love is weird, bizarre, abnormal, strange?

They set up camp and divide into boy and girl groups.  Everyone is obsessed over getting Sean to screw his crush.  He had a chance with her at the Rent cast party: she touched his thigh and invited him onto the roof for sex, but he couldn't stand up because he had a boner: "You were cock blocked by your own cock!"  Rent has gay characters.  These guys know that LGBT people exist. 

The pressure for Sean and his crush to screw continues into the night.  Finally they are eating s'mores around the campfire.  Jeremy goes off to piss; the guys follow to mess with him.  For some reason, he is slicing through his stream with the knife he showed them earlier...and when the guys distract him, he accidentally slices his dick off!  It flies off against the full moon.  

Sean climbs to a cliff, calls 911, and orders a medevac.  Now they just have to keep Jeremy from bleeding out, and find the penis!

Complications:  They find it, but it suffers a lot of damage before the medevac comes.  One of the girls throws up on it.  Another tries to roast it over the campfire (idiot!).  Finally they put it on ice. 

Then the medevac leaves, but they send it off with the wrong ice chest!  They still have the penis!  They have to get it to the hospital within the 12 hour time frame.

Mishap after mishap.  Their cellphones are destroyed.  They get lost hiking down the mountain. They fall into a river.  They run afoul of a hetero-sleazy little boy (Chance Hurstfield, who has grown up a bit).  His Dad attacks, thinking that they molested him.  The penis is bitten by a snake, so Sean has to suck the venom out (fortunately, there are no homophobic "giving a blow job" references).  

A convenience store clerk helps them clean the dick, thinking that Jeremy is a soldier injured in the line of duty.  When he discovers that they are high school students, he goes ballistic and shoots arrows at them. "The only dicks I touch are mine and my husband's."  This is apparently a "Gay people exist!  Hilarious!" joke.

Then the penis is attached to a redneck (Blake Anderson): his own was cut off by his girlfriend!  I don't think that's possible. Fortunately, she comes in and cuts it off again, so they can give it to Jeremy.

Conclusion: The two couples reunite.  Jeremy's on-line girlfriend is real after all.  Darn, I thought he was going to come out as gay.  The end.

My Grade: This movie is not about penises, it's about three heterosexual couples falling in love.  Watching disgusting things happen to a 3-inch cylinder is not as homoerotic as I thought.  Not at all funny.  No gay characters or subtexts -- well, except for the convenience store guy, and he was only gay as the punchline of a joke.  A big, big disappointment.D

Bonus penises after the break

Game Over, Man: Five minutes of Adam's dick. What's not to like?

Shortly after the end of Workaholics, the guys (Adam Devine, Anders Holm, Blake Anderson) played about the same characters in Game Over, Man (2018), moving their shenanigans into a hostage crisis in a high-rise hotel.  The reviews were unfailingly horrible, 18% on Rotten Tomatoes. Their goofiness conflicts with a jarringly grim, violent plotline, there's way too much vulgarity, disgustingly graphic deaths, a severed penis used as a prop, torture by rimming (wait -- is that torture or a pleasant Saturday night?), plus horrifying homophobia.  I'm afraid to watch the whole movie, but I'll review a scene that the Roger Ebert.com reviewer criticizes as featuring "some pretty extreme homophobia."  

Remember, I walked out of Spider-Man (2002) when Tobey Maguire said "Like all stories, this story is about a boy and a girl."  Claiming that gay men and lesbians don't exist, homophobic jerk!  So this will certainly raise my hackles.

The set-up: The terrorist's henchmen, Steve Howey and Mac Brandt, are trying to kill the guys.  For some reason Adam decides to pretend that he has died of autoerotic asphyxiation, hanging in the closet with his dick in his hand. Blake and Anders hide under the bed (it would be too confusing to use character names).

 Finding the "Corpse"

The henchmen burst into the hotel room, examine Adam''s "corpse" (we get a closeup of Adam's hand on his dick).  Steve comments: "Look at this freaky fuck."

Mac: "Rest in peace, you horny bastard."

Steve worries that the job is going badly, but Mac reassures him: "By this time tomorrow, we'll be sipping Coronas in Cabo."  

Steve: "I don't want to see you getting hurt."

Mac: "You're sweet."

Steve: " I love you."

They kiss -- a little peck, then a big smooching thing. Adam, watching, is shocked.  Not homophobic, maybe a little heteronormative: "Wait -- gay henchmen exist?"

The Attack

The henchmen decide to do it "real quick," take off their shirts, and jump on the bed. We don't see any more of their kissing.  Guys, your pants aren't off.  Not going to have a lot of sex that way.

Blake sneaks a peek, then turns to Anders and says "Eww, right?"  Not homophobic.  Blake's character is actually gay and closeted (at this point), so he's trying to determine how a straight guy should react.

To defend themselves, the guys  throw the blanket over the couple and punch and kick them.  Anders grabs a lamp and beats Steve's head.  Blood alert. . Adam, shocked, says "I am so sorry." But you didn't do it.

Mac throws him across the room (cock shot). 

We Killed the Bad Guys

Mac punches Blake and advances on Anders: "You just killed the man of my dreams. Now you're gonna die."  Anders claims that Steve is just knocked out, but Mac throws him across the room and starts to strangle him.

Anders: "I'm sorry I killed him.  I'll be your boyfriend."

Blake throws a lamp.  Mac turns and advances on him. He ducks, and Mac flies into a dresser and is knocked unconscious.  Anders: "I think you killed him!"

Adam: "Sorry I didn't help, but we killed the bad guys!  My plan worked!" He spins his cock around in celebration. Um...so, can I get this on BluRay?

Anders: "Stop it!  Your plan didn't work!  You got them horny, and got me kicked in the chest."  Blake asks if he's all right.  Aww, fraternal love...

More after the break.

Keefe's Capacious Cock, Part 2: The Mushroom Head

 

Tony Cavalero asks: "Will you be wearing pants after dinner?"  Gee, Tony, why don't we wait, and see how the evening goes?

Ok, he's really referring to the belt-tightening of Thanksgiving Dinner.  

Maybe.

He got the photo from The Righteous Gemstones Season 1, when Keefe comes out of the house without pants, accidentally showing the siblings his junk. Apparently he forgot to put his pants back on after serving Kelvin "dessert."

In case you haven't seen a close-up before.  It's not really a mushroom head, just obscured at the base.  I can't tell if it's a prosthetic or not.

And his butt

See also: Keefe's Capacious Cock

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jockstrap, an isolation tank, a sausage god, and honeymoon with the hubbie

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 3: a rooster, a rodent, neopagan penises, Adam Devine, and Corey B's frontside