The Nazarene Teen Idol

When I was growing up in the Nazarene Church, twice a year, in the fall and the spring, we had a "revival": a full week of screeching, foot-stomping, Bible-thumping sermons by an evangelist who made his living going from revival to revival, getting people saved and sanctified.

You were encouraged to bring your friends who went to other churches, and thus might not be amenable to visiting on a Sunday morning.  But on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night, they were free, right?

We did get a few converts during every revival, but not nearly enough for the evangelist, who stomped and shouted with more and more urgency as the week wore on and nearly everyone who needed to get saved was already saved and only a few people went down. Or no one.

The only bright spot of the whole ordeal was the gospel group that accompanied the evangelist. During the fall revival in my junior year in high school, the evangelist was the young, muscular but bellowing Brother Jonathan, and the musical group was the Smith Family (not to be confused with the punk rock group the Smiths, which I have several times).

They sang fast, upbeat songs which I assumed they wrote -- there were records for sale in the lobby.  Church oldsters used to old Salvation Army-style ballads like "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" were scandalized by their country-inflected lyrics, not to mention their guitars, drums, and tambourines.  One of their songs goes through my head intermittently to this day:

I've got confidence, God is going to see me through
Whatever the case may be, I know He's gonna fix it for me.

(I just discovered that "I've Got Confidence" was not a Smith Family original: it was composed by Andre Crouch and popularized by Elvis Presley.)

I haven't been able to find any photos -- too much interference from other Smiths on the internet -- but they looked something like this: middle-aged husband and young-adult daughter as the lead singers (baritone and soprano), teenage son on the guitar, preteen son on the drums, and wife on the tambourine, piano, or organ.

 Scott, the teenage son, was a year younger than me, tall and buffed with big hands, a round face, short blond hair, and dreamy blue eyes.  The Nazarene equivalent of a teen idol, our own Shaun Cassidy!  I was desperate to become his friend, or at least feel a warm strong handshake, but I didn't have a chance.  He was mobbed.

Girls were swooning, batting their eyes at him, writing him love notes under the guise of prayer requests.  Old people (anyone over 30) were pushing to tell him what a "fine Christian boy" he was and getting him to autograph any piece of paper they could find, even the "notes" page of their study Bibles.  Boys were rushing to kneel at the altar in the hopes that Scott would come down from the podium and put his arm around them as they moaned and cried and "prayed through to victory."

Unfortunately, I couldn't join them at the altar, because I had made a major tactical error.  You could go down only to get saved (forgiven of the sins you had committed), sanctified (made holy, so you would be incapable of future sins), or to help someone else pray through.   And, not knowing that Scott would be there, I got sanctified just a few weeks ago!

Going down again so soon would be admitting that I had never been sanctified at all -- that I had been deceived by Satan into rising from the altar without praying through. Or that I was lying to get the praise and prestige.  A major faux pas. a major humiliation!

Every night I sat in my pew during Brother Jonathan's altar call, counting the teenage boys who went down, calculating whether the chance of Scott choosing me to pray with was worth a public humiliation. Every night I decided against it.

More after the break

Wet Hot American Summer Episode 1.5: Skyler in a satyr costume, a gaslit gay couple, learning how to use your penis

 

Wet Hot American Summer (2001) was set in a summer camp in Maine in 1981: after all of the kids have left, the counselors hold a talent show and hook up. Two guys fall in love and get married.  I've never seen it, so I don't know if the sequence was performed as a homophobic joke or not. 

Undaunted by the 38% Rotten Tomato rating, Netflix produced two Wet Hot tv series, a prequel and a sequel.  Wet Hot American Summer: 10 Years Later catches up with the original characters and some new faces in 1991.  I reviewed Episode 1.5, "King of the Camp," where pompous, snarly, mean-tempered new character Deegs (Skyler Gisondo) and regular Andy (Paul Rudd) compete for the title.

Scene 1: The camp is in session, so there are kids as well as counselors.  Andy's friend points out that he was named King of the Camp every year back in the day, but now the honor goes to that mean-tempered kid, Deegs.  At that moment Deegs throws some trash at them, while his friend Seth does a "fucking" gesture.  So he plans to humiliate them with anal sex? 

They argue. "Fuck off!" "Suck my balls."  Dude, you're a 30 year old man telling a kid to suck your balls.  Doesn't that sound a little odd?  

Finally Andy challenges Deegs to a "King of the Camp Duel."

Scene 2: The King of Camp contest begins with drummers, acrobats, a band dressed like road warriors, and fire dancers (both ladies, darn it).  The contestants are in cages, Andy dressed like a Viking and Deegs dressed like a satyr. Whoa, nice muscles, but shoving your hand into your loincloth is a little distracting. Don't worry, Skyler is 21 years old.

Scene 3: First contest: bag race. Deegs loses his bull horns but keeps the loincloth.

Scene 4:  Next: get dizzy and race with an egg in a spoon.  

Scene 5:  The guys run across the quad for the next contest.  Skyler bouncing around in that satyr outfit is still distracting.  Ok, here it is: make up a song about dinosaurs.  Andy gets weepy about their extinction, while Deegs sings "The Dinosaur Stomp."  

Scene 6: Next: hot pepper eating. Whoops, they're tied.

Scene 7: Next: Man on Fire.  The guys are set on fire, and must walk as far as they can before being overcome.  Hopefully they're wearing fireproof outfits? And using stunt doubles?   They both walk about five feet, and collapse at the same time. But Deegs is an inch ahead, so he wins!  He hugs his bud Seth (Joey Bragg), tells Andy to "suck it," and rushes to collect his prizes. 

As the loser, Andy has to endure the walk of shame, being called names and hit and kicked by the campers.  He complains: "This is total bull jizz!  I should have won!" 

There are six other intertwining plotlines:

1. Yaron and his wife want Victor (Ken Marino) to "shove a baby into her with my penis."   His problem is: he's never had sex, because "my dick has two left thumbs."  His bunkmate, Neil, offers to show him how to use it.  First, to increase his confidence, Neil gives him a makeover ("What do you think I've been taking those night classes at Barbizon for?").  

Then he plops a mattress down and tells Victor to pretend it's a woman. "Slower...don't look like you're going to throw up...smile at her."  He helps, lying on top and thrusting, until Victor has an orgasm.  Ok, you guys just had a dry hump.

This is Ken Marino's bulge from the original movie.  Most likely a prosthetic.

2. Suzie's boyfriend Garth (Jai Courtney, left) got an acting gig, and is leaving the camp -- and her -- for eight months in Budapest. 

3. A girl tells Coop (Michael Showalter) that she doesn't want him hanging out with Katie anymore, He immediately runs into Katie, who wants to have sex with him.

4. McKinley (Michael Ian Black) discovers that his nanny, Renata, has cut all of his faces out of the couple photos, and plans to "Kill the Baby" at 2:00 pm.  He rushes to tell his husband Ben (Adam Scott, left).  

At that moment, she emerges with a cake.  She was planning a surprise anniversary party for them!  She needed the photos for an anniversary montage, and "Kill the Baby" is the band she hired! Hubbie calls him a "paranoid asshole" and rushes off.  But she confesses that he was right: "I wanted to make you insane, so no one will believe you as I destroy your family."  

5. Mark (Mark Feuerstein) keeps a journal of the women he's screwed, upsetting his girlfriend.

6. A journalist shows up at Mikey's door to discuss "him." His wife insists that he (Dax Shepard) not talk to anyone, or "he will kill us." Snooping in the bathroom, the journalist finds a photo of the camp from 1921, with "Ronnie Reagan" among the campers.  This is 1991, just after the Reagan administration, but why would Reagan not want people to know he attended the camp?

Beefcake: Only Skyler, but he is extensively on display.

Heterosexism: Four of the seven plotlines involve heterosexual romance.

Gay Characters: McKinley and Ben.

Gay Subtexts: Victor and Neil (penis functioning plot).  Deegs and Seth (camp leader plot).  Neither expresses any interest in women.  CIA-trained gay subtext couple Eric and Jason (Chris Pine, Jason Schwartzman) appear in later episodes.

My Grade: The contests were very impressive, and some of the plotlines were interesting, even without the back story. A-

Update: Deegs appears in three episodes, and never interacts with a girl.  He is always with his best bud or in a group of guys.  Plus he insults Andy constantly, usually by claiming that he has a nicer dick, but no one ever uses a homophobic slur.  I'm upgrading Deegs from "maybe" to "definitely" gay subtext.

See also: Jason Schwartzman: Lots of quirky guys winning the Girl of their Dreams, with two gay/bi roles and one penis

Zac Efron's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Nude Photos of Adam Devine's Bromantic Partner

Zac Efron is best known for High School Musical and his bromance with Adam Devine.  It's  platonic-ish, gay around the edges: Adam often discusses his erotic attraction to Zac, and brags about seeing his penis -- several times.  (Of course, almost everyone who sees Zac wants to sleep with him.) 

The bromance probably began, or at least became part of their public personas,  when the Workaholics guys did a cameo for Neighbors (2014), playing stoner frat guys from an earlier generation.  Zac and Seth Rogan, the stars of Neighbors, returned the favor: in a promo video for the Season 4 finale, they apply to become the guys' new cubicle mates. Zac gives Adam a lap dance and gets the job.

In Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016), Adam and Zac play gay-subtext brothers who for some reason can't get girlfriends. Can't two of the hottest men on the planet just walk up to anyone they like and ask?   They eventually find some girls who will accept their quirks, but still, their non-fraternal love for each other shines through.  And off camera, after two years of trying, Adam finally got a chance to see Zac's penis.

And the rest of him.

Adam always distracts us from his jaw-dropping gorgeousity by making funny faces.  All Zac has to do is keep his shirt on.

Easier said than done.

Nude photos of Zac after the break.

On My Knees in a Cute Guy's Bedroom: one of the perks of growing up Nazarene

 

Every year the family spends a week camping somewhere in the northwoods, fishing, swimming, hiking -- and, on Sunday, finding the nearest Nazarene Church.

This summer, when I am 14 years old, it is in Brainerd, Minnesota, an hour's drive from our campsite

"An hour there and an hour back!" I protest.  "It will be 3:00 by the time we get home-- the whole afternoon wasted."

"Church is never a waste of time," Mom points out.  "Besides, there might be some cute girls there."

I sigh.  Ever since I started junior high, my parents and brother have been pointing out girls, asking if there are any cute girls in my class, high-fiving each other whenenever I casually mention a girl.  So have my friends.  Even the preacher, as he stands at the church door to shake everyone's hand as they leave, gives me a wink and says "A lot of cute girls here today!"

"And what about the soulwinners?: I continue. "We'll be mobbed!"

"Oh, stop complaining.  We'll just call ahead and tell them we're coming."

The most prestigious thing a Nazarene can do is soulwinning, talking sinners (which basically means all non-Nazarenes) into accepting Jesus as their Personal Savior, thereby winning their souls for our team.

We take classes in soulwinning, hear sermons about it, read stories about it, evaluate scenarios.  Our Sunday School teacher often asks "How many souls did you win this week?"

Usually none at all.  It's not easy.  When you were 14 years old, would you have been able to walk up to this guy and say "Hi, do you have a moment to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ?"

If you aren't "spiritually mature" enough for soulwinning, you can witness instead: tell the sinner that you are ecstatically happy every moment of every day because you're saved, or just demonstrate with a broad smile.  The sinner, immersed in the unrelenting agony of the unsaved life, will eventually want to know more.

Soulwinning is so prized that casual visitors to a Nazarene church can easily be mobbed by people grinning at them and trying to start soulwinning conversations.  Unless they come with a member, signifying that they are "taken," or call ahead.

When we walk through the foyer of the Brainerd Church of the Nazarene, looking for all the world like a family of sinners who stumbled in by accident, we are nearly mobbed, but the Sunday School superintendent, the one we called earlier, comes to the rescue.

"We have Nazarenes from Illinois visiting us today," he announces, and the wannabe soulwinners back off.

But in my Sunday School class, they haven't gotten the word.

Ten or so high schoolers are sitting on folding chairs or chatting before the class begins, and every one of them looks up and flashes me a toothy witnessing grin.  Two girls and a boy approach, intent on starting soulwinning conversations.

"I'm from....." I begin.  Then a tall, black haired boy with a strong physique, obviously church royalty, leaves his cluster of admirers and exerts control.  The others back off.

"Welcome!  I'm Roald," he say, offering a warm, tight handshake and a more subtle witnessing smile.  He's done this before!  "Is this your first time?"



This could work to my advantage!

"My parents made me come," I say, which is true.

"Well, sit down over here by me.  I'll tell you how everything works.  If you have any questions, just ask."

So I sit thigh to thigh with a cute boy, who helps me hold the hymnal and shows me how to find Bible verses.

The lesson is about how God has a husband or wife planned out for us, so we should keep ourselves pure and not kiss before marriage.  Standard Sunday school stuff, but I'm already annoyed by Mom's "there may be cute girls there" crack, so I must look rather grumpy.

Roald thinks I'm "under conviction" and puts his arm around me.

Then we have to hold hands for the closing prayer.

This could definitely work to my advantage! 

More after the break

Tropic Thunder: Danny McBride, a gay rapper, Jack Black's bulge, and a lot of wartime buddy-bonding

 

In Tropic Thunder (2008), some actors, their director, and a member of the crew are filming a movie about the daring rescue of a captured American soldier during the Vietnam War. They accidentally move off-set and out of Vietnam, into Laos --the territory of a heroin-trafficking drug cartel.  Except they still think they are filming a movie!  

They are:

1. Tugg Speedman (Ben Spiller), an action-adventure star who tried to move into drama with Simple Jack, about a mentally-disabled farm boy. It bombed, but it happens to be the drug cartel's favorite movie.

2. Rick Peck (Matthew McConaughey, left), his agent and gay-subtext best friend.  When Tugg is captured by the drug cartel, he rushes to the rescue.

3. Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), famous for a series of movies about a family who farts.  If you like chub, he's got an extended scene tied up in his underwear (which displays quite a bulge).

Left: Jack Black's but

4. Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr., left and below), an Austalian superstar who always stays in character, playing a black soldier.

More after the break

"Spider-Man: The Dark Age": Peter Parker with minimal Mary Jane and a gay-subtext best friend.

 

I have been eagerly anticipating the fan-movie Spider-Man: Intro the Dark, directed by Timmons Flowers and Gemstone alum Jak Kristowski: no girl is mentioned in the trailer or in any of the comments by  the showrunners. This is a big deal: the Spider-Man mythos is usually intensely heteronormative. ("Like all stories, this story is about a boy and a girl.").   

Scene 1: After a news report about an explosion in Rosenberg Labs, we cut to a high school shot.  Peter Parker (Joshua Morgan) enters his class and talks to his bud about asking "Ruby" out.  Ok, so he's established as heterosexual at minute 0.30.  Two other guys discuss meeting at Peter's house after school.

Scene 2: Home.  Peter is greeted by his mom  Cut to breakfast, where they all discuss the explosion. Dad says he's going to be gone three days to help with cleanup, and he'll be back tomorrow night.  That's two days. Continuity?

Scene 3: Peter playing chess with his bud, who he calls Veon, but is listed as Eddie in the closing credits (played by Jaizier Mallett, called Ja in the closing credits).  He says "checkmate," although the pieces on the board are random; no checkmate.  Eddie/Veon leaves.  

A Harvard recruiter calls, wanting to talk to Peter because of his excellent skills on the guitar.  Really? Does Harvard have a big guitar program?  Could we see Peter playing the guitar?  

Later, Dad gets home and tells Peter that all of the animals in the lab died. Except for the spider crawling op his sleeve...which, the minute he leaves the room, bites Peter!

Scene 4: That night, Peter dreams of having super powers.  He wakes up, goes to the kitchen, and eats a lot of pizza and chips.  He goes back to bed, wakes up with a fever, and stays home from school. 

Scene 5: Cut to Peters' femme friend Hunter (Tyler Inabinette, who is queer in real life) eating dinner with his dad -- pizza.  Is that all people eat in ths town? Dad upbraids him for just getting a B on the quiz.   Dad, who owns Rosenberg Labs, gets a call that they lost something valuable, so he leaves.  Um..dude, the place was exploded. You lost everything valuable.

Scene 6: Peter in the garage gym, doing lots of pushups and bench presses (fully clothed).  He can attach himself to the ceiling!  He calls Hunter to come over, and demonstrates.  They deduce that he has developed superpowers from the bite of a genitically altered spider.  

Scene 7: At school, Hunter wants to be Peter's lab partner, but he picks Ruby, the girl he likes, instead.  Not cool, bro!  Hunter has to pick someone else. He approaches Eddie/Veon, who is surprised: "Aren't you and Peter best friends?"  "Yeah, but he likes this girl..."  Eddie/Veon criticizes him: "Sound like you don't have the guts to ass it out."  This phrase is not in the Urban Dictionary, but I imagine it means something like "fight for him."

Scene 8: Hunter and Eddie.Veon working on their project, a 3-d model of an atom (which we don't get to see). They decide to take a break and go fishing.  That's a break?  Won't it take hours?  Hunter reveals that he likes Ruby, but Peter already has her torn up.  Ugh!  What happened to "just us guys?"  

On the way back from fishing, they discuss their interests.  Hunter asks Eddie/Veon to see a movie with "me and Peter."  He agrees, except "No Peter."  Want him all to yourself, Eddie/Veon?  Think of your answer carefully -- you're my last hope.

Scene 9: Cut to Peter testing his spidey powers by jumping off the roof.  No problem.  Mom and Dad are both out for the evening, so he cooks dinner -- not pizza.  Whoops, some burglars break in!  Peter clobbers them, but he's injured in the leg.  The police arrive and help him limp out. Wait -- it was night, and now it's broad daylight!

Scene 10: Peter's bestie Hunter calls and invites him to participate in an underground fight thing. They wear masks so no one knows who they are, but his opponent, Flash (Ben  Beauchamp), recognizes him anyway, calling him "Penis Parker."  What's wrong with being named after your penis?   He beats Flash, who goes home to get beat up by his dad. 

Cut to Peter and Hunter going home, laughing and grabbing each other.  The fight was at night, but now it's daylight.  Dad is watching a news story about how strong spider webs are. 

Scene 11: Peter and  Hunter designing a spider-man costume, with special equipment so he can extrude webs from his wrists and stick to things. They test the elasticity by holding hands. 

Peter admits that he's kissed Ruby, and Hunter gives him effusive congratulations.  "You've proven that you're hetero, bro!  Want to hold hands again?"

Then Peter's spidey-senses kick in: his mom has been kidnapped by a katanga-wielding bad guy.  Peter rushes to the rescue, but she sees him -- what if she recognizes him?! He rushes back to his room to hide -- and takes his shirt off and lies down on the floor. Beefcake alert!

Scene 12: He awakens, still shirtless. Mom wants to talk to him, so he slowly puts a shirt on -- beefcake alert!.  Fortunately, they don't know that he's the spider-dude. They just want to know what's going on, with his late nights, fights, and girlfriend. He blows up and storms out.

That night, Peter's little brother Sam appears to yell at him: "You left me!  You were the worst big brother ever, to let me die like that!"  Why haven't we seen Sam or heard of this guilt before?

Scene 13:  In the morning, Peter rebuffs Mom's attempts to connect.  She asks "Did you hear what happened to Aunt May?"  Another character not mentioned before, but maybe she was the kidnapped lady.

Peter walks for a really long time.  Now it's night. He runs into Flash, the guy he beat at the fight earlier, being beat up by his Dad, I think, and intervenes.  Flash thanks him.

Scene 14: Peter standing atop one of the pylons on the Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, flexing in his Spider-Man costume.

Cliffhanger: The Big Bad decides to lure him out by kidnapping someone he's close to. The end.

Beefcake: Peter with his shirt off for about 5 minutes.

Gay Characters: None specificed.

Gay Subtext: Hunter seems be interested in Parker, and Eddie/Veon is trying to woo him away. I wish they could have been more explicit, but the guys were probably worried about scaring away homophobic viewers.

Heterosexism: In spite of the four throwaway lines about liking girls, there is no hetero-romantic plot. 

Continuity Errors: Lots. It's night, and then it's day.  You think it's dinner time, but they're having breakfast.  Characters are discussed without being introduced. Plotlines are introduced, then dropped.

My Grade: For a fan movie written and directed by two teenage dudebros, it has  competent production values.  The acting is a bit amateurish, but then, these are amateurs (except for Tyler), so you can't expect drama school graduates.  The gay subtext and lack of excessive heterosexism push the grade up to a C+.

See: Jak and Kelton visit the Citadel: Beach Day, Dick Day, modeling, wrestling, and a tour of the campus

Stephen Dorff: Queer characters and dicks

In Season 3 of the Righteous Gemstones, Steven Dorff plays Vance Simkins, one of the three Simpkins siblings, pastors of a competing mega-church and arch-rivals of the Gemstones.  He postures, insults Jesse, gets beat up by Jesse's thugs, and finally competes with the Gemstones in a Bible trivia contest that is plagued by locusts.

Stephen Dorff has been a Hollywood hunk and dramatic and comedic staple for 40 year.  Go through his list of acting credits on the IMDB and count the movies and tv shows you haven't seen -- it will be easier. I remember his 1990s work most fondly: S.F.W,, I Shot Andy Warhol, City of Industry, Blade, Cecil B. Demented.  A surprising number of gay and otherwise queer characters.

In a 2006 interview, Dorff said that he's surprised he's not gay because when he was young, he liked to watch women...getting dressed?  Wait --why would a young gay boy want to see naked ladies?

He has shown his chiseled physique and his butt in a huge number of movies.  Here's a sample.

Dick after the break