Khemjira: A Thai shaman and his students find boyfriends, with a "Power Ranger" demon, muscular ghosts, magic bees, a play, and penises

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Chad Allen: The Dr. Quinn hunk is outed, but still plays heterosexual romantic leads and a gay detective. With his cock and 1990s San Francisco

I finally cleaned out my "Profiles to Do" file,  eliminating Tyler Posey (extremely ugly), Ethan Cutkosky (only four photos), and Raphael Luce (already profiled him). Twelve guys are left: Nicholas Bechtel, Nathaniel Bacon, Ben Patrick Johnson...wait, Chad Allen.  The name brings back a flood of memories.

In 1995, my partner Lane and I moved to San Francisco, because why wouldn't you?  It was Gay Heaven.  It was also very difficult, cold, crowded, dirty, and dangerous.  Lane lasted for about six months before dumping me and high-tailing it back to the comfort of West Hollywood.  I stuck it out for two years.

The main problem: We felt obligated to serve as stand-ins for the thousands of gay men who dreamed of living in Gay Heaven.  Every moment had to count.  Every night was a mad rush of beer busts, bear parties, AIDS benefits, book signings, art openings, film premieres, and hookups, until, by Saturday night we were exhausted, and more often than not just wanted to get Chinese take-out and chill in front of the tube.  So we watched Married..with Children, Lois & Clark, Leaving L.A. (because we had left L.A.), and Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-98)

Jane Seymour played the titular doctor, also known as Doctor Mike, who moved out West in 1867 to deal with gamblers, grifters, bureaucrats, cowboys, Indians, and a lot of sick and dying people.  No gay characters, but come on, she was named Mike, she disguised herself as a man on many occasions, and she had a lesbian-subtext romance with her midwife, Charlotte.  After The Girl died, Doctor Mike adopted her three children and started a romance with a cowboy (Joe Lando).  You have to move on.

Chad Allen played Matthew Cooper, Dr. Mike's adopted son.  His plotlines involved trying to father his younger siblings after Mom's death (by rattlesnake bite), getting a girlfriend (who dies of rabies), being trapped in a cave-in, getting a new girlfriend, getting a gambling addiction, chasing cattle rustlers, and having various accidents.  Sure, it was ridiculous, but in the 1990s everything on tv was ridiculous.  Remember Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210?

Joe Lando appeared in Playgirl, but didn't show his dangly bits.

But Chad did.  At least, some leaked photos purportedly of a young adult Chad made the rounds of nude celebrity websites in the early 2000s.

Chad had been appearing heart-warmers and tear-jerkers since he was seven years old: Hotel, Webster, Highway to Heaven, Punky Brewster, and The Wonder Years (that's Fred Savage beside him).

His most iconic role was Tommy Westphal, the autistic son of Dr. Westphal in 17 episodes of the homophobic medical drama St. Elsewhere (1983-88).  We only watched one episode, and it was homophobic.

The season finale of St. Elsewhere revealed that the entire series was imagined by Tommy as he gazed at a snow globe.   It was all a dream. This enraged fans, but isn't all fiction someone's dream?

Chad also played more conventional roles, like the 12-year old David Witherspoon in 46 episodes of the dramedy Our House (1986-88).  The then-famous curmudgeon Wilford Brimley starred as the grandpa to three cute kids.

And Zach Nichols, who competes with Giovanni Ribisi for the attention of The Girl in 26 episodes of the comedy (sort of) My Two Dads (1987-1990).

In 1996,  Chad was outed when the tabloid The Globe published a leaked photo of him kissing a guy!  

Usually in the 1990s, coming out or being outed meant an instant end to your career, but Jane Seymour was a strong LGBT ally, and insisted that Chad continue appearing as Matthew in every episode of Dr. Quinn.  The writers did manage to avoid giving him a new girlfriend.

More after the break

Drake Bell: A lot has happened since "Drake and Josh," including some gay videos

  

You probably remember Drake Bell from Drake and Josh (2004-2007), the Nickelodeon teencom about mismatched stepbrothers, with Drake the schemer ("let's break into the school and stack all the desks upside down) and Josh (Josh Peck) the stick-in-the-mud ("but we have to study for our math test").   It was loaded down with gay subtexts, including an nearly-out gay couple, Craig and Eric.  (Dudes even hold hands during a crisis).

You may have gone to his first post-Drake movie, College (2008), where he and his three friends head for a "college weekend" (a weekend of fun activities to convince high schoolers to apply).  Theirs involves nonstop shenanigans, all intensely heteronormative. At least Drake is taped to a statue of the founder with his backside exposed to the world. I think it's supposed to be humiliating.

You may have watched A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner (2011), to see how Nickelodeon would handle the gay-subtext classic.  They flubbed it.  Timmy is absurdly heteros*xual. 

And then you probably relegated Drake to nostalgic memories, not paying a lot of attention to what he's been doing for the last few years.

I checked.  Brace yourself.  It's a lot.

More Fairly Oddparents movies.

A lot of stuff with former coster Josh Peck 

A lot of voice work, especially Spider-Man in various cartoons, even Phineas and Ferb, and a video game.

An Elf named Snowflake

Ben the Wizard in Bad Students of Crestview Academy

The reality series Splash, where celebrities dive for charity.

The paranormal series Silverwood

Damian in American Satan

A career in music, with six studio albums, eighteen singles, twelve music videos, and sold-out concerts.  Some songs in Spanish that top the Mexican charts. 

Drake's personal life after the break.  Warning: it gets rocky. 

"Mike and Nick and so on": Time traveling gangsters, a cannibal assassin, a gay party, Jimmy Tatro, and Arturo's d*ck

    

Hulu recommended a movie with a title so stylized that I couldn't decipher it, but the icon featured two guys, and I don't have enough movie reviews here, so I clicked on "play."  It's Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice (2026).

Scene 1: A Wacky Scientist (Ben Schwartz) working in a room full of old-fashioned desktop computers and dot-matrix printers.  The quantum stabilizers are engaged, so he wolf-howls with joy and sings a rap song about being the greatest person on Earth (but really, aren't all rap songs saying that?).   Continuing his song, he heads to the chalkboard and finishes his equation.  

Uh-oh, the portal starts to glow, and a figure appears.  Wacky Scientist pulls a gun to defend himself, and accidentally shoots himself, and sets the lab on fire.  Must be him from the future.

Scene 2: A lot of people yelling "Welcome back, Jimmy (Keith David)!" at a party celebrating his release from prison after 6 years.  

Wait -- Jimmy, played by Jimmy Tatro, is standing off to the side.  Everyone is cheering his Crime Lord Dad.  Director: why have the guest of honor off to the side, while everyone cheers his father? Do you have any idea how confusing that is?

Jimmy takes center stage and yells "Get loose, biatch!", whereupon everyone applauds, and a cute Short Guy yells "Awright!"  They must be responding to his catch phrase?

Crime boss Dad notes that someone in this room is responsible for Jimmy going to prison, and he'll be dealt with tonight.  But for now, have fun.

Scene 3:  A Sleazoid, standing at the bar, gets flirted with by a lady, while a Posh Guy glares at him; three ladies smooze; the Short Guy flirts with a sleeveless Muscle Hunk, then walks off with him.  A hookup!

I checked the cast list:

Slezoid: Mike (James Marsden)

Posh Guy: Nick (Vince Vaughn)

Short Guy: Dumbass Tony (Arturo Castro, left) 

Muscle Hunk: Roid Rage Ryan (Lewis Tan, top photo.).

Posh Guy is glaring because the lady flirting with the Sleazoid happens to be his wife, Alice.  She asks if he's going to the after-after-after party.  He's not, because he hates her, so she turns her attention back to the Sleazoid.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid, with flowers and wine, walks through dim blue-lit hallways.  It looks like a gay club, but it's actually a regular hallway in this hotel (crazy!), leading to a regular (albeit extremely dim) suite.  He calls Posh Guy's Wife to tell her that he left a key at the front desk for their hookup.  

There's a knock on the door.  "Holy shit!" Sleazoid exclaims.  It's Posh Guy -- did he catch on that Sleazoid is cheating with his wife?  "I know you're in there!!! Open up!!!"

Sleazoid texts the Wife.  "Don't let him in!  If he knows about us, he'll kill you!"  

Turns out that Sleazoid is an enforcer, breaking legs and murdering people, and Posh Guy has a job for him: "it might get heavy and weird."   

"But I wanted to go to Jimmy's after-after-after party."

"Nope, this is too important."

"I'm planning to leave the business, so no killing. But I'll beat someone up for you."

Scene 5: They drive to Posh Guy's house.  He tells Sleazoid to take some chloroform and knock out the person who answers the door, no matter who it is.  

Left: Arturo Castro's backside  I didn't have enough to make a full profile, but you're going to get his d*ck before this review ends.

The door is answered by: Posh Guy himself!  Wearing another outfit.

The chloroform doesn't work. They fight.  There's fireplace pokers, photos of wives, aquariums, and a trophy, and finally Posh Guy is killed.  

Scene 6: Our Posh Guy arrives, and is not happy to find the house destroyed and the Other Posh Guy dead.  Plus  "The Crime Boss will be here soon, and he can't see you."   

They clean up just in time for Sleazoid to hide.

Crime Boss arrives, and tells Posh Guy that he knows who ratted out his son Jimmy to "those pig c*ks*ckers."  Homophobic slur, in 2026!  I am disgusted.  You get one more before I'm outta here.

More after the break.