RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Recker Eans: The gaydar boy on "Beyond Waverly Place" drums in gay-friendly videos, but is he gay or an ally? With bandmate dicks

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I've posted dozens of more-or-less accurate autobiographical stories here and on Tales of West Hollywood, moving from my fundamentalist Nazarene childhood through high school, figuring it out, college, grad school at Indiana University, a horrible year in...ugh...Texas, and on to the heart of the Gay World. Some of the stories are minimal -- I was trying to cover every gay hint, boyfriend, hookup, and sausage sighting -- but some are well-written, insightful, humorous, and occasionally erotic. Here are my 24 favorites.

Childhood

I Fall Asleep in a Sailor's Arms. On the train on the way back from visiting South Carolina. He warns me about making friends with "sissies."

The Face of Pure Evil. The Old Lady Schoolteachers' grandson, who may not have looked like this, rescues me from the Maniac who stalks the hallways of Denkmann Elementary School.

The Answer to the Naked Man's Question. A psychedelic Alice in Wonderland on tv on a golden afternoon, and a naked man who asks a question that I still can't answer.

Comic Books and Cocks at the Furniture Store. Cousin Buster pranks me by claiming that you can get comic books at the furniture store -- and the delivery guys take off their shirts. And sometimes their pants.

Grandpa Prater's Banjo On the day after Christmas, Cousin Buster and I sneak into Grandpa Prater's room to borrow his banjo.

My Wild Night: Pancakes, Massage, and a Wiener. I broke like six of my parents' rules that night, and was grounded for two weeks. But at least I got to feel a...

High School

On My Knees in a Cute Guy's Bedroom. When we went on vacation, we had to go to a local church, where they mistook us for sinners and tried inept soul-winning lines. But once it worked to my advantage: A cute boy invited me to his bedroom "to pray."

The Preacher Pops a Boner. Our Bible College invited prospective students to a weekend of campus tours, ball games, nature hikes, classroom visits -- and the boys' dorm lounge, where the only couch invisible to the monitor got quite busy.

Augustana College

The First Gay Rights March in Iowa. Passersby pull their friends out of stores to gawk. The police watch closely, eager to arrest us if we happen to touch another marcher's hand

I Cheat on My Boyfriend with a Goblin. The Goblin's name is Dale Schafer-Shit. But Fred was cheating with him first. Every friggin' day.

Sharing a Bed with Mary's Brother. My friend Mary invites me to her horrible house in the suburbs for spring break. But at least I get to share a bed with a cute bo.

More after the break

"Big Mistakes," Episode 1.1: Dan Levy as a gay Christian pastor with a secret boyfriend and a crazy sister. With Patrick and Pacheco nude.

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This morning I was checking my streaming services for new tv shows with gay content, and found The Sister on Hulu: "Almost a decade into married life, Nathan is rocked to the core when Bob, an unwelcome face from the past, turns up on his doorstep." Sounds like Bob is an old boyfriend. I'll give it a try.

Scene 1: New Year's Eve. In his terrible apartment, a guy is watching the news, and planning to off himself with pills and booze. Watching the news often has that effect on people. There's a story about a girl named Elise, who vanished three years ago. A heartfelt plea from her family for anyone who knows anything to contact them. This shocks the guy, and he gives up the plan. He must know where Elise is.

Scene 2: Seven years later. The guy -- he must be Nathan -- has settled down to an extremely wealthy lifestyle, when there's a knock on the door: the leering, stringly-haired, sopping-wet Bob (Bertie Carvel, according to Mr. Man).

"No, you can't be here! We agreed!" But Bob has news: they're digging up the woods for a new housing development.

He looks much older than Nathan, but the actors are only four years apart.

At that moment, Nathan's wife comes home. He tells her that Bob is an old mate who dropped by because he was distraught over girl problems, and was just leaving. Then he goes into the bathroom and hyperventilates and throws up. There's a flashback of Nathan running through the woods.

Scene 3: In the morning, the wife thinks he's sick, and offers to pop by the chemist, but Nathan says he's fine, he just needs to stay home and rest. When she leaves, he researches the new housiing development: Newbeck Green, controversial because it will destroy some virgin woods. He calls Ex Buddy Bob, who tells him that they have to move fast, and asks if "it" has come yet." Nathan doesn't know what he means.

Bulge close-up! Even in a heteronormative project, you can always find something to look at.

He goes down to check the mail, and there it is: a CD-ROM that says "destroy after playing."

Turns out that Nathan is played by Russell Tovey (butt left), who is gay in real life and has played gay characters about 100 times. I wonder if Nathan is gay, too, in a lavender marriage. That's why he and his wife haven't kissed. Or else Russell's contract states that he won't have to kiss any icky girls. I'd insist on it.

Scene 4: That night Nathan drives out to the woods, and flashes back to hanging out with the missing girl there.

Then he plays the CD-Rom; It's an indistinct voice, something like a woman saying "Nathan, I'm not dead." This must be one of those EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) recordings you can make of ghosts in haunted houses. My favorites are "You don't belong here" and "It's just me."

Scene 5: Flashback to seven years ago. Nathan waits in his car outside Charles Collier Sales & Letting (rentals), watching Holly, who will be his wife.

Then he goes to his office and looks at her photo on his computer and a post-it with her work number on it. He calls, hangs up, calls back, and asks for her.

Left: The gaydar-tinging Sam Henderson plays the receptionist. I tried looking for nude photos, but no matter how many key words of "men only," 'no ladies," "absolutely no women," Google always gave me ladies.

When Holly answers, Nathan claims that he is interested in renting a house, but he can't tell her the basics, like the location and number of bedrooms. What's with the deception? Did you see her someplace and decide to stalk her instead of starting a conversation? She invites him to come in for a consultation tomorrow.

Back in the present: Holly wakes Nathan up: he fell asleep in front of the tv (watching the news, of course). They discuss whether he is feeling better, and then her job, which now apparently involves building houses, not just renting them. Nathan tries to get some intel about the new housing development "near your mum's house." Wait -- is Holly the sister of the missing girl? Did Nathan see her on the newscast seven years ago, figure that she was the Girl of His Dreams, and start stalking? Or does he feel guilty for vanishing her sister?

He has a date with Bob, sick or not, so he leaves.