Showing posts with label Seinfeld. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seinfeld. Show all posts

"Tires": I was expecting sweaty, muscular mechanics, and I got dick sucking jokes. With bonus Farrell bum and Puddy dick




I've been having trouble finding a show to review.  A lot of misdirections.

The promo shows two guys hugging on the beach. Obviously a gay couple, right.  Nope, they're straight buddies.

The description says "two former bandmates -- and lovers -- are reunited," with a shot of two guys checking into a hotel.  Obviously a gay couple, right.  Nope, they're straight buddies.

So, as a last resort, I went with the beefcake.  The promo of Tires, Episode 2.6, shows two shirtless hunks on a stage. 

 I have absolutely no experience with tires, except for the iconic photograph Fred with Tires, by Herb Ritts, and Puddy on Seinfeld  (Patrick Warburton, below). When the auto mechanic says I need new ones, I buy new ones, whichever are cheapest.  Who goes shopping specifically for tires?  So a sitcom set in a tire store should be interesting, if just for the shirtless mechanics, their muscles damp with sweat, their hands greasy and grimey as they strain against...lube and stuff...





Scene 1:
  Welcome to the Tri-State Mid-Market Tire Expo.  A life-sized cardboard of Brock Majors (Tom Lipinksi) promises that he will be Hard!

 Valley Forge Tire Store guy Shane (Shane Gillis), exclaims "This is going to be awesome! Brock rules!" His mousy companion Will (Steve Gerben) wants to know why.  

"He makes dudes cry. It's hilarious. He goes to expos and tells salesmen that if they don't sell enough, people are going to f*k their wives." Ok, gay erasure, assuming that all men everywhere are heterosexual, Strike 1.

They discuss the best rest stop for pooping with the receptionist.  Gross.

Uh-oh, the Hard Event requires tickets, they didn't buy any, and they're all sold out.  But some of the vendors got extra.  Ask them.

Bear Shane sarcastically asks Mousy Will to get tickes from "your boyfriend in True Thread." Will counters "He's not my boyfriend, and I'm trying to avoid him."  Maybe Bear Shane is being homophobic, or maybe Will is canonically gay.  I'll hold off the strike until I get more information.

Scene 2: At a British tire booth, Mousy Will asks for "an all weather tire at $105 apiece," and  Bear Shane asks for tickets to the Hard Event.  Nope.

The two split up.  Mousy Will sees Ryan, his "boyfriend in True Threads" (Jack Ferrell, top photo and below), and tries to run away.  Wait -- is he fighting homoerotic attraction?  Did they go on a date, and now he is ghosting him?


Scene 3
: After making a cringy comment about Pit Crew Simulators, Bear Shane tries to get a drink at the bar, but Mark the Bartender (John Feitelberg, left) says that they're closed. Suddenly Friendly Stranger Mike (Vince Vaughn) appears and drops the name of the hotel owner: "He told me to tell you to open the bar early, or you're fired."  That old "I'm best friends with/the brother of the owner, so change the rules" never works.  Oh, wait, it does.

They bond. The Friendly Stranger runs a tire store too, of course, but he really comes to these conventions to get away from his wife, whom he hates (a common trope on tv sitcoms).  "So, you got a wife and kids?"  Gay erasure, assumption of universal heterosexual desire again, but it's coming from a jerk, so I'll let it slide.

Shane doesn't, but he has a girlfriend.  Close enough. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 6. 

They're having problems, so the Friendly Stranger suggests getting laid at the conference.  Shane doesn't want to: the women here have jacked forearms and bowl cuts.  I figured the Friendly Stranger would offer to do the job, but he doesn't.

About "getting tickets to the Hard Event" problem: just pretend you're important, like the manager of your store, not just a mechanic, and they'll give you some.

Scene 4: Cut to Bear Shane being "general manager" and schmoozing.  They all want to offer a good rate on tire purchases, but he just wnats the tickets.  He calls two guys who refuse to turn over any "boy-touchers," which may be homophobic. 

Meanwhile, in line at the pretzel place, Mousy Will schoomzes with the bear in front of him, who is also named Will.  Another line-stander says "You guys should get an apartment together."  These zingers are all of the "is this homophobic or not?" variety.  I'm holding off my Strike 3 for something blatant.

The Other Will runs 2,300 stores! Our Will has only six.  His secret: "Get a scaleable business model and take risks."  I'm getting bored.  Are we ever going to see the Hard Guy?

Inspired, Our Will rushes to his "boyfriend" Ryan from True Threads. You gonna ask him out? Back story: Ryan has a wife.  So he's not Will's boyfriend, they're not even dating.  And Will is getting up his courage for...a business something or other.


Excuse me, the homophobia is rather bad, but  much worse is the obsession with business-money-deals.  I need some poetry and a dick.

This is the dead land.  This is cactus land

Here the stone images are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man’s hand

Under the twinkle of a fading star.

That's better.  Let's trudge on. 

More after the break

David Naughton: The cutest guy of the Disco Era, telling us to "Be a Pepper" and showing us his d*ck

 


Is this not the cutest guy you've ever seen?  Other than Wes Stern (sigh) and Adam Devine, of course.

Between 1977 and 1981, the recent University of Pennsylvania graduate David Naughton could be seen in dozens of tv commercials, prancing about in a white shirt, black vest, and bulging jeans, selling Dr. Pepper.

"I'm a Pepper -- wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"

I don't like the soft drink, but the spokesman was one of my first crushes.


David's fame from the commercials led to an invitation to star in Makin' It (1979), a rip-off of Saturday Night Fever with David and Greg Antonacci as disco-dancing brothers.  He also recorded the theme song:

Makin' it, oo makin' it, I'm solid gold.

I've got the goods

They stand when I walk through the neighborhoods

I'm makin' it

"Hit tv series" was a little premature: Makin' It was canned after nine episodes.




Next came Midnight Madness (1980), with teams of college students on an all-night scavenger hunt.  David's team, the good guys, includes his younger brother (Michael J. Fox before Family Ties).  There are also teams of jocks, spoiled rich kids, and girls.  I didn't notice any gay subtexts.

But American Werewolf in London (1981) has one.






College students David and Griffin Dunne are hiking through the Scottish highlands, when they are attacked by a werewolf.  Griffin is killed, and David turns, in scenes that emphasize his physique and penis.

More after the break