I wasn't planning to watch The Body, on Netflix (not to be confused with the 12 other tv series and movies of that name), because it's set in a Catholic girls' school, and the icon shows a lot of girls but no boys. But then Marcel Ruiz, the femme and fabulous (but straight) One Day at a Time boy, posted a locker room shot with Orlando Norman (left) and Cale Ambrosik (right), so maybe ther will be some beefcake.
Episode 1, "The Slutty God."
Scene 1: Halloween, 2004. A scary road, and then a Catholic Mass. The Hot Priest says "The Body of Christ," and places the wafer on the tongues of the teenagers. He gazes lustfully at his "special friends." Hey, there are boys, too. I thought it was a girls' school.
Next, girls stretching for sports, and gazing lustfullyy at each other's bodies.
A girl snaps a photo: "Holy fuck, you guys look like a bunch of dykes." Catholic teens in 2004. I'll give them a pass for being homophobic.
Scene 2: Two girls --- no, a girl and super-femme Leo (Jackson Kelly) -- bike down the scary road, and arrive at the school late for Mass, just in time to join the communion line.
One of the boys asks his friend, "Do you spit or swallow?" They laugh. I think they're just being homophobic.
Scene 3: A Plain Girl (maybe Leo's sister) is trying out for the Lions, a dance team. The candidates strip down to their bras, turning on the Blond Girl. But Plain Girl's moves are awful.
They all adjourn to the locker room. I've had enough boobs for one day, so I fast forward through their mean banter.
Scene 4: Bullies grab Super-Femme Leo's artwork. One calls him a "perv," and the other "I respect the homosexuals."
Cut to Blond Girl getting oral sex from her boyfriend Steve (Orlando Norman), but it doesn't work. She doesn't get aroused.
Left: Orlando has played a gay guy in Boys on Film and straight guys in the gay-themed Wrecked and Sebastian.
Her Wife rushes up: "Are you hitting on my wife?"
They tell him that they're dressing as a slutty angel and devil for the Halloween party.
Scene 5: Blond Girl confides in her Wife in the bathroom. "He's nice, but nothing he tries works." Try it with a girl.
Very Religious Grace is spying on them. She suggests praying to St. John of Cupertino, and leaves.
"Gay of her to be spying on us like that!" I think they mean "gay" literally: Very Religious Grace wants an eyeful of lady parts.
Cut to their test, something about Jesus and the Book of Deutoronomy. Plain Girl Lisbeth lets Blond Girl cheat. Afterwards, Blond Girl thanks her, and iinvites her to the Halloween party. "It's at Devil's House. You know, the haunted abandoned convent?"
After school, Leo and Lizbeth bike home. I guess it's not a boarding school.
Scene 6: Super-Femme Leo and Very Religious Grace preparing a report. He wants to argue that John Kerry (the 2004 Presidential candidate) can't call himself Catholic if he condones murdering babies. She retorts that St. Augustine says that our souls don't enter our bodies until months after conception, so early term abortion is ok.
"No, abortion is murder, period."
"What if you get pregnant while really young?"
"Then it's on you for having premarital sex," Super-Femme Leo says, gazing at her as she sucks on her pen like it's a..."
Leo starts to get hard and rushes out. He sees a photo of the priest and says "Forgive me, Father," then starts praying to St. Michael. Dang it, all of the hints that he's gay were just misdirections.
Meanwhile, Very Religious Grace gets a text about the Halloween party tonight. A little late, isn't it?
Next, she sneaks a peek at Leo's artwork, and is disgusted. When Leo returns, she orders him to leave.
"Please don't tell anyone." We still haven't see the art. Is it nekkid ladies, or nekkid men?
Scene 7: Plain Girl Lisbeth's bedridden Mom watching TV Preacher Josh Cruddas. Hey, that's a Pentecostal sermon. Pentecostals don't even like Catholics. I'm fast forwarding past the applying of salve and the dying mom discussion.
Cut to the girls squealing and shrieking as they get high on the way to the party. I have never seen any group of girls so inexorably drugged-and-sexed up.
Blond Girl calls Very Religious Grace: "There's a special initiation for the Lions tonight, so whatever you see, don't freak out."
Uh-oh, Very Religious Grace hears a loud thudding. She approaches carefully, and finds the intruder in the kitchen: the Hot Priest (Nnamdi Asomugha). Why did the priest break in to steal her stuff?
Psych! The priest is her uncle, bringing pizza in case she forgot to eat.
She gets a message from Leo, and ignores it. Hot Priest thinks she is upset, but she yells at him for being over-protective.
Scene 8: Plain Girl Lisbeth, dressed in an ancient Greek outfit for the party, asks Super-Femme Leo to iron her hair.
"Did our bedridden, dying Mom give you permission to go to a Halloween party."
"She didn't say I couldn't go, since I didn't ask."
More after the break
Scene 9: Party guests sitting on lawn chairs outside the abandoned convent. Girls dressed as the twins from The Shining lead Very Religious Grace, dressed as Red Riding Hood, inside, where the girls squeal "Prince of Darkness, take this virgin sacrifice, and in exchange, let us place at the Regionals!"
They give her a pill. "Body of Satan." Oh, like the Eucharist, I get it.
"Satan, take our souls! We're all going to hell anyway!"
I'd be noping out of there. There are no boys around, so I'm fast forwarding to the end of the fake ceremony.
Scene 10: Out to the bonfire to drink and giggle. Boyfriend Steven is there, plus a guy we haven't met yet, maybe Marcel Ruiz, the One Day at a Time guy.
Super-Femme Leo, dressed as a cat, and Plain Girl Lisbeth, dressed as a Greek goddess, arrive late.
Leo sees his crush, Very Religious Gracce, fondling Steve's arm, and gets jealous.
Meanwhile, Blond Girl and her Wife sneak upstairs to giggle, hold hands, and shove fingers into mouths. Fast-forward time. I think they get it on.
Scene 11: Back downstairs, Blond Girl gives Plain Girl Lisbeth some of the drugs they are using.
Inside, everyone is dancing and screaming. Plain Girl Lisbeth calls Blond Girl over. "I think I'm having a heart attack." They go outside for some air. Blond Girl reveals that Lisbeth didn't make the team. She is devastated. Plain Girl is devastated. But surely you could see that your moves were awful.
Steven drags Tyler (Marcel Ruiz) into a room. He screams "I am the Second Coming of Christ, motherf*kers!"
Scene 12: Back to Blond Girl and Plain Girl Lisbeth. They see Very Religious Grace passed out by the fountain, and try to get her inside. She starts convulsing.
Blond Girl: "We can't all anyone, or the whole team will get busted. You wait here. I'll go get a car, and we can drive her to the hospital and drop her off."
A snake crawls out of Plain Girl and into Very Religious Grace.
Blond Girl goes inside and tells Steve that they're out of booze, so she has to borrow his truck to get some more. What's her problem?
They drive. Very Religious Grace convulses, then dies. Blond Girl: "This is on me! I'm gonna go to jail!"
But Lisbeth has a plan: Grace's parents didn't know that she was coming to the party, so they can just drop the body off at her house, and they will think she died there. You're even more amoral than the rest of the lot!
But what about everybody at the party who saw her? She gets a text from Maddie.
Blond Girl answers for her: "Home safe! Grabbed a taxi!"
On the way back, they pass Blond Girl's girlfriend, who think they are Steve because of the truck. This may be important later, when Steve becomes a suspect.
Scene 13: Hot Priest is brushing his teeth and practicing his sermon for tomorrow. It's about Christians being part of the same body, so if one part suffers, they all suffer.
Plain Girl is happy: now she can be on the dance team. Maybe God even planned it this way.
They perform a wacky dance number. Back home, Very Religious Grace wakes up! The end.
Beefcake: Just the Hot Priest in this episode.
Heterosexism: Leo's guilt turns out to be from imagining Very Religious Grace in sexual-religious positions, like hanging naked on a cross.
Gay Characters: Blond Girl and her girlfriend, and probably Lisbeth. Marcel's character hasn't had enough lines to determine if he's gay, but I doubt it.
Paranormal: The snake crawling into Grace, coming back to life, and the scary Halloween road.
This review was a little short on dicks , so here's one of the guys who popped up when I searched for "Cale Ambrosic." I also got a lot of photos of kale, the horrible-tasting vegetable.
My Grade: B
Jackson Kelly: A killer doll, a killer pumpkin, a paranormal trap, nude Hicks, and a year of dicks
An amazingly open gay subtext in "Below": From attempted murder to romance in three hours. Plus some nude Somali dudes. With Josh Cruddas.
Wrecked: Gay guy and his lesbian bff solve a mystery on a cruise ship. With a homicidal duck
No comments:
Post a Comment