Off Campus: Hannah must choose between a hocky star with a nice butt and a bad boy with tats. Plus a gay bestie and fratboy cocks

Apparently the success of Heated Rivalry has started a trend. Producers thought, "Ok, viewers want to see more hockey players," not "viewers want to see more gay romance," so we're getting a lot of hockey player hetero romance.  I'm watching Off Campus (2026), on Amazon Prime, in spite of the annoying commercial breaks, in case there's a  gay character -- or some dicks.

Scene 1:Hockey Star Garrett (Belmont Cameli, left)  puts on his uniform, listens to "Dancing By Myself," and practices, while Hannah does janitorial work, listening to the same song.  

Finished, he takes off his shirt -- the tattoo says Nullum Gratuitum Prandium, "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch," which presumably will become important later.  He langorously showers.  Hannah, wearing headphones, can't hear the shower, and accidentally sees his backside -- and his front, when he turns around.  She hurriedly exits, grinnng.

Belmont states in an interview, "Obviously I'm being sexualized to some extent, but I never felt exploited." 

Scene 2:  90% of viewers tune in to see Cameli's butt (and hopefully cock), so they got it out of the way. Now we can get on to the plot.  At a hoity-toity university, the philosophy professor explains to the class that C means C, so 70% of the students got C+ or lower on their papers.  Hannah's gay bff Dexter (Miles Gutierrez-Riley, the boyfriend on Agatha All Along) complains that it's a jock class, so why should he bother?  Philosophy is a jock class?

Jock Beau (Khobe Maxwell, left, who played a gay guy in Cruel Intentions), looks at his grade and wonders if he can still drop the class.  His bro, Garrett from Scene 1, points out that they need it for their major, but not to worry, the coach will talk to the prof about "creative grading."  

When I was an undergrad, every student had to take a philosophy class.  I took "Modern Philosophy." assuming that it would be, like, modern.  Nope, it was about Kant, Hume, and Berkeley (pronounced Barkeley; that's the only thing I remember from the class).

BFF Dexter gawks at them: "Jocks -- so pretty, so entitled."

"Aren't you above stereotypes?"

"Girl, I'm beneath stereotypes."  He takes another look at  Beau.  "Maybe behind."  This will become important for shipping later.

Hannah got an A, but tells BFF Dexter that her grade was "not good."  Hockey Star Garrett looks over her shoulder and exclaims "You aced it!"  This angers Hannah, for some reason.  You forgot to complain that "He's arrogant!"

Scene 3: On the way out, BFF Dexter points out bad-boy music major Justin Kohl (Josh Heuston), Hannah's crush  Their third friend joins them and asked if Hannah has made a move yet.  "He doesn't know who I am.  Am I supposed to fling myself at him?"  "Yes!!!"

Hockey Star Garrett joins them.  After they criticize him for being rich and goodlooking, he tells Hannah that he's failing the class, and wants her help on the next assignment, n oral presentation.  "Nope." Why not?  Just because he's arrogant?  

"But you owe me for the sneak peek.  Tons of girls would have paid for that view."  What about guys, heteronormative jerk?

Scene 4: Hannah leaves them to bike across the campus of Briar University (actually the University of British Columbia).  She stops at Kaufman Center, where Professor Daveed (Brandon Scott, left), is conducting the student orchestra.  He glares at her for being late.

After class tells her that her scholarship for the year has been cut.  Not because she was late, because the government thinks that the fine arts are useless.

"But this is the third week of the semester!  My only hope of staying in school is to get another scholarship!" 

There aren't any other classical music composition scholarships, but what if she changes her major to performance?  Nope, she's a lousy clarinet player.  

So what about pop music composition?  Lots of scholarships there, given out at the Pop Music Showcase

"I can write pop music.  How hard can it be?"  Famous last words.

Scene 5: The frat house.  The guys, Tucker, Dean, and Logan (Jalen Thomas Brooks, Stephen Kalyn, left, Antonio Cipriano) are bickering as they prepare for the party tonight.  There are shirtless shots and discussions of cooking.  

Hockey Star Garrett comes in later, when the party is already going on.  Tucker is cooking "dippables."  Dean is kissing a girl.  Other party guests are playing video games and...chess?  I thought frat parties were all beer pong and nonconsensual bedroom stuff.  

They criticize Hockey Star Garrett's taste in music -- it's old-fashioned, from the 1990s. So he's a pop music fan.  Maybe he and Hannah can help each other.

Meanwhile, at Malone's, Bad Boy Justin and his band are performing, while Hannah, working the bar, appears to be having an orgasm while watching.  Her friend asks what she's going to compose for the Pop Showcase: "Taylor Swift or Lady Gaga?"

"I'm more Taylor."

"So be Taylor, and go talk to your crush, Bad Boy Justin."  

He's singing "A little less talking, a little more 'touch my body," which is basically what Olivia Newton John sang in "Physical," and Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady.

Never do I ever want to hear another word
There isn't one I haven't heard
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream
Say one more word and I'll scream

"Nope, I'm too scared." 

"Ok, then.  Everybody is going to the Block Party tomorrow.  You can talk to him then."  They have block parties at universities?

More after the break

Eldon Jones: Dancing Atreyu, drawing penguins, learning to snap, bringing gay promise. With nude co-stars and Patrick Swayze's bum

Eldon Jones as Cody,  grandson of focus character Sam Cooper (Alfred Molina,  right) , was the one bright spot in the overwhelming heterosexism of  the Netflix paranormal series The Boroughs.  While enduring the endless "My wife! My wife! My wife", it was a relief to check out the photos his mom posted of Eldon in feminine outfits, hanging with his gay brother, and attending Pride events.  Maybe the kid is gay in real life, maybe not, but he provides a reminder that LGBT people exist, no matter how aggressively they are erased.

Eldon was born in 2011, son of Neal Jones, best known for Dirty Dancing (1987): he plays the "kind-hearted" Billy, who gets his cousin Johnny (Patrick Swayze, left) a job at the Borscht Belt resort, and introduces him to "dirty dancing."   

The family lives in Albuquerque.  Older brother Jax (middle) graduated from the University of New Mexico with a degree in fine arts in May 2026.  Mom often posts photos of him and his boyfriend.  

Eldon is in the front, and sister Marian, also an actor, is in the back of the sibling pile. 

Eldon is remarkably accomplished.

A member of the permanent company of the National Dance Institute of New Mexico.

Studies piano at the New Mexico School of Music.

An artist, interested in penguin comics and watercolors.

A chef, baking bread and making soup for the family.

A fashionista.  He attended the Copenhagen Fashion Week in 2023.

Literary.  When they visited London, he checked out the bookstores (that's the first thing I look for, too).  He was reading Herman Hesse at age 12.

I've read some Hesse (Siddhartha and Steppenwolf), but I never even heard of the book he's reading: Knulp, about a "carefree vagabond who lives outside societal rules." 

And of course Eldon is an actor.

He started as a background player in three 2022 episodes of Walker: Independence, about a woman in the Old West searching for the guy who murdered her husband. Apparently there's a gay character.

Left: I couldn't find the gay guy in the cast list, but I found Jeff Pierre, who played Cameron Monaghan's boyfriend on Shameless.

More after the break

The Top 12 Hunks of "Batwoman." With a guest appearance by Robin the Boy Wonder and his super-bulge

 

We're watching Batwoman (2019-22), because it's about superheroes, so why wouldn't we? 

All of the residents of Gotham City are dour and depressed, but Kate Kane (Ruby Rose) achieves new heights of angst when she discovers that Cousin Bruce was Batman, takes over his Batcave, and starts fighting costumed baddies.

1. Years ago, Kate was expelled from miitary school for doing gay stuff.   Her girlfriend claimed to be straight and got to stay, and is now in a lavender marriage to a guy who doesn't appear in the cast list; Google AI names him as Tyler, played by Greyston Holt. 

 

Left: Greyston's backside.  

Kate and Ex-Girlfriend exchange longing looks, but the betrayal is too great to overcome.

2.  Now Ex-Girlfriend works for the Crows, the private security force that Gotham City uses instead of police, which is coincidentally run by Kate's Dad, Jacob Kane (Dougray Scott).

Years ago, he lost his wife and daughter, Kate's twin sister, when their car plunged off a bridge. He searched for his daughter's body for years, until his new wife faked a DNA sample and convinced him that deer bones belonged to her.  

Left: Dougray's backside

3. Jacob's new wife also happens to be the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company that invents new and better weapons to sell to whatever evil empire wants them.  Her pride and joy is a gun with a "coil accelerator," the only thing that can pierce Batman's body suit and kill him (see, they both hate Batman, and now Batwoman).  Inventor Dean Devereaux (Matthew Graham) is the only person on Earth who knows how it works.

4.-5. So, what happened to Kate's twin sister after her car plunged into that river?  She was grabbed by August Cartwright (John Emmet Tracy), a plastic surgeon experimenting with human-skin face masks for his visually-different son Mouse (Sam Littlefield, left).   He says that he wants Twin Sister to "join the family," but instead he keeps her locked in a basement room for 12 years, with no food and nothing to read but Alice in Wonderland.  

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

"The Borough": A spider-monster, Stepford smiles, and elderly hunks in a desert retirement community. With Begley butt and silver fox cock

 Who can resist an old guy?  A silver fox, 50 or 60 or 70, with the tight toned body that comes from spending every day at the gym, decades of experience in putting his dick in all the right places, and a huge disposable income  ("I'm going to China next week.  Want me to bring you anything?" ) . So I'm looking forward to The Boroughs, a new Netflix series about paranormal shenanigans in a creepy retirement community.  There will probably be an elderly gay couple hanging around, and there will certainly be a lot of elderly beefcake.  

Scene 1: A creepy cul-de-sac of ranch-style houses, surrounded by desert, with a mountain in the background.  We zoom into one, where an elderly lady (Dee Wallace of The Stepford Wives) is eating a tv  dinner and watching Jeopardy.  She facetimes her husband Edward  (Ed Begley Jr.) at the Manor.  He wants to come home, but she won't permit it.  He says "The owls are in the walls."  

Ed Begley Jr. played the physics professor mentor on Young Sheldon, starring gay actor Iain Armitage. 

She falls asleep watching The Golden Girls.  Suddenly the tv turns itself off, and scary tentacles creep down the walls. A monster attacks!  And I thought Edward at the Manor was facing paranormal.

Scene 2: A lady and her husband Neill (Rafael Casal) drive through the badlands.  In the back seat, we see her elderly dad, teenage daughter, and early teen son Cody.

Left: Eldon Jones (Cody) at Albuquerque Pride. Notice the rainbow flag and beads.  As you read the rest of the review, return to this photo as often as you need to.  While writing, I returned to it a lot.

 They arrive at a guard house in the middle of the desert, with nothing around, and tell the guard that grandpa, Sam Cooper, is moving in today.

"Welcome to the Boroughs,, where you'll have the time of your life."

Grandpa (flatly): "Ironic slogan for a place people come to die."

They cross the town square, full of grinning oldsters, and on to the isolated cul-de-sac.  Movers are already putting his furniture in, plus whatever was left behind by the last resident -- the lady who was eaten.  Her husband is still in an assisted care facility.

Their AI assistant, Seraphim, asks "What can I do to make your day more enjoyable?"  Grandpa isn't having it; he pulls the darn device out of the wall.  Back Story: His wife wanted to move to the Boroughs, but she recently died, and he doesn't want to be in a square coffin by himself. 

Daughter suggests that if he really hates it there, he could come live with them.  No, their place is too small.  Besides, he sunk all of his money into this retirement community, and signed a contract.  He's stuck.

Grandpa is played by Alfred Molina, seen here as the murdered boyfriend of playrwright Joe Orton in Prick Up Your Ears (1987). 

Scene 3: As Grandpa unpacks, he sees a commercial featuring the CEO of the community.  Maybe if he asks nicely -- or angrily -- the guy in charge could release him from his contract and return some of his money.

Next door neighbor Jack drops by with a "welcome wagon" six-pack of beer. He starts spewing about his golf game, sleep apnea, "touch of the gout," and difficulty  maintaining his goal of sexing ladies every night. Girls, girls, girls! Heterosexual identity established at Minute 13.  Finally he invites Grandpa to a neighborhood barbecue.  "No thanks, I hate barbecues.  And people.  And...well, just about everything."

Left: Jack is played by Bill Pullman, known for his underwear scene (and testicle torture) in The Serpent and the Rainbow

Scene 4: Grandpa awakens in bed with his wife (Jane Kaczmarek).  I thought she was dead?  They hug, kiss, close-up hold hands (so you can see their wedding rings), and discuss their plans for the day (gender polarized shopping/working on the car).   It goes on and on, and becomes more and more soppy-maudlin.  Is this a dream, or is an evil succubus trying to control him?

Jane Kaczmarek played the Mom on "Malcolm in the Middle" and the 2026 sequel "Life's Still Unfair," which has gay and nonbinary characters.

It was a dream: Grandpa awakens to revving - the Girl Next Door (Geena Davis) trying to get her car started. 

The Geena Davis Institute on Gender in the Media sponsors research on female and LGBTQ representation.

  There's also an old guy doing tai chi, which disgusts Grandpa.  You basically hate everyone, don't you?  Oh, wait, you already told us that.

Scene 5: Tai Chi Guy (Clarke Peters) goes into the house, where his wife (Alfre Woodard)  has intel on the new guy.    So, is she in charge of the nefarious plot?  No, she's just a retired reporter, passing the time with social media stalking.   I'd better get some nefarious plot soon, or I'm leaving.  

Grandpa goes to the company headquarters, a huge building with a giant atrium.  Apparently this community is much more extensive than the isolated cul-de-sac we've seen so far.  The receptionist tells him that the CEO is out today.  

Suddenly he flashes back, or has a new memory, of yelling at his wife for picking up the wrong kind of onions.  She calms him down, they dance, things get sickening, with lots of smooching and fast-forwarding  -- and suddenly he's back at headquarters.  He wonders if he's going crazy.

Scene 6: Two security guards, Hank and Paz (Eric Edelstein, Carlos Miranda), are sent to the Community Center, where the Girl Next Door is teaching an art class.  She complains that a bag of rose quartz has been stolen, but they don't want to report it.  Head Guard Hank warns that if she insists, they'll claim that she's losing her memory, and should be sent to the dreaded Manor.  

Scene 7: That night, Grandpa falls asleep on the couch watching an old movie.  In the morning, he's awakened by the revving of the Girl Next Door's car.  He fixes it for her, but won't say "You're welcome" in exchange for her "Thank you."  So she yells at him.

Back in the house, he finds Edward, from Scene 1 (the one whose wife was eaten).  He yells that the owl is in the wall, blames Grandpa for taking away his wife, and attacks.  After subduing him, Grandpa wants to call the police, but the security guards explain that this is unconsolidated territory, with just a sheriff, so for most things they depend on security.  And the CEO wants to talk to him.

More after the break