"The Borough": A spider-monster, Stepford smiles, and elderly hunks in a desert retirement community. With Begley butt and silver fox cock

 Who can resist an old guy?  A silver fox, 50 or 60 or 70, with the tight toned body that comes from spending every day at the gym, decades of experience in putting his dick in all the right places, and a huge disposable income  ("I'm going to China next week.  Want me to bring you anything?" ) . So I'm looking forward to The Boroughs, a new Netflix series about paranormal shenanigans in a creepy retirement community.  There will probably be an elderly gay couple hanging around, and there will certainly be a lot of elderly beefcake.  

Scene 1: A creepy cul-de-sac of ranch-style houses, surrounded by desert, with a mountain in the background.  We zoom into one, where an elderly lady (Dee Wallace of The Stepford Wives) is eating a tv  dinner and watching Jeopardy.  She facetimes her husband Edward  (Ed Begley Jr.) at the Manor.  He wants to come home, but she won't permit it.  He says "The owls are in the walls."  

Ed Begley Jr. played the physics professor mentor on Young Sheldon, starring gay actor Iain Armitage. 

She falls asleep watching The Golden Girls.  Suddenly the tv turns itself off, and scary tentacles creep down the walls. A monster attacks!  And I thought Edward at the Manor was facing paranormal.

Scene 2: A lady and her husband Neill (Rafael Casal) drive through the badlands.  In the back seat, we see her elderly dad, teenage daughter, and early teen son Cody.

Left: Eldon Jones (Cody) at Albuquerque Pride. Notice the rainbow flag and beads.  As you read the rest of the review, return to this photo as often as you need to.  While writing, I returned to it a lot.

 They arrive at a guard house in the middle of the desert, with nothing around, and tell the guard that grandpa, Sam Cooper, is moving in today.

"Welcome to the Boroughs,, where you'll have the time of your life."

Grandpa (flatly): "Ironic slogan for a place people come to die."

They cross the town square, full of grinning oldsters, and on to the isolated cul-de-sac.  Movers are already putting his furniture in, plus whatever was left behind by the last resident -- the lady who was eaten.  Her husband is still in an assisted care facility.

Their AI assistant, Seraphim, asks "What can I do to make your day more enjoyable?"  Grandpa isn't having it; he pulls the darn device out of the wall.  Back Story: His wife wanted to move to the Boroughs, but she recently died, and he doesn't want to be in a square coffin by himself. 

Daughter suggests that if he really hates it there, he could come live with them.  No, their place is too small.  Besides, he sunk all of his money into this retirement community, and signed a contract.  He's stuck.

Grandpa is played by Alfred Molina, seen here as the murdered boyfriend of playrwright Joe Orton in Prick Up Your Ears (1987). 

Scene 3: As Grandpa unpacks, he sees a commercial featuring the CEO of the community.  Maybe if he asks nicely -- or angrily -- the guy in charge could release him from his contract and return some of his money.

Next door neighbor Jack drops by with a "welcome wagon" six-pack of beer. He starts spewing about his golf game, sleep apnea, "touch of the gout," and difficulty  maintaining his goal of sexing ladies every night. Girls, girls, girls! Heterosexual identity established at Minute 13.  Finally he invites Grandpa to a neighborhood barbecue.  "No thanks, I hate barbecues.  And people.  And...well, just about everything."

Left: Jack is played by Bill Pullman, known for his underwear scene (and testicle torture) in The Serpent and the Rainbow

Scene 4: Grandpa awakens in bed with his wife (Jane Kaczmarek).  I thought she was dead?  They hug, kiss, close-up hold hands (so you can see their wedding rings), and discuss their plans for the day (gender polarized shopping/working on the car).   It goes on and on, and becomes more and more soppy-maudlin.  Is this a dream, or is an evil succubus trying to control him?

Jane Kaczmarek played the Mom on "Malcolm in the Middle" and the 2026 sequel "Life's Still Unfair," which has gay and nonbinary characters.

It was a dream: Grandpa awakens to revving - the Girl Next Door (Geena Davis) trying to get her car started. 

The Geena Davis Institute on Gender in the Media sponsors research on female and LGBTQ representation.

  There's also an old guy doing tai chi, which disgusts Grandpa.  You basically hate everyone, don't you?  Oh, wait, you already told us that.

Scene 5: Tai Chi Guy (Clarke Peters) goes into the house, where his wife (Alfre Woodard)  has intel on the new guy.    So, is she in charge of the nefarious plot?  No, she's just a retired reporter, passing the time with social media stalking.   I'd better get some nefarious plot soon, or I'm leaving.  

Grandpa goes to the company headquarters, a huge building with a giant atrium.  Apparently this community is much more extensive than the isolated cul-de-sac we've seen so far.  The receptionist tells him that the CEO is out today.  

Suddenly he flashes back, or has a new memory, of yelling at his wife for picking up the wrong kind of onions.  She calms him down, they dance, things get sickening, with lots of smooching and fast-forwarding  -- and suddenly he's back at headquarters.  He wonders if he's going crazy.

Scene 6: Two security guards, Hank and Paz (Eric Edelstein, Carlos Miranda), are sent to the Community Center, where the Girl Next Door is teaching an art class.  She complains that a bag of rose quartz has been stolen, but they don't want to report it.  Head Guard Hank warns that if she insists, they'll claim that she's losing her memory, and should be sent to the dreaded Manor.  

Scene 7: That night, Grandpa falls asleep on the couch watching an old movie.  In the morning, he's awakened by the revving of the Girl Next Door's car.  He fixes it for her, but won't say "You're welcome" in exchange for her "Thank you."  So she yells at him.

Back in the house, he finds Edward, from Scene 1 (the one whose wife was eaten).  He yells that the owl is in the wall, blames Grandpa for taking away his wife, and attacks.  After subduing him, Grandpa wants to call the police, but the security guards explain that this is unconsolidated territory, with just a sheriff, so for most things they depend on security.  And the CEO wants to talk to him.

More after the break

18 gay and gay-friendly teen actors: a fierce, fabulous Barbie boy, Pugsley Addams, Harvey Milkl, a Russian bodybuilder with a cat,....

I usually profile teen idols after they've graduated to adult hunkiness, but sometimes I can't wait: they're playing gay characters, going to Pride events, wearring  femme/fabulous outfits, or hugging their boyfriends while still teenagers.  Their openness to gay potential gives me hope for a less homophobic future.  I won't look for or post n*de photos, of course, but I usually include some adult co-stars to keep things interesting.

1. Taylor Gregory: At 17, the fierce, fabulous Barbie boy had grown up to become a bodybuilder and fundamentalist. 

2. Alfie Williams (left), star of 28 Years Later and 28 Years Later: Bone Temple, is 15 as of this writing, but hangs out with a surprising number of gay guys, who call him "one of the girls"

3. Gavin Munn, Abraham on The Righteous Gemstones, is gay in my fan fiction, but brought a girl to his real-life junior prom.

4. Isaac Ordonez (not pictured). The sweet, sensitive, queer-coded Pugsley Addams on Wednesday dates dudes.

5. Alkaio Thiele. The wizard in training on Beyond Waverly Place and Kayden Koshelev (below) used to be an item.

6. Kayden Koshelev (left). Drag boy and nonbinary firetruck, Alkaio's Other Half before their breakup. Not to worry, he's moved on.

7. Recker Eans. The gaydar boy on Beyond Waverly Place drums in gay-friendly videos and sings in a boy band with gay-friendly songs.

8. Bentley Storteboom (not pictured). His name and physique had me fooled.  I thought he was 25, and Dutch.

9. Benjamin Pajak (right) played six gay characters before age 15, and sang as Harvey Milk.

More after the break

Life is Still Unfair: "Malcolm in the Middle" returns, with a super-jerky Malcolm, a nude Hal, and a nonbinary sibling. Plus Francis and Alex dicks .

Malcolm in the Middle (2000-2006) starred Frankie Muniz as Malcolm, the genius son in a struggling, working-class family with four boys.  I watched mainly because it was inserted into the must-see Sunday night lineup on Fox: Futurama, King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, Family Guy, American Dad. 

 I don't remember many of Malcolm's plotlines, but I liked the delinquent older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) in military school amid hunky gay-subtext dormmates, then moving to Alaska with his...um...best buddy.

Left: Christopher, artistic interpretation.

And middle brother Reese (Justin Berfield), who had so many queer codes that I expected a coming-out episode -- until the spineless writers lost their nerve and gave him a girlfriend. 

20 years have passed, and three of the four brothers (plus their parents, buddies, marital partners, and kids) are back in a four-part miniseries on Hulu.

Scene 1: Suited 40-year old Malcolm tells a reporter that his company does tech stuff to hook up grocery store chains with food banks, so their unsold merchandise goes to people who need it.  Then, addressing the audience, he brags that he is rich, successful, and infinitely happy. And he did it all by cutting off his family. 

I'm not happy about the "Looking at me, I'm so much better than you!"  And your family was not abusive. Cutting them off is cold.

Scene 2: At the house, Mom Lois is shaving Dad Hal's back hair, while he stands naked in front of a laptop, face timing with youngest son Dewey. We're supposed to find this disgusting, but Hal has a perfectly presentable physique for a 70 year old (butt after the break).

Dewey (now played by Caleb Ellsworth-Clark) is performing before King Carl Gustaf of Sweden.  And he brags about his numerous girlfriends. Was the original series this annoyingly heterosexist?

Did you remember that Hal and Lois had a fifth child in a late-series "Why not have a wacky birth?" plot arc?   I didn't, but, but here they are: the young adult Kelly (Vaughan Murrae), who is nonbinary.  

Hal makes a big show of not understanding their pronouns: "We're going shopping.  Does them want to come?"   But Kelly fights back: "Him can't come with we. Us have homework."

In other news, Lois and Hal's big anniversary party is coming up.

Scene 3: On the way home, Malcolm continues to brag about how cutting off his family changed his life: "I don't act like a sociopath.  I'm less angry, more mature. But whenever I'm around them, I revert."  Montage of Malcolm yelling at a family dinner, at a funeral, when his brother criticizes him for bragging about his car.  Now he lives far away, and avoids holiday visits, but a stream of phone calls and emails makes them think that he still cares.

Cut to Hal and Lois at a big box store, looking for a ruby garland.   Craig (David Anthony Higgins), who used to be Lois's boss with a crush on her, pops up to explain why he's no longer working at the drug store.

Suddenly Hal and his old musical group perform an a capella love song -- right in the aisle!    Well, not a love song, precisely: "Your sex takes me to paradise..."

 I remember that group vaguely -- he's the only white member, but he feels left out because the other guys are more successful.  Didn't they also prank Lois's racist mother?

Left: Musical group member Alex Morris, probably.

Lois is embarrassed by the "romantic gesture."  Could they do something likes, for a change?  

Scene 4:  Back to Malcolm.  He introduces his daughter Leah, "a trophy I won for attending my first kegger in college Her mother left three days after giving birth.  I'm a single father, but I'm good at it!"

Cut to Leah crying in her room.  She addresses the camera, explaining that she doesn't cry all the time. She usually does depressed apathy or rage.

Malcolm wants to know what's wrong: she's isolated at school, with no friends, and Mean Girls prank her. 

"Don't worry, it will get better once you go away to college and cut me off."

Mom Lois calls, insisting that they come to the anniversary party. This is her third text, so Malcolm has to strategize, explaining why he didn't answer the others in a way that makes it look like he cares.

More after the break