Comic Books and Cocks at the Furniture Store. With bonus Desi guys

 When I was a kid, we drove to northeastern Indiana to visit my parents' relatives at least twice a year.  I loved it: haunted houses, hidden rooms, long-ago ghosts, endless fields and country roads, magic, glamour, the rough cold beauty of my uncles going hunting, the sleek shivering beauty of my cousins in the swimming pool, the delight of cuddling against Cousin Buster as we fell asleep in his narrow bed in the Trailer in the Dark Woods.  A sense of almost mystical belonging.

But as I grew, the sense of belonging faded away.  I began to find the visits boring or uncomfortable,  the world of northeastern Indiana more and more alien.

It wasn't just that I couldn't go home again.  What really hurt was, I didn't want to go back.

All tied up with that world was Harvey Comics  -- the ghosts, witches, devils, and other paranormal beings in the bucolic Arcadia of the Enchanted Forest.

You couldn't get them in Rock Island.  I had only the few that my Indiana relatives gave me, and memories of reading as many as possible in Cousin Buster's room while spending the night.

It never occurred to me for an instant that the stories were supposed to be funny.  I found them deadly serious.  Casper, Spooky, Wendy, and Hot Stuff fight space aliens, mad scientists, evil wizards, save their friends or the whole world countless times.

But really, the stories were irrelevant: it was the comics themselves, the physical books that I could hold in my hands and remember what Indiana used to mean.

One day when I was about ten years old, I asked Cousin Buster where he got his collection of Harvey Comics.  Were there stores with huge racks of them on open display?

"I get them at the Walgreens."

"We have Schneider's Drug Store in Rock Island, but all it has are Gold Key and superheroes.  Anyplace else?"

"Whenever I go to a movie, I check the comic books at Manuel's Newsstand next door."  

"No newsstands in Rock Island.  Where else?"

He thought for a moment, and then said "The furniture store."

"Furniture? Like davenports and dining room tables and junk?" 

"They have comic books, too."

It didn't seem logical, but Cousin Buster was two years older than me, and not a Nazarene, so he knew about all sorts of "worldly" things that I was kept from.  

"When I was a little kid, I didn't know that you could actually buy furniture," I told him.  "I thought it came with the house.  How could a store be big enough to display it?  What car could big enough to carry it home?"

"It comes in a big truck."

I started to fume.  Of course I knew that now.  Did he think I was a baby?

"And the guys who unload it -- they take their shirts off," he said in a low conspiratorial voice.

I was shocked.  Where did Cousin Buster get the idea that I liked looking at guys with their shirts off?  Only my boyfriend Bill knew about that.  It was shameful, a sissy thing, just for girls.    

I had to deflect, restore my masculinity.   Maybe with wieners?  Everybody liked looking at them.  Cousin Buster and I once climbed up into the loft in the barn to peek down at my uncle as he "cleaned his gun." 

"Do they take their pants off," I asked, "So you can see their wieners?"

He shrugged.  "Sometimes, if they're big enough."

So I could get Harvey comic books and see some wieners at the same time?

But how to convince Mom and Dad to take me to a furniture store? I couldn't say that I wanted to buy comic books there.  Or see naked men.

I had to talk them into buying a piece of furniture.

A new bed!

"I'm getting too big to sleep in the same bed with Kenny," I told them.  "I have a later bedtime, so every time I go to bed, I wake him up.  And he kicks!"

"Maybe you're right," Mom said.  "Boys your age shouldn't sleep together.  We'll go pick out two twin beds for you on Saturday."

Uh-oh.  Mom and Dad never took us shopping, except to buy new school clothes every August.  They left us with the neighbors, or one went shopping and the other stayed home.  But I had to actually go to the furniture store to get my comics and see the naked men!

"No!  We want to pick them out!  Me and Kenny.  To see..um....if they're cool enough."



I spent the week imagining the furniture store, with its racks of Harvey Comics, Casper, Spooky, Hot Stuff, Ghostland, Devil Kids, Witch World, an endless array of intriguing, brightly-colored covers and evocative stories.

I didn't spend any of my 25 cent allowance all week, and there'd be another 25 cents on Saturday morning.  Plus I found a dime on the floor, and I borrowed 50 cents from Bill for a total of $1.10.  I'd be broke for nearly a month, but I could buy 9 comic books!

On Saturday after breakfast we drove to a place called Carson Piri Scott, in Moline.  I remembered their ads on tv.  It was huge warehouse like structure with entire living rooms set up, like a hundred houses all crammed together.

"The beds are on the second floor," Mom said, steering us toward the escalator.

"Wait -- um...." Where were the comic books? The huge display case must be against an outer wall.  "Um....I have to go to the bathroom."

"Ok.  Do you want Dad to take you?"

"No, I see where it is.  I'll be up in a minute."

More after the break

"Sunny Nights": Will Forte sells tanning spray. With a lesbian sister, some gay gangsters, a lot of Aussie butts, and Vincent Rodriguez III in his underwear

I'm running low on tv series to review, so I went to Hulu and clicked on the first fictional series that popped up: Sunny Nights.  Wait -- how can nights be sunny?  We'll find out.

Scene 1: Dawn in a horrible industrial area in Australia (I know because the logo says Screen Australia). A woman watering her lawn, two joggers.  An crocodile crosses a golf course and suddenly gets exploded into a bloody mess. 

Cut to a shirtless man (Will Forte) being rubbed by a woman wearing gloves, and telling the gathered men in suits that he works out; he just likes to rest between sets (no more than one minute, buddy).  His product can be used by anyone, anywhere, regardless of age, gender, or natural beauty: tanning goop!

One of the potential investors is about to make an offer, when the hotel manager rushes up: he's using a hotel for his demonstration without getting permission, and he and his assistant Vickie are not guests. 

They are forced out, and the potential investors reject them. 

Hey, they're not romantic partners, they're siblings.  That means the brother could be gay.  Plus sister Vickie is played by D'Arcy Carden, the bisexual actor from The Good Place.

Scene 2: Brother actually booked them into a horribly run-down, pink-brick hotel with outside doors: Sunny Nights.  As they squeak in, a ruffian knocks on a door above them.  No one answer, so he bursts in and beats on the male occupant.  

Now it's a house, not a hotel room, with a woman saying "Hello, Gorgeous" to a tanning booth.  Or are you the sister?  Why is your hotel room a huge apartment with many personalized decorations?

Back to the hotel room.  I'm getting whiplash from these split-second cuts.  The occupant (maybe Harry Greenwood of Charmed) recognizes the Ruffian from a sport: he had to drop out because he got his head injured.  Ths does not ingratiate the ruffian, who knocks him out -- but at least gives him a pillow

The Ruffian is played by Willie Mason, a former  soccer player for the Sydney Roosters with a long list of troubles, including assaulting another player, failed businesses, drunk driving, and urinating in public, though he didn't mind the widely-publicized crotch grab by a rival player.   This is his first acting role.

Down in the siblings' room, they discuss their back story. The brother's girlfriend or wife broke up with him, so he's come to Australia in a grand scheme to win her back.  Grrr...hetero identity established at Minute 6.  He calls and tells her that he happens to be in the country on business, so could they get together?

Scene 3: Meanwhile, the sister Vickie goes to the beauty convention, and tells her entire life story to the clerk.  It includes a "gorgeous but mean hula-hooper," so maybe she's a lesbian.  She doesn't like her booth -- too small, and right by the bathroom. So she spends all of their money for a bigger one.

Cut to dinner with the Brother and his ex.  She is suspicious: "So you quit your job, started a tanning company, and came to Australia to sell it -- as a purely business decision? Not to try to win me back?"

"Well, it may have crossed my mind as a side benefit of becoming wildly successful."  She explains why she left him (doesn't he already know?): the usual vague reason wives give when they are broken up just so they can get back together again.  

Scene 4: At the bar at the Beauty Convention, Brother wails that the attempt to win her back didn't work. That was your grant scheme?  Just dinner?  

Sister Vickie tells him to man up and start networking.   She acquires an A$750 bottle of wine and heads off to pretend that they're successful.  Susi, a tarted up woman at the bar, is impressed, and starts flirting with Brother.  She guesses right off that he's in tanning, because she goes to a lot of beauty conventions (then why is your makeup so hideous?).  

Brother gives his back story again (omitting the grand scheme to win back the ex)  Susi invites him to the wine bar down the street, but he refuses: big presentation tomorrow.  This devastates her: "Oh, God, I came on too strong!  I always do this!"  So Brother agrees.  Sneaky move, lady!  

Meanwhile, Sister Vickie is sharing her expensive bottle of wine with a tableful of attractive ladies.  You trying to get customers or get laid?

Scene 5: The wine bar interspliced with energetic bedroom activity, and the next morning, waking up in her fancy hotel room.  During pillow talk, he gets a text from the ex: she wants to try that reconciliation thing, tonight.  Uh-oh, torn between two girlfriends!

At breakfast, Susi admits that she filmed their sexual encounter, so now Brother has to do what "he" says: the sleazy-looking Kash (Miritana Hughes), who wants A$10,000, or the video goes on the internet.  But the activity is legal.  Brother wasn't cheating.  Why should he care?  

He cares because if his ex-wife sees the video, she won't want to get back together.  Why not?  Did she expect him to not see anyone else for the rest of his life?

After they leave, Sister Vickie comes in to announce that she found a model for the presentation.  She wants to show him the nude photos she took.  Wrong time, girl.

Scene 6: Family Fun Time, a deserted amusement park. Sleazy Kash is holding down a new guy while his goons play miniature golf at his mouth.  They miss, so Kash pulls out a tooth. The Ruffian appears and announces that he couldn't get the money from the Hotel Room Guy earlier, so he punched him and gave him two extra days.  Kash doesn't like this, and hits him in the head. He blacks out.

Left: Aaron Glenane, who plays goon Blondy.

Scene 7: Brother and Sister Vickie in a bar.  The Model, wearing a bikini, approaches to show Vickie her stuff.  Brother is not impressed: she already has a tan, so how can they demonstrate a tanning product on her?   Nope, she's hot, and Vickie wants her...um...as an employee.  "She can model a darker shade."

Meanwhile, the Ruffian is examined by a mob physician.  Headaches, vision problems, mood swings, erectile dysfunction...before he can diagnose, Ruffian says "Just give me my pills."  

More after the break

Pablo Castelblanco: The OCD guy from "Happy's Place" bulges, beefcakes, plays gay, but closets his Insta. With Hung Howey and Pablo penis

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Gemstones Episode 4.7: Pontius and Kelvin have their nards threatened, Teenjus meets the Devil, and Jordanians show their junk

 

Title: "For jealousy is the rage of a man," Proverbs 6:34, KJV.  

The full verse, NIV: "For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge."  Husband? I think we're going for Cobb as the Big Bad.

Left and below: Michael Sayfou, who plays Ash, Pontius' friend (and Abraham's boyfriend in my fan fiction)

The plotlines in this episode are not thematically linked, so I'll separate them by character.

Cobb's Story:  

We open with the gaping mouth of an alligator!  Various hooks, tools, skins, and Lori's ex-husband Cobb practicing boxing on a mannequin labeled "Feel the Pain."  

Lori drives up and yells "Nope!  We're not doing this again!"  She yells at him for trying to scare off every man she gets involved with.  She's probably referring to the brick through the her window and the car set on fire, but you never know.

He tries flirting with her - "You can't stay away.  Must be my animal magnetism."  But she says next time she's calling the cops. Next time?  I'd be calling the moment it happened.

Later, Cobb puts on a show at the Gator Farm. He rings a bell to signal "dinner time" to his favorite gator, the huge, ornery Big Gus.  "Gators are territorial.  Invade their territory, they'll bite you."  Uh-oh, Eli is in the audience!  The connection to Eli and Lori is too easy.  It must be a misdirection.

Cut to Cobb bagging up a toy alligator in the gift shop.  Shouldn't he have someone working during the show?   Eli approaches and explains that Lori is with him now, so "no more trouble." 

Cobb lays into him, noting that Lori has been with a lot of men since the divorce, and she was doing "sick, nasty stuff" up in Pigeon Forge.  He hands Eli a newspaper ad for her escort service: "Adult companionship -- wealthy men.  Call, click, connect.  First half hour free."

Ok, this has to be fake.  Prostitution is illegal in the U.S., so she couldn't advertise openly.  Escorts usually work from a standard client list.  You would neveer specify "wealthy men."  And what does "first half hour free" mean?  You charge by the act, not by the hour.

Cut to lunch. Eli asks Lori about the escort business ad. She claims that it's fake: "Cobb made up those ads to try to smear me."  There's not much call for 65-year old hookers in Pigeon Forge.

Eli also ran a credit check.  "You're broke.  You declared bankruptcy last year."

This makes Lori angry.  Accusing her of being a "whore," and then of being a gold-digger!  "Aimee-Leigh used to tell me how much you care about money.  I thought she was exaggerating."  She throws some money on the table to pay for her lunch and walks out. 

Kelvin's Story

Keefe arrives at Kelvin's treehouse, but the rope ladders and platforms have been pulled up, so he can't get in. 

Kelvin: "This is what cowards do.  They hide in their forts."  In what way was the round table debacle cowardice?  

Keefe points out that everyone at Prism is worried about him, but Kelvin doesn't believe it: "They're not concerned.  They just realized that I am a failure."

Tonight is the final event in the Top Christ Following Man promotion: the Night of Testimonies. "Nope, not going.  Now go away."

Cut to Keefe morosely turning off the lights at the Prism Prayer Room and puting a sign up: "No Prism today.  Maybe tomorrow or maybe another day or something."

The Monkey's Story

In the kitchen, the Monkey feeds BJ pretzels, gets him some water, and kisses him on the lips -- five or six times, yuck! -- while Judy fumes.   

Later, she is in her bathroom, primping in front of the mirror, when the Monkey starts flinging its treats at her.  Then it jumps onto her vanity and throws her makeup onto the floor.  She rushes out into the dining room to tell BJ what's happening -- he's cleaning the Monkey's butt.  Gross!  

BJ says that it's not a competition.  He loves both Judy and the Monkey.

Then he brings up Kelvin's round-table debacle: "Poor guy.  Vance Simkins is a self-righteous bigot and a homophobe."  Judy is angry with Kelvin due to his insults earlier, so she refuses the Monkey's suggestion that she visit and talk to him.

Vance's Story 

At the Cape and Pistol Society, Vance gloats: "Getting rid of Kelvin gives me a clear path to victory (in the Top Christian Man Contest).  He was the only real competition."  Plus, he enjoys hurting Kelvin, because it hurts Jesse. 

But Jesse counters that he hates Kelvin due to his insults from earlier, so "it doesn't hurt me at all.  It strengthens me."

Vance continues, evoking the Night of Testimonies: "I'm going to ruthlessly dismantle Kelvin -- if he has the nards to show."   He takes a meatball from Jesse's plate and, pretending that it is a testicle, eats it.  "Tasty."

Left: Kelvin's nards.

Gideon's Story: 

At the back entrance to the Salvation Center, Pontius and his friends, including Ash (Michael Sayfou) and Edge (Alexander Matoussian), are skateboarding and getting high on air duster spray. 

 

Jesse, Amber, and the kids arrive.  Jesse yells at him for disrespecting a sacred place, and Gideon agrees.  

Pontius: "What happened to you, man?  You used to be cool.  Now you're just like them -- a sellout.  Look how they cut your balls off."  

Jesse threatens to cut off Pontius' balls and shove them in his friends' mouths.  I'm sure they have been in his friends' mouths already.

He and his friends walk away jeering.  Jesse: "I hate Pontius so much!"

Cut to another of Gideon's inept Prayer Time Powerpoint presentations to an audience of a few oldsters. The powerpoint is on "The Lord's Divine Power."   It looks like he proved that God exists and is eternal, and that Jesus made an expiatory sacrifice -- all in 40 minutes?  And the takeaway from all that complicated theology: "Love one another." 

He concludes: "You can stay or you can go, but it's over."  Agreed.

Afterwards Amber praises the clarity of his speaking voice, but Jesse found the sermon boring.  Too much crammed in.  Make it simple.

Next Amber asks about his feud with Pontius.  "I don't know.  I tried being nice to him for a long time, but now I sort of keep my distance."  Try "love one another"?

"You need to work it out."

'But he says the most awful things to me."

"That's the problem with siblings,"  Jesse says.  "They know your weaknesses, and can fuck you right in the asshole with them."  It wouldn't be the first thing that's been in Gideon's asshole.  Seriously, why has this guy never expressed any interest in men or women since Season 1?  

Amber suggests that Jesse reconcile with his brother Kelvin, to be a role model for Gideon and Pontius. 

Cut to the freeway underpass where Pontius and his friends are skating to the song "Suck  my dick.  Suck my motherf*king dick."  Sure, no problem.  Who wants to go first?

Gideon appears in a suit and asks them to church.  But you lead Prayer time, not the church service.

 "Go back to Sunday school and start sucking Daddy's dick some more."  Sure, no problem.  Tell Jesse I'm free around 10:00.

But he takes a skateboard, steals a dude's sunglasses, and does some harsh shredding, proving himself an badass.  Pontius and the guys are shocked, and hug him.  Dudes, don't you remember the blackmail schme with Scotty?  The Cycle Ninjas?  Smashing the militia compound?  Gideon has always been a badass.

This is why Gideon was terrible at preaching: he was trying to be a "good Christian boy."  In every season, he is torn between Charleston and California, the life his family wants for him and the life he wants for himself.  I can relate, having grown up with a constant litany of "job, house, wife, kids."   Like Kelvin, he has now found a way to meet family expectations while being true to himself.

Jordanian dicks after the break