"Long Story Short": Dysfunctional Jewish family with some LGBTQ representation and subtexts. Bonus: nude Jewish dudes

 

My partner in West Hollywood (not shown) was Jewish, so I attended Shabbat services at the gay synagogue, celebrated most of the holidays, learned Hebrew prayers and a lot of Yiddish words, and endured the criticism of his family and friends: "why couldn't he settle down with a nice Jewish boy"?  So I am interested in Long Story Short (2025) on  Netflix, an animated sitcom about a dysfunctional Jewish family, with the gimmick that it jumps around the timeline, from the 1990s to the 2020s. It just dropped today, and I'm already five episodes in.

 Showrunner Raphael Bob-Waksberg created Bojack Horseman, which had an asexual character, so there is some gay representation.  Plus it stars Ben Feldman, whom I have a crush on (he's like Scott Baio without the homophobia).  I'll review the first episode.

Scene 1: 1996.  The family is on the way home from grandma's funeral.  The eldest son, quiet, sensitive Avi (Ben Feldman, left) notes that she's in heaven now, but Dad (Paul Reiser of Mad About You) tells him that Jews don't believe in an afterlife.  She's gone for good.  I'm betting on Avi being gay.

The other kids are a squabbling brother and sister, Yoshi and Shira.

Scene 2: 2004.  The adult Avi, now chubby and unshaven, is flying home with his non-Jewish girlfriend, so he can introduce her to the family.  Heterosexual identity established at Minute 2.54.  That leaves Yoshi and Shira.  

Scene 3: The family meets them at the airport.  Mom begins criticizing the Girlfriend immediately, for visiting on the important weekend of Yoshi's Bar Mitzvah, for dressing improperly, and for having too much luggage.

Why is Yoshi just standing there open-mouthed?  Does he have a developmental disability?  And you have your Bar Mitzvah at age 13.  Dude looks around 30.

Left: Yoshi is voiced by Max Greenfield of The Neighborhood.

Scene 4: At home, the criticism continues.  The Girlfriend stupidly brought them an empty vase, so Mom has to waste precious time on the busiest weekend of the year looking for something to put in it (Dad agrees that an empty vase is a horrible gift).

Girlfriend tries to make amends by helping with the dishes, but she stupidly uses a meat sponge on a dairy plate, thus ruining their cherished heirloom dish set forever.

Later, in their room, Girlfriend complains that the family doesn't like her, but Boyfriend Avi assures her that they are critical because they like her.  If they didn't like her, things would get much, much worse.

In other news, Daughter Shira and her best friend Baby are having a fight: they're in the "I hate her and wish she was dead" stage.  So why is she invited to the Bar Mitzvah?  

Because Mom and Dad are friends with her parents: "You don't need to speak to her. There will be 100 people there, even the Girlfriend who didn't bother to learn anything about Judaism and will make stupid mistakes and ruin everything." She criticizes because she likes you.

Scene 5: As Mom tries to fix the worst nightmare a mother has ever faced -- place settings that will push people who hate each other together -- Boyfriend Avi tries to convince her that his girlfriend is named Jen, not Jennifer.  Mom thinks that "Jen" too hard to remember, and why would she stupidly choose a name that no one on Earth could ever get right?  "But I'll try my best to change everything about me, your mother, to please this girl that you've known for twenty seconds."

Party guests begin to arrive.  Daughter Shira complains about Great-Uncle Arnie's complaining, but Boyfriend Avie tells her, "Is not a schmuck entitled to a schmooze at his grand-nephew's simcha?"  I'll bet that isn't from the Talmud

Mom complains that her son Yoshi has grown up too fast, and tries to quote that song from Fiddler on the Roof, but can't recall the lyrics, and yells at her husband for trying to help.

Scene 6: Cut to the party after the Bar Mitzvah.  People are yelling at each other; Daughter Shira complains that the food is inedible.  Girlfriend praises Yoshi's speech: "How is a 13-year old so knowledgeable about the Holocaust?"  I guess he doesn't have a developmental disability, so what was the open-mouthed stare about? 

Uh-oh, the parents of Baby, whom Daughter Shira hates, approach to claim Baby couldn't make it because she had to study for midterms.  Shira fumes; Baby obviously skipped the Bar Mitzvah just to spite her, and after she wore special earrings as a peace offerings.

"Girl friendships can be intense," Girlfriend notes.

It's time for the candle-lighting ceremony.  Where's Yoshi?

"He wandered off with his buddy Danny," Boyfriend Avi notes.  I predict that they will find the boys kissing, thus outing Yoshi.

Scene 7: Yoshi and his Buddy (Dave Franco) are in the coat closet.  Not kissing, smoking (I can't tell if it's tobacco or marijuana).  Buddy criticizes him for still believing in God like a little kid.  But -- if there's no God, what was the point of memorizing all those prayers?  He could have been doing something useful, like practicing Dance Dance Revolution so he could impress his crush, Rachel.  Heterosexual identity established at Minute 17.  Well, he had a long run

Suddeny the closet door swings open.  Boyfriend Avi sees Yoshi sitting with his legs spread, and his Buddy lying next to him.  "Hey, it's a big day, you're having fun, I get it.  But it's time to light the candles."  He definitely concludes that they were doing sex stuff. Maybe Avi comes out later.

More gay stuff after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gideon Gemstone's Secret Life, Part 1: Jimmy Olsen finds out that the Gemstones do it big

Previous: Pontius Gemstone, the Boy Named Stacy, and the Erotic Alphabet. With a special appearance by Gideon Gemstone.

Rev. Jesse Gemstone: The Big Man

Jimmy was prepared for a mansion rivaling Bruce Wayne’s – after all, the Gemstone motto was “Do It Big!”  But he still wasn’t prepared for the Gemstone Lake House, on Lake Murray, South Carolina’s biggest reservoir.  Tudor-style, with three round towers, four decks, eight bedrooms, two swimming pools, two boat launches, and a gazebo decorated with statues of the Greek gods Aphrodite and Apollo. 

Jesse Gemstone himself met him at the door, casually dressed in a checkered shirt and white pants. He shook Jimmy's hand and said “Praise be to He,” as if it was a standard greeting.   Jimmy had interviewed presidents and superheroes, but he was still in awe.  Rev. Gemstone was not only one of the three heads of the most successful Evangelical organization in the world, he was constantly in the news for everything from a mismanaged Prayer Pod debacle to numerous attempts on his life.

“Thank you for agreeing to the interviews,” Jimmy said. 

“It’s a visit,” he corrected.  “You’re our guest for the weekend.  Think of yourself as family – a long lost cousin.  You want anything, just ask.”  Then he flashed The Look – everybody did, Jimmy should have expected it, but he was still taken aback.  This was Jesse Gemstone!

Since he was about 15 years old, everybody who saw Jimmy Olsen, except for kids and the very old, fell in love with him.  Man, woman, gay, straight, single, married – it made no difference.  Usually they weren’t really aware of what was happening, they just got a little aroused and wanted to touch his arm or shoulder, and do things for him – he got a free dessert almost every time he ate in a restaurant, he was bumped to first class almost every time he flew, and he had never been turned down for a date or a hookup, except by Clark Kent – but sometimes they knew exactly what they wanted, and got a little aggressive.  God, he hoped that Jesse Gemstone wouldn’t get aggressive.

But all Rev. Gemstone did was get semi-aroused, caress Jimmy's arm a bit, and lead him into the foyer and…the library, where the Gemstone siblings crawled after they were shot by Corey Milsap, and prayed for him as he died -- they prayed for their murderer!  

“I’m surprised that you want to spend time at this place, when you and your brother and sister were shot and almost died here.”

He chuckled.  “So, if I stayed away from every place where someone tried to kill me, I’d never go anywhere.”  Then he hesitated.  “This isn’t going to be one of those smear pieces, is it?   Frankly, I agreed to the visit because  I like some of your articles in the Daily Planet.  You’ve got heart -- not like that Lois Lane and her muckraking interviews with Superman”

“It's going to be about the Gemstone Miracle, how you survive and thrive after adversity.  I get you – I grew up in the South. In an Evangelical family.”

“But you’re not Evangelical anymore?”  Uh-oh, Jimmy felt soul-winning coming on.

“I’m a gay ally – my sister is trans.  And I just couldn't stand the homophobia in my home church."

“Believe me, that’s not a problem here.”  Next they moved into parlor where they held talent contests, and Corey Milsap did a Michael Jackson routine – before trying to murder his friends.  “Is there going to be a talent show this weekend?”

“Why, do you have a piece in mind?”

As Rev. Gemstone showed him the dining room, kitchen, sun room, and game room, Jimmy wrote his introduction in his head:

A cross between Elvis Presley and Conway Twitty, with the Van Buren sideburns and rings on every finger, Jesse Gemstone lives the Gemstone motto of “Do it big!”  He has been kidnapped by his uncle, assaulted by a close friend, and shot by another close friend, yet he doesn’t hesitate to open his home and his heart to a complete stranger.  

“My brother and sister and their spouses will be coming up for dinner, and my oldest, Gideon, will be arriving tomorrow.  Right now it’s just my wife and I, our other two kids, and their boyfriends.”

Wait – boyfriends?  Didn’t Jesse and Amber Gemstone have three sons?  Jimmy would have to check his notes.

Mrs. Amber Gemstone: The Preacher’s Wife

Mrs. Gemstone was in the kitchen, elegantly dressed, all in white as she brought a pastry – peach cobbler? – from the oven.   She wiped her hands on a towel to shake Jimmy’s hand.

“You must think I’m an old fashioned Evangelical housewife, subservient to her husband,” she said, pausing as she gave him The Look.

“No, I don’t think that at….”

She caressed his arm.  “But we don’t have full time staff at the lake house.  The service goes home after making lunch, so we have to either eat out or cook dinner ourselves.  But coming all the way from Metropolis, I thought you’d appreciate some real Southern cooking rather than the Root Cellar or Thai Thai.”

Jimmy pulled away.  “I’d appreciate that, Ma’am.”

“Open!”  She popped a spoonful of cobbler into his mouth – a big spoonful, and still steaming hot!  He cried out in pain.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!  Jesse, get a glass of milk for our guest!”

Amber Gemstone, resplendent in white, the picture of the elegant Southern woman, is expertly hiding some insecurity.  She longs to be a traditional Evangelical housewife, following St. Paul’s admonition to “be submissive to your husband,” but the three-time sharpshooting champion of Charleston doesn’t take kindly to being submissive.

Abraham: The Loud Son

 “Pontius and Stacy are  out on a pontoon boat,” Jesse told him.  “You can meet them later. Next up is my youngest, Abraham.  He just turned eighteen.” 

Stacy?  Ok, Jimmy must have misheard.  Jesse’s middle son had a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

He led Jimmy out to the bigger of the pools – the one behind the lake house – where two teenage boys were playing a noisy sword fight game with pool tubes. They were high school aged, athletic.   When they saw Jesse and Jimmy, they jumped out of the pool and ran forward.

“Boys, this is Jimmy Olsen, the reporter who will be staying with us this weekend.  My son Abraham –”  he gestured at the shorter boy, who had a muscular physique and a shock of unruly brown hair.  “And this is his friend Ash” – tall and thin, with brown skin and curly black hair.

“Don’t be so retro, Dad,” Abraham said, flashing the Look as he took Jimmy’s hand.  “Ash is my boyfriend.  I’m gay.”

“Yeah, with a boyfriend, I figured.”  He dislodged himself from Abraham and shook hands with Ash, who of course flashed the Look.  His semi-arousal was obvious.

"I'll leave you alone to get acquainted."  Rev. Gemstone vanished into the house.

“Go ahead and publish it in The Daily Planet,” Abraham continued. 

“If there’s room in my article.”

“I figured it out when I was like six, but I was afraid to come out to Dad after what happened to my brother Gideon…”

What happened to Gideon?  Jimmy smelled a Gemstone story that he hadn’t read in a bio or seen on CNN.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

Jason Hervey: Did the "Wonder Years" big brother hook up with guys in West Hollywood? How big was he? With explicit photos

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You are invited to Kelvin and Keefe's wedding, with exclusive NSFW photos from the honeymoon

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.9, Continued: Do the siblings really die?  Do Kelvin and Keefe really get married?

Here are some additional scenes from the Rightoeus Gemstones Episode 4.9 wedding:

This is the cover of the wedding program.

Martin: "Once upon a time, there were two  princes who fell in love."

The family applauds.

Sola the Nanny: "Alles gutes zum Hochzeitstag. Happy wedding anniversary"

Tiffany: "Yeah!"

Pontius: "Hey, Uncle Kelvin and Uncle Keefe. I hope you guys have a great marriage. Don't f*k too hard, ok?"

Gideon: "What Pontius is trying to say is, let your love... may your love be a blessing."  Looks like he is vaping.

Pontius: "Let your love be deep and hard...deep and hard.  Best wishes, guys."

Kelvin and Keefe dance. Keefe does The Worm.  He lifts Kelvin into his arms.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.