"Almost Love": Almost good gay-themed comedy about rich people's hook-up problems, plus Scott Evans nude

  1. Why do gay men in movies always live in New York?  

2.Why are they always super-affluent, when in real life they earn on the average 20% less than straight men?

3. Why are their friends all straight women?  When I lived in West Hollywood, you had straight acquaintances who you weren't out to, but friends, never.  

That's just the first three questions I have about Almost Love (2019), a gay-themed comedy about a super-elitist NYC gay guy and his straight female buddies, who have trivial problems.

1.Adam (Scott Evans, top) wants to be a painter, but he's stuck in a dead-end job ghost-painting for the famous-but-nasty Ravella Brewer.  Question 4: why are all gay guys in movies working as lawyers, actors, or artists?   

His boyfriend Marklin (Augustus Prew, bottom) is a famous blogger who is constantly getting fawned over by fans.  They're vaguely unhappy and unfulfilled, but dismiss any suggestion of moving forward in their relationship by getting married, buying a house, and having kids. 

Instead they....gasp...hook up on the side, which this movie portrays as the ultimate in betrayal.  Question 5:  why are all gay guys in movies obsessed with monogamy?  There are a lot of open relationships out there.

Left: Augustus' butt

2. His BFF #1, Elizabeth, is celebrating her 15th anniversary with Damon (Chaz Lamar Shepherd, left) , wondering "Is this all there is?"  Question 6: How are these people friends? Adam is an artist, and Liz never sets foot in a museum, except for the free wi-fi.

3. His BFF #2, Haley, works as a tutor.  This doesn't seem like the sort of job that would get her the big bucks, but she lives in a huge loft with bare brick wall and gigantic paintings.  Her problem: the high school boy she's tutoring, Scott (Christopher Gray), isin love with her. The age of consent in New York is 17, so he's not jail bait, but he is certainly inappropriate.  He threatens to kill himself if she refuses him.  Question 7:in what way is this funny or endearing?

Top photo: a model who pops up when you search for "Christopher Gray nude"

4. His BFF #3, Cammie, is dating Henry (Colin Donnell), perfect in every way -- except it turns out that he's homeless!  Her friends cringe. "You invited a homeless guy into your apartment?  You touched him?  Yuck!  Gross!"  Question 8: how elitist can they get?  Is being homeless a disease?

Beefcake:  None.  Question 9: what is the point of a gay-themed movie with no beefcake? 

Other Sights: New York location shots.

Gay Characters: The guys, a gay rights canvasser, a potential hookup.  

Elitism: Through the roof. Question 10: Why does everyone in this movie look down on people who are poor or Hollywood poor (middle class in the real world)?

My Grade: C.  

Bonus Scott Evans after the break

"Workaholics Episode 3.19: Blake faces a line-bully, Adam faces a zombie apocalypse, and Ders and Karl touch tips

 I've been watching Workaholics as comfort tv: totally upbeat, with no drama, no angst, no tragedies to work through, just humorous misunderstandings and everyday situations that spin wildly out of control.  No girl-ogling or bragging about how many times they get laid, in fact very few episodes involving getting laid. Just guys together.  RuPaul called it "the gayest show on television."  And, in spite of what my friends (and some reviews) said, virtually no homophobia.  But I found some in Episode 3.19, "In Line."  The guys are planning to wait in line for the release of a new zombie apocalypse video game, but they are waylaid and have separate adventures.

1.Blake actually makes it to the line.  He runs into an old Dungeons and Dragons friend , Marshall (Josh Brenner, shown here with the mega-hunk Steve Howey), and wants to cut in line, but "Mark McGrath Dude" (Adam Ray) refuses to permit it.  This seems appropriate to me: cutting in line is unethical.  

They leave, but Blake decides that he has had it  with muscle guys pushing him around,  so he returns and pulls out McGrath Dude's armpit hair.

Left: Adam Ray performing with the guys (Kyle, Blake, Ders) on the This is Important live tour.

More after the break.

Gideon moves out of the friend zone: A Gideon x Keefe romance

I revised the sex scene to make it parallel Kelvin's date with Percy.

"This is it," Gideon Gemstone told himself as he stood at the entrance of Woodpecker's Carpentry, watching the workers inside, and trying not to be noticed.  "Enough stalling.  You make your move now, or forget about it."

Suddenly a burly middle-aged man in a blue worker's suit appeared. "Hello.  I'm Bishop, the owner.  Can I help you with something?"

"I was just admiring the wood carvings.  I like that Grinch in a Santa Claus suit, and the bobble-head Trump...."  Thinking fast, he added. "But I was really looking for a birthday present for my Granddad.  Eli Gemstone -- you probably heard of him."

"The pastor at the Salvation Center? Sure, half my crew goes there, or watches the Praise Be to He hour on Sunday mornings. He's retired, isn't he? Who's the preacher now?"

"Jesse Gemstone.  I'm his son, Gideon."

He chuckled.  "How about that!   We're having a run on Gemstones today.  Your Uncle Kelvin was in earlier, probably shopping for the same thing.  He was talkin' up a storm with our new guy, Keefe."

Uncle Kelvin!  Gulp -- maybe it was too late.

For two years, Uncle Kelvin had been bringing Keefe to family dinners, barbecues, Christmas parties, everything: the hottest guy Gideon had ever seen. with shoulder-length blond hair, a short beard, an incredibly muscular chest inscribed faintly with a 666.  That remnant of his former Satanism made him even hotter.  

Were Kelvin and Keefe boyfriends?  The evangelical "don't ask, don't tell" policy meant that they would pretend to be just good buddies, regardless.  Even their social media pages were ambiguous.  But what if they were?  Being screwed by a guy who had screwed his uncle!  Forbidden romance, with a hint of incest -- could he get much hotter?  Gideon began fantasizing about Keefe -- a lot.

Then Keefe announced on his Instagram that he was moving out of the Gemstone compound. Two days later, that he was no longer working as assistant youth pastor: he had returned to his old job as a carpenter.  Obviously they had broken up -- if they were ever boyfriends in the first place. A perfect time for Gideon to move in!

Suddenly Gideon realized that Bishop was staring at him, expecting him to say something.  "Sure, I know Keefe.  He used to be the assistant youth pastor at the Salvation Center.  I'll bet Uncle Kelvin wanted to commission a gift for Granddad.  Hey, maybe we could go in on a gift together.  Could I talk to him?"

"I'll go get him." Burly retreated to the work floor.  A moment later, Keefe appeared -- incredibly hot in a work shirt that left his arms and shoulders bare.  He smiled...a good sign, right?  "Hi, Gideon.  How's the family doing?"

No, don't bring up the family! Especially don't bring up Kelvin!  You want to get him alone.  "Fine, I think.  I haven't talked to anyone but my Mom and Dad for awhile."  

They stared at each other.  Was Keefe attracted to him?  Gideon couldn't tell.  "So...the boss says you want a commission?"

"Maybe.  I was thinking of something for...no...I mean, I'd like you to do a commission, sure, but I really came here to ask..."

"Ask what?"  

Why was this so hard?  He had asked guys for dates before.  And girls.  "Um...water-skiing....have you ever been?"

"No.  Kelvin wasn't really into the beach much."

Wasn't? So they were boyfriends?   "Well, I am.  Would you like to give it a try?  On Saturday."

"We always held Gemstone Teen Time on Saturday afternoon," Keefe said with a frown.

Ulp.  "Isn't it great that you're free now, and have time to have fun on the weekends?"

He thought for a moment.  "Sure, I guess.  I mean, why not?  Let me give you my new number."

More after the break