I don't know why I was recommended Almost Family (Familia, pero no mucho) on Netflix, a 2025 movie about squabbling in-laws. Maybe there are gay characters? Writer Leandro Soares has the Instagram tagline "Gayboy" (if it's the right one), and an 2018 article states that director Felipe Joffily was planning to do a LGBT version of Poltergeist, Poltergay: a young couple moves into an old house without realizing that it used to be a gay bar (a French film with that plot came out in 2006). So we'll give it a try.
Scene 1: In a restaurant in an unnamed city in Brazil, a grouchy curmudgeon (Leandro Hassum, left, but much older and chubbier) gets angry at a customer's weird request, yells at the staff, wonders where Mariana is -- on her lunch break, practicing the violin.
He finds her: "You remind me of your mother, the Love of My Life, who is dead. Oh, and your playing is ok, too, but get downstairs. It's the lunch rush" Heterosexual identity and dead wife established at Minute 1.4
"But my big, important audition for the Paris Conservatory is coming up."
"Tough. Go wait tables." He goes downstairs, licks the shoulder of his current Girlfriend -- I guess his life isn't miserable forever -- and moves on. Mariana gazes at Girlfriend's son Filipinho dancing, and wonders why he doesn't have to work. "Because he'll have a career in dancing, whereas your music is useless, so you'll have to get a real job someday. Why?"
Scene 2: Curmudgeon (now I'm calling him Dad) and his buds discuss sports. Mariana says that her audition is Friday, and he has to come for a very, very important reason. It's a surprise.
Cut to the audition, in a giant theater, with family and friends watching. Uh-oh, Dad's Girlfriend and Filipinho (left) are there, but Dad is missing: we see that he's busy at the restaurant. Her audition number is "Summer" from Vivaldi's "Four Seasons": a horrible cliche, but maybe it's for the viewers.
Filipinho is played by Joao Barreto. If it's the same one, he's gay in real life, and has some n*de photos online. I'm holding out for the character to be gay, too.
Cut to Mariana pouting as Dad aplogizes. "I tried my best to come, but the restaurant was packed!" "Just leave me alone." We never find out what the big surprise was.
By the way, she got in, so she's off to Paris, and Dad will have to hire someone to take her place. "But you work for free. I can't afford to replace you!" (In Brazil, servers are paid a living wage). "Besides, this is our dream -- everything we've worked for." Ok, the clash between following your dreams and meeting parental expectations, a story as old as -- well, my childhood: "What do you need college for? You're smart enough to work at the factory right now!"
Scene 3: Time to go. Dad's Girlfriend and Filipinho hug her; Curmudgeon mutters about betrayal...backstabber...Judas..., but hugs her anyway and kisses the top of my head. Pet peeve: kissing the top of someone's head is disgusting. What are you trying to do, suck their brain out?
Scene 4: Three years later Daughter texts that she's coming home.
Cut to her arrival. Hugs all around. The bar has been turned into a gastropub, with live music. "Now maybe you'll give up this silly music dream and help run it?" Nope, she has a boyfriend in Paris, and they're getting married. Texts are cheap; maybe tell your family about this earlier?
Left: Fabio Santiago Israel plays one of the musicians, and has n*de photos online (after the break).
Bombshell: He's not French -- he's Argentinian.
Those horrible monsters! But they eat chipmunks, and their feet go backwards, and they cheat at futbol every single year! Dad can't hide his disgust.
"His parents own a hotel in Bariloche, so let's all go down to Argentina and meet them! It's the prettiest city in Argentina!" From Rio to Bariloche is seven hours by plane or 50 hours by car.
"But I can't go to Argentina! I can't speak the non-Portuguese gibberish they have down there!"
At this point the plot changes from "parents not supporting their child's ambition" to "bickering in-laws."
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Scene 5: They get off the airplane, high up in the mountains. Everyone is wearing parkas except Dad in his shorts. He steps into the gift shop and comes out wearing a ridiculous outfit to meet Boyfriend Miguel and the parents -- insulting their country and their language.
Tour of the city, with Swiss-chalet architecture, the lake, forests, and then their huge resort hotel -- Boyfriend Miguel is loaded!
In their room, Dad complains about the cold and criticizes the "jackass" Father-in_Law (Gabriel Goity) because he said that the hotel was built by his grandfather (what a crime!). Boyfriend Miguel thinks that the families are getting closer (weren't you paying attention, dude?).
More after the break. Caution: Explicit
Scene 6: Dinner: more griping, and the story of how Boyfriend Miguel and Daughter met -- "at conservatory." A wonderful meet-cute, I think sarcastically.
Left: Santiago entertains a friend
So, where will you live? That is, which family are you going to betray and drive into endless misery? The Argentinians or the Brazilians? Both -- they're living in Paris.
They introduce Carol, Boyfriend Miguel's ex-girlfriend, in charge of the wine list. "I hope you're enjoying our wine selections."
"They're fantastic," Felipinho tells her. Dad criticizes him: "She's way too hot for you." Dude, he just said the wine was good.
"Well, there's always hope. After all, you somehow managed to win my Mom." Zing! Hold on -- has he established heterosexual identity, or is he just zinging Dad? I'll keep going.
Scene 7: The young people go to a club -- two guys are dancing together in a blink-and-you-miss-it shot. Felipinho impresses everyone with his dance moves, and Mariana becomes angry because Boyfriend Miguel has a hot ex-girlfriend (that's hardly his fault; did you expect him to date only ugly girls while waiting to meet you?). "Are you still into her?" Oh,for...you're as bad as your Dad!
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Scene 8: Breakfast. Dad complains about the menu and tells everyone about his bowel movements. They're all going to a ski resort, but Dad can't ski, so Boyfriend Miguel offers to take him shopping for more...um...non-ridiculous clothes.
At the store, the clerk asks "Is that your saco (coat)?, but Dad hears escroto (testicles), and complains that the guy is coming on to him. It goes on like that "te molestas" ("I 'm bothering you/I'm going to molest you"), until he gets upset and wants to leave. Somewhat homophobic, but at least he knows that LGBTQ people exist.
Meanwhile, Boyfriend Miguel's Dad sneakily interrogates Mariana to see how much money her Dad has. Not much.
Scene 9: Time for skiing. This is getting tedious. I'm fast forwarding through the Adam Sandler-type mishaps.
At dinner, Dad knocks over a very expensive bottle of wine, and criticizes Miguel's Dad for describing the next. To be fair, I never understood those overblown descriptions. Carol the Wine Steward drops by to tell them that she's going home for the night, but Felipinho insists that she join them. She stays long enough to identify the wine by taste, then leaves. After a long day, who wants to hang out with the Boss?
"You don't have a chance!" Dad exclaims. Not with you embarrassing him like that.
As soon as Carol the Wine Steward leaves, Boyfriend Miguel sneaks out. Suspicious, Curmudgeon follows, and overhears him telling Carol "You'll help me with this, won't you?"
When Curmudgeon catches him, he covers by asking him to play foosball.
Scene 10: More skiing, sledding, tobogganing, and a "puma" that turns out to be a cat. And more fast-forwarding. Heterosexual lives are very boring.
Dad tells his Girlfriend about his suspicions that Boyfriend Miguel and Carol the Wine Steward are having an affair. She tells him to mind his own business. Nope, he goes to Mariana's room when Miguel isn't around, kisses her hands a few dozen times, and doesn't have the nerve to talk about it.
So he tells Boyfriend Miguel's Dad (Gabriel Goity, left). He has suspicions of his own, so they buddy-bond. Next, Miguel gets a proposition from his Dad: he'll give them an apartment in town, and get Mariana a job with the local philharmonic, so they can stay in Argentina.
Scene 11: Dinner: Miguel gets a text (we can see that it's from Carol -- "I'm here"). He vanishes, and Curmudgeon announces to everyone that "Miguel is having an affair with Carol!" Hey, Felipinho is gone, too. Darn, why couldn't those two be having the affair?
Suddenly everyone returns.
Why Miguel was sneaking around: he asked Carol to help him get a Stradivarius as a gift for Mariana. They run from $100,000 to $45 million.
In other news, Carol and Felipinho are dating! I knew it.
Mariana doesn't want the Stradivarius -- it's too much -- or the job that he arranged without asking her. She storms out; Miguel follows. There's a reconciliation at the airport, with the whole family, of course. Yawn
Scene 12: A wedding. Psych! It's Felipinho and Carol. Dude works fast. Miguel and Daughter aren't getting married yet. She's playing Vivaldi in Venice, and he joined an orchestra in Vienna. Also, she announces that she's pregnant. Way to draw attention away from the Happy Couple and onto you, Jerk.
Beefcake: None.
Other Sights: A lot of Bariloche. This could be a tourism video.
Gay Characters: Maybe the guys dancing together at the club.
Homophobia: Just in one scene. To be fair, Dad doesn't storm out until the third time he misunderstands an innocent word or phrase as a gay come-on. Bariloche is actually gay-friendly, as we can see from this advertisement for the "Gay Snow Party"
My Grade: The romance between Felipinho and Carol is underdeveloped. He's nice to her twice, and bam! They're getting married.
The main plot changes halfway through. Both dads are rather jerklike. So is Mariana. Actually, Felipinho and his Mom are the only sane ones.
And the endless conversations are extremely boring, even when I'm trying to practice my Portuguese. D
Left: Another Filipinho
Eight South American Indios with pecs, abs, bulges, and the highest penis string in the tribe
Portugal: Braga beefcake, Porto penises, a gay couple, and a queer duke.
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