Kevin Held: Husband, uncle, dogfather, actor. Former football player, or does "longhorn" refer to something else?

 

The nude male celebrity subreddit posted this photo "Kevin Held Longhorns," so I figured he was an athlete, a player for the Texas Longhorns (the University of Texas football teme).  When I looked up his Instagram, I found "Kevin Held, Husband, Uncle, Dogfather, host of The Bright Side with Kevin and Jason."

Telling us that he's straight in the tagline...wait, he's hugging a dude in the first ten photos, and wishing "Happy Valentine's Day to my traveling companion, dancing partner, co-dog parent, trudging partner, better half, and love of my life."  

Dude has a husband. Must have come out after he retired.

Later on his Instagram, Kevin displays a poster for the  romantic comedy Analysis Paralysis (2018), with Jason T. Gaffney (left).  He discussed it on Jeff and Will's Big Fiction Podcast.

The plot: it's about "the intersection of imagination and anxiety, and the courage to reach for love."  Um... pretentious purple prose doesn't make me want to see the movie?  I just want to know if the patient (Jason) schtupps his therapist.

No. he schtupps the cute guy at the coffee shop (Kevin), who shows his butt.  

That's very open for a newly out ex-footballer.  I'm confused.

The mystery solved after the break. Plus more penises.

Matt Cornett: "Bella and the Bulldogs" and "High School Musical" alum shows his d*ck . With gratuitous Buddy Keaton

Several years ago, I reviewed the Nickelodeon teencom Bella and the Bulldogs (2015-16), about a girl on the previously all-boy football team.  The premise sounded like a critique of gender polarization, acknowledging that sometimes boys like to cook and date other boys, but, at least in the episode I watched, there were no queer codes at all. Even  the obviously gay boy had a crush on a girl.

Now I'm profiling some former Nickelodeon/Disney teencom stars who informed our childhoods.  Should I go with the Bella cast member who is gay but has no adult videos online, or the one who is straight but shows us his stuff?

Buddy Keaton (née Handleson), the gay guy, played Newt Van der Rohe, a geek with an unrequited crush on the geek-hating Sophie.  Eventually she warms up to him.

I believe that the expression is "woof!," not "bark!"

Matt Cornett, the straight guy, played Zach Barnes, a player from a rival team who invited Bella to the homecoming dance, but uninvited her when his teammates disapproved (Two houses, both alike in dignity....).   After a few more "are they or aren't they?" episodes, they kiss.

Ok, Buddy with just some beefcake, or Matt with the Full Monty?

That's what I thought.

After Bella, Matt Cornett did the guest-spot circuit, playing girls' crushes (in Speechless, Game Shakers, and The Goldbergs), a girl's boyfriend (in Life in Pieces), a girl's friend (in the Middle), and for a change of pace, a bully murdered by one of his victims in Criminal Minds 

Also A-Lan in Disney's Zombies 3, which adds aliens to the already crowded world of zombies and werewolves.  He is dating the female alien A-Li.

But Matt is best known as jock-turned-thesbian E. J. Caswell in High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (2019-23).  The rationale for the clunky name: it's a tv series about high school students putting on the musical based on the movie High School Musical (which starred Zac Efron as the jock-turned-thesbian). 

In later seasons, they put on musicals based on the Disney films Beauty and the Beast, Frozen, and High School Musical 3: Senior Year.

Anxious to get to Matt's junk?  After the break.  Caution: Explicit

Rob Gronkowski: Football legend eats pancakes, fellates a beer can, shows us his hands, dick, and butt

 

This guy is named The Gronk.  I have no idea what, if anything, he's famous for, but he's apparently gay....and breath-taking.   

Perfect face.  Perfect physique.

Time for some research:

He's a football player named Rob Gronkowski.

 6'6",  265-pounds, hands 10 inches

You got anything else that's 10 inches, buddy?

A tight end: he blocks the running back and protects the quarterback durng passes.  

And fields a lot of jokes about his butt.

His stats, in case you're interested:

9 seasons with the New England Patriots (2010-2018)

2 seasons with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2020-21)

4-time Superbowl champ

4-time First Team All-Pro Selection

On the NFL 100th Anniversary All Time Team, along with some football players that I've heard of: O. J. Simpson, Johnny Unitas, Jim Brown, Dick Butkus (but I always thought he was a joke).

Here Gronk trains with the exceptionally ab-worthy fitness Youtuber Jesse James West.

But Gronk an actor, too, with 23 credits listed on the IMDB, including episodes of Family Guy, Entourage, Deported, How I Met Your Father, Animal Control, and The Electric State, usually playing himself.

More after the break

Bridger Buckley: Titan, pizza guy, kidnapped footballer, with a practically perfect physique and a donkey d...or is it a camel?

 

I've been watching The Neighborhood (2018-2025) about two nuclear families who are...um...neighbors, because someone on Reddit said that the femme, long-haired Grover (Hank Greenspan) was gay.  So far he hasn't expressed any interest in men or women, or really interacted with anyone outside the two families.

He doesn't appear in Episode 4.10, "Welcome to Jury Duty," (2022), but in the B-plot, Malcolm and Mary rent out their house for a movie, without realizing that it's going to be a porno.  They watch as the Hot Pizza Guy comes to the door -- and are shocked when he starts stripping off-camera.

Hot Pizza Guy is Bridger Buckley -- great name, attractive face, beautiful physique (pectoral perfection except for a dumb tattoo).  He's got one movie and two tv appearances listed on the IMDB, and I'm going to try to watch all of them.

An article in the Washington State Pullman student magazine provides some biographical details: Bridger Buckley grew up in Snohomish, Washington, a suburb of Seattle.  He was an "angry fat kid" who changed his diet, bulked up, and went out for football. -- Snohomish Panthers, class of 2014.  

He went to Washington State Pullman on a football scholarship, but was hit by a car during his sophomore year, resulting in a concussion and two fractured vertebrae.  It took a long time to recover, but eventually he returned to WSU and the football team.  Another injury, this time a badly sprained ankle, put an end to his football career, but not to his fitness goals.

By 2018, he was ranked #44 in West Coast Men in the Crossfit Games.

In 2019, he competed in The Titan Games, a sports reality show hosted by Dwayne Johnson: Fitness trainers, paramedics, accountants, soccer coaches, and other amateurs with amazing physiques faced Greek mythology-type challenges. 

Bridger won the Hammering Ram and Mount Olympus, permitting him to go on to the Battle of the Titans and win Herculean Pull,  In the season finale, The Titan Championship, he lost the Uprising (pulling an anvil through a series of concrete barriers).

 James-Jean Louis, a truck driver from Miami Beach, was named top male Titan.

After graduating from WSU Pullman in 2019, Bridger pursued a career as a fitness trainer and model.  He won #3 in the Male Commercial Actor of the Year Awards at the IMTA (International Modeling and Talent Association).

And he began auditioning:

1. The Neighborhood (2022)

2. NCIS, Episode 13.10 (2022), "Where Loyalties Lie": A scientist working with the marines is murdered, and her advanced technology stolen, so the NCIS team has to "race against the clock" to catch the baddie.   Bridger has a walk-on.

More after the break

"American Sports Story": Football player turned murderer, with evangelical homophobia everywhere

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Rocky High: My job as an athletic trainer

When I was a kid, I hated sports -- who would willingly submit to having hard round projectiles hurled at them? -- but my parents wouldn't believe me.  "You're a boy!  Boys like sports!" they kept insisting as I unwrapped Christmas presents of basketballs and baseball bats.

Denkmann Elementary School didn't offer gym classes, so they insisted that I choose something from the Parks & Recreations Department "Kids' Sports" program.  So I took judo for three years, stopping only when the dojo moved across the river to Davenport.

Washington Junior High offered a full range of team sports, so they began pushing me toward baseball, basketball, or...shudder...football. I compromised with wrestling, but dropped out after an unfortunate penis incident during a match. 

When I was about to start tenth grade at Rocky High, home of the Rocks, the litany began again: play a sport, play a sport, play a sport.  With even more urgency, since a boy with an aversion to athletics might be a "swish."  My Dad even forced me to try out for junior varsity football!

Noticing my dismay, my gym teacher, who was also the football coach, came up with another idea.  He asked if I had my Red Cross First Aid certificate.  I did. Then he suggested that I might like a job as an athletic trainer.

What do they do?

Duties after the break