The Sinner, Episode 3.1: Retired cop, sleazoid prof, and predatory chum, in Australia or New York. But at least we see Matt Bomer

 

I was recommended Season 3 of The Sinner, a crime drama anthology starring Bill Pullman as a cop drawn into different adventures every season.  I'm not much into crime dramas, but there are reputedly gay subtexts, so here goes: Episode 1.

Scene 1: Jamie (Matt Bomer) a guy in a scruffy suit, sits in a toilet stall, smoking marijuana. He walks through a ritzy private school, getting drooled over by all the coeds.  They need another chaperone for the LGBTQ  Alliance field trip.  "Sure, I'm happy to do it."  So he's bi?   

Then he teaches his class -- something about the Treaty of Versailles --in a small, crowded conference room.  Only female students?.  Is this a girls' school, or are we emphasizing that he's a hetero horndog?

After class, a girl hangs back to flirt while her friends glare jealously from the door.  Don't worry, you'll get your turn.  She's decided to apply to Brown, and she needs a letter of recommendation.  "Sure, you write it and I'll sign it."   Sleazing on co-eds, and now forgery?  This guy is a jerk.

Scene 2: The Big Boss congratulates elderly cop Harry (Bill Pullman, left) on his retirement, although his replacements, Soto (Eddie Martinez) and McCafferty, are awful.  They have verve and energy, but no experience. 

Scene 3: A train chugging by a river.  Inside, Jamie the Sleazoid Prof is staring angrily at the other passengers as they scroll through their cell phones.  He gets off and chases after one, a bald guy in a business suit.

Meanwhile, Harry the Retired Cop, at the same station, greets his daughter and grandson: "Welcome to the Northern Territory." So this must be Darwin, Australia.  They drive to the creepy, isolated house that he bought to retire in -- a former army barracks.  Daughter disapproves -- what if he need help? Cell phones don't even work out here.  "I can get bars in the front yard." 

She also disapproves of her son's interest in reading.  "That's all he does.  He's got no friends."  Especially that one fantasy novel -- he won't put it down. Plot dump: she's recently divorced, and ex Andy has vanished to London.

Scene 4: Jamie the Sleazoid Prof is barbecuing, while his wife Leela complains about the customers in her shop.   Wait -- what happened to the guy he was chasing?  I thought he'd end up dead.  Suddenly Jamie has the urge to stick his hand onto the barbecue grill, but Wifey interrupts him.  They smooch.  .

Doorbell rings: Amazon Delivery.  Jamie is shocked and horrified. "What are you doing here?  I told you not to come here." So he prefers brick-and-mortar bookstores?  

Nope, the Amazon stuff was a misdirection.  It's actually Nick (Chris Messina), whom Jamie knows but hates.  Maybe a downlow hookup?  They argue and sputter at each other, but when Leela shows up, Nick is all smiles, and gets a dinner invitation.

Scene 5: Jamie the Sleazoid Prof and Hookup Nick glaring at each other across the dinner table, while Leela drones on about her shop. I don't really understand what she sells, but there are candles and  "essential oils"  Nick criticizes Jamie for forcing his wife to move to Australia, when she wanted to stay in Brooklyn. He makes more ominous, threatening statements, but Leela is oblivious. Not very smart for someone named after a space pilot on "Futurama."  

Scene 6: Night.  Harry the Retired Cop is asleep on the couch.  He gets a phone call. Hey, no cell phone reception in the house, remember?  There was an accident off Route 9, so he has to go investigate.  Hey, retired, remember?

And now he's driving on the right side of the road.  This can't be Australia!  But the only Northern Territory I'm familiar with is in Australia.  There's a Northwest Territory in Canada, but I don't think Yellowknife has that huge train station.  Maybe he was riffing on the remoteness of his community, and expected viewers to have the sound on, so they could hear the accents. 

Accident scene: The driver crashed into a tree. "He's ok -- at St. Emilia's getting checked out."  But he got splattered all over the car.  WTF?  Lady, you just said he was ok! Are we watching events in parallel worlds simultaneously?

What was the driver doing on private road that leads to just one house, where the owner wasn't expecting him?  The cops scratch their heads, baffled by this mystery. Harry checks out the driver -- it's Hookup Nick!

Scene 7:  The other "he," the one that's ok, is Jamie the Sleazoid Prof.  He sits on an examination table, looking sinister, staring at his hands.  

Scene 8: Retired Cop Harry works while his replacement, Soto, glares at him.  He calls a lady to tell her that the cops have some of her father's stuff.  Does she want it?  "No. Ok, I'll give you my home address."  Now he says he's in Dorchester, New York 11332.  The zip code is Flushing, Queens.  I was not aware that Queens was called the Northern Territory.  So when Nick got angry because Jamie forced his wife to move to the other side of the world, he meant ten minutes by subway? 

Jamie the Sleazoid Prof comes in for the insurance interview. After dinner, they went out for a drink at Nick's hotel. On the way back, Nick was driving too fast, and crashed  No big mystery.

"But where were you going?  You were nowhere near your house or his hotel. "Um...um...we were looking for an overlook, and got lost."  An overlook in the middle of the night?

Gay subtext: "I saw Nick die.  It was like seeing him for the first time.  The way he looked at me..."  This makes Harry suspicious.  So what if Nick and Jamie were boyfriends?  How would that affect the case?

More Bomer after the break

Revisiting Brideshead Revisited: Does the groundbreaking portrayal of (temporary) gay love hold up after 40 years? With bonus dicks.

A Monday night, the second week of classes in the spring semester of my senior year.  I'm lying on the bed in the attic room my brother and I share, reading a book for my Advanced Spanish class.  Significantly it's Ciro Alegria's El mundo es ancho y ajeno: Broad and Alien is the World.  

I always watch tv while studying, and tonight there's  something called Brideshead Revisited on PBS.  It turns out to be an adaption of the Evelyn Waugh novel about 1920s Oxford undergrad Charles Ryder (Jeremy Irons) falling in love with the flamboyant, decadent, teddy bear-toting, alcoholic Sebastian Flyte (Anthony Andrews).  

They run away to Venice together. They go slumming in Soho, along with Sebastian's sister Julia.  Then Ryder begins a romantic entanglement with Julia, and the outraged Sebastian dumps him and runs off to Morocco. 

 Later Sebastian hooks up with a sleazy German guy named Kurt (Jonathan Coy), and later still he dies.  Ryder can't marry Julia because she's Catholic and he's an atheist, so they just live together.  Later he becomes Catholic.

I'm mesmerized.  In 1982, surrounded by the hetero-horniness of workplace sitcoms, my parents demanding "What girl do you like?", and the preacher at church bellowing about homa-sekshuls, just seeing two men involved in a romance is a revelation.  Sure, no one says "gay," Ryder turns straight, and Sebastian dies, but they walk arm in arm, cuddle, even go nude sunbathing!  And everyone around knows! Even Sebastian's mother.  Even Julia, who tells Ryder that "all our loves are hints and signals," leading us to God.  A same-sex romance leads us to God?  Hear that, Preacher?

40 years have passed.  I've studied a lot of LGBT history and literature, and watched a lot of gay movies, published a lot of books and articles on queering fictional texts, and recently I decided to revisit Brideshead Revisted.

You can't go home again.  Rewatching today, I strongly dislike Brideshead.  Sebastian is a decadent, flamboyant stereotype who ends up dead.  Ryder may fall in love with him, but then he moves on to Julia.  Evelyn Waugh, like Freud, believed that gayness is a phase -- adolescents, newly potent but forbidden access to the opposite sex, turn to each other.  Their brief period of quasi-romance ends when they move on to "mature" heterosexual love.

In 2008, the BBC aired a new version of Brideshead, with Matthew Goode as Charles Ryder and Ben Whishaw as Sebastian.  This time there's no subtext: Sebastian is gay.  But there's also no romance: Ryder is heterosexual but pretending to be interested in Sebastian to gain access to his vast wealth.

 It's more honest -- and there's a lot more nudity -- but nothing can match the joy of seeing same-sex romance on screen for the very first time.

Bonus dicks after the break:

Under the Banner of Heaven: Murder and crisis of faith in a fundamentalist Mormon familiy with five brothers (and five dicks)

 Under the Banner of Heaven, a Hulu series about corruption in the LDS Church, was written and produced by Dustin Lance Black, who is gay, so there's bound to be some gay characters or subtexts.  Besides, who isn't interested in cute Mormon missionaries?  

Scene 1: Establishing shot of Salt Lake City.  Jeb (Andrew Garfield), a super clean-cut nuclear family Dad, is listening to "Let's Hear it for the Boy."  A gay anthem!  So the protagonist is gay?   His preteen daughters, who wear long pioneer dresses, ask him to do loving-father activities, like lasso them.  Wife, who wears a modern t-shirt and cut-off jeans, calls him to the phone.  He has to go to work, so everyone has to do the evening prayers early.

We hear all the prayers: for the Mormon missionaries (how about a visual?), for Church President Kimball, for Grandpa in heaven, and for an Easy-Bake Oven.  "Let's Hear it for the Boy" came out in 1982, and Spencer Kimball died in 1985, 

Scene 2: Continuing to pray, Jeb the Cop puts the siren on his car and heads to a house surrounded by yellow tape and police cars.  Inside: the tv on, bloody footprints, scattered toys, a dead lady, and something in a basinet that makes him say "Evil."  The dead lady's murder was not evil?    He goes out to the yard and arrests the bloody young man who happens to be walking around.

Scene 3:  At the police station, Jeb the Cop and his Gentile (Non-Mormon) Partner do the good cop-bad cop routine on the blood-splattered suspect, Allen Lafferty (Billy Howle), who happens to belong to one of the most important familiies of the Church.  He claims that for the last year, "peculiar men" dressed like Mormon prophets have been stalking his family, so no doubt they did it.  They are probably after his brothers and their wives and kids, too.

Left: Billie Howle, Dick #1

Scene 4: While they book and strip Allen, Jeb watches, flashing back to someone he saw at church (was this a flash of same-sex attraction?).  They send a squad car out to check on the only brother whose address Allen knows: the others all moved to hide from the humiliation of having a brother who left the Church.

Scene 5: Jeb is too disgusted to continue the interrogation, so his Gentile Partner continues alone.  Stunt casting: he's played by Gil Birmingham, a bodybuilder who appeared in Diana Ross's music video "Muscles" in 1982.

Allen: if you want to know who did, check out the Mormon saints.  

Flashback to his future wife Brenda winning runner-up in the Miss Twin Falls, Idaho contest in 1980, then going to Brigham Young University, to stay away from the "Democrats and crazies," and studying broadcast journalism.  She meets Allen at church.  

Back at the interrogation, Allen blames the Church on his wife's death: "My only regret is that I didn't drive her out of Zion (Salt Lake City) to protect her from our people."  

Scene 6:  Jeb the Cop continues to ruminate about how evil Allen is, to do that to a baby (and an adult?).  They're still having trouble tracking down the addresses of his brothers and their wives/kids, so Jeb calls his wife -- they went to church with the Lafferty family, so maybe she has some of the brothers' addresses.  

He returns to the interrogation: Jeb: "So, you despicable monster, was there anyone besides you who hated Brenda enough to do it?"  Allen:  Everyone hated her because she was so perfect."  Yeah, I heard that a lot in high school.

Scene 7: Flashback to Allen introducing Brenda to the family at a picnic. "Just don't say much," he warns. Patriarch Ammon (Christopher Heyerdahl, Dick #2) wants to know why she abandoned Twin Falls, Idaho for the evil Big City (Provo, Utah?).  There are an endless number of boisterous brothers, Stepford wives, and staring kids to meet. 

More Lafferty boys after the break

"Solar Opposites": Do Korvo and Terry act like a married couple? Do they call each other 'husbands?' Do they have sex?

Solar Opposites (2020-) is a Hulu animated series about two aliens, their replicants, and their pupa,  who flee from their doomed planet and crash-land on Earth.  During Season 1, showrunner Justin Roiland addressed the question of whether male adults Korvo (Justin Roiland, Dan Stevens) and Terry (Thomas Middleditch, left) were a gay couple.  He said that since their species practices asexual reproduction, they don't have sex, and therefore they can't be gay.  Jerk, thinking that being gay is purely about sex.  What about romantic partnerships? 

Apparently he changed his mind.  The fan wiki states that Korvo and Terry became a romantic couple between Seasons 1 and 2.  But how romantic are they?  Do they say anything?  Do anything?  Or do you have to just infer from gay subtexts? To check, I reviewed some episodes, either because the premise sounded interesting or because there was a hot guest star.

Episode 2.1: The Solar Opposites discover another refugee group from their home planet, living in London!  But it turns out that they have a disturbing hidden agenda.  No indication that Korvo and Terry are romantic partners.  With the voice of Thomas Lennon, the grotesque gay-stereotype cop in Reno 911 (left: his butt)

Episode 2.2: Korvo hates dinner parties, so he declares them illegal and starts a police force to seek out forbidden dinner party paraphernalia.  Things turn deadly: people are turned into wine.  During the denouement, Korvo and Terry kiss.

Episode 2,3: Yumyulack, the "teenage boy" replicant, invents a ray that gives him a huge penis -- not for sex, for the power that goes with it.  He makes it bigger and bigger, until it threatens to destroy the world.  No indication that Korvo and Terry are a romantic couple.

Episode 3.2  Korvo wants to take up a hobby, but everything he tries, Terry is already doing, and doing better.  In frustration, he goes into a toy train shop.  The manager thinks that he's just pretending to be interested in trains to beat his "alien husband."

Episode 3.3 Terry shows Korvo the joy of standing in line, and introduces him to his "line husband," Linus (Adam Pally).  Line husband and regular husband jealously snipe at each other, until Korvo finally wins Terry's heart. (Left: Dan Stevens' butt)

Alien bulge and dick after the break

Fire Island (2023): Myles Clohessy takes off his clothes, erases the LGBT people from a movie set in a gay resort.

  

I'm doing another trailer review, not because I want to see the movie -- the reviews were deplorably bad -- but because I want to demonstrate how deviously they erased the LGBT content.

Context: A 2022 movie, Fire Island, is a romantic comedy about guys looking for love (and sex) at the world-famous gay resort.   In 2023, a horror movie with the same title appeared, for audiences  that have no idea that the 2022 movie exists, or that Fire Island is a gay resort.

The blurb: "The perfect summer vacation quickly spirals out of control for a group of friends on the infamous, picturesque party getaway of Fire Island as they find themselves caught in a web of sex, lies and cold blooded murder."  Any idea that gay people exist here?

First, let's look at the Official Trailer:

Scene 1: A man and a woman in bed together when they get a phone call.  They climb into the car with another man and woman.  Two heterosexual couples, right?  They shriek loudly with excitement.

Scene 2: Establishing shot of the Fire Island ferry, while sinister music plays.  We see an American flag and a Pride flag. What kinda flag is that, Mabel?  I never seen such a thing.  

Scene 3: They move into their house.  More sinister music.  Late at night, Man #2 says "I have to take care of myself.  This is the best way I can breathe.  This weekend is the last fucking thing I wanted to do, but..."  

Meanwhile, Woman #1 and #2 are kissing.  The wives are having a lesbian affair!

Cut to morning, with everyone dancing around the kitchen, overjoyed to be cooking breakfast.  Man #2 and Woman #2 hug and start to kiss.  Man #1 sits on the porch, talking to Woman #1.  I guess the lesbian affair is over.  They're all back to being heterosexual couples again.

Scene 4: Uh-oh, the police find a dead guy (nice bulge in his underwear). Detective (Kresh Novakovic) thinks that it has something to do with the murders "out in the Pines."  That's where the two straight couples are staying!

Scene 5: Night.  Woman #2 awakens to an empty bed and calls for Man #2 (I assume, although the name she calls, Dan, is not in the cast list). Lights flash on and off.  

Cut to daytime. Man #2  and Woman #2 go into a house, yelling "Hello?  Hi?"

Now it's night again. Man #1 looks out the window at something scary.  I'll bet he's responsible for the murders.  

Scene 6: Old guy dressed as a hunter, in the woods, saying "Look at all this fucking b.s." or "these fucking deer." (I can't tell which: the dialogue is very soft, and the sinister music very, very loud.)  

Night again.  Man #2 and Woman #2 are in town. They see a figure in a deer mask.  They run on the beach, then into a house.  The detective, who is there for some reason, pulls a gun. Then it's morning, and they're running upstairs.

Scene 7: A split-second shot of a man and a woman dancing (wait...on pause, it's a butch/femme gay couple).  Cut to the femme one in the bathroom, with his throat slashed. 

Woman #1 wakes up in bed, wondering where Man #1 is.  He's on the beach, looking sinister.  Because he just killed a femme gay guy?  She gets up in her underwear and loads a gun.  The end.

Quick, how many of these people are gay?  Man #1 (played by Conor Paolo, top photo) is married to Woman #1.  Man #2 (played by Jonathan Bennett, second photo) is gay, and overcoming a recent tragedy.  Woman #2 is a lesbian, and in a relationship with someone who isn't on the car trip, so you'd think it was two heterosexual couples driving to Fire Island.  Plus her girlfriend looks like Woman #1, so you can't tell from the trailer that she exists.  You think the wives are having a lesbian affair. 

The Official Trailer tries very hard to make you believe that this movie is about two heterosexual couples at a resort that might have one or two gay people being eviscerated.  

But the Showtime Trailer goes even farther,  It cuts the Pride flag, the "I have to take care of myself," and the dancing/eviscerated gay guys, but adds three shots of men and women kissing.  

Left: Jared P-Smith, who plays the Bartender in a scene that doesn't appear in the trailer.

There are also three shots of a drag queen (played by writer/director Myles Clohessy's father) entertaining an audience of heterosexual couples. Each cuts directly to the deer mask person, implying that the drag queen, not Man #1, is the killer.  

The question is, why?  Why make a movie where 3 out of 5 protagonists are gay, then try very hard to hide it?  

Let's check Myles Clohessy.  He has 16 writing and 20 directing credits listed on the IMDB, but most are "upcoming."  Also 41 acting credits,  but only one gay role, in The Last Ferry.  He plays an ex-Marine who murders his boyfriend during a weekend in Fire Island.

 Interestingly, an interview in The Spirit, a local NYC newspaper, asks how he, a heterosexual, played a gay character.  He explains "I approached (the role) in the same way that I would approach any other character."   Actors used to be asked that all the time, but not in 2020.

But it may explain a lot about this movie.     

Nude photos of Myles Clohessy after the break

"Workaholics" Episode 5.1: Blake becomes a porn star, Ders is into kinky stuff, and Adam is gay. With bonus penises

I'm not posting about Workaholics too much, you're posting about Workaholics too much. But Episode 5.1 is amazing.  There are no gay characters, there's a homophobic slur,  two of the three guys express heterosexual interest, there's a straight porn movie in one scene and two straight people having sex in another.  And Adam leaves his shirt on.  How could all that be gay-positive?

Scene 1: The guys are preparing to watch the "biggest night in Hollywood."  They hope it will be better than last year, when it consisted mostly of people "sucking each other off" on the red carpet.  Hey, it's not the Oscars -- it's the Adult Entertainment Awards!  Adam comes in with snacks -- breast-shaped cakes for the guys, and he gets a chocolate penis.

Scene 2: Discussing the results at work.  Adam guessed right in every category, even Best Dong-umentary (12 Inches a Slave won).  He explains that he has a "pornographic memory" -- he never forgets a dick.  What a coincidence, I like to look at dicks, too.  Do you also like s*king them?  

On to the episode's premise: Ders is being sent tothe North Rancho College Job Fair to recruit college grads (to be telemarketers?).  He can bring some assistants, but Adam and Blake are out -- they'll just bail, leaving him to do all of the work alone.  Of course, they talk him into it, and the moment they hit the campus, they bail.

Ders' Adventure: He starts attracting students by insulting the guys in the Coast Guard recruitment booth: "You're called the coast guard because you coast on the backs of the people who really guard our country."  He also makes a homophobic gesture, "accusing" the coast guard guys of sucking cock.  

Ok, one "gay sex is shameful" joke.  This is mild.  Have you seen anything with Seth Green lately?  He and his best friend reach for the popcorn at the same time, and accidentally touch hands: "I need to shower and cry for three hours!  I've never been so disgusted!   If anyone saw us, they might think that we're -- oh, I'm going to be sick!" 

Finally the coast guard guys, led by Brock (Pete Ploszek), have had enough of his jibes, pour Big Red soda into his butt hole, and have their dog mascot -- um --- you know.  But Ders likes it!

Later, Ders pretends that he wants to apologize, but he tells a dirty joke instead.  The coast guard guys chase him.  He climbs a ladder and escapes into a dorm room....

Adam's Adventure:  He suddenly realizes that this is the campus where they filmed his favorite porno, Dorm Daze.  He looks around until he finds Room 18, where they filmed the gang bang scene.  Wait -- the direction of the "semen sprays" isn't right.  He is creating a diagram, when the room's occupant, Danny (Peter Ngo), comes in with a girl and orders him out. 

When Adam sees a girl carrying a texbook on Female Sexuality, he thinks she's going to a class on porn, so he follows her into a giant lecture hall -- occupied entirely by women!  Score -- dozens of future porn actresses learning about the trade.   Maybe they'll even use him to demonstrate their techniques!

The professor calls him down.  He's thrilled!  He just wishes he wore his "big dick jeans" to show off his huge cock.   It's really a Women's Studies class about women's objectification by the patriarchy!  Run!   But he digs himself in deeper and deeper, discussing how much he likes porn: "the gentle cupping of the balls....they caress the shaft....and then gag..."  Do you like getting them or giving them, Adam?

Time for the lambasting:  the women are being exploited. Many are confused actresses lured in with the offer of a legitimate movie role, given drugs and alcohol to lower their inhibitions, then forced to perform.  Many are single mothers. What if your mother was in that situation?   

"My Mom?"  Adam seethes.  Converted into an anti-porn advocate, he and the students rush to the dorm room used for filming pornos, and shut it down!  Except it's a  regular dorm room now, occupied by Dominic (Seth Ginsberg, top photo), having consensual sex with his girlfriend.  Wait -- Adam uses logical deducation to determine that the real porn room is....

Blake's Adventure:  He is pretending to be Australian, so when he sees a sign announcing open auditions for Hamlet, he auditions with a fight scene from Crocodile Dundee.  The director chastises him: "You're a very bad actor," but Crystal, a girl in the audience,  offers him a role in a short film.  

She leads him to a dorm room. He wants to know about the characters, the plot, and so on, but Landon, the director, gives him drugs and alcohol and tells him to whip it out. Blake catches on that it's a porno, and tries to leave, but Landon yells at him and threatens him.  "I just wanted to act," Blake whimpers. "So go in the closet and grease up your hog."    Notice the beat-by-beat reflection of what the professor told Adam.  Not understanding, he comes out with his body greased. Crying, humiliated, he can't bring himself to take out his dick.  

Tying the Plot Threads Together: Adam and the students burst in to save Blake and "this poor, innocent girl."  Crystal points out that she's a producer, she owns 40% of the company, and besides, she enjoys performing.  Whoops, there's another side to the story.  It's not all about exploitation. 

But they still need someone with a penis to do it on camera.  Not to worry -- Ders bursts in, chased by the coast guard guys, who are all interested.  We cut to them waiting in line to do a "Coast Guard Gang Bang" movie.  Wait -- twelve guys and one girl?  Some of those guys are going to be banging each other.  The end.

Beefcake: Blake and Dominic the Dorm Guy.

Gross-out humor: Ders enjoys the dog-sex thing. In the kicker, he suggests that the guys get a dog.

Heterosexism:  The coast guard guys complain that they've been chasing Ders all over campus. "We should be chasing chicks, not dudes."

The professor who describes porn as solely about women being exploited by men gets her comeuppance: sometimes male performers are being exploited, too.

Homophobia: One reference.  Interestingly, when Crystal tries to humiliate Ders into performing, she says "Don't you like sex?", not "Are you gay?"

Gay Subtext: Except for one or two lines suggesting an interest in women, Adam presents as gay.  His favorite porn scene involves guys jizzing.  When he describes what he likes about porn, it's all about giving a blow job. 

My Grade: A

I could hardly post on Adam's penis expertise without some penis pics after the break.  Caution: some arousal.

"Teenage Bounty Hunters": Two girls at a high-power Christian Academy get a side gig. With Mackenzie Astin and the guys sans pants

 

Teenage Bounty Hunters. on Netflix, gets 4.6 out of 5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes.  Sure, I could use something mindless and trashy, as long as the girls keep their clothes on.  So I'll review Episode 1.1.

Scene 1: In a parked car, a teenage girl convinces a highly religious "But it's a sin!" boy, Luke (Spencer House. left), to do it with her by quoting scripture. She quotes John 3:16 and the Shepherd Psalm while mounting him.

I should have tried that when I was a Nazarene!

In the next car over, another teenage girl finishes giving a hand job to Stoner Dude Jennings (Nicholas Cirillo), and then  interrogates him on her technique.

Scene 2: The two girls turn out to be twins, Sterling (religious) and Blair (stoner), who discuss their sexcapades on the way home.  Suddenly they hit a car.  "Jesus, Mother of God!" Religious Sterling cries. Well, she's not Catholic, so how could she know that it's "Mary, Mother of God"?

The guy they hit brandishes a gun, but they quickly subdue him.  He thinks they're bounty hunters (hired to track down people who skip bail).

The real bounty hunter shows up: Bowser (Kadeem Hardison, who you might remember from A Different World).  Dude runs, and Bowser is too fat to give chase, so the girls grab him.    Believing that they are professional bounty hunters, Bowser agrees to share the fee with them.

Scene 3: "What I did for my summer vacation" at a Christian Academy.  An entitled girl says: "I was so blessed that my Daddy let us use his helicopter to fly to his lake house for a discipleship week."  Gak!

Religious Sterling is chosen to be this year's Christian Discipleship Student Fellowship Leader.  But she doesn't want to do it because she's...um...as pure as the driven slush? 

Scene 4: Outside the scary Gothic-castle school, Religious Sterling is fake-congratulated by a Mean Girl: "But I'm glad I didn't get it, because I'll be so busy this year with the Young Republicans, Latin Club, the Straight-Straight Alliance..." Har-har

Studdenly Stoner Dude bumps into Religious Sterling.  She drops her purse, and a condom falls out.  Everyone is shocked!  Sin!  Abomination!

Sceene 5: The girls go home to their mansion, where Supermodel Mom has made brownies.  Dad comes in (bisexual actor Mackenzie Astin, brother of Sean).

Left: Searching for "Mackenzie Astin" and "body" yielded this photo of Scott Bakula and someone who doesn't look like Mac Astin.

And brother Sean in Toy Soldiers.

Scene 6: I'm not sure what the point of Scene 5 was.  They call Dad "sir," but otherwise he seems perfectly nice, interested in their activities, not authoritarian or abusive.

They walk through the grounds to the garage to pick up a car, so they can meet with Bowser the Bounty Hunter to collect their $2,500 (don't they get that much allowance every week?)

Scene 7: Yogurtopia, where Bowser the Bounty Hunter has his day job.  He gives the girls their money, but it will take a lot more to fix their Dad's best huntin' truck that got wrecked in Scene 2.   So he offers them a new job: a richster named John Stevens was arrested for solicitation and assault (he beat up a hooker), and skipped bail.  Now he's hanging out in the Men's Parlour, a super-exclusive section of the super-exclusive (that is, white only) country club.  Bowser is black, so he can't get in; could the girls do it?

The girls discuss:  They know John Stevens -  he's Mean Girl's Dad!  He's made  inappropriate comments about their' bods, so he's a creep.  But why would a bajillionaire be a bail jumper?  Couldn't he just hire a famous attorney and bribe the jury to be found not guilty?

More bounty hunting after the break