Teenage Bounty Hunters. on Netflix, gets 4.6 out of 5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes. Sure, I could use something mindless and trashy, as long as the girls keep their clothes on. So I'll review Episode 1.1.Scene 1: In a parked car, a teenage girl convinces a highly religious "But it's a sin!" boy, Luke (Spencer House. left), to do it with her by quoting scripture. She quotes John 3:16 and the Shepherd Psalm while mounting him.
I should have tried that when I was a Nazarene!
In the next car over, another teenage girl finishes giving a hand job to Stoner Dude Jennings (Nicholas Cirillo), and then interrogates him on her technique.
Scene 2: The two girls turn out to be twins, Sterling (religious) and Blair (stoner), who discuss their sexcapades on the way home. Suddenly they hit a car. "Jesus, Mother of God!" Religious Sterling cries. Well, she's not Catholic, so how could she know that it's "Mary, Mother of God"?
The guy they hit brandishes a gun, but they quickly subdue him. He thinks they're bounty hunters (hired to track down people who skip bail).
The real bounty hunter shows up: Bowser (Kadeem Hardison, who you might remember from A Different World). Dude runs, and Bowser is too fat to give chase, so the girls grab him. Believing that they are professional bounty hunters, Bowser agrees to share the fee with them.
Scene 3: "What I did for my summer vacation" at a Christian Academy. An entitled girl says: "I was so blessed that my Daddy let us use his helicopter to fly to his lake house for a discipleship week." Gak!
Religious Sterling is chosen to be this year's Christian Discipleship Student Fellowship Leader. But she doesn't want to do it because she's...um...as pure as the driven slush?
Scene 4: Outside the scary Gothic-castle school, Religious Sterling is fake-congratulated by a Mean Girl: "But I'm glad I didn't get it, because I'll be so busy this year with the Young Republicans, Latin Club, the Straight-Straight Alliance..." Har-har
Studdenly Stoner Dude bumps into Religious Sterling. She drops her purse, and a condom falls out. Everyone is shocked! Sin! Abomination!
Sceene 5: The girls go home to their mansion, where Supermodel Mom has made brownies. Dad comes in (bisexual actor Mackenzie Astin, brother of Sean).
Left: Searching for "Mackenzie Astin" and "body" yielded this photo of Scott Bakula and someone who doesn't look like Mac Astin.
And brother Sean in Toy Soldiers.
Scene 6: I'm not sure what the point of Scene 5 was. They call Dad "sir," but otherwise he seems perfectly nice, interested in their activities, not authoritarian or abusive.
They walk through the grounds to the garage to pick up a car, so they can meet with Bowser the Bounty Hunter to collect their $2,500 (don't they get that much allowance every week?)
Scene 7: Yogurtopia, where Bowser the Bounty Hunter has his day job. He gives the girls their money, but it will take a lot more to fix their Dad's best huntin' truck that got wrecked in Scene 2. So he offers them a new job: a richster named John Stevens was arrested for solicitation and assault (he beat up a hooker), and skipped bail. Now he's hanging out in the Men's Parlour, a super-exclusive section of the super-exclusive (that is, white only) country club. Bowser is black, so he can't get in; could the girls do it?
The girls discuss: They know John Stevens - he's Mean Girl's Dad! He's made inappropriate comments about their' bods, so he's a creep. But why would a bajillionaire be a bail jumper? Couldn't he just hire a famous attorney and bribe the jury to be found not guilty?
More bounty hunting after the break
They walk through the grounds to the garage to pick up a car, so they can meet with Bowser the Bounty Hunter to collect their $2,500 (don't they get that much allowance every week?)
Scene 7: Yogurtopia, where Bowser the Bounty Hunter has his day job. He gives the girls their money, but it will take a lot more to fix their Dad's best huntin' truck that got wrecked in Scene 2. So he offers them a new job: a richster named John Stevens was arrested for solicitation and assault (he beat up a hooker), and skipped bail. Now he's hanging out in the Men's Parlour, a super-exclusive section of the super-exclusive (that is, white only) country club. Bowser is black, so he can't get in; could the girls do it?
The girls discuss: They know John Stevens - he's Mean Girl's Dad! He's made inappropriate comments about their' bods, so he's a creep. But why would a bajillionaire be a bail jumper? Couldn't he just hire a famous attorney and bribe the jury to be found not guilty?
More bounty hunting after the break
