Teenage Bounty Hunters. on Netflix, gets 4.6 out of 5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes. Sure, I could use something mindless and trashy, as long as the girls keep their clothes on. So I'll review Episode 1.1.Scene 1: In a parked car, a teenage girl convinces a highly religious "But it's a sin!" boy, Luke (Spencer House. left), to do it with her by quoting scripture. She quotes John 3:16 and the Shepherd Psalm while mounting him.
I should have tried that when I was a Nazarene!
In the next car over, another teenage girl finishes giving a hand job to Stoner Dude Jennings (Nicholas Cirillo), and then interrogates him on her technique.
Scene 2: The two girls turn out to be twins, Sterling (religious) and Blair (stoner), who discuss their sexcapades on the way home. Suddenly they hit a car. "Jesus, Mother of God!" Religious Sterling cries. Well, she's not Catholic, so how could she know that it's "Mary, Mother of God"?
The guy they hit brandishes a gun, but they quickly subdue him. He thinks they're bounty hunters (hired to track down people who skip bail).
The real bounty hunter shows up: Bowser (Kadeem Hardison, who you might remember from A Different World). Dude runs, and Bowser is too fat to give chase, so the girls grab him. Believing that they are professional bounty hunters, Bowser agrees to share the fee with them.
Scene 3: "What I did for my summer vacation" at a Christian Academy. An entitled girl says: "I was so blessed that my Daddy let us use his helicopter to fly to his lake house for a discipleship week." Gak!
Religious Sterling is chosen to be this year's Christian Discipleship Student Fellowship Leader. But she doesn't want to do it because she's...um...as pure as the driven slush?
Scene 4: Outside the scary Gothic-castle school, Religious Sterling is fake-congratulated by a Mean Girl: "But I'm glad I didn't get it, because I'll be so busy this year with the Young Republicans, Latin Club, the Straight-Straight Alliance..." Har-har
Studdenly Stoner Dude bumps into Religious Sterling. She drops her purse, and a condom falls out. Everyone is shocked! Sin! Abomination!
Sceene 5: The girls go home to their mansion, where Supermodel Mom has made brownies. Dad comes in (bisexual actor Mackenzie Astin, brother of Sean).
Left: Searching for "Mackenzie Astin" and "body" yielded this photo of Scott Bakula and someone who doesn't look like Mac Astin.
And brother Sean in Toy Soldiers.
Scene 6: I'm not sure what the point of Scene 5 was. They call Dad "sir," but otherwise he seems perfectly nice, interested in their activities, not authoritarian or abusive.
They walk through the grounds to the garage to pick up a car, so they can meet with Bowser the Bounty Hunter to collect their $2,500 (don't they get that much allowance every week?)
Scene 7: Yogurtopia, where Bowser the Bounty Hunter has his day job. He gives the girls their money, but it will take a lot more to fix their Dad's best huntin' truck that got wrecked in Scene 2. So he offers them a new job: a richster named John Stevens was arrested for solicitation and assault (he beat up a hooker), and skipped bail. Now he's hanging out in the Men's Parlour, a super-exclusive section of the super-exclusive (that is, white only) country club. Bowser is black, so he can't get in; could the girls do it?
The girls discuss: They know John Stevens - he's Mean Girl's Dad! He's made inappropriate comments about their' bods, so he's a creep. But why would a bajillionaire be a bail jumper? Couldn't he just hire a famous attorney and bribe the jury to be found not guilty?
More bounty hunting after the break
They walk through the grounds to the garage to pick up a car, so they can meet with Bowser the Bounty Hunter to collect their $2,500 (don't they get that much allowance every week?)
Scene 7: Yogurtopia, where Bowser the Bounty Hunter has his day job. He gives the girls their money, but it will take a lot more to fix their Dad's best huntin' truck that got wrecked in Scene 2. So he offers them a new job: a richster named John Stevens was arrested for solicitation and assault (he beat up a hooker), and skipped bail. Now he's hanging out in the Men's Parlour, a super-exclusive section of the super-exclusive (that is, white only) country club. Bowser is black, so he can't get in; could the girls do it?
The girls discuss: They know John Stevens - he's Mean Girl's Dad! He's made inappropriate comments about their' bods, so he's a creep. But why would a bajillionaire be a bail jumper? Couldn't he just hire a famous attorney and bribe the jury to be found not guilty?
More bounty hunting after the break
John Stevens is in the walk-in humidor, smoking cigars, drinking bourbon, and revealing that he didn't actually beat up the hooker -- his business partner did. The girls have a moral crisis -- they can't bring in an innocent guy, creep or not. Isn't that for the court to decide? They return to Bowser empty-handed.
Scene 9: Back at school, Religious Sterling and "It's a Sin" Guy are screwing in the broom closet. Later, he feels guilty and leaves, and Sterling discusses the details with Stoner Blair.
Left: Spence House's butt
Suddenly they get a text: "U2 are dead. Come home immediately. Love, Mom." Oh, no, Dad discovered the damaged truck!
Scene 10: Mom and Dad yell at the girls about the truck. Their punishment: get jobs to pay for the damage, or go to public school, "where the classrooms are just one long bench and a chalkboard on wheels." Gasp!
Scene 11: Bowser eating yogurt. Well, he is roundish. The girls ask for more bounty hunter assignments, and again he says, John Stevens! Solicitation and battery!
Scene 10: Mom and Dad yell at the girls about the truck. Their punishment: get jobs to pay for the damage, or go to public school, "where the classrooms are just one long bench and a chalkboard on wheels." Gasp!
But Stevens is innocent! Bowser tries to explain that guilt/innocence are for the court to decide, not the bounty hunter. I just said that! Plus he shows them security footage from the crime scene -- Stevens is guilty after all! The caper is back on!
Scene 12: Mean Girl is hanging out with her friends, including the fey, gay-coded Ezekial. Played by Eric Graise, a double amputee dancer. He also plays Logan on Locke and Key, so his instagram logo is "God is King, God is Key."
The girls ask Mean Girl to arrange a meeting with her father. She refuses.
Scene 12: Mean Girl is hanging out with her friends, including the fey, gay-coded Ezekial. Played by Eric Graise, a double amputee dancer. He also plays Logan on Locke and Key, so his instagram logo is "God is King, God is Key."
The girls ask Mean Girl to arrange a meeting with her father. She refuses.
Maybe by sleuthing through the geo-tags of her instagram photos, they can find the location of the house where he's hiding out? Nope.
How about setting up a fake social media account with sexy photos and sending a "follow" request to Mr. Stevens. Ta-da!
Scene 13: The girls arrive at Stevens' lake house -- um, I mean lake mansion. They yell at him for beating up the hooker, punch him, knock him out, tie him up, and load him into the car. Case closed. That's it? I expected a lot more complications.
Scene 14: The girls are working at Yogurtopia. Their parents beam with pride. But they're also working as Bowser's assistant bounty hunters! Camera closes in on one of the fugitive photos tacked onto the bulletin board. Gasp -- it's Mom!
Beefcake: Lots of cute guys, but no shirts come off. But no half-naked babes, either.
Scene 13: The girls arrive at Stevens' lake house -- um, I mean lake mansion. They yell at him for beating up the hooker, punch him, knock him out, tie him up, and load him into the car. Case closed. That's it? I expected a lot more complications.
Scene 14: The girls are working at Yogurtopia. Their parents beam with pride. But they're also working as Bowser's assistant bounty hunters! Camera closes in on one of the fugitive photos tacked onto the bulletin board. Gasp -- it's Mom!
Beefcake: Lots of cute guys, but no shirts come off. But no half-naked babes, either.
Left: Mackenzie Astin and the guys nude
Other Scenery: Everyone lives in a mansion. The school is a Gothic monstrosity.
Gay Characters: None specified, but I'm guessing that Ezekial is coming out.
Other Scenery: Everyone lives in a mansion. The school is a Gothic monstrosity.
Gay Characters: None specified, but I'm guessing that Ezekial is coming out.
Update: Ezekial doesn't, but Sterling does, and starts dating Mean Girl!
Heterosexism: Not really. Some sex is going on, but it's not essential to anyone's story.
My Grade: I friggin' love this show. It's like a Nickelodeon teencom with snappier dialogue and sex. Now we just need a gay character. A-
Heterosexism: Not really. Some sex is going on, but it's not essential to anyone's story.
My Grade: I friggin' love this show. It's like a Nickelodeon teencom with snappier dialogue and sex. Now we just need a gay character. A-
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