Matthew Beem hitchikes naked, takes a polar plunge, builds secret rooms to spy on his internet star friends. With four of their d*cks

 I grew up before the internet, so I instinctively think of entertainment as books, movies, and tv programs written and performed by professionals and distributed by corporations. But there's a whole world out there of short form, amateur videos that I had no idea existed. 

Topper Guild posts stories about saving his friend from an evil cult, surviving the strictest school in the world, and so on to his 88 million subscribers.

Matthew Beem, who has "only" eight million subscribers, does wacky DIY projects, like turning his room into a fishbowl, or a building a minecraft maze for his hamster. 

The first two episodes of his Hulu series, Matthew Beem Creator Essentials, introduced me to more multi-million subscriber Internet stars.

 

Episode 1: Matthew renovates iShowSpeed's tour bus, and adds a secret room so he can spy on the dude as he...um...does things.  He's discovered almost immediately, but still, I have to wonder, what was he hoping to see?

IShowSpeed, real name Darren Jason Watkins, Jr. started with gaming, and moved into livestreaming and rap music, gaining 53 million subscribers. He has livestreamed in 67 countries. The Speed Goes Pro tour ended with a concert at the Hollywood Bowl. 

Plus he's won about a dozen Streamer Awards.  And posted pictures of his d*ck. Maybe that's what Matthew wanted to see in his secret room.

In Episode 2. Matthew and his crew do some home improvement projects for his internet star friends:

A custom dog house for Salish Matter, who started with posts about her daily skincare routine, gaining 3.5 million subscribers.  She started her own skincare brand at age 16, and also posts about gymnastics and family "matters" with her father, Jordan (here being pranked by another youtuber).

Next Matthew and his crew create  a gaming room for the Costco Guys, including mock-ups of their Juiceful packages, a giant chocolate chip cookie, and the world's biggest Pokemon card. 

More after the break

Topper Guild: The youtube star breaks into tv. With Kaido Roberts, muscle men, Nick d*ck, and Topper playing with balls

 

 Something called Topper Guild Creator Essentials appeared in my Hulu recommendations.  I had no idea what it was, but the guy was cute, so I clicked on it.

Episode 1.1, "Roblox 99 Nights in the Forest in Real Life," begins in media res, with Topper, the cameraman Shutters, and a bounty hunter searching in the woods for their pal Kaido (Kaido Lee Roberts, left).  And Topper's "brain rot," whatever that is.

They discover that he has been kidnapped by cultists wearing red robes and deer masks.  

While Shutters researches the cult online, Topper, Mike the Bounty Hunter, and a muscular cop track down four other missing kids.  Each requires a different challenge to be rescued:

Dino Kid: A bucket of roaches.

Kraken Kid: A pool of sticky glop.

 

Squid Kid: A stinky, used cultist robe.  The kid asks for Topper's autograph before he escapes, suggesting that the guy is famous.

Koala Kid: Attacking the cultist guards.  At this point the Cop goes home.  I don't know why.

They are deliberately over-acting, usually while addressing the camera.  Animated images of their thoughts appear over their heads, and there are other animations for no apparent reason.  When Topper tells us "Guys, they're tied up!", the ropes start to glow.  When he says "Maybe I can find something useful in this box," the box starts to glow.  

 I think this sort of thing happens on a show for preschoolers: "Can you find the object that doesn't belong at the beach?  Right, the snowman."  But this isn't for preschoolers; it's rated PG. 

Topper and Mike the Bounty Hunter discover that Kaido is being prepared for sacrifice in the King's mansion, so they go undercover as cultists. Mike is captured, and tied up next to their friend.

Topper/Cultist claims that the King sent him to beat up the captives. While punching, he slips Mike a knife, allowing him to cut the ropes and knock out the guards.  All three escape in Topper's van.

The "brain rot" turns out to be a cutout of a squat, square humanoid formed from the number 6-7 (the meaningless number that kid chant to annoy adults).

Three cast members are listed, but only Kaido Lee Roberts appears on the IMDB: he stars in some of Dhar Man's clickbait videos.

And Topper Guild?  Not really a guild, the guy's name.

Born in 2002, Topper Guild grew up in Los Angeles, but now lives in Austin, Texas.  When he was 12 years old, he began posting humorous pranks and challenges on social media platforms.  He soon gained 84 million youtube subscribers, plus 34 million followers on Tiktok, and 1.3 million on Instagram.

The videos became more elaborate,with fictionalized plots and characters:

"I Build a Secret Room for Ronaldo"

"I Murdered K-Pop Demon Hunters"

"Surviving Evil Kids"

More after the break. Caution: explicit.