The Mick (2017-2019) was a Fox sitcom (and you know what that means: raunch) starring Kaitlyn Olson of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (and you know what that means: raunch).A low-life grifter, she becomes the guardian of her upscale sister's kids after the parents flee the country to avoid a federal prosecution. It doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but Episode 1.2, "The Wolf," features both Scotty McArthur and Andy Favreau, who are definitely my cup of tea, so let's review.
Scene 1: Mick: "You've never sucked anything before." Her boyfriend Jimmy (Scotty McArthur): "I'm sucking as hard as I can, ok?" Mick: "It's not coming! Suck harder!" Actually, guys, a successful blow job is more about the lip and tongue act...psych! He's not giving a blow job, he's sucking gas out of a car in a show room, so they can steal a different car. Meanwhile, hetero-horny teen Chip (Thomas Babusca) impresses a lollipop-sucking girl by bragging about all the cool cars he'll drive when he gets his license.
Horny Teen brags to Mick and Jimmy about the girl he met on an online dating site; he's sending her money fo air fare so she can fly over from Russia for a visit. Scam! The grown-ups laugh at him. "You know nothing about the real world."
Scene 2: Mick, her young adult niece Sabrina, and another lady drinking beer in the kitchen. Niece tells them that her boyfriend Kai, introduced in an earlier episode, is back from studying furniture design in Scandinavia, and taking her out to dinner. And here he comes, in a muscle shirt! But he ordered Chinese delivery instead of going out, which makes Niece angry. And he didn't actually go to furniture school, because the application wasn't in English. "Loser!" Mick exclaims.
Mick's boyfriend Jimmy comes in and starts eating the kung pao chicken with his hands. Mick notes that he used to be hot, but he let himself go, "grew breasts," and became into a slob. And now Kai is on the same path. Niece doesn't believe it.
Scene 3: Horny Teen at the luggage carousel at the airport, holding a bouquet of flowers, while Mick films him for humiliation. There's only one bag left: a long-haired blond picks it up. Horny Teen rushes to hug...a guy! Gender misidentification joke, yuck. Mick is jubilant: "Watching you being destroyed was so good!" Hey, you're the guardian. How about comforting the kid?
She explains. The world is full of wolves and sheep. Mick and the Russian girlfriend are wolves, taking advantage of people. Horny Teen is a sheep, getting taken advantage of. But he could change, learn to be a wolf. "Sure, what the hell."
Scene 4: In a grocery story for the first lesson: a wolf takes what it needs. Mick orders Horny Teen to steal a bag of chips. He hides a bag under his shirt, and immediately is caught by the security guard.
Out in the parking lot, Mick is eating the fried chicken that she stole. She was using Horny Teen as a distraction! Lesson 2: Never trust another wolf.
Scene 5: Kai and Jimmy bonding in a sauna. Jimmy: "Turns out he was Mormon all along." You discussing an old boyfriend, dude? Niece enters and wonders what they are up to. "We got a friendship cooking." Tell me more....
She asks Kai about his goals for the future. "Nothing, just hanging out with Jimmy...and you, of course." "Well, get some goals, or people will think you're a loser."
Scene 6: Off-track betting joint. Next lesson: how to spot a sheep. Horny Teen suggests the guy waving money around like a jackass. The scam: you get mussed up, slip your wallet into the guy's pocket, and claim that he mugged you for your winning ticket. The haul is $38 -- but they also ruined a $1,000 suit and sent a guy to jail!
Left: Andy's dick
Scene 7: Back home, Horny Teen is done -- this is totally immoral! Besides -- his online girlfriend is here! She was detained by ICE, and she didn't have a cell phone to call on. Horny Teen gives her some money for a cell phone and asks the maid to make up the guest room for her. Don't you, like, want to have sex with her? Mick isn't buying it: she's a wolf. The scam is continuing.
Scene 8: Kai in a towel, getting ready for a meeting. "Oh boy," Niece thinks, "He's looking for a job!" Nope, his meeting is with Jimmy -- also in a towel -- about their new business. Women like hot guys, and they can't fix anything around the house, so Stud Nailers, shirtless household repair. Hey, that's sexist and heteronormative! Lots of ladies can fix things, and lots of guys like hot guys.
They hug: "Having a business partner who's also a friend takes off a lot of the pressure." Aww, why don't you kiss him? Oh, right, your girlfriend is there. "Now let's go hit that sauna." Butt grab. Gay subtext just turned into text.
Scene 9: Dinner: pizza. Jimmy and Kai found a van for the Stud Nailers business. Good idea. Photos of shirtless guys with big..um...hammers. The Horny Teen's Girlfriend suggests a web show. Also a good idea: Actually, that show already exists: "Flip the Strip."
Niece tries to discourage them. What's her problem? Does she think that the guys are actually having sex?
Next: Mick asks the Girlfriend about her intentions. What does a wolf like her want with a sheep like Horny Teen? Reveal: She likes him because he is a sheep, kind and gentle. "He will neve hurt me."Aww. She's had to do a lot of things to survive.
Jimmy: "We've all had to do things to survive." Tell us about your hustler days, dude.
There are two more nude photos after the break. Plus the most disgusting concluding scene in television history.
Scene 10: Jimmy siphoning gas from the car showroom again. Niece appears and orders him to stop seeing Kai. "Your life is dark and depressing, and I don't want his to be like that, too." But Jimmy is the most positive person in the household!
Left: Kevin Csolak, who appears in another episode.
Jimmy refuses to throw away a great friendship. He really loves Kai, and......."$2,000? He's history!" What? Surely he's playing with Niece. He'll take the money and continue the friendship.
Scene 11: Mick and the maid fill the Girlfriend's knapsack with stolen stuff in order to "prove" that she's up to no good. "We're just speeding up the inevitable! And it's gonna be so fun."
Scene 12: The morose Jimmy goes to the sauna. "Pop those jeans off!" Kai exclaims. Right, can't get a blow job with your pants on.
Scene 13: After the Girlfriend leaves, the family discovers that they have been "robbed," and blame her. Problem: Horny Teen was upset over being called a sheep, and sent her home. Their stuff is gone for real.
I'm looking nervously at the minutes remaining. Only like two minutes left for the big reveal that Jimmy and Kai are back together.
Niece is also upset because: "Kai didn't come to bed last night. I know you didn't break up with him." So she thinks Kai slept with Jimmy last night? That would mean that they're lovers.
Any second now Kai is going to emerge in a towel and kiss Jimmy, and call him Babe....or at least reveal that they're still friends. Any second now.
Jimmy insists: "I broke up with him in the sauna." Mick: "What's that smell?"
Ulp -- the door was warped. He couldn't get out! He's dead! They watch morosely as the EMTs bring down the body.
WTF.....WTF.....WTF....
This may be the worst tv show I have ever seen, rivaling Burn after Reading for sheer incredulous, jaw-dropping "Why?" Who could possibly believe that this horrifying, pit-of-despair gloomfest populated by despicable characters and killing a main character was a positive viewing experience?
Fuck the Sadness. I need an episode of Workaholics.
If you've gotten this far, see Ride Share, with Andy Favreau
The Naked Thugs: the thugs who tried to take down Eli in Gemstones Episode 1.3, plus a chubby guy bonus.
It's Always Sunny: Mac gets fat, Charlie refuses sex, and Michael O'Hearn flexes
And Workaholics Episode 5.5, about how to not betray your friends.
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