Jonathan Lipnicki: The most surprising skinny kid to muscleman transformation of the 2000s. And he's an ally. With Jon's backside and Boo-Boo's dick

 

Born in October 1990, Jonathan Lipnicki became a famous actor at the age of five, playing Tom Cruise's son in Jerry Maguire (1996); comedian Jeff Foxworthy's son on his show (1996-97); and the charge of wacky alien-nanny Bronson Pinchot in Meego (1997). 

Then came four box office-topping movies:

Stuart Little (1999) and Stuart Little 2 (2002): His new brother is a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox.

The Little Vampire (2000): He has a gay-subtext buddy bond with a vampire, which becomes even more blatant in the animated remake, The Little Vampire 3D (2017).

Like Mike (2002): His buddy finds a pair of magic sneakers that allow him to become a basketball superstar.

Between 1996 and 2002, Jonathan was a superstar.  He appeared on every talk show you could name -- Leno, Letterman, Rosie O'Donnell, Sharon Osbourne. He presented at the American Comedy, Kids' Choice, and British Comedy Awards. He won a Critics' Choice Award.  The media went crazy when he appeared at the Spiderman premiere with Daryl Sabara, the second most famous child star of the 2000s.

Then he started fading away, with movies like When Zachary Beaver Came to Town (2003) and The Teacher from the Black Lagoon (2003), and occasional guest spots.  You could see him on Dawson's Creek, Touched by an Angel, and Monk, but you probably didn't.

It wasn't due to lack of talent. Jonathan was being bullied, branded a "has-been," told "you'll never book a job again,"  harassed with homophobic slurs, attacked for "being gay" (although he's actually straight), "made to feel like garbage every day" through middle school and high school.  He was suffering from anxiety, depression, and nearly daily panic attacks.  His battle with depression is ongoing, but his Jewish faith helps.  And working out. 

Around 2008, a rash of "Where is he now?" articles appeared, with detailed attention paid to Jonathan's increasingly buffed physique.  He was playing water polo and basketball, training in mixed martial arts, and lifting weights.

If you last saw him as a cute kid holding hands with a vampire, the change was astounding.

Becoming a muscleman didn't exactly restore Jonathan to superstardom, but he was very busy, starring in Youthful Daze (2014-15) and Interns of FIELD (2016), Mr. Student Body President (2017-18), and Joe Schmo (2025); plus many movies and shorts.

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He shows his butt in Pitching Tents (2017).  A high school senior has to decide whether to go to work in the factory or study art. Also, he and his buds kiss girls.  I think Jonathan plays one of the friends.  Booboo Stewart (d*ck after the break) plays another.

More after the break

Life is Still Unfair: "Malcolm in the Middle" returns, with a super-jerky Malcolm, a nude Hal, and a nonbinary sibling. Plus Francis and Alex dicks .

Malcolm in the Middle (2000-2006) starred Frankie Muniz as Malcolm, the genius son in a struggling, working-class family with four boys.  I watched mainly because it was inserted into the must-see Sunday night lineup on Fox: Futurama, King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, Family Guy, American Dad. 

 I don't remember many of Malcolm's plotlines, but I liked the delinquent older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) in military school amid hunky gay-subtext dormmates, then moving to Alaska with his...um...best buddy.

Left: Christopher, artistic interpretation.

And middle brother Reese (Justin Berfield), who had so many queer codes that I expected a coming-out episode -- until the spineless writers lost their nerve and gave him a girlfriend. 

20 years have passed, and three of the four brothers (plus their parents, buddies, marital partners, and kids) are back in a four-part miniseries on Hulu.

Scene 1: Suited 40-year old Malcolm tells a reporter that his company does tech stuff to hook up grocery store chains with food banks, so their unsold merchandise goes to people who need it.  Then, addressing the audience, he brags that he is rich, successful, and infinitely happy. And he did it all by cutting off his family. 

I'm not happy about the "Looking at me, I'm so much better than you!"  And your family was not abusive. Cutting them off is cold.

Scene 2: At the house, Mom Lois is shaving Dad Hal's back hair, while he stands naked in front of a laptop, face timing with youngest son Dewey. We're supposed to find this disgusting, but Hal has a perfectly presentable physique for a 70 year old (butt after the break).

Dewey (now played by Caleb Ellsworth-Clark) is performing before King Carl Gustaf of Sweden.  And he brags about his numerous girlfriends. Was the original series this annoyingly heterosexist?

Did you remember that Hal and Lois had a fifth child in a late-series "Why not have a wacky birth?" plot arc?   I didn't, but, but here they are: the young adult Kelly (Vaughan Murrae), who is nonbinary.  

Hal makes a big show of not understanding their pronouns: "We're going shopping.  Does them want to come?"   But Kelly fights back: "Him can't come with we. Us have homework."

In other news, Lois and Hal's big anniversary party is coming up.

Scene 3: On the way home, Malcolm continues to brag about how cutting off his family changed his life: "I don't act like a sociopath.  I'm less angry, more mature. But whenever I'm around them, I revert."  Montage of Malcolm yelling at a family dinner, at a funeral, when his brother criticizes him for bragging about his car.  Now he lives far away, and avoids holiday visits, but a stream of phone calls and emails makes them think that he still cares.

Cut to Hal and Lois at a big box store, looking for a ruby garland.   Craig (David Anthony Higgins), who used to be Lois's boss with a crush on her, pops up to explain why he's no longer working at the drug store.

Suddenly Hal and his old musical group perform an a capella love song -- right in the aisle!    Well, not a love song, precisely: "Your sex takes me to paradise..."

 I remember that group vaguely -- he's the only white member, but he feels left out because the other guys are more successful.  Didn't they also prank Lois's racist mother?

Left: Musical group member Alex Morris, probably.

Lois is embarrassed by the "romantic gesture."  Could they do something likes, for a change?  

Scene 4:  Back to Malcolm.  He introduces his daughter Leah, "a trophy I won for attending my first kegger in college Her mother left three days after giving birth.  I'm a single father, but I'm good at it!"

Cut to Leah crying in her room.  She addresses the camera, explaining that she doesn't cry all the time. She usually does depressed apathy or rage.

Malcolm wants to know what's wrong: she's isolated at school, with no friends, and Mean Girls prank her. 

"Don't worry, it will get better once you go away to college and cut me off."

Mom Lois calls, insisting that they come to the anniversary party. This is her third text, so Malcolm has to strategize, explaining why he didn't answer the others in a way that makes it look like he cares.

More after the break