Kyle Pacek: Satanic bass player, sea monster, Estrada fan, horse-hung mystic. But how big in real life? And is he into dudes?

 In American Horror Story, Episode 13.4, the Satanists have resurrected 13 evil women from history, such as Margaret Thatcher and Eva Braun, as well as some who were just sexually active. in order to sacrifice them to Satan.  Before the ceremony, they are entertertained y the resurrected Elsa Mars, the 1930s performer from "Freak Show" (Season 4).  She sings the Peggy Lee classic  "Is That all There Is" (which she can't know about, since it came out in 1969), accompanied by her band of sideshow performers.

I didn't notice during "Freak Show," but the bass player, Kyle Pacek, is very muscular.  I need to conduct more research. 

Kyle was born in New Hampshire in 1988, and attended Keane University, graduating with a degree in Occupational Safety and Technology in 2011.  He started a business "selling parts, gear, and accessories for Powersports," which are not actually sports: they're motorized all-terrain vehicles used for zooming up and down mountains and such.

Shortly after graduation, Kyle was spotted by a Disney recruiter, and asked if he would be interested in playing a Munchkin in Oz, The Great and Powerful.  

I reviewed it a few years ago: awful, heterosexist to the max.  Not a good start to a gay-friendly career, buddy.

He was only supposed to work for two weeks, but while filming he was asked to perform in two more movies.  He still does the Power Sports thing, but acting and stuntwork have taken over.  He's been in dozens of commercials and music videos, eight films, and 33 tv shows, including The Middle, The Gilmore Girls, The Last Ship, and Agent Carter. 

And the Sigmund and the Sea Monsters reboot (2016-17). I always thought that the title was a misnomer, since Sigmund (Mark Povinelli) is a sea monster, ejected from his family group for not being scary enough. Kyle's role is not specified.   

He is best known for:

The Romanoffs (2018): An anthology about reputed descendants of the Romanoff dynasty.  In Episode 1.1, Kyle plays the mystic and charlatan Rasputin in a stage show on a cruise ship. Jack Huston (left) plays Rasputin in a later episode.

By the way, Rasputin's 12-13 inch penis is reputedly on display at the St. Petersberg Museum of Erotica, but penis experts say that it is probably a horse penis.

The I-Land: 10 people, including Kyle Schmidt (left),  awaken on an island with no memory or who they are or how they got there. As far as I can tell, all are straight. Kyle does stuntwork in seven episodes.

Earth To Ned (2020-21). Aliens Ned and Cornelius host a talk show. Kyle played Cornelius in four episodes. 

The Mandalorian (2019-23): In the Star Wars universe, the Mandalorian (Pedro Pascal), a sort of mercenary, is tasked with transporting the magical baby Grogu.  Kyle plays Jawa the Hut and a Bounty Hunter.

Not much gay content here.

More after the break

Joey Pollari: American Horror Story's Ben has flirted with Nick Robinson and kissed Tab Hunter, but is he gay in real life? With Nick and Joey dicks

 Last night we watched the premiere of American Horror Story, Season 13, entitled "13."  It was about what you would expect from AHS: an opening where "Are you scared?" sounds like "Great skin," heavy-handed symbolism,  people introduced with their back turned so we'll be surprised when they turn around, gore, homophobia, and a lot of cute guys.  In this case, just one cute guy, Ben (Joe Pollari), who has triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13).  

Unfortunately, he is dating a girl with triskaidekaphilia (love of the number 13). For her birthday (on the 13th), she wants to visit the 13 Cayman Islands with her 12 closest friends (making 13).  Ben doesn't want to go, for obvious reasons, but at the last moment, he decides to make a mad dash to the airport, and board Flight 1313, where he is in seat 13d. The plane crashes, and everyone is killed -- except Ben.

Next he gets a job as a hospice aid to an infinitely wealthy vampire-like being whose apartment is full of Satanic imagery, plus the real Last Supper (with Jesus and 12 disciples making 13).   Meanwhile,  a coven of witches gets upset because "something wicked this way comes," a serial killer clown murders 12 students and the teacher at a clown college (making 13), and Jessica Lange resurrects a lot of characters who died in previous seasons (including two Evan Peters). 

Heck with a review. Let's just profile the hunky Joey Pollari.  

Joey was born in 1994, grew up in Minneapolis, and broke into acting after attending a scouting event -- the next day agents started calling.  After taking acting lessons and doing a guest spot on Cold Case, he landed his first starring role in Disney's Skyrunners (2009). Tyler (Joey) stumbles upon a spaceship, which gives him magical powers.  He uses them to help his older brother Nick (Kelly Blatz) win The Girl of His Dreams.  

Well, at least Tyler isn't winning a girl.

Next he starred in The In-Betweeners (2012), about four high schoolers who are virgins and want to get laid.  With girls.  It was on MTV, what do you expect?  

Eden (2014) is Lost without the paranormal: A soccer team (plus The Girl) is stranded on a desert island.  As far as I can tell, there's no gay content, but Michael Cardelle (left) shows his stuff.

The gay roles begin with the anthology series American Crime, Season 2 (2014).  A high school student is  outed when "incriminating" photos are published online.  He accuses three jocks, including Erik (Joey), of drugging and raping him.  Then Erik is forcibly outed, and claims that it was consensual.  Then Taylor murders one of them.  It's all very sordid, and I thought we had moved beyond "being gay is a horrible secret that can never be revealed." 

Love, Simon (2018), a movie about a closeted high schooler (Nick Robinson) who has to wrangle finding the identity of his crush and dealing with a blackmailer who threatens to reveal his secret.  Another terrible secret that must never be revealed?  I'm seeing some internalized homophobia in these portrayals

Left: Mr. Man says that Nick is the guy with the cock shot.

More after the break