"American Sports Story": Football player turned murderer, with evangelical homophobia everywhere
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Gemstones Episode 1.1: Kelvin is in love with a Goth boy, Judy with an atheist, and Gideon with the Devil. Plus nude dudes from Chengdu
I figured that we would have Righteous Gemstones Season 4 by now, or at least a cast list to profile, but nothing so far, so let's do some more Season 1 reviews.
Episode Title: Same as the series, "The Righteous Gemstones." Danny McBride has not commented on the origin, but in the Book of Exodus, Aaron's breastplate contains twelve gemstones, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, and in Ephesians, we are told to "put on the Breastplate of Righteousness." Maybe some Evangelical preachers make the connection, and apply Christian virtues to the twelve gemstones. Maybe someone in McBride's childhood even called them "righteous gemstones."
Who is More of a Man?: Chengdu, in southwestern China. Beneath an advertisement for "24 Hours of Saved Souls," a woman is singing in Mandarin, while hundreds of people file into a swimming pool to be baptized by missionary Eli Gemstone (Dan Conner of Roseanne) or his adult children. Jesse, the oldest (Danny McBride of Vice Principals), complains that his brother Kelvin (Adam Devine of Workaholics) is dipping the converts too far, getting water in their noses. Kelvin disgrees. Suddenly someone turns on waves and disco music, people lose their footing, it's chaos!
Left: Fireman from Chengdu. Or somewhere in China, anyway.
The Gemstones return home, and are greeted by Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man, and his secretary Judy, the third Gemstone child, who complains that she didn't get to go, even though she learned "Ni hao" (Hello). Jesse argues that missionary work is for only men, and she counters: "I'm more of a man than Kelvin is." Jesse agrees. Is this a gay reference?
The three men are chauffeured, in three identical cars, through a huge estate with a golf course, amusement park, and private police force. Ok, Eli is not a missionary; he has a televangelism empire like Jimmy Swaggart's
They are dropped off at their houses. First Eli, greeted by a staff of 15 women. Then Jesse, greeted by his wife, Amber, and children, Pontius and Abraham. Then Kelvin, greeted by no one. So his plot arc will be about finding someone.
Kelvin and the Vampire: Kelvin walks into his game room, and starts sorting his mail. Suddenly a half-naked man appears in the doorway, lowering from a sit-up bench like a vampire rising from his coffin -- next to an Egyptian mummy case. This is the Land of the Dead.
He says "Hello, friend," more threat than greeting.
Kelvin: "You scared the bullcrud out of me!"
Left: At the gym
The Vampire: "I'm sorry, man. I'd like to keep your bullcrud in." Another reference to butts.
Kelvin didn't like China: "Jesse was riding me the whole time, fully up my butt." Second butt reference, this one alluding to anal sex.
Kelvin asks for a hug. Keefe reluctantly approaches. "So happy you're home," he whispers.
He continues to criticize Jesse for not "letting me be me."
Is this a reference to Kelvin being gay? Will he come out during this season, or is he already out?
After a bro fist-bump, Kelvin asks (his friend has not yet been named, but we'll call him Keefe) how the housesitting went.
It went fine. Keefe slept in Kelvin's room one night, "But it felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch." The huge house must have a dozen guest rooms. Why the couch?
Kelvin: "Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed. I told you you could." Is he easing Keefe into the idea of sleeping with him, so sex can happen by "accident"?
Keefe didn't like being in Kelvin's room: "The energy in there is just unsettling. It's lonely" Very insightful. He can sense Kelvin's loneliness. There's no one in his life, no friends, no romantic partner. He doesn't realize it yet, but he is, in the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "screaming for love." .
Kelvin thanks him for looking after the place: "Home-run friendship." Keefe is appreciative: "I know not everybody wanted me here." House-sitting? Why would the family care?
Timeline problem: Keefe was a Satanist before he and Kelvin met. Maybe Kelvin even brought him to Christ. How long have they known each other? In a future episode, Keefe's Satanist friends wonder why he hasn't been around lately, so just a few weeks. But there's a faded 666 tattoo on Keefe's chest. Laser tattoo removal takes 6-10 sessions, scheduled 6-8 weeks apart. Did Keefe start the removal long before he met Kelvin, or did the writers goof? .
Keefe decides to return to his apartment: "I'm pretty bushed. Gonna go soak in a tub. " It's the middle of the day! You haven't seen your friend in a week or so. Why don't you want to stick around? Are you worried about things heading in a direction you're not ready for?
"No, man!" Kelvin pleads. "Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixie Sticks." Staying up past your bedtime? Eating sugar? Are you planning a sexual encounter or a junior high sleepover?
Keefe refuses politely. "That sounds good, but I really need a soak...I like to turn it up real hot." A sexual double-entendre. Keefe is overtly excluding Kelvin from his erotic life, saying "I'm going to have sex, but you're not invited."
As the hug ends, Kelvin looks devastated. He is desperate for some kind of physical connection, but Keefe is leaving. He's so flustered that he can't even return Keefe's "Night-night" properly.
Kelvin seems to be pushing for a sexual relationship, but Keefe isn't sure. He's been saved (converted) for only a few weeks. He might find Kelvin attractive, but the power differential is enormous, and maybe he's been abused by clergy before. It's best to reject overtures that sound too sexual, play it cool, and see what happens.
Nude Chengdu dudes after the break
Steve Bond: Tarzan costar turned Playgirl model turned soap hunk, all in the steamy 1970s.
The October 1975 issue of Playgirl featured several nude photos of model/actor Steve Bond. They quickly became the most famous male nude photos in the world (not counting those of Christopher George)
Not because of his size beneath the equator, though he was huge.
Because of the contrast.
The last time anyone had seen Steve Bond, the 14-year old Israeli actor, born Schlomo Goldberg, was making his screen debut: he played Erik in a Tarzan movie (1968) with Mike Henry.
Seven years makes a big difference.
After one or two more guest roles, Steve went back home to Israel, finished high school, and completed his mandatory military service. Now he was in L.A. again, ready to hit the big time. The nude photos came at a moment of desperation, when he was flat broke
Unfortunately, posing in your birthday suit was still controversial in 1975, and Steve found it difficult getting the attention of casting directors. During the next decade, he played some street toughs, some sexploitation studs, a Chippendales dancer, and a forest ranger investigating some teen murders (in The Prey, 1984).
He showed his butt a lot, but only when he was sexing naked ladies.
Finally, hoping that the nude pictures were long forgotten, he landed one of the defining roles of his career, redneck Jimmy Lee Holt on General Hospital (1983-87).
No such luck. In 1985, an eagle-eyed editor at Playgirl discovered the old photos, and reprinted them. Steve was devastated. What would happen when the General Hospital producers found out? Would he be fired?
Answer after the break
Lou Ferrigno: My Late-Night Hookup with The Incredible Hulk
It wasn't as much fun as it sounds. The articles were often heterosexist, we featured female bodybuilders as often as male, and I didn't get to actually watch many photo shoots.
But I did get to talk to some bodybuilders, including Lou Ferrigno: Mr. America, Mr. Universe, Hercules, and The Incredible Hulk
He was most famous for The Incredible Hulk, about ten years before. I never watched, but I knew the basic premise: It starred Bill Bixby as David Banner (changed from the Marvel comics' Bruce, which the network censored deemed too gay). After the death of his wife, of course, he experiments with human strength, and Jekyl-Hydes himself into Ferrigno's green-skinned man-mountain: "Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
One day Ferrigno came in with Bill Bixby. I thought they looked like a gay couple.
A few days later, he came in by himself for a photo shoot.
"Hi, Mr. Ferrigno." I called. "Where's Bill?"
"I left him home, chained up in the basement."
"Can I come take a look?"
He grinned, clapped a huge hand on my back, and walked on.
Asking around, I was told: "Ferrigno is straight, but he won't say no to a late-night blow job."
One day Ferrigno came in with Bill Bixby. I thought they looked like a gay couple.
A few days later, he came in by himself for a photo shoot.
"Hi, Mr. Ferrigno." I called. "Where's Bill?"
"I left him home, chained up in the basement."
"Can I come take a look?"
He grinned, clapped a huge hand on my back, and walked on.
Asking around, I was told: "Ferrigno is straight, but he won't say no to a late-night blow job."
I kept a lookout for Ferrigno's next appearance. It came near Halloween, when I was working reception, a part of the job I hated.
"You got a promotion, I see," he said with a cruisy smile.
"I'm a jack of all trades around here, but usually I'm in editorial."
"Then be sure to spell my name right."
"Only if you spell mine right. I'd better write it down for you."
He didn't object, so I wrote it on a piece of paper. "And my phone number, in case you have any questions."
"Good idea. I might have questions."
He put the number in his pocket and went off to his appointment. About half an hour later, he came through the lobby again and stopped at my desk. "Do you like ____?"
I didn't understand his deaf accent (Ferrigno has 80% hearing loss). "Mexican food?" Was he asking me out? "Sure. What time...."
Then someone else came in, and he mouthed "I'll call you," and left.
At least that's what I think he said.
I told all my friends that I had a date with Lou Ferrigno, and waited for his call.
It never came, so I forgot about it-- I was giving my phone number to a lot of people at the time.
Then one night in January shortly after Alan the Pentecostal Porn Star and I broke up, I was at home, watching tv and doing some reading for my seminar in Dante at USC, when Lou knocked on my door!
"Is this a good time?" he asked.
My one-room apartment was a mess -- unmade bed, dinner dishes out, books and papers everywhere. Besides, I was in my bathrobe, and I hadn't brushed my teeth since dinner. But who's going to say no?
He collapsed onto the bed. "Boy, I'm tired. I could use a nap."
"Ok, let's take a nap."
I climbed onto the bed next to him, and he wrapped a huge arm around me. I moved up and started unbuttoning his shirt and kissing his chest.
"I'm a jack of all trades around here, but usually I'm in editorial."
"Then be sure to spell my name right."
"Only if you spell mine right. I'd better write it down for you."
He didn't object, so I wrote it on a piece of paper. "And my phone number, in case you have any questions."
"Good idea. I might have questions."
He put the number in his pocket and went off to his appointment. About half an hour later, he came through the lobby again and stopped at my desk. "Do you like ____?"
I didn't understand his deaf accent (Ferrigno has 80% hearing loss). "Mexican food?" Was he asking me out? "Sure. What time...."
Then someone else came in, and he mouthed "I'll call you," and left.
At least that's what I think he said.
I told all my friends that I had a date with Lou Ferrigno, and waited for his call.
It never came, so I forgot about it-- I was giving my phone number to a lot of people at the time.
Then one night in January shortly after Alan the Pentecostal Porn Star and I broke up, I was at home, watching tv and doing some reading for my seminar in Dante at USC, when Lou knocked on my door!
"Is this a good time?" he asked.
My one-room apartment was a mess -- unmade bed, dinner dishes out, books and papers everywhere. Besides, I was in my bathrobe, and I hadn't brushed my teeth since dinner. But who's going to say no?
He collapsed onto the bed. "Boy, I'm tired. I could use a nap."
"Ok, let's take a nap."
I climbed onto the bed next to him, and he wrapped a huge arm around me. I moved up and started unbuttoning his shirt and kissing his chest.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit
Stephen Louis Grush: from Pericles to Peter's militia, with lots of gay roles and a few dicks in between
Stephen Louis Grush grew up in New Orleans, and graduated from Roosevelt University in Chicago with a BFA in Theater. He has over 30 credits on the IMDB, often in projects that emphasize gay subtexts, or texts.
In Catch Hell (2014), two toughs (Stephen Louis Grush, Ian Barford) kidnap a Hollywood actor (Ryan Philippe) with the intent of torturing and killing him. They do a lot of torturing, but Junior (Stephen) also falls in love with him.
Ryan Phillippe's butt as Junior prepares to...you know.
Stephen's butt and dick, as they strugle.
In Gracepoint (2014), Stephen plays a plumber's apprentice who may be gay, accused of murdering a small boy.
More Grush after the break. Caution: explicit.
"Decline and Fall": Theology student sent down for immorality in 1930s Oxford, with Oxfordian dicks and bums
After Brideshead Revisited appeared on television in 1982, everyone thought that Evelyn Waugh was a gay writer, and started buying up the original novel from 1945, as well as his other novels, Decline and Fall and Vile Bodies. Turns out that he was straight-ish, regretted the gay romances of his Oxford years, and thought of same-sex love as decadent and immoral, or at best adolescent experimentation that you give up once you are old enough for the "real love" of a woman. So I don't expect the 2017 BBC adaption of his Decline and Fall, streaming on Amazon Prime, to have any gay characters.
Or maybe not. Waugh derived the title and central theme from The Decline and Fall of the West, by Otto Spengler, which theorizes that societies inevitably decline into moral decadence. Including LGBT people. So maybe there will be some homophobia.
Scene 1: The Bollinger Club at Scone College, Oxford -- har, har -- is trashing their common room. Meanwhile, quiet theology student Paul Pennyfeather (Jack Whitehall, top photo) is sitting quietly with his friend Potts (Matthew Beard, left), who wants to go to a church tomorrow and "make some rubbings." He means rubbings of tombstones, but...har, har. Paul refuses, whereupon the friend says "I'll make some rubbings for you." I'll bet you will...
On his way home, Paul runs afoul of the Bollinger Club, who strip him naked and force him to run across the quad. Although he is not responsible, he is expelled from Oxford for "moral malfeasance."
Scene 2: Generally men sent down for moral failings become schoolmasters, and there's a position available in Llanaba, Wales, to teach English, French, German, Latin, and coach cricket. Paul doesn't speak German, but the job agent tells him to fake it.
Scene 3: Paul arrives at Llanaba, finds his way to the school, which is actually quite ornate, and is introduced to Captain Grimes (Douglas Hodge), just as he is disciplining a student for whistling. The other students were whistling, too, but "it makes no difference." He gets 100 lines, and next time a beating.
Then the Headmaster and his daughters, whom Paul snubs. Not into girls, are you? He's in charge of the fifth form (15-16 year olds), games, carpentry, and fire drill, and he'll be giving Best-Chedwyth organ lessons. "But I don't play the organ." "You do now."
Scene 4: The shabby Fifth Form classroom. Headmaster advises Paul not to mention why he was sent down, and rushes away.. The students make fun of "Good morning" and role call, lock his desk drawer, and give him trick chalk.
Scene 5: After the first class debacle, he rushes to the common room, and meets the hard-drinking Prendergast: "You'll hate it here. I do. We all do." Then to his room to unpack his stuff and be depressed.
Cut to dinner: teachers have to eat with their students. Paul is still depressed, the students still disrespectful, the food greenish slop.
Afterwards, Captain Grimes escorts him to the pub. They discuss the Headmaster's two daughters; Grimes is engaged to "the haybale," leaving "the male one" for Paul.
About the Fifth Formers: Don't try to teach them anything, just keep them quiet and beat them. Grimes isn't cut out for teaching; he keeps getting sacked at private schools for "doing things," but fortunately he's a public school alumnus so he always gets another job. In Britain, "public schools" are like the private schools in America.
During the War, he "did something" that almost resulted in a firing squad, but because he was a public school alumnus, they just transfered him to Ireland, where you can "do things" without penalty. Same-sex acts? But they wouldn't get you a death sentence in Britain at the time
The leering Philbrick (Stephen Graham, left) approaches and asks if either of them would fancy a woman tonight. You got any men? They refuse. Grimes says that he doesn't really fancy women.
More after the break
Cory Chapman: Lots of man friends, some gay roles, a queer buddy, nude costars. So where's the beef?
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