The Wrong Paris, a romcom about a girl who thinks she's going to Paris, France, but...you get the idea...dropped on Netflix with this photo, so I'm in. At least until I determine if there are any gay characters, maybe the standard femme gay assistant or shade-casting best buddy saying "Girl, forget your career -- you need a man!"
Scene 1: Focus character Dawn (Miranda Cosgrove of ICarly), wearing overalls, is welding something in the barn of her stereotype-country farm. She checks the mail, then goes into the house. Geez, it's full of girls. She has like 83 sisters and no brothers. They discuss their Dead Mom, whose only goal in life was to see Dawn go to the Academie d'Art in Paris!
Grandma sneakily produces the admission letter! No financial aid, though, and Dawn spent most of her Paris Fund paying for Grandma's medical bills last year. She can pay the tuition, but not room, board, or airfare.
Dawn goes out to her rusty pickup truck to look desolate. Sister stops by, asking for a ride to the Piggly Wiggly. OMG, the Piggly Wiggly. We're in redneck territory. I guess we won't be seeing a gay/femme best friend.
Left: I tried to research William Wilder, but this is his first movie and he has no social media presence, so here's a random Texas dude.
"Would you like some coffee with your crazy?"
"Don't worry, I'm a big fan, and I can coach you."
Scene 3: The garage, where Dawn is welding. A partially finished painting of flowers in the background. Sister explains: Each season, 20 ladies move into the swanky mansion of a rich bachelor. Are there a lot of rich bachelors who want to participate?
Activities are designed to "trigger that primal quest for love and mating." Sounds very heteronormative, assuming that heterosexual desire is universal human experience, based on biology.
He drops one every week, until the remaining contestant has to decide whether to stay with him or take the $250,000 prize money. Stay with the guy -- you'll get a lot more than that.
Uh-oh, Grandma found out that Girlfriend paid for her medical bills, and is not happy. "You try to control everyone! I could have come up with something!" And another thing: why hasn't she tried to show any of her art? Every single town has an art center that displays local talent.
Scene 4: More instructions. The contest draws three types of girls: Cinderellas ("I have been dreaming of finding my prince my whole life"), Roughnecks ("I'm a biker chick looking for my Ride or Die."), Desperate for Babies ("I get hot when I'm ovulating"), and Small Town Girls. That will be Dawn's persona.
To the auditions in Dallas. Previous seasons have filmed in Fiji, Zurich, Nome, and Rome. Dawn says that she's a Small Town Girl, and a big fan of the show. She especially liked the one with the "blind pilot from 'Nam." Her notes are wrong: it was a bush pilot from Nome, har har. A silly mistake. Why would a pilot be blind? And no one has called Vietnam 'Nam since 1975. But anything for a joke.
"So, why do you want to go to Paris?"
"It's full of light and art. It's the most beautiful city in the world." Paris, Texas, is quite scenic, but surely the casting agent realizes that Dawn is thinking of the Paris in France. Why not inform her?
"To be honest, I don't want to be stuck in a small town forever."
The casting agent likes her, but the producer (maybe Torrance Coombs) wants someone with a social media presence to boost their numbers, so Dawn is out. But she tells her sister she made it! Quite a fibber, aren't you, girl?
Scene 4: A country western bar back home, with two-stepping couples while the singer tells us that his girl don't need any of his money. Hint, hint.
Dawn and Sister, playing pool, catch the attention of a blond cowboy -- with spurs yet! Dawn approaches and accuses him of being a tech bro playing dress-up. That's no way to get laid, girl. They dance and flirt and -- uh-oh, Sister is being harassed by two guys, so it's up to Dawn to rescue her.
"We could have done better at Twin Peaks," one of them (Kaden Connors) sneers. The gay bar on Castro Street in San Francisco?
Scene 5: Dawn is welding when she gets the call. She rushes out to tell Sister and Grandma: "I got the part! I'm going to Paris!"
Cut to the goodbyes as a hired car drives her to the airport. She ineptly joins the line of contestants being filmed as they walk in slow motion, hair blowing in the wind, for the Honey Pot Season 16 promo. On the plane -- wait, the flight attendant is speaking French. Have all of the contestants been deceived?
Their cell phones will be confiscated until they go home.
Scene 6: Cut to the girls sleeping, as the flight from Dallas to Paris, France takes nine hours. As they descend, the windows are fogged so they can't see out -- the producer wants their reaction shots as they exit their plane at Orly...um, Cox Field in Paris, Texas, 100 miles from Dallas. They've just been circling for hours!
As the photographer takes his stuff from the overhead bin, his bulge is visible (I couldn't get a good screen shot). One of the ladies tells him to "get your baguette out of my face."
The girls exit, wearing berets, carrying French flags...to the desolation of East Texas. Cries of "Hell, no!", "What the f*k!", "Kiss my grits!", "Wait -- there's a Texas in France?", and from Dawn, "I want the hell out!" But she wants the $20,000 appearance fee, so she stays. A dirty trick, and just for the reaction shots. Now it will be an ordinary contest. What was the point?
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
Scene 7: Establishing shots of Paris, Texas. A bowling alley, some bars, a minature Eiffel Tower with a cowboy hat on top. Then on to the Silver Spur Ranch. Tomorrow they'll meet meet the bachelor, Trey McAllen III (Pierson Fode).
Wait -- is this the cowboy Dawn danced with? No fair meeting the contestants in advance!
The girls are shown their elegant bunkhouses, and the swag room, where they fight over cowboy clothes. Dawn goes to her room, meets her roommate, and then wanders out to the stables, where she meets the Cowboy from the bar -- who happens to be Trey McAllen III!
Huh? I thought Dawn would be choosing between a rich snob and a lowly ranch hand. Where's the conflict here?
And who does Harry Jowsey play?
Bonus: This review was a little beefcake-light, so I'm posting some nude Texas dudes.
Austin guy with a tree trunk
Houston ballet performer at home.
Abilene selfie.
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