Josh Zuckerman: The teenage Faust saves Christmas twice, plays nebbishes and sinister ghosts. With his butt and Nick's dick

 

In the Disney Channel's Twas the Night (2001), irresponsible Nick Wrigley (Bryan Cranston of Malcolm in the Middle), fleeing from gansters, takes refuge at his brother's house.  While delivering presents, Santa gets clocked on the head, and the gangsters steal the time-dilation device that allows him to visit 1.3 billion households in a single night.

So Nick and his mischievous 14-year old nephew Danny (Josh Zuckerman) must deliver all of the presents and subdue the gangsters.

It differs from the standard "saving Christmas" plot in the real peril, and in Nick and Danny, who move from stereotyped uncle and nephew to classic 1930s Adventure Boy and adult companion. 

It was enough to pay attention to this guy, born in 1985 in Stanford, California, and guesting on every conceivable tv series: Get Real,  Once and Again, The West Wing, Judging Amy, and so on,  Surely he had more gay-subtexts or maybe even gay roles in his future.

Nope.  Next he starred in  I was a Teenage Faust (2002), about a 15-year old boy (Josh) who sells his soul to the devil in order to win The Girl of His Dreams.  Heterosexist tripe.

I didn't have the stomach to see Josh in anything else for a few years, but evidently he starred with Ben Affleck in Surviving Christmas (2004): a rich dude pays a family to pretend to be his at Christmastime, and develops real feelings for them, of course.

And Balthazar Getty in Feast (2005): Bar patrons fight monsters.

 But the heterosexism continued, as Josh found his niche as a nebbish who can't get girls, but sometimes can.

He had a recurring role on Kyle XY (2008-09) ,  starring Matt Dallas as a teenage boy  who appears out of nowhere with no memory and no belly button. I think he's a clone or alien or something.  Josh plays a nebbish with a crush on his adopted sister.  Eventually he wins her.

The Desperate Housewives (2004-13) were desperate due to their 15-year history of lies, scandals, murder, and semi-nude scenes.  Josh plays Eddie, a barista and aspiring comedian who kills the girls who reject him -- and they all do.  They're usually mean about it, laughing at the ridiculousness of the nebbish thinking he was worthy of human contact, but still, it seems a bit much. 

The s*x comedy S*x Drive (2008) is all shot through with homophobia and gay stereotypes. It's got Seth Green in it, so you know there's going to be trouble.  Ian (Josh) goes on a road trip to Chattanooga to win the Girl of His Dreams, Ms. Tasty (her stage name). He borrows the car from his "fag" and "homo"-spouting brother Rex (James Marsden): 

When Ian reaches Chattanooga, Rex appears and refuses to let him get with the girl.  So he pretends to be gay, and Rex changes his mind: getting with a girl could cure him!  In the end  Ian marries The Girl, and Rex is revealed to be gay (but he doesn't get a boyfriend). 

But at least we see Josh nude.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Luke Speakman: The femme bully of "Weapons" meets a lot of hunks, likes capybaras, plays a boy raised as a girl. With Dad and Dylan dicks

 

When I saw Weapons (2025), a thriller about the mysterious disappearance of all of the kids in a third grade class (except one), I thought that the bully (right) was a girl due to their long hair and femme mannerisms -- until their dad called them Matthew (played by Luke Speakman).

There is a positively portrayed gay couple in the movie (played by Benedict Wong and Clayton Farris), and it's quite a welcome change to have the femme boy the bully instead of the victim, so writer/director Zach Creger is obviously a queer ally. But Matthew is not on screen long enough to express any same-sex interests (besides, the rule in movies is, all kids must be portrayed as heterosexual).  But maybe Luke Speakman is gay in real life. 

Left: Luke meets his crush, Merrick Hanna.

Left: Luke's birthday in April 2025: "Turned 12 today!  Guess I'm old now!"  Just wait, buddy.

Growing up in a heteronormative society, gay boys are often unaware that they like boys, or interpret their interest as friendship or hero worship.  And if they are aware, they are unlikely to mention it on their parent-curated social media pages.  But maybe we can catch some glimmers of same-sex interest to augment Luke's femme appearance.

Born in Athens, Georgia in 2013, Luke began acting on screen at age five, in Steven Spielberg's Amazing Stories (2020): he plays the young version of Sam (Dylan O'Brien, left), who goes through a time portal to the 1920s and meets Girl of His Dreams (be careful, she could be your great-grandmother).

Next came seven episodes of the podcast series The Burned Photo (2021-22): two women's "lives become intertwined when they discover they are being terrorized by the same multi-generational curse that is determined to end their family lineages."  So some lesbian subtexts going on?

Five episodes of Lost Man Down (2022), about an aspiring actor masquerading as a talent agent.  Luke plays a baseball fan who believes in aspiring player Takeshi (Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, center).  The guy with them is not Tsuyoshi's boyfriend.  I don't think.

An Asian hunk.  Not particularly relevant, but none of the adult stars of Lost Man Down have nude photos.

More after the break

"Meet Me in St. Louis": the movie that spawned the "Have Yourself" monstrosity. With A LOT of cocks to get you through it, plus Adam Devine and Will Robinson

 

December is the cruelest month, overwhelming the senses with bright lights and crowds, asserting that if you don't feel ecstatic every second of every day, there is something wrong with you, while pushing melancholy nostalgia and horribly depressing songs.  And the most depressing of all is the "Have yourself" monstrosity.  One line is guaranteed to push my general Christmas depression into dark despair. Fortunately, singers extend every syllable indefinitely, so I'm usually able to run out of the store or shut off the tv during "Haaaaaaaaaaaaave youuuuuuuurself..."

I thought that I could expiate the demonic power of the monstrosity by researching where it began, with a viewing of Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) when I was nine or ten years old (in the 1970s!).

Opening: It's the summer of 1903, which many adults in the 1940s recalled through the nostalgic haze of childhood.  

It is the era of empires: after the Spanish American War, the U.S. occupied the Philippines, Guam, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico, a colonial empire rivaling those of Britain and France.  

It is the era of the robber barons like Rockefeller and Vanderbilt, who amassed huge fortunes and transported Italian villas brick-by-brick to the new world. 

The Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan, The Bobbsey Twins, Kim, and The Call of the Wild are on every kid's bookshelf.

Everyone in St. Louis, the 4th largest city in the U.S., is all agog over the upcoming World's Fair, also known as the Louisiana Purchase Exposition.  Although a paeon to American Exceptionalism, it will have exhibits from 65 countries. They'll be able to see X-ray machines and wireless telephones, gawk at "primitive tribes," and eat hot dogs, hamburgers, and cotton candy for the first time. time. And hear the song "Meet Me in St. Louis," about a man whose wife leaves him to go to the fair.

Trigger #1: Nazarenes were taught that fairs were Satanic, so this represented evil.  Also, I recalled a song about a boy who is coming home late from the fair, no doubt the victim of foul play:

Oh, dear, what could the matter be -- Johnny's too late from the fair.

At 5135 Kensington Avenue, a trolley-ride away from downtown, fancy businessman Alonzo Smith (Leon Ames) and his family are eagerly anticipating the fair, and watching as the daughters fall in love. 

Esther (Judy Garland) is in love with the Boy Next Door, John Truitt (Tom Drake), who isn't interested.  She sings:

How can I ignore the boy next door?

I love him more than I can say

Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even tease me

And he never sees me glance his way

You forgot the last line: "Maybe he's gay."

 Trigger #2: I hated Judy Garland after seeing her in the horrifying Wizard of Oz (the Witch counts down the minutes to her death!).  Later, I heard that to ever listen to Judy Garland songs meant that you were gay, which was horrifying (I was extremely homophobic during my closeted high school years).

Tom Drake (top photo and right) was "a deeply closeted gay guy, given to despair." terrified that someone would find out.

 Rose (Lucille Bremmer) is in love with Warren Sheffield (Robert Sully), but he's dating another girl (June Lockhart, who would become the Mom on Lost in Space).  

Left: Presumably this is a different Robert Sully.  I posted Billy Mummy as Will Robinson on Nysocboy's Beefcake and Bonding.

Little Sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) is apparently in love with the Ice Man, with whom she discusses whether St. Louis is the greatest city in the world.  But there's really no discussion; of course it is. And they didn't even have that Arch yet.

Left: Random guy with cock.

Margaret O'Brien,  only 8 years old when she was roped into Meet Me, had a career that lasted through the 2000s.  Her last movie role to date is in This is Our Christmas (2018), where a family tries to save their beloved bakery from an evil developer (Margaret) and her son (Vincent de Paul).

There's also another daughter, a son, Lon Junior (Henry H. Daniels, Jr.), a grandpa, and a sarcastic maid (lesbian actress Marjorie Mains)

The Farewell Party: Lon Jr. is leaving for Princeton, so they throw him a party.  The Boy Next Door is invited!   Esther asks him out, but she waits for him at the trolley all afternoon, and he doesn't show up.  

Hoping to find a new beau, she sings "The Trolley Song":

I went to lose a jolly hour on the trolley

And lost my heart instead

With his light brown derby and his bright green tie

He was quite the handsomest of men

I started to yen so I counted to ten

Then I counted to ten again

Halloween: At a bonfire, Tootie claims that The Boy Next Door hit her, so Esther goes to his house and punches and bites him..  Actually, he was trying to protect her from the police. Esther apologizes, and they kiss and start dating. 

Brace yourself: depressing lyrics after the break.  And a lot more cocks.

"It's Florida, Man," Episode 2.2: Guy gets high, gets naked, trashes a pizza place. With Adam Devine, pizza guy cock, and Swardon butt

 

Since Righteous Gemstones ended in May 2025, we've seen Tony Cavalero in two tv shows, a series of commercials, and his daily Instagram posts.  Adam Devine, not so much.  He played a dog who doesn't want to get snipped, did some commercials for water, and his Instagram is mostly theoretical.  So of course I jumped at the opportunity to see him in Episode 2.2 of It's Florida, Man, a reality tv show on MAX about people doing really stupid things because "it's Florida."  While they tell their stories, comedians act them out (like Drunken History)

Preview:  Pensacola, Florida: on the panhandle, more Deep South than Miami Beach.  A trashed Little Caesar's Pizza.  Chad Corn tells us that he was so high, he didn't know what had happened: he just woke up naked, with the alarm blaring.   

Scene 1: Chad works as an appliance technician. He began drinking and using drugs to help overcome his Tourette's Syndrome (involuntary tics), but he didn't like the version of himself while high, which he called Bad Chad: a belligerent partyboy.

One day he is at work, scrolling through the profiles on...um...Facebook (you mean Grindr, buddy?), and he sees that his friend Jimmy has a show coming up (drag or music?).

Jimmy is an "artist, singer, concrete finisher, starseed, generational curse breaker," and Jimmy V on stage. 

I wanted to see if the musician is bisexual, based on the "woman or man" lyric, but Google searches are overwhelmed by other famous Jimmy Vs: one worked on the Conan O'Brien show, and the other is a music producer in London.  

Scene 2: Chad goes to the Jimmy V show, tries unsuccessfully to pick up a girl, and then calls his drug dealer.  Bad Chad emerges, and they do more drugs and get "wired to the max."  The bartender cuts them off. 

He gets paranoid, thinks the cops are at the club.  Should he flush his remaining drug supply down the toilet?  Bad Chad points out that the drugs can be traced through the pipes. Better eat the rest!

Chad is played by Adam Devine, and Bad Chad by Nick Swardon (butt left)

Scene 3: Chad leaves the bar, still thinking that he is being chased by the cops, so he goes through the swamp to throw them off his trail.   He loses one shoe in the mud, so of course he has to throw away the other. 

More after the break