I'm following Braxton Alexander on Instagram because he appeared in two scenes in one episode of The Righteous Gemstones, and I thought his character was queer coded. Also he never posts any photos of him with a girlfriend, ever, so probably gay, right?
He's been pushing his fans to watch Free Bert (2026), a Netflix series based on the comedy routines of Bert Kreischer. Bert is known for ripping off his shirt (I like that) and getting fully nude (I like that, too). And here he appears to be pretending that his popsicle is a penis.
Several of the cast members have played gay characters or appeared in gay-friendly projects, so doubtless there will be some LGBTQ representation (and Bert fellating a popsicle).
Plus episodes are set at a pool party and during a "boys' weekend," so there are bound to be some hunks in Speedos (maybe even Braxton, who has never yet appeared shirtless on screen or in a modeling shoot).
Results: I only made it through part of three episodes without fast forwarding, because I was so shocked. Cringe after cringe after cringe. Here are the highlights, my viewing augmented by episode synopses.
Bert Takes His Shirt Off: We begin with Bert performing at the birthday party of Rob Lowe (butt left, penis everywhere). The guests don't care about his comedy set; they just want him to take off his shirt, over and over: "It's comedy gold," Lowe assures him, but he feels like a sex object. What about his clever observations? I don't get it. Why would you want to see a guy with his shirt off unless you found him attractive?
Back home, Bert's wife LeAnn (Arden Myrin of The Righteous Gemstones) suggests that he tone down the f* word , put a shirt on, and try to be respectable, since they are sending their daughters Georgia and Ila (Ava Ryan, Lilou Lang) to an upscale private school. It has a Learning Disability Department, which Ila needs.
Hand Jobs: Trouble begins when daughter Georgia is ignored at school, so Bert plays her up on a podcast. Things get out of hand, and the host asks if the 14-year old has ever given a hand job. "No, she's a good girl."
The next day, campus Mean Girl Kiersten has told everyone Georgia's shocking secret. She is despondent: "My life is over. What boy will look at me now?" So not giving a hand job is disgraceful for a girl, like a boy being a virgin?
Bert gets revenge during his act by criticizing the penis size of the Mean Girl's Dad, ultra-rich Landon Vanderthal. The bit goes viral, and the Headmaster calls both sets of parents to a conference. Landon insists that his penis is very big, and he's willing to whip it out right there as proof. Things escalate; Georgia is suspended, and Bert banned from the campus.
Left: Landon is played by Chris Witaske, straight but the creator of the gay-friendly Chicago Party Aunt.
A Missing Scrotum: Georgia steals the Mean Girl's boyfriend, Zac (Braxton). Bert goes berserk. He's banned from the campus, but he sends his wife to flirt with the security guard, marches into the locker room, and threatens to kill the boy. But then he discovers that Zac has a missing scrotum, so no sex, and he's ok with the relationship. (Nonsense. You get testosterone replacement therapy. and everything works fine. How does he think transmen do it)?
The Mean Girl wants Zac back, even after Bert tells her about the missing scrotum. She already knows, and doesn't care; in fact, she tells the secret to all of the parents, humiliating Zac.
All Zac and Georgia do is cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. I read that they originally filmed scenes that were much, much worse, extremely inappropriate for the 19-year old Braxton and the 14-year old Ava. They had to completely rework the character and refilm his scenes.
More after the break, if you dare.
Left: Gratuitous blow job
The Toxic Friend Group: At a pool party, Landon's wife goes into shock after eating cookies containing peanuts (which Bert's wife LeeAnn made). Landon is not upset; in fact, he gives her some extra drugs so she will sleep long enough to go golfing with the friend group, and invites Bert along
.The friend group consists of: Landon.
Zac's father Randy (Matthew Del Negro, who played a gay hustler in Scandal).
And Glen (Noshir Dalal, who voiced a gay character in Star Wars: Squadrons). Soap Opera Central thinks this is him, but I think it's Ryan Paevey.
They are all horrible people. They have their gynecologist buddy take photos of ladies' parts during examinations, and when their previous fourth member didn't live up to their expectations, they destroyed his life.
Cancelling the Learning Disability Department: The guys tempt Bert into joining the school's board of directors (you can make sure that your kid gets all As, regardless of "how stupid she is"). But then they trick him into closing the LD program, which means that Ila won't be getting the help she needs.
Some Blackmail: The Mean Girl wants Zac back, so she blackmails Bert: get Zac and Georgia to break up, or she'll tell Landon that he blabbed about the missing scrotum, and he'll be ejected from the friend group.
Landon has his own blackmail: name the Mean Girl and Zac as Mr. and Miss Snooty Prep School, or he'll ruin Bert, like he did with the former fourth member of the friend group.
Bert Saves the Day: Instead, Bert takes off his shirt during an assembly and comes clean about everything. He's dragged out by security, but the parents cheer at the whistleblowing. And, in the closing scene, the guy ejected from the friend group offers Bert his business card.
Beefcake: Bert's shirt is off a lot; no one else takes off anything, even at the pool party.
Heterosexism: None. Bert seems to like his wife, but the other guys treat women as objects.
Gay Characters: I don't think gay people exist in this world.
Profanity: OMG, everyone's favorite adjective is "fuckin'." Even the little girl.
My Grade: Cringe after cringe after cringe. But I liked looking at Bert's belly.
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