"The Third Day": Jude Law in "The Wicker Man," with scissor goblins, a dead son, Will Rogers, and Dagliesh dick
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Peter Billingsley: The lingerie lamp kid, a Beverly Hills brat, Whips, ropes, and perhaps Peter's peter
Even though a few years have passed, Peter Billingsley is still know as the kid from A Christmas Story (1983). You know -- the bespectacled 9-year old in the 1950s, whose only Christmas wish is "a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass and this thing that tells time."
Hardly anyone saw it in theaters in 1983, but it has become a TV tradition -- TBS usually mounts a 24-hour marathon -- so you've probably seen A Christmas Story as often as the much gayer White Christmas or It's a Wonderful Life.
I don't really care for it. There's a creepy lamp shaped like a lady's leg in lingerie (that turns Ralphie on), a nasty bully, a borderline-abusive Dad, a gun as a major plot point, and no cute guys or discernible homoerotic subplots (although some of the cast has gay connections).
And the mythos hasn't gotten better.
I don't really care for it. There's a creepy lamp shaped like a lady's leg in lingerie (that turns Ralphie on), a nasty bully, a borderline-abusive Dad, a gun as a major plot point, and no cute guys or discernible homoerotic subplots (although some of the cast has gay connections).
And the mythos hasn't gotten better.
The top photo is Braeden LeMasters, who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story 2 (2012). Six years later, Ralphie wants a car and the Girl of His Dreams.
I think it got worse.
In The Dirt Bike Kid (1985), a modern retelling of "Jack and the Beanstalk," the 14-year old Jack (Peter) is sent to buy groceries, but gets a magic dirtbike instead. He uses it to clean up the corrupt town, save a struggling hot dog stand, and become a town hero. He expresses no heterosexual interest, but no same-sex interest, either. He has a buddy (Chad Sheets), but his main emotional bond is paternal, with Mike (Patrick Collins), the owner of the hot dog stand.
In Russkies (1987), it's the heart of the Cold War, Danny (Joaquin Phoenix) and his friends Adam (Peter) and Jason (Stefan DeSalle) find a a Russian sailor, Mischa (Whip Hubley), washed up on the shore. Adam is obviously entranced by the beefy, bulge-laden Mischa, especially after he takes off his shirt at the doctor's office.
But it is Danny who acts as his friend and protector. He hatches a scheme to smuggle Mischa to Cuba, whence he could get back home. When the baddies shoot Danny down over the water, Mischa rushes to the rescue. Later, Danny rescues Mischa. Though the movie ends with Mischa going home, the experience changes Danny forever; it is his Summer of '42.
An anti-gay slur (this was the 1980s, after all), but no girls thought of or spoken of.
In The Dirt Bike Kid (1985), a modern retelling of "Jack and the Beanstalk," the 14-year old Jack (Peter) is sent to buy groceries, but gets a magic dirtbike instead. He uses it to clean up the corrupt town, save a struggling hot dog stand, and become a town hero. He expresses no heterosexual interest, but no same-sex interest, either. He has a buddy (Chad Sheets), but his main emotional bond is paternal, with Mike (Patrick Collins), the owner of the hot dog stand.
But it is Danny who acts as his friend and protector. He hatches a scheme to smuggle Mischa to Cuba, whence he could get back home. When the baddies shoot Danny down over the water, Mischa rushes to the rescue. Later, Danny rescues Mischa. Though the movie ends with Mischa going home, the experience changes Danny forever; it is his Summer of '42.
An anti-gay slur (this was the 1980s, after all), but no girls thought of or spoken of.
Left: Whip's butt and back balls.
In Beverly Hills Brats (1989), Scooter (18-year old Peter) is ignored by his rich father (Martin Sheen) and bullied by his siblings, so he fakes his own kidnapping, hiring the bumbling thugs Clive (Burt Young) and Elmo (George Kirby). The thugs are hostile at first, but soon come to feel sympathy for the lonely Scooter. Again, an anti-gay slur, but no expressed interest in girls. Instead, Scooter tries to reach out to the thugs for emotional support.
By this point, Peter was starting to muscle up; in fact, he later played a high school athlete abusing steroids on an Afterschool Special. But he also started to heterosexualize up.
Here he shows some bicep in VideoZone (1989), a tv commercial series about the merchandise advertised in Full Moon productions.
In Beverly Hills Brats (1989), Scooter (18-year old Peter) is ignored by his rich father (Martin Sheen) and bullied by his siblings, so he fakes his own kidnapping, hiring the bumbling thugs Clive (Burt Young) and Elmo (George Kirby). The thugs are hostile at first, but soon come to feel sympathy for the lonely Scooter. Again, an anti-gay slur, but no expressed interest in girls. Instead, Scooter tries to reach out to the thugs for emotional support.
By this point, Peter was starting to muscle up; in fact, he later played a high school athlete abusing steroids on an Afterschool Special. But he also started to heterosexualize up.
Here he shows some bicep in VideoZone (1989), a tv commercial series about the merchandise advertised in Full Moon productions.
He appears in 11 episodes of Sherman Oaks (1995-97), an early example of the mockumentary format, as the hetereo-horny teenage son.
More after the break
Martin Spanjers: Eight simple rules for determining if the "Eight Simple Rules" kid is gay
This is a still from Epiosde 3.1 of the TGIF sitcom Eight Simple Rules (2002-2005). It was originally Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, about an overprotective Dad played by John Ritter, but when Ritter died, it became a general family-angst dramedy. I never watched, but in 2004 you could hardly turn on your computer without seeing Martin Spanjers as the teenage Rory gawking at Sam Horrigan.
Only Seasons 1-2 are available to stream on Disney Plus, so I don't know what's going on in the scene, except that Rory doesn't want to shower after gym class due to his less than adequate package. Maybe Sam Horrigan is a high school jock?
3. Does he show his butt on screen?
Only Seasons 1-2 are available to stream on Disney Plus, so I don't know what's going on in the scene, except that Rory doesn't want to shower after gym class due to his less than adequate package. Maybe Sam Horrigan is a high school jock?
2. Does he play a gay-vague teenager?
Fan consensus is that Rory is one of those gay-vague sitcom kids, soft, shy, pretty, and struggling valiantly to act girl-crazy because on American sitcoms, all teenage boys must be girl-crazy.
3. Does he show his butt on screen?
The next time I saw Martin Spanjers, he was still naked, playing the teenage shapeshifter Sam Merlotte in a 2009 episode of True Blood, about vampires, werewolves, and various other magical beings in rural Louisiana. When you shift back to human form, you lose your clothes, so he's naked when he breaks into a house looking for food or something to steal.
4. Does he have a gay-subtext role?
The house happens to belong to a maenid (minor goddess) named Maryanne, who naturally wants to have sex with him. He steals $10,000 on his way out, which causes the adult Sam Merlotte a lot of headaches.
Although the encounter is heterosexual, Sam is homeless because his parents kicked him out when they discovered his "secret." We can see a reflection of gay teens ejected by homophobic parents. About 40% of homeless youth are LGBT.
More after the break
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