Matt Crabtree: Shy, quiet, stuttering Southern boy grows up to "Modern Family," "Will and Grace," one-man shows, and dicks

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Mark Duplass: A lot of indie films about death and converting lesbians, but at least he shows his dick a lot

 

I always start profiles with three questions: 1. Any nude photos?  2. Is he gay in real life?  3. Has he played any gay characters?  

 With Mark Duplass, #1-#2 are answered instantly.  I first heard his name on the Nude Celebrity Subreddit, and a google search yields images on AZMen, the OMG Blog, Mr Man, LPSG, AusCaps, Cocktails & Cocktalk -- well, everywhere.

And his heterosexual identity established in the second word of a google search: Age: 46.  Spouse: Katie, married in 2006.  Yes, I know that he could be bi or closeted, but we'll skip over that to make things easier.

How about gay roles?

Mark was born in New Orleans in 1976, and attended the University of Texas at Austin and the City College of New York.  He and his brother Jay started Duplass Brothers Productions in 1996 (when he was only 20 years old).  He has written all of the 15 movies they have released, produced eight,starred in six, and directed four.  

Plus he has about 40 other acting roles listed on the IMDB.  I'll check out the ones he says he's most famous for, and the ones with nudity.

Maurice drew my attention, but it's not the gay romance based on the novel by Christopher Isherwood, it's a short about the owner of the last porno theater in Paris (and maybe the world).  Well, we already knew that Mark was straight.

Humpday (2009) has a DVD cover of two naked guys glaring at each other. They're Mark and Joshua Leonard, whose "bromance is taken to another level when they participate in an art film project."  A review says that they just make a bet that they'll be able to overcome their homophobia long enough to have sex.  Wait -- that's not what homophobia is.  

So I'm supposed to watch two guys doing things that I like, but they find disgusting?   I'm getting a stomach ache just thinking about it. Apparently it's "mumblecore," lots of long, pointless conversations.  

The French DVD cover says "a heterosexual film for the gays, a gay film for the heteros."  Shudder.

True Adolescents (2009): Mark chaperones his cousin "and a pal" on a camping trip.  Could they be a gay couple?  According to a review, he opens the tent and the boys are kissing.  This constitutes a "hint" that Oliver is "questioning his sexuality."  No, dude is gay.

Your Sister's Sister (2011): "After the death of..."  Well, who cares? These movies all begin with someone's death.  

Anyhow, Jack (Mark) visits his friend Iris's private island and has sex with her sister Hannah, who is a lesbian -- I guess she's straight around the edges.  She gets pregnant, and Jack and Iris become a couple and decide to raise the baby themselves.   

This reminds me of a Woody Allen comedy, or one of those snobbish short stories in The New Yorker 

Um...Mark Birbiglia plays Al.

Duck Butter (2018): Dissatisfied with dating men, two women vow to spend 24 hours together, "hoping to find a new way to create intimacy."  Lesbians already exist, ladies.  Or did they all turn straight when Mark had sex with them?

 But their discovery that women can get together results in obsession, violence, and death.  

Mark and his brother Jay play themselves, producing the film that the focus character is starring in.

Mark's next four movies are about death:

Creep (2014): a videographer takes a job recording the last messages of a dying man (Mark) to his wife and unborn child, but it turns into a cat-and-mouse game of despair.

Paddleton (2019): not the one with the teddy bear.  A guy (Mark) buddy-bonds with his dying friend.  Yuck.

Wes is Dying (2022): Two filmmakers document their journey to see their dying friend, hoping that they will make it big.  Did you just read Chapters 1 and 2 of the filmmakers handbook, Mark?  There are other plotlines besides converting lesbians and dying.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

"Dad Can't Know That I'm Gay": An Abraham Gemstone Adventure, with Ash, some twink d*cks, and a special appearance by Pontius and Stacy

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Good Cop/Bad Cop: A brother-sister cop team, a high school jock with a dark secret, a self-important actor with a tree-trunk

 

Good Cop/Bad Cop dropped on Amazon Prime, but instead of the "you're arrogant!"  will-they-or-won't-they hetero-duo investigating the murder, it's a brother and sister.  So maybe one of them will be gay.  I'm reviewing Episode 1.3, about a high school quarterback's murder, which leads to "dark secrets" being revealed.  "Dark secrets" often involve being gay, so that's two gay prospects.

Scene 1:  Eden Vale Town Square, October 11th. The team, Henry (Luke Cook, left and below), his sister, and an elderly guy named Glen (Robert Coleby), investigates a body -- brought from somewhere else for them to find. Psych!  It's a first aid dummy, sent by rival high school football team Birch Creek to taunt the home team, Eden Vale. 

"Not exactly 'The Case of the Speckled Band,'" Henry says, but they aren't familiar with Sherlock Holmes. Sister Lou wants to discuss the prospects of the Eden Vale high school football team -- they just got a new QB (quarter back) in from Texas, so he's bound to be great.  Do people other than students and parents follow high school football?

Henry isn't interested in sports.  She scoffs. "No wonder you sat by yourself at lunch."  Lack of interest in sports is a queer code.

Then she wants to race him to the police station, but he refuses.  So they're the unrestrained id and overcautious superego pair of most buddy comedies.

Scene 2: A restaurant called The Old Place.  As they drink Coca-Cola from bottles, Chubby Guy (Dan Illic) asks the Hired Muscle (either Tyler Coppin or Jack Ellis), "Do you come here often?" Outdated pickup line, buddy.  

Chubby Guy brought a photo of the new high school QB, Jake Wilson -- "I want him gone -- not dead, just gone." The bad guy is sneezing.  This will become important later.

Cut to the cheerleaders (got to meet that heterosexual male gaze) and then the team practicing. QB takes off his helmet, to the girls gawking.  His teammate found a photo taked to his locker: he is asleep in bed (nice beefcake), with the note: "Leave town, or you'll sleep forever!" Isn't the town he lives in up to his parents?

"It's nothing, just a bad joke."

QB is played by Alex Champion De Crespigny, who is not a 17th century nobleman in the court of the Sun King. According to his aggressivly self-congratulatory profile on the IMDB, he started his career as the most successful journalist in Australia before studying at NIDA and becoming the most famous Australian actor since Hugh Jackman.  

He has seven acting credits listed on the IMDB, all in tv series that became massive hits due to his massive ego...um, I mean talent.  He's also a writer, director, producer, model, superhero, and demigod, and he has a 10 inch dick.

Scene 3: An elderly woman says in Russian ,"If I can't dance, I'd rather be dead!"  She's quoting her ballet instructor as she preps the dancers for the best recital in town history.  

 Wait -- just one dancer, who points out that tonight is the Big Game, so no one will come to the recital.  Not even the dancers.

"Tough, we're still doing the show, just you and me.  It will be great."

Scene 4: At the police station, Sister Lou has two announcements.  First, Henry is buying lunch.  Officer Szczepkowski asks his female coworker, "Is today the day I try calamari?" 

She says "no" in a nasty tone, with a disgusted expression. Was he asking to have sex with her?

Cop Bradley (Scott Lee) is wearing his high school letterman's jacket to support the team.  He calls Henry "brother from another mother," but Henry shoots him down. He hates humans, and human relationships of any type.

Second announcment: Officer Szcz (William McKenna) has been on the force for three months, so he's ready for a solo call! 

But it's just a domestic thing: "The annoying San Francisco couple on Park Ridge found something concerning in their yard."  San Francisco -- euphemism for gay?  No, it's a man-woman couple, just annoying because they're elitist. 

Scene 5: Officer Szcz is nervous, so he insists that his Female Coworker come along on the call.  Wait -- she treated him with disgust and contempt before, and now she's helping him?

They found human bones!  "Do you think this will delay the completion of our swimming pool?"  Har har, but nitpick -- no one in a northern state builds a swimming pool in October.  

Cut to the station, where the QB's teammate, Mark, has reported the "Leave town, or you'll sleep forever" threat.  He's sneezing as he leaves. This will be important later. Hank and Sister Lou want to work on the human remains case, but the Boss wants them on the QB Threat case. 

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.