Rescue Hi-Surf: Lifeguards rescue surfers, have soap opera problems, and one of them is hung. But where are the bulges?

 

The purpose of lifeguard shows is to watch pecs, biceps, and bulges.  There may be some plotlines involving the nearing-retirement guy with the dead son, the Ivy League dropout whose dad wants him to become a lawyer, and the reformed druggie trying to build a new life for himself, but they will be cliched and predictable; you watch to see guys bouncing around in Speedos. 

Sometimes the bikini babes overwhelm the screen, making the show unwatchable, but I have high hopes for Rescue Hi-Surf (2024-5), on Hulu, because showrunner Matt Kester also gave us Animal Kingdom, with muscular men strutting about in bulging swimsuits amid fully clothed women.  

Oh, and maybe there will be some rescues, too.

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the ocean off Oahu, and a pipeline: three story waves breaking over a volcanic reef.  Hunky son, played by Kameron Dowis, is going to surf in that stuff while Mom and Dad check out of the airbnb.  

Cut to the beach, where a lot of people are watching about 20 surfers. 

Cut to lifeguard station, with three lifeguards, the woman in a bikini, the men wearing t-shirts and shorts -- no speedos, darn. 

The Ocean Safety Captain says that they've had six rescues already, and the waves are getting bigger. It's getting dangerous, like "high diving into a kiddie pool."

Uh-oh, a guy wipes out and is down.  They count...but he's up, grabbed by a safety officer on jet ski. 

The Air BNB Guy cozies up to some experienced surfers, who give him instructions, especially "Whatever you do, don't get stuck inside," with the wave above and below you. 

Uh-oh, he wipes out, and is floating unconscious.  The Female Lifeguard runs out, her boobs bouncing, her midriff on display.  She finds him, loads him on a jet ski, and they zoom back to the beach, just ahead of the pipeline wave.  The other life guards grab him, perform CPR, and then load him into the waiting ambulance.  "You got lucky -- welcome to the North Shore."

Back story; The guy's name is Reef, and he's from Florida.  So a family from Florida is vacationing in Hawaii?  Not Quebec?

Opening credits.

Scene 2: Closeup of the chest of a cute guy swimming. Uh-oh, he's sinking...and Ocean Safety Captain (Robbie Magasifa) wakes up.  He's sleeping on the couch in his plant-filled living room.  It was a nightmare about his son, who died two years ago.  I called it.

 Left: Robbie's butt.

It's time to test the lifeguard recruits.  A Bikini Babe recruit arrives late, arguing with her mother who disapproves of lifeguarding and wants her to return to her Ivy League college.  I called it.

Scene 3:  The test: run, swim, run, 100 yards each, 4000 meter swim, 400 yard paddle. Bikini Babe and Sweater Guy stand in front, but the guys in back are shirtless. Still no Speedos.

Bikini Babe finishes first, followed by Sweater Guy.  They all pass, but she's so great that she gets the plum District 7 assignment.  The disgraced guys grimace and growl. "Don't worry, we'll assign you to the kiddie pool or something."  I may be exaggerating the dialogue a bit.

Sweater Guy approaches Bikini Babe to explain that he almost beat her.  It was just dumb luck that he came in .001 seconds late. She's not having it:  "Just admit that a Bikini Babe is better than you."  I imagine that she'll find him "arrogant" as they embark on a three-season long "will they or won't they" story arc.

Scene 4: At the lifeguard station, they put a firefighters's hat on the Hung Guy's stuff.  "Ha-ha, very funny," he says.  Back story: he's retiring from life guarding to become a firefighter, but they disapprove because firefighters never do anything but pose for calendars. 

Also, he's dating the Female Lifeguard.  She concludes that he;s taking the job to get away from her.  The world doesn't revolve around you, girlfriend.

Wait -- they're not dating.  They broke up two years ago, and he's engaged to someone else.  Girlfriend is delusional.

Hung Guy is played by Adam Demos.  The reason for his nickname after the break:

"Welcome to Plathville": Beefcake and bulges of a hard-core fundamentalist family, including the Boylicious model

 

Welcome to Plathville, originally on TLC but recently streamed to Hulu, is a six-season long reality series about the Plaths: "A strikingly blonde, blue-eyed Quiverfull family with 9 children in Southeastern Georgia, who are very passionate about traditional roles, their courtship rituals, music, God, and domestic life."

Brr.  Sounds too scary.  They must be wildly homophobic, but I imagine that they agreed to appear only if there were no "homosexuals" in the crew, so maybe they won't mention them at all.  Episodes appear to be soap-opera like, with marital problems, career troubles, treks into secular civilization, and lots of clickbait "dark secrets" and "startling revelations."

The elder Plaths belong to the No Greater Joy Ministries, an out-of-the-box fundamentalist cult that, other than hating homos, teaches that women must always be subservient to men -- working outside the home is a major sin, and will turn her into an evil lesbian.  Plus you must beat your children to ensure their subservience -- if you don't, they'll start to talk back and turn gay.

I'm definitely too squeamish to watch, but I'll check the Plaths for fundamentalist beefcake.

The parents, Barry and Kim, have broken up and gotten a divorce.  In my childhood church, that would have gotten them kicked out.

Their oldest child, Ethan,left,  married the outsider Olivia, who works as a photographer.  A woman working outside the home!  Shocking!

They got divorced, also.

Ethan and a buddy at the gym.

Daughter Hosanna refused to appear on the show.  She has left the family, moved to Ohio, and married an outsider.  Shocking revelation!

Daughter Moriah visited San Francisco and had sex with her boyfriend Max Kallschmidt. A dark secret revealed!

 The younger children are Lydia, Isaac, Amber, Cassidy, and Mercy.  

Micah works as a model, which means he has to work with gay people.  Uh-oh, he's doomed. 

Wait -- a model?  He must have some n*de photos out there somewhere.

More after the break.

"Christmas on Repeat": A "Groundhog Day" romcom with Matthew Lawrence, Peter Pan, a bodybuilder, and some BBCs

 

After successfully finding a gay romance tucked into the final scene of Falling for Christmas, I decided to check out some other recent Christmas movies to see if a gay character snuck in under the noses of the homophobes.  First up,  Christmas on Repeat, because it features one of those day-keeps-repeating plotlines, and Matthew Lawrence (sigh), one of the trio of muscle-hunk brothers who brightened the 2000s.  

Scene 1: Andrea has fallen asleep at the office again, because she's a workaholic, but not to worry, her assistant got presents for her husband and kids, and arranged for bonuses for the office staff.  On her way out, her boss, Nick (Matthew Lawrence, sigh) stops her: they have to shoot a commercial tomorrow, and the guy in charge of the account is taking Christmas off, so... No fair!  Why don't you do it?

She calls her husband, John (Gary Poux), to say she's on the way home.  He is upset, because that means she will want to cook breakfast, and she's an awful cook.  Wait, how is she going to fall in love with Nick?  Maybe she's just the conduit, and Nick will be the one who falls in love.

Also, the "not being home for Christmas" thing, which he has heard before.

Scene 2: She stops to buy some groceries -- the supermarket parking lot is empty on Christmas Eve?  And the donation-collecting Santa Claus knows her name.  Creepy.  He points out that there will be a shooting star tomorrow night with "off the charts" magic.

Scene 3: At home, she greets her teenage children. Lexi, who looks like a 30-year old supermodel, has a new dance routine -- this is depressing, as Andrea and her husband used to dance, before she got too busy. 

And Matt (JJ Whyte) decided not to stay overnight with his friend Ryder.  Tell me more about your "friend," dude.

Back story: Lexi is from Andrea's first marriage, Matt from this one.  I guess they want to explain why Lexi is so melanin-deprived.  Or they could have found a 30-year old African-American supermodel.

Scene 4: Andrea works on her laptop until late, and goes to bed after Hubbie is already asleep.  Don't worry, I won't say anything about the BBC she's missing out on.

Scene 5: Here are the things she does wrong on Christmas day:

1. She doesn't recognize her son Matt's friends

2. She is unaware that he has stopped being interested in basketball

3. She tries to make pancakes, but sets the kitchen on fire.  Not being able to cook is apparently a major sin in this world.  Maybe this movie is pushing the nuclear family myth, where Dad works and Mom stays home to cook. 

4. She doesn't stop the "Clean, Green, and Prestine" actress and director Paul (Terry Woodberry) from sniping and quitting.  

Director Paul yells at the actress, she quits, and then he quits.  And gets heterosexualized by mentioning his wife.  Darn.  

But at least we have another BBC, after the break