You recall that Adam Devine rarely goes more than a sentence or two without mentioning his penis? In 2018, he and the guys produced The Package, a movie about, well, a penis. He didn't write or direct, but still, it's about a penis. I can't wait.
Scene 1: Sean (Daniel Doheny) is carefully putting on his pants while in the kitchen, Mom slices up an eggplant (foreshadowing, anyone?). His bud Donnie (Luke Spencer Roberts, ginger) picks him up for a camping trip. Uh-oh, he's hacked into the family's tv to show them fat lady porn. Gross! He then criticizes Sean's shorts, which cover "your belly button but not your balls." Sean criticizes his moustache, but Donnie counters that with the 1980s nostalgia craze, he'll be "swimming in puss." Ok, these guys are hetero, but...a penis!
Left and below: Google says that this is Luke Spencer Roberts. I think it's really someone else named Luke Roberts. But I've never heard of either of them before, so what's the difference?
Scene 2: Next they pick up Jeremy (Eduardo Franco, who you may know from The Binge). They criticize him for being a virgin, and he counters by pretending to jerk off with a walking stick.
They are outraged because he invited some girls! Donnie wanted it to be guys only. I hear that. The girls happen to be Donnie's ex and Jeremy's twin sister/
By the way, Jeremy has a girlfriend, too, but only online. The guys think he's being catfished by a guy. Ten to one he'll come out as gay.
Top photo: When you google "Eduardo Franco" and "nude," you get Nino Ceperkovic. I don't understand why.
Jeremy insists that Sean have sex with his sister, because as twins they share a psychic bond, and he'll feel it too. Sean finds this disgusting, but only because it would be psychic-incestuous, not because it would be homoerotic. Now I know that Jeremy is gay!
Scene 3: On the way to the campsite, they make fun of Donnie for sharting during blow jobs. Donnie counters by sending Sean a photo that makes it look like he is giving a blow job to his crush's ex boyfriend. Thankfully, Sean is not offended; he laughs.
Jeremy leads them "deep up Mother Nature's puss." I don't care for the vagina references. Let's hear more about cocks!
Left: Daniel Doheny, who apparently played a gay character in something called Alex Strangelove. I haven't seen it. Who wants to be told that gay love is weird, bizarre, abnormal, strange?
They set up camp and divide into boy and girl groups. Everyone is obsessed over getting Sean to screw his crush. He had a chance with her at the Rent cast party: she touched his thigh and invited him onto the roof for sex, but he couldn't stand up because he had a boner: "You were cock blocked by your own cock!" Rent has gay characters. These guys know that LGBT people exist.
The pressure for Sean and his crush to screw continues into the night. Finally they are eating s'mores around the campfire. Jeremy goes off to piss; the guys follow to mess with him. For some reason, he is slicing through his stream with the knife he showed them earlier...and when the guys distract him, he accidentally slices his dick off! It flies off against the full moon.
Sean climbs to a cliff, calls 911, and orders a medevac. Now they just have to keep Jeremy from bleeding out, and find the penis!
Complications: They find it, but it suffers a lot of damage before the medevac comes. One of the girls throws up on it. Another tries to roast it over the campfire (idiot!). Finally they put it on ice.
Then the medevac leaves, but they send it off with the wrong ice chest! They still have the penis! They have to get it to the hospital within the 12 hour time frame.
Mishap after mishap. Their cellphones are destroyed. They get lost hiking down the mountain. They fall into a river. They run afoul of a hetero-sleazy little boy (Chance Hurstfield, who has grown up a bit). His Dad attacks, thinking that they molested him. The penis is bitten by a snake, so Sean has to suck the venom out (fortunately, there are no homophobic "giving a blow job" references).
A convenience store clerk helps them clean the dick, thinking that Jeremy is a soldier injured in the line of duty. When he discovers that they are high school students, he goes ballistic and shoots arrows at them. "The only dicks I touch are mine and my husband's." This is apparently a "Gay people exist! Hilarious!" joke.
Then the penis is attached to a redneck (Blake Anderson): his own was cut off by his girlfriend! I don't think that's possible. Fortunately, she comes in and cuts it off again, so they can give it to Jeremy.
Conclusion: The two couples reunite. Jeremy's on-line girlfriend is real after all. Darn, I thought he was going to come out as gay. The end.
My Grade: This movie is not about penises, it's about three heterosexual couples falling in love. Watching disgusting things happen to a 3-inch cylinder is not as homoerotic as I thought. Not at all funny. No gay characters or subtexts -- well, except for the convenience store guy, and he was only gay as the punchline of a joke. A big, big disappointment.D
Bonus penises after the break
