Sunday, April 14, 2024

Gemstones Episode 3.6: BJ swallows a lot, Keefe learns about hard wood, and Kelvin gets a girlfriend. With nude boxer bonus

In the last episode (before the interlude), we saw the family shattered, with Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breaking up and the Montgomery boys plotting against Eli.  Now we're going to see life amid the ruins.

Title: "For Out of the Heart Come Evil Thoughts." Matthew 15:19: "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies." We don't need to match the Gemstone with the sin: they are all guilty of false witness, lying to others or to themselves.

How to Make Things Right: BJ didn't move out, after all,  but the two are barely speaking. Judy asks what she can do to make things right. He doesn't know.  She is despondent. Remember that in 2000, she worried that she would never find anyone who would love her.  It took 18 years, but she finally found someone, and now it's over.

Gay joke: "I swallow a lot, but this may be something I can't choke down."  You just need a little practice.  Ask Keefe for some pointers. 

The Montgomery Boys Leave
:  At Eli's mansion, the Montgomerys thank the family for "straightening them out."   Kelvin suggests that it happened "when we dressed them up."  That sounds like a gay reference.  

Jesse says "They're ready to fuck": their next steps should be girlfriends,  intercourse, wives and kids, the whole heterosexual trajectory.  To start them out, he gives them his monster truck, the Redeemer.

 As they drive away, Kelvin takes off his "wedding ring."  If he leaves it off, the relationship will really be over.  He'll be single again.  He puts it back on.  But maybe he is thinking of a heterosexual trajectory of his own. 

Taryn is Back: We cut to Kelvin introducing Taryn, who we last saw at Keefe's "wieners and ice cream" party, as his new assistant youth pastor.  A kid asks about Keefe, and he gets all bitchy: "He is leaving to pursue other opportunities.  Not even sure why you keep bringing that up!" -- while fiddling with his wedding ring again.  He continues to fiddle -- and look despondent -- as Taryn leads the kids in a dance. 

Paying off the Scandal:  The siblings meet with Stephen, his wife, and their lawyer.  They want $500,000 for "damages and emotional distress," or the affair goes viral.  So it's like the blackmail over Jesse's sex-and-drugs party in Season 1, but this time there's no tape.  Judy could just deny that anything happened.  She could even sue him for slander.

Martin suggests paying the money, along with an apology.  Kelvin must be wondering: if it's worth $500,000 to keep an extramarital affair under wraps, how much damage would he cause the church by coming out  -- or being outed.  He doesn't like Taryn in that way -- he doesn't like women in that way -- but what choice does he have?  

After scenes where Baby Billy and Jesse discuss the hologram Aimee-Leigh idea, and BJ stalks Stephen, Kelvin tries to find out if the relationship is really over.

The First Reconciliation Attempt: 
We find Keefe working at Woodpecker's Carpentry.  Wood-pecker, har har, the first of many phallic references in this scene.  His earring, necklaces, and rings are gone -- for safety, or to keep closeted?  

Suddenly Kelvin appears. Looking around nervously, Keefe asks "Brother Kelvin, what are you doing here?" Note that he uses formal titles to reaffirm that they have broken up: they are just pastor and parishioner.  No doubt he's worried that Kelvin will out him by referencing their relationship or just being flamboyant.  Kelvin does try his usual titty-tweak, but Keefe doesn't respond.  You're broken up!  You're not allowed to take liberties anymore!

Gay joke: "Master Bishop has taught me a lot in the ways of hard wood." Tell me more about wood.  The odd title "Master," not used for master carpeters, led some fans to speculate that he and Keefer were involved in a BDSM relationship. 

 Wait -- how long has he worked there?  Surely it's only been a few days since the breakup.

Kelvin asks "Have you found happiness?" An odd question. Why not just ask if he likes his new job.?  Keefe says that he has, but of course he's lying.  He's busy working on a reconciliation rocking chair.  He uses the  punching gesture that straight guys sometimes use to ward off physical contact: a bro-hug would be too painful.

Apparently Kelvin expected Keefe to be crying and miserable, lost without him, like in the Season 1 breakup.  Seeing that his ex is doing ok, he becomes bitchy, denigrating the carpentry job and declaring that he's having lots of fun with Taryn: "everybody loves one misses you at all." The happiness facade fails: Keefe frowns and orders him to leave. 

We cut to Judy asking Eli for the bribe money. He exclaims "Can't you children figure out your lives?" and refuses.  

Then the Montgomery Boys zoom the Redeemer into Peter's new militia compound, claiming that they stole it.  But in Episode 2, he sent goons to kill them.  When did they start working for him again?

Don't Mention Cum
: BJ bursts into tears while working at his Church Welcome Center job. Jesse and his crew sympathize: Stephen has cuckolded him, taken away his power.  He needs to fight the guy, "knock his dick in the dirt, show him who is the man."  

They take him down to the basement for punching-bag training.

Top photo: Michael O'Hearn works out with boxer Paulo Costa. 

Left: Punching bag

Crash! BJ complains that he broke his wrist on the punching bag.  "It was limp already," Jesse says: his first homophobic slur ever, again suggesting that Kelvin will have trouble coming out.  The family certainly knows, but they do not want the whole church to know. 

As BJ practices his trash-talk, Jesse tells him to: "Stay focused, don't talk about cum, and show him who the fuck you are."  Good advice for a first date.

More advice and boxers after the break

Meanwhile, Amber invites Judy to her support group for wives whose husbands have cheated. She's actually a wife who has cheated on her husband, but still, the advice may be relevant.  The other wives relate how their partners worked hard for months to regain  their trust.  

Judy balks: so the cheater has to show remorse forever until their partner decides, on a whim, to forgive them?  There's no schedule, no list of things to accomplish, no way to know how close they are to forgiveness?  Nope.   

Left: Boxer Hugo Hernan Garay

After the Rain:
At the youth group, Taryn is bouncing on the trampoline, while Kelvin looks on,  despondent.  Shouldn't the kids get a chance to play on it?  

Kelvin's turn: he bounces toward the ceiling, still looking despondent, while Nelson's "After the Rain" plays:

He never really loved you from the start.
The only thng he ever gave you was a broken heart.
Don't be afraid to lose what was never meant to be.
Only after the rain can you find true love again.

So Kelvin has to get over Keefe to find true love?  But there are no other gay guys around..just Taryn...uh-oh....  

Later, after the kids are gone, they are putting gym mats away.  Kelvin says that he was "working some stuff out" while somsersaulting. The staging suggests that he has worked out a way to stay in the closet by adopting a heterosexual facade.  The first step will be asking Taryn for a date.

 He's smiling, complimenting her, setting the scene.  They discuss how to get kids into physical fitness by making it fun, sort of like putting cheese on their broccoli so they'll eat it.  In a parallel, is he trying to use physical fitness to make a heterosexual relationship palatable?

We've seen several times that Kelvin is not attracted to women -- he actually find touching them repulsive.  But who cares?  Dating Taryn, even if they don't get physical, will eliminate the gay rumors and make his life 1,000 times easier. He'll enjoy all of the "Heterosexual Privileges": 
  • No fear of being fired because people think you will corrupt their children
  • No one yelling that God hates you
  • Being able to discuss your relationship with family and friends
  • Not being the subject of offensive names, gestures, and jokes
  • Not worrying about being the victim of a hate crime
  • Not being harassed by the police when you call to report a crime
  • Receiving public recognition of your relationship
Next question: Plus-sized women are typically portrayed as unattractive.  Why cast Maggie Winters as Taryn, other than her comedic talent, of course.  To demonstrate that Kelvin is interested in her solely as a beard? Or as a meta-reference to the plus-sized Rebel Wilson, who played Adam Devine's girlfriend in three movies, suggesting that Kelvin is indeed attracted to her?

But be careful, Kelv Baby.  In this universe, cheating on your true love is the worst sin imaginable.  It doesn't matter that Keefe broke up with you.  It doesn't matter that Taryn would save you from being outed.  If you stray, you will be punished. 

This is definitely the nadir of the Kelvin/Keefe relationship.  Even after seeing the entire season, knowing what is going to happen, I'm starting to get anxious.

But on the bright side, does anyone still doubt that they were a romantic couple?

Bonus: to reduce your anxiety, Gideon brought pizza.

Ok, ok, I'll post another boxer.

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