Tyler Crumley: Adam Sandler's bully grows up, celebrates Pride, goes to college in...Murfreesboro? With some d*cks and other parts

 

You probably haven't seen Tyler Crumley as the teenage version of Willoughby Kipling, a Knights Templar and master of chaos magic,  in Doom Patrol (2022).

Or as the chief bully who torments man-child Adam Sandler in Hubie Halloween (2020).

Or as a banjo-playing kid on an episode of Dolly Parton's Heartstrings (2019).

How about the ten-year old Manson in Undercover Brother 2 (2019), with Michael Jai White as the Undercover Brother?

Jason Sudeikis' kid in Driven (2018)? 

The kid who would grow up to be Jake Johnson (left) in Tag (2018)?

17 acting roles, nothing terribly heteronormative, but nothing of particular gay interest, either.

Tyler still gets a profile because:

1. Ar 5'5", he's a member of the Short Guy Brigade.  Look how he's dwarfed by the 5'10" Adam Sandler (a few years ago).

2. The last name Crumley is distinctive.  It sounds like it belongs in a Richie Rich comic book, where characters are named after their main personality trait: "This is my Cousin Crumley."

There are actually several Tyler Crumleys out there, including a woman in Fort Worth; a baseball coach in Georgia; a maintenance technician in South Carolina; a builder from Etowah, Tennessee; and a disabled young man who scored a very attractive prom date due to his uncanny resemblance to Chris Hemsworth.

As you can see.

More after the break

'Chad Powers": A-hole footballer disguised as a college student, with a gay roommate and lots of bare chests. And other bare stuff.

I have no interest in -- or knowledge of -- football, but when the new Hulu series Chad Powers is advertised by two hunks gazing at each other, ready to fight or kiss, what choice do I have?  

Wait -- the two hunks are both Glen Powell, who you recall from Scream Queens and Top Gun: Maverick.  He's playing Russ Holliday, a famous college football player who was cancelled after an altercation with a kid in a wheelchair (and various other a-hole acts).  He schemes to get back into the game by creating a new identity, Chad Powers, and playing for the  struggling Catfish football team at South Georgia College (like, he's catfishing them, har har).  Presumably he'll take classes, too.   

Left: Glenn's butt.

In Episode 1.1, he steals a lot of supplies from his Oscar-winning makeup artist Dad to create the character, goes to the campus, and has a meet-cute with team mascot Danny (Frankie Rodriguez), a fashion-and-pop culture junkie who offers to help him with the deception.  "Your new identity needs to be a modest, likeable guy.  Just play the opposite of yourself."  Danny is also a makeup artist. Dude is obviously gay.  

I'm reviewing Episode 1.2, where Russ tries to maintain his new identity at a party at the coach's lake house -- shirtless hunks are promised.

Scene 1:  Russ and Danny are behind the building, near the dumpsters.  Russ roils at his prosthetic cheeks, but Danny insists: "You have to become Chad Powers. But don't talk much."  Dylan (Jordan Mendoza) arrives with his new identification materials and transcripts, "but I couldn't find him a home address."  No problem, he can stay with Danny.  Tell me more. 

Gross -- there's a bug burrowing into his prosthetic cheek!

Frankie Rodriguez is gay in real life, and has played gay characters in High School Musical: the Series, Modern Family, and Will and Grace.  I'm sure that Danny is gay, too, but they may not give us more than a few hints.

Scene 2:  Football practice.  Subplot involves the fussy Coach (Steve Zahn) and his assistant, secretly his daughter (doubtless also Russ's Love Interest). 

Coach summons Russ/Chad to note a problem with his transcripts: he was homeschooled in West Virginia, in a wilderness surrounded by wolves (nope, no wolves east of Minnesota).  So how did he manage to play high school football?

"Oh, I played...um...with the wolves."

Um...ok.  The Coach needs a winning season, or he'll be fired, so he's willing to suspend his disbelief.

Next Gerry (Colton Ryan), from the scout team and backup, introduces himself.  So far, we have five named male characters.  I'm getting a testosterone high. Who cares what a "scout team" and "backup" are?

80% of the photos Colton Ryan's Instagram show him hugging, kissing, and frolicking with a lady, and the other 20% show her alone, dressed as a man, showing her legs, smooching at the camera.  I'm guessing that he's straight. 

Wait, here's one where he's by himself.

Back to Chad Powers: Gerry teaches Russ/Chad his secret handshake, "a p*ssy symbol, because I get a lot of it."  I know -- I've seen the first 300 pictures on your Instagram. 

Gerry may want to be friends, but the other players ridicule Russ/Chad, especially Bully Nishan (Xavier Mills).

They start the practice.  Russ/Chad screws up and is demoted to backup: "Hey, Flowers for Algernon, this is where you grab this clipboard." Literary reference, har har.

Football research: There are two quarterbacks on each team. The Starting Quarterback is chosen for his ability to draw photo-ops, fawning articles, and hefty donations from boosters.  The Backup does the grunt work while the other players call him names.  But if the Starting Quarterback is injured or traded to another team, won't the Backup take over, and the players who thought he was worthless will have to do what he says? 

On the sidelines, Russ/Chad asks his Love Interest why Coach demoted him to Backup.  "The Starting QB hasn't been decided yet," she assures him.  "Coach wants you and Gerry to compete for the role."  

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Nick Arapoglou: A Hasidic boy, a straight drag queen, a gay Muppet, the Sex Toy Teen's Dad. With his backside and a n*de Chris Evans

In Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.4, the Sex Toy Guy (Nick Vardakas) attends Keefe's Ice Cream and Wieners Party with his Dad (Nick Arapoglou).  Biker Clarence happens to be there, and  tells them that Keefe bought out his adult store's entire inventory of "butt-buzzers."  Afraid of being outed, Keefe says "that's just something we used to do with the kids." Great idea, buddy.  Now they don't think you're gay, they think you're into kids.

Later, the parents meet with Kelvin to complain that Keefe is "weird" and not qualified to be a youth leader. Dad continues: "With all the rumors swirling around you, can't you see how strange this all looks?"

"There's rumors about me?" Kelvin asks, shocked.  

Jack: And then Kelvin said...he said...

Karen: That no one knows he's gay!

The real-life Nick Arapoglou (a gay ally) was born in Huntington, New York, but moved to Atlanta as a child.  He was a Drama Club Kid in high school, appearing in an al-fresco production of Midsummer Night's Dream (in a real forest).  

He received a B.A. in drama from Indiana University in 2007, then returned to Atlanta, where he became a mainstay of the theater scene.

Nick's theatrical performances include:

A closeted gay guy in Speech & Debate (2009)

A straight guy in the queer-themed Spring Awakening (2011). 

My Name is Asher Lev (2012), based on the classic coming-of-age novel by Chaim Potok, about a Hasidic Jewish boy torn between his religion and his art.

The Gifts of the Magi (2012), based on the O. Henry story, where Nick met his future wife Caroline.

Bobby Strong in Urinetown: The Musical (2013).

Romeo in Romeo and Juliet (2015)

The Toxic Avenger (2016), based on the 1984 movie about a slime-covered superhero.

A straight Elvis impersonator turned drag performer in The Legend of Georgia McBride (2017).

Straight Muppet Princeton and gay Muppet Rod in Avenue Q (2023), which won him the Suzi Bass Award for best actor in a musical.

Plus he has 33 acting credits listed on the IMDB, beginning with Frat Guy in the short Married Sex (2009) and Fashion School Kid (probably queer coded) in a 2011 episode of Single Ladies.  

More after the break

"The Bondsman": Kevin Bacon fights demons, sings country-western music, trunks Tater. With Bacon's d*ck and Will Robinson's muscle

A bail bond service will pay your bail, so you can stay out of jail while awaiting your trial.  If you don't show up, the service loses that money, so they hire a bail bondsman to track you down.  Regulations differ from state to state, but generally bail bondsmen cannot carry guns, enter property without permission, or use force to arrest the bail jumper.

But not this Bondsman, played by Kevin Bacon in the new paranormal drama on Amazon Prime.

Left: Kevin  bulging in 1980

Scene 1: Night.  A pick-up truck drives down a desolate highway in rural Georgia and stops at the Holiday Hotel -- the kind where the rooms open right onto the parking spots, where you used to stay before the Holiday Inns took over. 

The Bondsman looks at a photo of his target, - wraps his gun belt around his waist (nice crotch shot) -- and bangs on the hotel room door.  

Left: Kevin's cock in 2005. 

The guy inside yells for him to "F*ck off," so he he puts a hornet's nest in the air conditioning duct, and when the guy rushes out, nabs him.  

But he's not the target, he's Billy Earle (Daniel Norris), who's supposed to be in prison. 

The tip was a fake, to lure him to the hotel!  Billy's brother appears out of nowhere and shoots the Bondsman across the parking lot, then slits his throat.  He dies a very bloody death.  Wait -- if it was a set up, why did Billy hide out inside the hotel room?  Shouldn't he be waiting to ambush the Bondsman the moment he gets out of his car?

Left: Kevin's buns.

Scene 2: The extremely dead Bondsman comes back to life, interred behind the dry wall in a hotel room.  He pushes through and examines the gaping hole in his neck.   Better start wearing ascots, buddy.

Tater (Mike Kaye) comes in, talking on the phone about how hardcore the Earle Brothers are, and his parents are starting to charge him rent.  He screams; the Bondsman knocks him to the ground.

He explains that the Earle Brothers hired him to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but he didn't know there was an undead body inside.  

The Bondsman handcuffs him, shoves him in the trunk of his car, covers his neck hole with duct tape, and drives away.

Scene 3: The Bondsman driving recklessly down a two-lane highway.  I guess if you're dead, it doesn't matter.   He arrives at Halloran Bail Bonds, located in a gas station in Landry, "a fictional town brimming with cases of demonic possession"

Phone message: He' s joined the Pot o'Gold Corporate Family.  Pot o'Gold is the title of the episode, so it must be important.

Leaving the whimpering Tater in the trunk, the Bondsman goes to the bathroom and checks his neck hole -- it's healed.  

Scene 3: He rushes over to the house across the street and tells his Mama that he needs to find the Earle Brothers right away -- "Ugh, what's he doing here?" It's Pastor Ron (Dave Macomber), who kicked Mama out of the church.  She can come back, if the Bondsman stops detaining skips during the services.  Are there a lot of bail jumpers who go to Sunday services in Landry?

Mama: The Earle Brothers got out of jail; their bail was posted by Lucky Callahan, who is dating the Bondsman's ex-wife.  Mama hates the "damn Yankee"; she won't have her grandson raised by a Boston Red Socks fan!   So Lucky posted the Earle Brothers' bail and hired them to kill the Bondsman just so he wouldn't get back together with his ex?  That's a big grudge.

Scene 4: Dang it, let Tater out of that trunk!    The Bondsman forges Lucky's name on an arrest warrant.  Another robocall from Pot o"Gold!  He unplugs his phone, but they are calling all of his cell phones, too.

Next the Bondsman puts some murder and body-disposal tools in the trunk with Tater and drives to a nightclub, The Boxcar ("Hog Roast Hoe Down Next Week!").   Lucky's car is outside: "Boston Red Sox Fans."  

The joint is huge on the inside.  Ex-Wife Maryanne (Jennifer Nettles) is singing "When Will I Be Loved," by Linda Ronstadt:

I've been cheated, been mistreated.  When will I be loved?

I've been put down, I've been pushed 'round. When will I be loved?

She sings the entire song -- the high point of the episode.

Suddenly Hub spots Red Sox Fan Lucky, and follows him through the kitchen, past the line cook (Brandon Alston, left) into the back:

More after the break