"Proper Gym Etiquette": Robert Oberst punishes the jerks you see at the gym
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"Human Discoveries" Episode 1.1: Paleolithic hunks invent underwear. With nude Zac Efron and Milo Ventimiglia
Human Discoveries (2019) is an animated series (available on Facebook) about a group of Paleolithic humans who discover things like fire, relationships, and underwear. Zac Efron stars as Gary, a loveable nebbish looking for love, community, and a way to avoid getting his butt bitten. Adam Devine appears in Episode 1 as the leader of an elk community. I reviewed the first episode, to check for gay characters or subtexts.
Scene 1: Ugg (Paul Scheer), a bare-chested caveman, comes running out of some bushes. I'm a fan already.
He and several other muscle guys run through the jungle, chased by a giant sabre-toothed tiger. They reach a cliff, and have to jungle-vine over it. Bart, doesn't make it; the tiger starts eating him. The guys make excuses to not save him.
Scene 2: Jane complains about the gender-inequality of their society: the women have to weave baskets and gather fruit, while the men get to fight the tiger that's been preying on them.
At a community meeting, Ugh admits that the tiger is still out there. Jane raises her concerns about gender equality; Gary (Zac Efron) agrees -- why not have everyone do the job they're best at? His roommate Trog (Lamorne Morris, left) thinks that he just wants to impress Jane.
Meanwhile, the elk are discussing their predicament as prey to the humans. Leader Elk (Adam Devine) complains: "Why are they cared of the tiger but not us? We weigh a thousand pounds, and have spears growing out of our heads."
Scene 3: Night. Gary and Jane flirt, and almost kiss, but they are interrupted by the camp guard being eaten ("Why is it starting with my feet?).
Back in the cave, Gary disapproves of the skirts they wear while hunting -- too easy for his dick to be injured -- so he sews in some nuderwear (nice butt shot) Trog disapproves: how can they poop with that thing on?
I know this isn't supposed to be historically accurate, but I can't help pointing out that no one in the Paleolithic Era actually lived in caves. They lived in tents, and in some regions huts made of mammoth bones.
Scene 4: The men go off to fight the tiger, and the women are assigned to weave baskets. Jane starts a rebellion: they're going to fight, too. But who's going to weave the baskets? Jane appoints an old guy who is a closet basket-weaver. "No more hiding!" he exclaims, displaying the baskets he has hiding in "the closet."
In the wild, Gary brags about the comfort and support his new genital hammock offers. Two of the hunters, Tristain and Bog (James Adomian, Sam Richardson) are a canonical couple: later, when the group discovers "relationships," they point out that they've been together for years. But here they just display some enthusiasm for each other's accomplishments.
Scene 5: The women dig holes and build scarecrows with spikes in the head, hoping that the tiger will attack and impale itself. But when the tiger arrives, chasing the men, it is not impaled. It approaches Gary -- who poops his pants, distracting the tiger long enough for Ugg-- to spear it.
Unfortunately, the women were so busy building the scarecrows and digging holes that they forgot to gather any fruit to eat. So Ugg decrees that the gender-polarized work assignments will remain.
More after the break
"Bad Ideas with Adam Devine": When you need to f*k the Sadness in a hurry. With bonus buddy bulges and butts
But you don't have time for a whole movie, or an episode of Workaholicsor The Righteous Gemstones. What do you do?
1. Compete in the World's Hottest Pepper Eating Contest, in the Bahamas. With Thomas Middleditch from Solar Opposites
2. Compete in a demolition derby, the Night of Destruction, at Perris Auto Speedway, near Riverside, California. With Blake Anderson from Workaholics
Blake bulging as a cop-stripper
3. Become stunt performers in a Western movie (after seven minutes of training). With Rebel Wilson from Pitch Perfect
4. Drive an ice cream truck up highway P3 in Peru, called "the Death Road" for its hairpin turns and 1000 foot drops. With Anders Holm from Workaholics
More after the break
"TIme Cut": Girl travels into the past to stop a murder, with Griffin Gluck's boyfriend and Zane Phillips' dick
Netflix recommended Time Cut, 2024. I'm a sucker for time travel/time paradox science fiction stories, so why not a movie?
Scene 1: 2003. Sweetly, Minnesota, har har. Summer Fling -- her real name, har har! -- goes to a barn dance-themed party. Quinn (Griffin Gluck), the nerd with the unrequited crush on her, didn't think she would come, due to the serial killer targeting teens in the area. He tries to give her a card confessing his love, but before he has a chance, Ethan (Samuel Braun, below), the obnoxious jock whom she is dating, drags her off.
Cut to the dance. Jock Ethan suggests that they raise their cups in memorial to the three dead teens, while a Michael Myers-masked killer stalks outside, and a police car zooms over the bridge.
Uh-oh, Summer fling spills something, and goes to the empy bathroom to clean up. The state police arrive to break up the party, but Summer doesn't hear them. The killer arrives, chases her around, and finally grim-reaps her to death. So he was going to wait until the party emptied out except for one person?
Scene 2: April 18, 2024. Lucy awakens in her bed, goes out to a porch swing to mourn her dead sister, who she couldn't possibly have known -- and checks on the status of her application to a 3-month internship with NASA -- she got in!
She scooters through town , which is in decay -- graffiti everywhere, town clock smashed, stores closed. 20 years ago the Slasher killed four teens, and the town went into its downward spiral. Turn the slasher barn into a tourist attraction, like Lizzie Borden's house.
In school, she tells her science teacher that she got in. He's ecstatic. But she can't tell her parents because this is the anniversary of their daughter's murder.
Out in the hallway, the students are all talking about the murders -- the biggest event in the town's history. Two were killed in the mall. "What the heck is a mall?", someone asks. Another at the Marine Museum, and the fourth at the big dance.
Scene 4: At home, Lucy visits her sister's old room, kept up as a shrine. Overwhelmingly pink, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer poster, a landline phone, a creaking floorboard...wait, there's something under there -- notes. "Summer, now I'll be free, but you'll never be. You'll regret this." Girlfriend had lots of secrets.
Scene 5: Dinner at the Olive Garden The server brings the "Field Family Special," and announces "You look so much like her." Come on, it's been 20 years. How does a casual acquaintance even remember?
Mom and Dad (Michael Shanks, left) are walking shells, immersed in their grief like Miss Haversham moaning over that 30-year old wedding cake in Great Expectations. They had Lucy as a substitute, but they ignore her individuality and accomplishments and just treat her as a reminder of her dead sister.
Lucy comes clean about her internship offer. "WHAT? Go to DC for 3 months? It's full of serial killers! You can get a job at the tech company like me." My Dad assumed that I would be going to work in the factory. He only agreed to college when I got a full scholarship -- he figured I would go to work in the factory afterwards.
Next stop: The abandoned barn where Summer was murdered. They've built a shrine full of photos, ceramic horses, Barbie dolls, and teddy bears. Way more than 20. They must come here every week.
This week's offering: a pair of flip-flops that Mom carefully engraved. Your living daughter is standing right there, idjit..
Uh-oh, Lucy forgot the offering she was going to leave. As she fetches it, she hears a machine beeping and thrumming from inside the barn! It's a weird techno-thing with a "start" button. Do not push "start" on a strange machine girl! She pushes it. Two lasers pop out and start thrumming, and zap! Her parents aren't around, and the barn is brand new. No bars on her cell phone -- no network! It's 2003!
Who put a time machine in the barn? This makes no sense.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
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