"It Ends with Us": Not a post-Apocalyptic thriller, a drama about a lady with clunky rings and a hunk named Atlas

  

It Ends With Us showed up in my Netflix recommendations.  Obviously a post-Apocalyptic movie about the last generation of humanity struggling for survival. The icon shows an elegantly dressed woman talking through her fingers at an elegantly-dressed man, but that must be before society falls apart.

Scene 1: The woman who talks through her fingers in the icon is driving through an autumnal road to a quaint New England town with a sign saying Plethora, Maine.  Maybe the  human race goes extinct due to a vampire outbreak. 

 She stops in front of one of those gigantic "middle class" homes, and hugs and cries with the woman inside.  Geez, she's wearing like a gold ring the size of a baseball on each finger. How will she stake vampires that way?

Wait -- according to IMDB, this isn't about vampires.  It's a drama about domestic abuse!  Why such a misleading title, almost identical to The Last of Us, about survivors of a zombie Apocalypse?

I'm still watching.  I never see dramas, so this will be an adventure in snarky comments. And it will be fun to watch a movie produced by, for, and about straight people, like going undercover in a foreign country.

The lady in the house tells the Finger-Talking Woman -- who has the ridiculous name Lily Bloom  -- that this is her father's funeral (thanks for letting her know!), then criticizes her for taking a job out of town, so she couldn't be by his side every second.  Oh, and she informs Lily that she is her mother. She acts so oddly that I thought she was the housekeeper.  Why would the wife of the dead guy say "your father's funeral" instead of using his name?  

Scene 2: Lily Bloom goes up to her room -- huge, cluttered with girly stuff like pictures of fairies and a ballerina music box.  She brought nothing with her when she moved out?

Mom follows her upstairs to say "He really loved you." Yeah, that's what all abusers say.  "At the funeral, you're going to have to say five things that you loved about him."  Um...er...he was...um...

Left: Dad Kevin McKidd, in 1996. 

Time for the funeral, at city hall, super-crowded -- Dad was the mayor, also a husband and a father.  Give him a medal!  Time for Lily's eulogy, but she can't think of anything, so she steps down from the podium.  Murmur, murmur.  

Scene 3: Back in Boston, Lily sits on the roof of a high-rise apartment building, no doubt planning to jump, but The Man of Her Dreams, Ryle (Justin Baldoni, top photo) bursts in, angry, kicking over chairs.  He joins her on the ledge to discuss how much he hates maraschino cherries.  She wants to know if he is upset over "a woman...or a man."  Acknowledging that gay people exist!  But I'll bet that's all the representation we'll see.  

They exchange job information, which I understand is common for straight people in their first meeting:  Florist, neurosurgeon.  Guess which Lily is. 

Their falling-in-love conversation takes up the next seven minutes of screen time, but they don't make a date for later. Are you sure there won't be any vampires?

Scene 4: Adolescent Lily in her bed,putting flowers into a scrap book. Gratuitous leg shot as she gets up, brushes her teeth, writes in her diary, and puts on her starter set of huge, clunky rings -- well, she couldn't write in her diary with them on, could she?  

Looking out the window, she sees a young man sneaking out of the abandoned house next door and sorting through the garbage for food.  

He gets on her bus!  She gazes in Boy-of-Her-Dreams longing.  Lily's going to have two abusive boyfriends? 

It takes about five minutes of screen time for her to arrange a meeting and get his story: "My Mom kicked me out...because..."  You're gay?  Nope: because she doesn't like him interfering with her boyfriends "beating the shit out of her."  They beat him up, too, but he can't mention it because he's macho.

Lily invites him home to shower and change clothes, and watch Ellen., with a gigantic bowl of popcorn between them.  A lesbian exists in their world.  He stares at her clunker rings; she criticizes the outfit that she gave him.  So, for straight people, is criticism like flirting?

Scene 5: The adult Lily heads toward the store she's leasing for her new flower shop, while Mom tries to discourage her on the phone: she saw on the internet that "45% of all flowers die."  Just 45% ?

As Lily is cleaning out the old stuff, a woman named Alyssa comes in to ask about the "help wanted" sign.  It's leftover from the previous owner, but Lily might need some help soon: "I'm opening a flower shop." 

"Ugh!  Never mind, I hate flower shops.  They're depressing, full of dying things." 

"You're hired!"  So you get a job by criticizing the job.

Montage of the two bonding over cleaning out stuff, painting, and so on.  

Alyssa's husband Marshall (Hasan Minaj) calls  -- darn, I thought she was a lesbian.  He's across the street with her brother, watching the Big Game, but she drafts him into helping out. 

Ulp: Alyssa's brother is -- Ryle the neurosurgeon!  

They gaze at each other for about three minutes of screen time.  Don't straight people, like, talk?  Finally Alyssa and Marshall get tired of it and suggest a double date.  

Cut to a karaoke bar, with Ryle and Lily trying to ignore their mutual attraction -- they're single adults, what's the problem? --  and Alyssa and Marshall aggressively pushing them together -- they've known Lily for like three hours, why do they care?  After about ten minute of screen time, they kiss.

Scene 6: Adolescent Lily on a picnic with the Abused Guy, whose name is Atlas (Alex Neustaedter).  The Greek god who is holding up the world, not the book of maps. 

Left: Atlas's dick

They discuss Lily's Dad beating up her mom.  In other news: Atlas will be joining the Marines, so they can't continue their relationship.

Scene 7: BFF Alyssa's birthday party, at her gigantic palace, with a living room bigger than a hotel atrium.  Around a thousand people there, all heterosexual couples.  Why does she want to work in a flower shop, again?

Lily runs into Ryle the Neurosurgeon again, and tells him, "Stop flirting with me."  Then they go up to his room and have sex. Mixed signals, lady.

Scene 8: In the morning, Lily walks the six miles down to a kitchen big enough to prepare meals for the population of a medium-sized city.  Apprised that she has spent the night, Alyssa cautions that Ryle the Neurosurgeon goes through women like candy mints.  He's ok for a hookup, but if you're looking for a serious relationship, forget it.  Then why were you so aggressively pushing them together?

More after the break

Jeff East: Tom Sawyer's boyfriend, Disney teen, young Superman, naked fratboy, Pumpkinhead prey.

If you were young in the 1970s, Sunday night meant either church or The Wonderful World of Disney, countless movies set in the wilderness chopped up into 40-minute segments.  It was dreadful, but at least you got to see a cadre of teenagers personally selected by Walt or Roy Disney to represent "youthful masculinity":  Tommy Kirk, Kurt Russell, Tim Considine, James MacArthur.  

And if you could tell your fundamentalist, "movies are sinful" parents that you were going to the library downtown and sneak into a matinee, you could see Jeff East and Johnny Whitaker playng boyfriends.

Born in 1957 in Kansas City, Jeff had virtually no acting experience when he was chosen from among 1,000 hopefuls in open auditions to play Huckleberry Finn in Tom Sawyer (1973), with Johnny Whitaker as Tom.

They appeared together again in Huckleberry Finn (1974), with a romance that would be impossibly overt today.

Plus they both showed bare chests and bare butts, which would never be permitted today.  

Jeff went on three Wonderful World of Disney movies about big animals.  Disney loved animal stars.

Return of the Big Cat (1974): he has to save his sister from a cougar.

The Flight of the Grey Wolf (1975): he tries to re-introduce a wolf into the wild.  Nobody flies.

The Ghost of Cypress Swamp (1977): he has to save his dog from a panther, and runs afoul of a crazy guy.

This was the era of the big name teen idols like Shawn Cassidy, and a guy who fought panthers couldn't compete.  Jeff got very little attention in the teen magazines.

Jeff moved on to his first "adult" role as a college student who participates in a deadly hazing in The Hazing (1977),  also released as The Case of the Campus Corpse to make it seem like a comedy.  

Again he takes everything off -- he spends about half the movie in nothing but a revealing jockstrap.

Displaying his butt again.

And he has a painfully intense, gay-subtext romance with his costar, fellow college student Charles Martin Smith.

 

Charles Martin Smith's butt in Never Cry Wolf (1983), about a government researcher living with wolves.  

What's with these guys and their wildlife?

More butts after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.9, Continued: Kelvin goes dark, Keefe goes down, and Captain America saves the day

Previous: Episode 1.9: Jesse is racist, Judy is a rapist, and Kelvin is the devil

He's not my boyfriend:  Earlier in the episode, Kelvin reveals that "he's coming apart," certain that his lack of interest in women and recent forays into "darkness" signify that he is the Devil.  The siblings tried to comfort him, but apparently it didn't help: he shows up at the teen group wearing a Goth teddy outfit, mascara, pale lipstick, dark glasses, and shiny vinyl pants, and announces "I have transformed myself into something Dark."  He's not Jesus, but a vile creature of sin.  He must leave them.  

But his replacement, Ronald Meyers (Josh Warren), is "pure": chubby, greasy-haired, an assistant manager at the GameStop.  One can't help but conclude that "pure" means "never had sex," a contrast with Kelvin, who obvioulsy has. 

Kelvin makes a dramatic exit.  Dot Nancy, whom he rescued from Club Sinister, scoffs, as if to say "What an idiot!", and follows. "Is this about your boyfriend?"  Notice that she is not being pejorative; she honestly believes that they are a gay couple.  

Kelvin corrects her:  "Ok, no, he's not my boyfriend. We're just a couple dudes who like to hang out. Why?"  He's being awfully nonchalant -- compare Season 3, where "rumors swirling around" drive him into a panic.  He's already the Dark Lord, a being infused by homoerotic desire, so why get upset over a simple mistake?

Fans who insist that "Kelvin is straight!" often point to this statement, but maybe they're not "boyfriends," partners in a caring, emotionally-fulfilling relationship.  Kelvin believes that Satan is all about sex, not love, so whatever he feels for Keefe -- whatever he does with Keefe -- must be driven solely by lust.   

That will all change in a moment, when Dot shows him Keefe's instagram page. He has returned to his old job as Baby Queef, a performance artist at Club Sinister: "The baby is back!"  and "Haven't I fallen far enough?"  

Responses from fans: "I'm psyched!  I can't wait!"  "We're off to never-never land!" 

Yelling "No, no, no," Kelvin rushes off. Why is he fine with turning into the Dark Lord, but upset when Keefe becomes one of his followers?  Maybe because his transformation was all about wallowing in self-pity, while Keefe's is for real. He is about to be destroyed, spiritually, psychologically, and maybe even physically.

Gideon in Haiti: Before we can find out what happens next with Kelvin and Keefe, we cut to Gideon in Haiti: colorful "third world" shots of goats, a taverna, Gideon  meeting a group of k*ds, and so on.  The Water 2 Haiti ministry reflects the real Water for Life, which has been sponsoring well digging and irrigation since 1983. 

Jesse tracks Gideon down and asks him to come home. He refuses: he's doing missionary work to expiate his sins, so he can find peace.   Jesse will have to find anothe way to reconcile with Amber.

Check out his reaction when Jesse notes that Scotty has died: eyes wide, mouth agape, trying to restrain a whimper.  Sure, the guy robbed and assaulted him, but he was still Gideon's first boyfriend, and apparently really good in bed.

BJ is Shocked:  Back to the Gemstone Compound, night.  BJ wants to do a grand gesture to get Judy back (you dumped her, remember?), but Brock the Security Guard makes fun of his name and won't let him in (he lived there before the breakup -- wouldn't Brock know him and let him by default?).  

Rejected at the gate, BJ says "It's time to be a man" and finds an isolated place with a fence he can climb over.  We get a good view of the amusement park as he sneaks through.   But the stealth plan doesn't work:  he is surrounded by security guards and tazed, killed in a death-and-resurrection scene.

A Transitive State: Meanwhile, Kelvin is trying a grand gesture of his own (you dumped him, remember?). He arrives at Club Sinister with yet another party going on (or is there always a party in the Satanic realm?)  He pushes through the crowd (and, significantly, shrinks back with audible “Ewww!” at the sight of a naked lady), and finds Keefe's old friend Daedalus.  

"Keefe is discovering some things about himself," he says. What does Keefe not know about himself?  Surely he knew that he was gay.  

Then: "I transformed him back into the earliest state of his being. He's sinking beneath his reality as we speak.  He's regressing to a transitive state."  I couldn't find an exact meaning for this phrase, but it probably means a state where you can be transformed into a different person.  

Kelvin threatens him: “Take me to him right now! I will f*ck you up!”  

The Isolation Tank after the break

"The Third Day": Jude Law in "The Wicker Man," with scissor goblins, a dead son, Will Rogers, and Dagliesh dick

 

The Third Day, on Netflix, had an interesting premise: an island where "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."  The "third day" is when Jesus rose from the dead, so there may be some people coming back to life.  Plus it stars Jude Law, who played gay characters in Wilde (1996) and The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), so I'm in.

Update:  It's hard to find.  It keeps changing streaming services, from Netflix to Hulu to MAX, as if the universe doesn't want me to see it.  

Scene 1: Sam (Jude Law) stops his car on a deserted road to call a woman: the money is in the office, 40,000 pounds cash.  Don't call the police; don't let Amboy in the house.  He stares into space for a long time, then walks into the woods.  Everything goes blurry.  Is he entering an alternate universe?

He stops at a brook, and lets a small striped shirt float away.  Mourning a dead son.

Scene 2: Suddenly Sam hears a girl yelling at her friend to let go of the rope.  He rushes over just in time for a friend let go and run away.  She is hanging herself!  He cuts her down and asks if she wants to go to the hospital, but she just wants to go home.  

On the way, he gives his back story: he used to work with troubled youth in social services, but now he runs a garden center in London; he's married with two daughters.  Heterosexual identity established, he asks if someone is hurting or scaring her at home, but she won't say.

Weird detail: she asks for water, and then puts salt in it.  Who drinks salt water?  Are her people aliens out of the Cthulhu Mythos?

Home is Osea Island, across a narrow, winding causeway that's only open at low tide.  Very stressful to get across.

Back story: Osea is a real island in Essex, accessible by a causeway at low tide twice a day.  Over the years it has been home to a naval base and a rehab clinic, but now it's privately owned.

They pass a amphitheater, a lot of porta-potties, weird giant figures, and brown-robed goblins attacking townsfolk with scissors.  The Girl says that there are only 93 people living on the island, but this year they are opening their pagan cult festival to outsiders, hoping to turn it in to a music festival and raise some money.  

Hundreds of people driving on that narrow causeway?  They'll be driving right into the ocean.

Scene 3:  The Girl doesn't want to go home to her dad (uh-oh), she wants to go to the pub, where the Martins take her into the kitchen, whisper anxiously, and occasionally peer out at Sam.  He checks for cell phone reception -- none -- and looks at the pictures on the wall.  Why are there three pictures of corpses?

Mr. Martin (Paddy Considine) returns and dumps a hasty explanation: "She wasn't trying to hang herself, it was just fooling around like kids do; she's not afraid of her father or anybody on the island; everything is fine.  Thanks for bringing her home, but you should leave -- NOW!"

But Sam has to get in touch with Aday from Scene 1 right away: he's a planning official who will be deciding on whether they can go forward with their plans to build a new center -- this afternoon!

Mr. Martin doesn't like that name -- "African, innit? Lots of African immigrants on the mainland.  Everyone thinks that they cause trouble, but some are ok."  Dude is racist.

After a long, inappropriate story about how he and his wife always wanted kids, but seven pregnancies didn't come to term, Mr. Martin offers to escort Sam to his car so he can LEAVE, NOW!   

Scene 4:  On the way, Mr. Martin reveals that the music festival will coincide with their "Esus and the Sea" ceremony,. Esus was a Celtic war god, but because of the similarity in the names, everyone thinks that the ceremony is about Jesus.

Left: Jude's butt

Mr. Martin begins to interrogate Sam: why were you so far from home, on such an important day?   Also, Mrs. Martin recognized you, so you're not here by accident, are you?

Uh-oh, his car is blocked in, they can't find the driver, and the causeway will be closing in about 15 minutes.  Don't they have ferries?

Mr. Martin changes the urgency of his advice to get out. "You'll have to spend the night.  I'll put you in a room at the pub."

"No, I need to get off this island now!"  Sam reveals that the burglars took 40,000 pounds in cash, that they were going to use to bribe Aday! That's sleazy, but not as sleazy as I ithought.  Maybe he's lying.

Martin reaches the obvious conclusion: Aday stole your money.  But why would he steal the money, when they were going to give it to him anyway?

More after the break