Arthur Napiontek: Comedian, model, geographer, heterosexist man-candy

 

In Pineapple Express (2008),  mild-mannered process server Dale (Seth Rogen), his dealer (James Franco), and their supplier (Danny McBride) must flee from thugs trying to kill them. At one point Dale goes to the high school to tell his underage girlfriend that he won't be able to have dinner her parents, because of that fleeing thing.

But then a hot guy named Clark (Arthur Napiontek) approaches.  She praises his performance in drama class.  He returns the gym shorts that she left in his car when they worked out last week, assures Dale that he will protect her in college next year, and heads out to home economics class: "It's time to suck today's dick!"   Obviously gay, but Dale is still jealous and agrees to go to the dinner after all. 

I'm not sure if the phrase "It's time to suck today's dick" is gay-positive or homophobic.

This was Art Napiontek's first major movie role.  Although the 21 year old was cast for his comedic talent, not his physique, he took his clothes off in The Brotherhood V (2009), one of those David DeCouteau movies where straight guys bond in their underwear.  

Oddly, most of his later movie and tv roles do not involve flexing.  He did manage to take his clothes off for a gig on Conan (the talk show, not the Barbarian), but otherwise he has played a series of fully-clothed frat boys and hot guys, usually in comedies. 

Occasionally with gay content but usually not: Looking is a gay-themed series, but Boys from the Bar (2011) is about straight bartenders in a gay bar who just want to watch the game, and Switch Hitter (2015) is not about bisexuals,

In real life, Art has a wife and child and posts about how much he likes vaginas, so I'll assume that he's heterosexual. This photo spread in OK Magazine assumes that only ladies are interested in "Man Candy." 

More Arthur after the break

Zac Efron's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Penis expert Adam Devine evaluates Zac Efron's. With some examples.

In Neighbors, 2014, Zac Efron plays a fraternity dude who butt heads with neighbor Seth Rogan. The Workaholics guys had a cameo as fratboys from an earlier generation, so Zac and Seth responded by applying for jobs on their show.

Zac wooes Adam by giving him a lap dance, and then whipping it out.  "Holy God, it's amazing!" Adam exclaims.  He's an expert on dicks, but he's never seen anything like it. "Did Leonardo da Vinci sculpt that? It's beautiful."

Of course, the guy with the biggest dick gets the job.

Adam didn't actually get to see Zac's dick that day, but he did in 2015, when they starred as hapless brothers in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.

"It's a very handsome dick," he tells us, "It's just as veiny as his arms." 

Later -- yes, he's asked about it a lot -- he said "It's as thick as his arm, and veiny!"

The guys were in the midst of a hot-and-heavy bromance that lasted until 2021, when Adam married Chloe Bridges.  So doubtless he's seen it many times since.

But we haven't.

Zac has appeared semi-nude several times in movies and on tv.  We've seen his butt.  We see his physique from the waist up all the time.  But he keeps the beneath-the-belt stuff reserved for girlfriends and bromantic partners.

Penis after the break

David Boreanaz and Friends: A tortured vampire, a fundamentalist FBI agent, a homophobic ghost, and a porn video

 Born in Buffalo in May 1969, David Boreanaz graduated from Ithaca College with a degree in cinema in 1991 and moved to L.A. to start his film career. Instead, he found his way onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-99).

Buffy Summers is The Slayer, the "one girl in all the world" with the power to kill the vampires, demons, and other evils who keep escaping from the hellmouth located in suburban Sunnydale, California, while trying to negotiate high school. 

Her scoobies include science nerd Xander (Nicholas Brendan, left); his girlfriend, a 1000-year old vengeance demon;  witch-in-training and eventual lesbian Willow; and  Willow's doomed, bury-your-gays girlfriend.

Not a lot of beefcake in the bunch, but the writers took care of that by giving Buffy lots of boyfriends, including two feuding vampires, the conflicted, tortured Angel (David Boreanaz, top photo), and the sassy punk rocker Spike (James Marsters).  

Literally tortured.  The writers kept trying to out-do themselves in thinking of creative ways to torture Angel.

I liked some of the adventures, such as when everyone in town had to sing instead of speak, or when grinning men who fed on fear started floating around.  And Buffy gave us two indispensable terms for analyzing tv shows, scoobies and Big Bad.  

The attitude toward LGBT people was a bit old fashioned.  Xander, upset because a lady demon rejected him, announces that he's going to go gay. Willow explicitly states that she was straight, but changed to gay.  Their handler shuts them all down, proclaiming that there's no time to worry about "orientations" when they're facing the most severe crisis of all time (every season).

In 1999  Angel left Sunnyvale, except for a few guest appearances, to start his own paranormal detective agency, in Angel (1999-2004).  His scoobies included Cordelia, a reformed high school Mean Girl; the half-demon Doyle (Glen Quinn),  and Wesley (Alexis Denisof, left), a "rogue demon hunter" -- at least in the first season.  Glen Quinn died, and there were many defections and replacements, doubtless because this was not a fun, tongue-in-cheek paranormal adventure.  

I had to keep watching due to a partner who was a big fan, but it got very, very dark.  Sure, Cordelia used to be a Mean Girl, but did that justify putting her through excruciating physical pain in every episode?  I insisted that he fast-forward past  the scene where Wesley's girlfriend spends five minutes dying, in the awareness that she has no soul, so she's headed for extinction. This is supposed to be entertainment?  F*k the Sadness. 

After Angel, David finally managed to break into movies.  I didn't see any of them, and probably won't.  These Girls (2005): high school girls blackmail a "slightly older hunk," who happens to be married, into having sex with them?  In 2005, David was 36.  But at least he gives us frontal and rear nudity.

Explicit David dick after the break