I'm following Braxton Alexander on Instagram because he appeared in two scenes in Season 3 of The Righteous Gemstones, and I thought his character was queer coded. Also he never posts any photos of him with a girlfriend, ever, so probably gay, right?
He's been pushing his fans to watch Free Bert (2026), a Netflix series based on the comedy routines of Bert Kreischer. Bert is known for ripping off his shirt (I like that) and getting fully nude (I like that, too). And here he appears to be pretending that his popsicle is a penis.
Several of the cast members have played gay characters or appeared in gay-friendly projects, so doubtless there will be some LGBTQ representation (and Bert fellating a popsicle).
Plus episodes are set at a pool party and during a "boys' weekend," so there are bound to be some hunks in Speedos (maybe even Braxton, who has never yet appeared shirtless on screen or in a modeling shoot).
I binged the series in two days, so I'll review it by plot thread, not by episode.
Bert Takes His Shirt Off: We begin with Bert performing at the birthday party of Rob Lowe (butt left, penis everywhere). The guests don't care about his comedy set; they just want him to take off his shirt, over and over. "It's comedy gold," Lowe assures him, but Bert feels like a sex object. What about his clever observations? I don't get it. Why would you want to see a guy with his shirt off unless you found him attractive?
Back home, Bert's wife LeAnn (Arden Myrin of The Righteous Gemstones) suggests that he tone down the f* word , put a shirt on, and try to be respectable, since they are sending their daughters Georgia and Ila (Ava Ryan, Lilou Lang) to an upscale private school. It has a Learning Disability Department, which Ila needs.
Hand Jobs: Trouble begins when daughter Georgia is ignored at school, so Bert plays her up on a podcast. The host asks if the 14-year old has ever given a hand job. "No, she's a good girl."
The next day, campus Mean Girl Kiersten has told everyone Georgia's shocking secret. She is despondent: "My life is over. What boy will look at me now?" So not giving a hand job is disgraceful for a girl, like a boy being a virgin?
Bert gets revenge during his act by criticizing the penis size of the Mean Girl's Dad, ultra-rich Landon Vanderthal (not Reggie Van Snoot?). The bit goes viral, and the Headmaster calls both sets of parents to a conference. Landon insists that his penis is very big, and he's willing to whip it out right there as proof. Things escalate; Georgia is suspended, and Bert banned from the campus.
Left: Landon is played by Chris Witaske, straight but the creator of the gay-friendly Chicago Party Aunt.
A Missing Scrotum: Back at school, Georgia steals the Mean Girl's boyfriend, Zac (Braxton). Bert goes berserk. He's banned from the campus, but he sends his wife to flirt with the security guard, marches into the locker room, and threatens to kill the boy. But then he discovers that Zac has a missing scrotum, so he can't have sex.
Nonsense. If you don't have testicles, you get prosthetics and testosterone replacement therapy. and everything works fine. How does he think transmen do it?
Demonstrations after the break. Caution: Explicit.