Mark Povinella: Two circus performers, a Snow White dwarf, a gay-subtext boyfriend, Ibsen's "Doll House," and two dicks

Several years ago, we gave up on Modern Family, the comedy about three interrelated "modern families,"  somewhere around Season 5.  But now we're starting it up from the beginning.  Last night was Episode 2.12, "Our Children, Ourselves" (2011).  In the B plot, gay couple Mitchell and Cam run into Mitch's old high school girlfriend, Tracy. She's married now, and she doesn't want anything to do with Mitch. 

1.  He came out on the night of their senior prom, ruining it for her (poor heterosexual lady, gays are such a problem!).

2. Nine years later he had sex with her at their high school reunion, and then cut off all contact, refusing her calls and texts 

Hold on -- they had sex?  Mitch explains that he wanted to see if he could do it.  Apparently dude is bi-curious.   

After Tracey brushes them off, the guys see her getting ice cream for a male person, then kissing the top of his head.  From their brief, obscured view, he looks like an eight-year old boy with red hair -- obviously Mitch's son!  You didn't use a condom for your hetero experimentation?  

After the usual agonizing and recriminations (but he hadn't even met Cam nine years ago), they decide that they want to be part of the boy's life, and show up at Tracy's house. After an embarrassing conversation where they are talking about different things, they discover that the person they saw was not  Tracey's son -- he was her husband  (the 3.9" Mark Povinelli). Well, they really pushed the misdirection -- why didn't the guy get his own ice cream?  

Cam and Mitch unfortunately brought a gift: a "Little Slugger" baseball glove.

With my usual interest in short guys, I wanted to know more about Mark Povinella.  I discovered that:

1. He has an impressive physique, as seen here playing Torvald in Mabou Mines DollHouse, an adaption of the Ibsen classic (on stage, plus filmed in 2009).

2. From 2017 to 2023, he was President of Little People of America, an advocacy group with 7,500 members in 70 chapters.

3. He has 51 acting credits on the IMDB, including episodes of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Pushing Daisies, ANT Farm, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Criminal Minds, and Deadtime Stories, but he is most famous for:

Water for Elephants (2011): during the Great Depression, Jacob (Robert Pattinson) joins the circus, and rooms with Kinko (Mark), with whom he develops a strong gay-subtext friendship while pursuing a heterosexual romance.

Mirror, Mirror (2012): A postmodern retelling of the Snow White story, with Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen, Armie Hammer as the Handsome Prince, and seven dwarfs.

Are You There, Chelsea? (2012), based on the drunken-humor memoir of Chelsea Handler, with Laura Prepon as the recovering alcoholic.  She works at a sports bar, with Mark and Jake McDorman as the bartenders.

Left: There are several videos of Jake McDorman's j/o sessions online.

More after the break.

"Happiest Season": Christmas romcom with lesbian couple, pansexual Patrick, Jake's junk, and Candy Cane Lane

Happiest Season, on Hulu, is advertised as "A Holiday romcom about being true to yourself and trying not to ruin Christmas."  The icon shows three heterosexual couples, an unattached woman, and what looks like a lesbian couple, but ten to one they're bickering sisters.  

But the husband on the left is Dan Levy, Patrick on Schitt's Creek, and the hunky Jake McDorman, top photo, is at the top of the cast list, so I'll give it a try.

Opening:  They're a lesbian couple!  The opening consists of watercolor-type pictures of two women, a blond and a brunette, meeting, falling in love, going to a family Christmas, celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, exchanging gifts, and moving in together.  They kiss twice, so it's unlikely that viewers will identify them as "just close friends."

Scene 1: A residential neighborhood decked out for Christmas, called Candy Cane Lane.  A tour guide gives its history: it was started by Herb Flack, with his nephew Otis playing Santa Claus "until he was arrested for child endangerment."  A pedophilia joke?   The ladies are taking the tour. 

The rich brunette is named Abby, and the poor blonde is Harper.  Somebody goofed --  Harper absolutely has to be the rich one.  It's impossible to keep their names straight, so I'll call them Rich Brunette and Blondie. 

Uh-oh, Blondie doesn't like Christmas, a major crime in these movies, and in real life during the month of December. Rush her to a re-education center, stat!  Brunette argues that it's impossible to not love Christmas -- I've heard that argument a lot -- but Blondie stands firm.

Next Brunette drags Blondie to a house that's not on the tour and up to the roof, so they can look down on the lights.  "Now you love it, right?"  Sure, trespassing makes any holiday more festive.

They complain about being separated for the holidays, kiss and...uh-oh, the homeowner hears them.  They slide off the roof, destroying an inflatable snowman, and run away.  The homeowner is a Santa Claus dominatrix and her reindeer-costume sub, har har.

Brunette has an idea: why not come to her parents' house for the holidays?  Wait -- the water-color intro already showed them with the parents at Christmas.  Blondie agrees.  They kiss for like five minutes. 

What happened to Herb Flack and Otis?  You can't name characters and then have them not appear.  We don't even see Candy Cane Lane again.

Scene 2:  The ladies' elegant brick house in downtown Pittsburgh.  Blondie works as a pet sitter?  Girlfriend must be an heiress. An old-fashioned phonograph playing a new song, "Jingle Bells" by Bayli, as Blondie says "We need to talk."  Uh-oh.  

It's nothing bad.  She just wanted to say that she got a substitute pet-sitter, John, so she can go.  Um...the first rule of fiction, even in frothy gay-positive fiction: there has to be conflict.

Cut to a coffee shop, where Blondie is giving John (Dan Levy) pet-sitting instructions.  Wait -- in the intro, he's celebrating Christmas  with the ladies and the parents.  I thought he was the Brunette's brother-in-law, married to the scary-looking sister.   

John is distracted because he left last night's hookup alone in the apartment, so he has to keep tracking him to make sure he leaves.  

Takeaway: he tracks all of his friends.  This will become important later.

In other news, Blondie is planning to ask Brunette to marry her.  John is against it: they're a perfect couple right now, so why spoil things with an archaic assimilationist ritual, trapping her girlfriend in "the iron box of heteronormativity"?

Also: she wants to ask Brunette's dad for his blessing first. You've been reading too many Jane Austen novels, girlfriend.

Scene 3:  Establishing shots of their trek out of the city into the deep, dark wilderness.  You know Pittsburgh is just an hour's drive from West Virginia, right?

Big reveal: When Brunette said that she was out to her parents, she was lying.  They think she is straight, and Blondie is her "roommate."  So, you're about 30, you haven't mentioned a guy in 15 years, and you're  living with a woman. Girl, they know.

And they can't come out now, because Dad is running for mayor, and he's trying to impress this important, homophobic doner.  Sounds like the plot of La Cage aux Folles.

Besides, he has made it very clear over the years that he will only love his children if they are perfect, and being gay is by definition imperfect, so she has a fake boyfriend played by Jake McDorman (butt left).

When they arrive, it turns out that there are three sisters and a scheming ex-girlfriend, all with long black hair, so I can't tell them apart.  But apparently they all have imperfections that they're keeping secret so Dad won't stop loving them:

Eldest sister and her husband are separated and divorcing, but pretending to be together.  The husband is played by Burl Mosely, seen here on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where he sings "Don't Be a Lawyer."

Brunette is an imperfect lesbian.

Youngest daughter is writing a Harry Potter-like young adult fantasy novel in secret. 

 Pop Quiz: What happens next?

1. T/F: Brunette dumps Blondie for her ex-boyfriend.

2. T/F: John agrees with Brunette's decision to stay in the closet.

3. T/F: John gets a romantic partner

4. T/F: There are several other LGBT characters.

5.T/F: When Brunette comes out, her parents are fine with it.

Answers and Jake's dick after the break.  Caution: explicit.