Gemstones Episode 1.7, Continued: Bisexual fish, Thai brothers, and Scotty with a broken heart. With a Thai dick bonus

Previous:  Episode 1.7, Keefe is in love, Scotty is hard, and everybody s*ks dick. With photos of guys doing it

Earlier in this episode, BJ left Judy due to her constant abuse, and Gideon left Scotty...for the same reason?  He also abandoned the plot to steal the Easter Sunday offerings. . 

Exclusively Female Fish: That night, Jesse and Amber are congratulating each other on his performance, when Gideon appears, fortunately with no scrapes or bruises from his fight with Scotty.

 Jesse encourages him to share "his special news" with Amber, but he says "I'm not in love with Scotty."

"In love with Scotty?" Amber repeats, confused.  She is apparently unaware of the existence of same-sex desire and romance.

Gideon clarifies: "I'm not.  I'm just your son, regular."  Wouldn't it be easier to say that you're straight?  But this show is notorious for talking around sexual identity.  The word "gay" appears only once in Season 2 and not at all in Season 3, even though it is essential to Kelvin's plot arc.

Jesse assures him that "there's a lot of handsome fish in the sea," but Gideon says that he's looking for "female fishes exclusively.  It was just a...."  

Just a what, Gideon?  Just a one-time thing?  It's impossible not to conclude that Gideon and Scotty had a sexual relationship.  There's not enough textual evidence to determine if the sexual activity began in California, or  in South Carolina, or if Gideon was ever in love with Scotty.  But we know that Scotty treated Gideon exactly as he treated his girlfriend Lucy, and to a lesser extent how Judy treated BJ.    

"Ok, so you're bi," Jesse concludes. 

Gideon protests that he's not bi, but his parents are so supportive, or he is so uncomfortable with the conversation, that he just lets it go, leaving the question open.

I suspect that the showrunners were unsure, when they planned the scene, if Gideon was going to be bisexual or not. They fuged by giving him no expressed romantic or erotic interest in anyone in Seasons 2 and 3,  The Kelvin/Keefe and BJ/Judy relationship plotlines were enough. 

You made your choice:  Later that night, Scotty returns to the compound.  Security chief Brock waves him through (Gideon really should have told him that Scotty is no longer welcome.)  Remember that his blackmail van is in Kelvin's garage?  He breaks the van through the garage door.  Keefe sees him but thinks it's just one of Jesse's car pranks.  Scotty then kidnaps Jesse and Gideon and takes them to Eli's house, where Eli  hands over the key to the church vault.  

At the church, after they load up the money, Scotty ties Jesse and Gideon back-to-back in the church vault, where they'll be rescued Monday morning,  and punches them.  "We could have been a killer team, the pussy brothers of Thailand," he tells Gideon. "Coordinating low-budget kung fu pics during the day, slammin' ass at night."  Presumably he means girls, but you never know.  

"But you made your choice, and you broke my fuckin' heart."  Wait -- Jesse said earlier that betrayal by a "loved one" can break your heart.  

It appears that Scotty actually had romantic feelings for Gideon..  He just didn't know how to express or experience. love without manipulation, threat, and control.

Bonus Thai dicks after the break

Skyler Gisondo on a "Just Guys" Vacation. Bi or Bromance?

 

Skyler Gisondo has a long-term girlfriend, but his social media is loaded-down with photos suggesting a romantic (or bromantic) interest in dudes.  Like Wyatt Oleff.  The two starrred together in the tv pilot Middle Age Rage (2013), and stayed friends, bonding over abs.

And stuff.  Actually, Wyatt says that he doesn't remember who this is.  He makes out with so many guys....

Last spring he posted several photos of a "just guys" vacation. 

 He didn't say who was with him on the raft, but they look very comfortable together.  

Hanging out in their underwear.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.7: Keefe is in love, Scotty is hard, and everyone s*ks dick. With pictures of guys doing it.

 

Previous: Episode 1.6: Kelvin sees Keefe's cock, and gets a big head.

In Episode 1.6, after the blackmail plot fell through, Gideon and Scotty came up with a plan to steal the $3,000,000 in offerings that the church receives during the Easter service.  Gideon had doubts, but then Scotty showed up at his parents' house, pretending to be a friend visiting from California! 

Title: "And yet one of you is a devil."  From John 6.70. Jesus is complaining that he chose 12 disciplines, and one will betray him.  I guess we know who the devil is.

Prayer Power: A flashback to the Prayer Power Convention in Atlanta.  Gideon comes into the hotel room, upset: he was planning to have dinner with his Dad, but Jesse ditched him to play drinking games with his crew.  Jesse insults him, ridicules his upcoming internship and "California dreams," and orders him out.  On the way, Gideon sets his camera to take the video he would use for blackmailing.  So he didn't run away; the family knew that he had an intership set up. Why did Jesse act as if it was a big mystery.

Gideon the soul-winner: In the present, Scotty is having dinner with the family.  He explains that he came to South Carolina for a stunt job, but he "got banged up" and had to drop out.  Then he says that he came to see Gideon, who brought him to Christ. The family is so overjoyed that the "prodigal son" has become a soul-winner that no one notices the contradictions.

Uh-oh, Jesse recognizes Scotty from somewhere!  His cover is almost blown, but Scotty claims that he had a recurring role as a rapist on CSI Miami.  Rapist -- interesting choice, since CSI is about murder (you gather forensic evidence from the crime scene).  Scotty is painting himself as a sexual predator.  I wonder if Gideon is his latest victim.

Amber insists that he stay with them. Gideon protests, but Scotty touches his hand, and he consents.  So, Scotty, do you want a guest room, or would you prefer to share Gideon's bed?

We cut to a scene of Eli giving the siblings their Easter assignments; Judy will sing during the collection, Jesse will preach the sermon, and Kelvin has to lead a youth group song and dance number, which angers him (he's the youth minister; what did he expect?)

Shirt on, shirt off:  In the morning, Scotty and Gideon stop at the security station on their way out of the compound.  Hey, Scotty has his arm on Gideon's shoulder.   Everybody who sees them will think that they are a romantic couple.   Scotty flirts with security guard  Brock: "If you get to L.A., I'll get you an agent."  But he needs head shots, shirtless shots, and so on.  This is way more than Scotty needs to get access to the compound.  He just wants to see Brock naked.  

I'm gonna be rock-hard: Cut to the guys having dinner (score: three dinners for Scotty/Gideon, none for Kelvin/Keefe).  They discuss the plan: on Sunday morning, after the offering is counted, Gideon and Martin will take it down the service elevator to the vault.  Scotty will be waiting, wearing his devil's mask, and rob them.  How will he get out of the church, with thousands of people milling about?

"As soon as the elevator door opens," he promises, "I'm gonna be rock-hard."  

"Nothing too big," Gideon cautions.  He can't help his size, dude.

To make it believable and not implicate Gideon, Scotty suggests tying him up, and using a few P-whips. This term is not defined online.  Could it mean penis-whip?

Scotty has more news: He got the sex tape fixed, so he can do the original blackmail plan in addition to robbing the church. "This is what you always wanted," he says. "We destroy your old man."  Gideon is not so sure that he wants Jesse destroyed.

Tell TJ to walk out: Cut to Judy announcing to Baby Billy that they will be performing during the Easter service. But Baby Billy doesn't want to: "too little, too late."  BJ protests, and Billy orders him to leave.  Judy agrees: "You're making me look like an idiot.  Go outside!"  Uh-oh, disrespecting your boyfriend.  Since the Kelvin/Keefe plot runs parallel, we should be expecting some discord in their relationship soon.

Billy continues: "Your Daddy is a fame whore.  He'd suck a man's cock in the middle of town square if he thought it would make him famous forever. He'd suck ten men's cocks."  Being outed as gay or bi is the most embarrassing thing Billy can think of. This may suggest a general attitude of homophobia that will make Kelvin's coming out difficult.

Part of the Family: Jesse takes everyone  out on his yacht.  Scotty complements the family on how close they are,  His own dad is in prison.  Jesse offers to be his Daddy, and hugs him.  Eli never once hugged Keefe.  Of course, it's just an act; Scotty waggles his tongue at Gideon over Jesse's shoulder, a vulgar gesture similar to what Keefe experienced at the sports bar.  Wait -- is he teasing Gideon, or offering to have oral sex with him?

Is it all an act?  Scotty seems to like being part of the family

The Prayer Circle: Just before the Easter service (17,000 people in the Salvation Center, six million world wide), Eli, the siblings, their partners, and Martin have a prayer circle, Kelvin/Keefe are holding hands and praying.  Scotty is holding Keefe's hand and glaring.  Why isn't he standing next to Gideon, his "friend"? 

I Have to Be a Man:  We see a few moments of Levi's Christian rock number, then switch to Kelvin leading the teens in their song-and-dance.    Keefe, working security in the bleachers, seems to be making an "I love you" gesture. 

Meanwhile, Gideon is in the bathroom, throwing up, and Judy rejects Eli's offer of singing during the offertory.

Cut to Judy's dressing room.  She criticizes BJ for asking if she's ok.  He counters that he is not even religious, but he has always been there for her.  She continues to berate him for attempting emotional support until he's had enough and leaves: "I have to stand up for myself.  I have to be a man." He starts crying and runs away. Judy throws her engagement ring after him.  .

"What is a man?" is an ongoing question of the season.  It was discussed in Gideon's "welcome home" dinner.  Kelvin declares that he is "a man" frequently.  The definitions are contradictory: being muscular; controlling your emotions; being in charge; standing up for yourself; being heterosexual.  Maybe we'll get a resolution when the episode continues.

Guys doing it after the break.  Warning: explicit.

Gemstones Episode 1.6 Continued: Scotty flirts, BJ is spanked, and Kelvin says "Let's hook up." With bonus Kenya cock

Previous: Episode 1.6: Kelvin sees Keefe's cock, and gets a big head.  Sounds like a fun evening

Earlier in this episode we saw a lot of innuendos about Kelvin and Keefe's relationship going to the next level.  Now it's time to concentrate on Gideon and Scotty.

They are very rude: Since the van is gone, Scotty has to live in a tent. Why doesn't Gideon spring for a cheap hotel?   Gideon tries to help him set it up, but he goes dark again: "I'm tired of this shit, and I'm tired of your fucking family! They are very rude people!"  But at least he looks hot in a black vest with no shirt.

"The van in my uncle's garage," Gideon tells him.  Completely ransacked, with all of Scotty's stuff taken.  Scotty is irate: he needed that stuff!

Cut to Jesse and Kelvin informing the crew that they have the van. Inside they found a sleeping bag, tongs, a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics (so Scotty is a Scientologist?), some potato chips, some beans, soiled Q-Tips, and yellow, crusty paper towels. Conclusion: the blackmailers are "fucking amateurs."

Suddenly all of them get a phone call from Scotty.  He wants his van and his stuff back, or "I'm a fuck your life in the ass."  I'm surprised no one riffed on that.  "I'm a release the video."  

Back at the campsite, Scotty and Gideon clasp hands.

Jesse doesn't think he has the video, and tells him to fuck off.

My Slim 3: After scenes with Baby Billy and Judy at the Salvation Center, rehearsing. and Jesse and his crew (without Kelvin) throwing their ceremonial coins into the swamp, we return to the campground.  Gideon has brought lunch for the two of them (Subway-type hoagies). but Scotty goes beserk, destroys his sandwich, and yells that he's going over to the Compound right now to kill Jesse.  Gideon points out that this will keep them from getting the three million dollars from the church's Easter offerings.  Scotty gives up the plan, and grabs Gideon's sandwich, a "Slim 3."

Kelvin comes out on top: Meanwhile, no doubt as a reward for his success with Dot Nancy, Eli has assigned  Kelvin the job of learning enough Swahili to greet the Kenyan refugees who will be welcomed into the church on Sunday   He's already learned fuju karibu, which means "mess around," "have sex."  (He wanted karibu, "welcome."   Uh-oh.)  Judy disapproves, and physically assaults Kelvin. 

Why Kenya, when it's a haven for refugees, not a source  (it's the 13th largest asylum country in the world, with 650,000 refugees)?  Maybe because Swahili is the most well-known African language (viewers might not recognize Hausa or Xhosa). Or because it's 60% Protestant, so joining the Salvation Center makes sense. 

Jambo instead of Karibu: After a scene where Jesse tries to reconcile with Gideon (they admit that they "like" each other), we cut to the church.  As the Kenyan refugees file onto the stage. Kelvin says "Jambo!" and tries to make small talk ("I like your outfit!"). Keefe hands each a white rose.  Two takeaways here: Kelvin is pushing up the flamboyance, and he and Keefe are already inseparable. 

Meanwhile, Eli yells at Baby Billy for stealing his daughter ("Just like you took Aimee-Leigh").  The incest runs hot and heavy with these guys.

Spank that ass:  Judy is in her dressing room, preparing to perform with Baby Billy at the satellite church.   BJ offers her some tea to calm down, but instead she pulls down his pants and wants to spank his bare butt.  He refuses, so she slaps his dick: "Let's see that snowy white dick!  I need a release, dude!'  

He refuses again,  but he does gift her with a soda machine (a parallel to Kelvin's), and retreats to the car so she can masturbate.

This scene is parallel to the "mushroom head" scene earlier in the episode. Both partners become nude, BJ by design, Keefe by accident.  Judy's response is aggressive, masculine-coded, while Kelvin's is passive, feminine-coded. Judy's attempt to make everything about sex, and Kelvin's attempt to ignore his erotic desires, create the conflicts with their partners that will lead to their breakup and reconciliations.

More spanking after the break

Gideon Memes: impressing a cute boy, the amazing technicolor dreamcoat, and his first fully clothed scene in five years

If your abs don't impress him, Faulkner won't

Teenage Gideon at the sleepover: This is fascinating.  Reminiscent of the early Faulkner, with the homoerotic subtexts that one often finds in Southern Gothic fiction.

The cute boy he's trying to impress: Dude, that's a blank scrapbook.

 Perform with your shirt off.  No one will notice.

.

Room for one more.

More Gideon after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.4 Continued: Dot drives Kelvin crazy, Keefe refuses a bj, and Gideon and Scotty date, With bonus Daedalus dick

Previous: Episode 1.4 : Keefe looks for love in a sports bar, and Kelvin meets a girl.

Earlier in Episode 1.4, we learned that Keefe is gay, and Kelvin is afraid of sex, or maybe just the phallus. Next we see a normalization of the Gideon-Scotty relationship.  Instead of being terrorized by Scotty, Gideon seems to actually like and care about him. This suggests disagreements among the showrunners about where the characters should go, similar to seeing Kelvin and Keefe as good buddies in one episode and romantic partners in another.

I'll let you buy me dinner: At the campground, Gideon gives Scotty the intel he learned from Martin: they receive an offering of over $1,000,000 on normal Sundays, but on big holidays, $3,000,000.  It's counted and placed in the vault overnight Sunday. On Monday it's deposited into the bank.  Wait -- is that all in cash?  Don't people just throw a few bucks in the offering plate?  If they're going to donate a lot of money, they'll write a check, or just have it deducted automatically from their bank account.

Scotty "goes dark" for a moment, brags about his own stuntwork, and criticizes Gideon's.  Then he becomes downright friendly and says "I'll let you buy me dinner."

You Shine: Cut to Kelvin appearing at Dot's lacrosse practice at North Jackson High School (in-joke: this is where Danny McBride's character worked in his earlier series, Vice Principals).  Like her boyfriend, Dot's friends think that Kelvin has a sexual interest.  The background music, Sweet Cheater's "Summer," supports them:

It's driving me crazy, making me wild in the summer,

Spending my time alone with you

Take a ride, baby, to the stars, in the backseat of my car

Ooh yeah, it feels so right, you belong with me tonight

Dot insists that he's harmless, and goes over to talk to him.  Struggling ludicrously to adopt teen slang, Kelvin invites her to a teen group meeting that night: "If you like it, great. If you don't, you'll never see me again." Weird way to phrase it, Kelvin -- sounds like you're interested in seeing her, not getting her into the church. 

Dot agrees to come, whereupon Kelvin leans over, stares into her eyes, and suggests: "No boyfriend tonight. Just you.  You sparkle without him."  Ulp, that sounds even more like "I am attracted to you. I want to date you."   He then tries to impress her by jumping over the chain-link fence (and failing).

Fan boards lit up with this exchange: "Hallelujah, my boy is straight!"; "I knew he had it in him!"; "Got the hots for the lady!"  The age of consent in South Carolina is 16, so sex with Dot would not be a crime.  But the power differential would make it wildly inappropriate, so a Kelvin-Dot romance is out of the question.  Still, the inference is there. Why?  

Since Kelvin is invitng Dot to a teen group, this can't be a holdover from an earlier draft where she was older.  Maybe it tells us that Kelvin can't even conceive of flirting with a girl, so he has no idea what his actions look like.    

Dot at the Youth Group:  We cut to the youth group meeting at the Sky Zone, an indoor trampoline park on Wando Park Boulevard in Mt. Pleasant, a suburb of Charleston with many Gemstone sites. Lots of kids somersaulting on bouncy-walls, and Keefe stretching Kelvin from behind as he groans "Harder. Harder.   Yeah, oh, that's good."  Acting like they're having anal sex, har har.

Notice that they're both wearing "Faith Factory" T-shirts, but none of the kids are. Keefe is now Kelvin's assistant youth minister. 

Dot appears.  Kelvin is "super-pumped that you didn't bring your idiot boyfriend."  Do you still think he's straight, after the sex joke?

He clears a space.  Keefe says: "These feats of physical strength are amazing."  Yeah, Kelvin is hot.   He performs some professional-looking acrobatic stunts.

Gideon and Scotty's Date: Dinner is pizza and beer at the Shem Creek Restaurant in Mount Pleasant, to the rather suggestively sexual song “You Knock Me Out.” 

The way you talk when you say what you see

Your smile breaking my words – you knock me out.

The way you shake it, baby -- what’s on your mind?

The way you get when you get down – you knock me out. 

Apparently Scotty or Gideon, or both, are overwhelmed by the intensity of their passion.

 Scotty calls Gideon "Little Lord Fauntleroy,” a rather archaic phrase for a fragile, polite, feminine-coded “sissy,” named after a character in the 1886 novel by Francis Hodgson Burnett.  In the 1936 movie version, Freddie Bartholomew’s Ceddie is redeemed through a homoromantic bond with the tough Mickey Rooney    Likewise, here Scotty seems to be trying to masculinize Gideon, complimenting him on his ability to smoke, drink, and swear:  "I like this side of you, man."  They smile at each other, caring boyfriends far removed from the toxicity of Scotty’s earlier rant.

Knowing what comes after, I wonder if presenting Gideon and Scotty as romantic partners is a holdover from an early draft, in which Gideon is the gay character, and Kelvin begins dating Dot.  Or it may be a misdirection, to draw attention from the Kelvin/Keefe romance and keep viewers guessing which will turn out to be gay. 

ner is pizza and beer  at the Shem Creek Restaurant, while in the background we hear "You Knock Me Out," by the Chuck Hall Band -- apparently Scotty and Gideon are immersed in an overwhelming passion.

Gideon explains how he came to make the video: things were tense between him and Jesse, so his mom made him go to a prayer convention.  Jesse had his friends in his hotel room, and didn't want Gideon around. "Dude wanted to fuck," Scotty says.  So Gideon left, but on his way out, he hid  hid his phone with the video on, in case anything interesting happened.  He ended up taping Jesse's sex-and-drugs party, and decided to blackmail Jesse to "get even."

Scotty envisions their new life in Thailand, after stealing the money from the vault. He mentioned the ladyboys earlier, but it's worth repeating that Thailand is a well-known destination for gay tourism.  He also wants to repair the hard drive containing the sex-and-drugs party video, so "we fuck your Daddy in the butt again."  Very graphic way of putting it, with an incest-subtext. 

Then he recalls their first meeting.  Gideon was wearing a wig to be the stunt double for a woman (wigging," remember?), and Scotty was attracted: he came up behind him and grabbed "like you were a little piece." He means "a piece of ass," a potential sexual partner.  Apparently he likes people who are androgynous or nonbinary.  

Left: Gideon's butt.  Not  Skyler Gisondo's

He continues: "But you weren't.  You were a friend."  Gideon didn't mind being grabbed; apparently he liked it, since he accepted being drawn into a relationship.

 "And I get you.  I know you way better than your family does."  He sounds like an abusive boyfriend: "No one understand you but me." 

We cut to another scene on this busy Friday night: Jesse and Amber counseling Chad and his wife Mandy about the aberrant emails ("we were just fooling around").  Of course they mention cum again ("Water squirt emoji does not mean 'cum' -- it means ejaculation"),  And we're off to Club Sinister.

Satanist cock after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.3, Continued: Gideon acts like a woman, Kelvin acts like a man, and chubby guys show their dicks

 

Previous: Episode 1.3: Kelvin outs himself, Scotty shoves a wiener into Gideon's face, and Jesse gets it all wrong.

God offers one thing:  Eli and Baby Billy attend a service at Locust Grove Baptist Church. where Rev. Seasons preaches.  The sermon: when people pray, they're really asking God to give them stuff.  But God only offers one thing: His love. Yawn -- Baby Billy is bored.  His church offers razzle-dazzle.

Later, at an after-church potluck, Baby Billy tries to mediate between Eli and Rev. Seasons, but it doesn't work: "Get the hell out of my church.  I got nothing to say to you."  Eli counters that he's been spreading lies about the Gemstones.  

Then: "What do you want, Eli?  You've got everything, and you want more.  Why are you so hungry?"  Eli responds by throwing a baked potato through a church window. Baby Billy is here the voice of reason.

As Eli stomps off, followed by a conciliatory Baby Billy, Rev. Seasons makes a throat-cutting gesture at some of his congregants.  We will see their dicks later.

Later, Baby Billy argues with Eli: he has to live in Locust Grove, and Eli is out there making him enemies.  "Well, what could I do about it?" Um...not throw a baked potato through his window?  Eli, increasingly unsympathetic, dismisses Baby Billy as a "two-bit con-man."  He never cared about the family, not even his sister Aimee-Leigh.  

Baby Billy calls him a "righteous Gemstone dick" and quits the Locust Grove job. 

The Family Dinner:  Next, Gideon goes to work for Martin, ostensibly to learn church operations, but really looking for a new way to steal a million dollars. Jesse disapproves, hurt that they decided on this new job without consulting him.

 Later, the family gathers for a "welcome home" dinner for Gideon at Jesse and Amber's house.  

This is the only time that we will see the family here; later family dinners will be held at Jason's Steak House. Notice that Kelvin sits on the left side, between Pontius and Gideon, as if he is a kid.

Gideon is discussing his stunt work: because of his slim frame, he stunt-doubles for women a lot: it's called "wigging."  Jesse disapproves of him "pretending to be a woman." Amber defends him: it's just for the stunt, because "he's very manly," not feminine, not gay.  Notice Kelvin's reaction: he does not like this conversation at all.  He keeps his head down, worried that someone will apply it to him.

But the industry is moving toward having women stunting for women, so no more wigging.  Jesse mocks him: my son is sad "cause he can't pretend to be a woman for money anymore."  He's really pushing the hegemonic masculinity here: behavior that men are expected to engage in, and punished if they fail: being important/ in charge, aggressive, stoic, politically and socially powerful, muscular, and heterosexual.

BJ thinks that "representation of marginalized peoples is a big deal," so if a script calls for a woman to fall off a building, a woman should do the stunting.  Amber disagrees, promoting stereotypic gender polarization: "only men should jump off buildings."

Finally Kelvin has had enough, and changes the subject: "Wasn't Baby Billy supposed to be here tonight?"

The party devolves into a fight between Jesse and his son Pontius. He blames Pontius's bad behavior on Gideon leaving: "Actions have consequences."

Kelvin's Basketball:  After things calm down, Judy and Kelvin find Jesse in the back yard, crying, the super-masculine guy exhibiting "feminine" emotion.  He asks if they have come to make fun of him.  Judy: "Well, Kelvin has."  

Notice that Kelvin is carrying a basketball. Where did he get it?  Did he bring it with him, as a "welcome home" gift for his adult nephew?  Did he pick it up from an off-camera basketball court?

This is the only time in the series that Kelvin exhibits an interest in any team sport, or any athletic activity other than acrobatics and bodybuilding.  I wonder if he is trying to project a stereotypic masculine image in response to the talk about "acting like a woman."  

Dicks after the break

Gavin's Cute/Cool Photos Part 1: Gavin with his dog, his boat, Skyler Gisondo, Robert Oberst, and his Dad

 

This is a collection cute/cool photos of Gavin Munn, who plays Jonathan on Raising Dion and Abraham on The Righteous Gemstones, his dad Johnny, and a few friends.

1. A boy and his dog.

2. With TV brother Skyler Gisondo

3. Jungle-print cabana,  That's Gavin's hunky Dad, Johnny Munn. 

4. A boy and his boat

5. A dad and his fish

6.With his older brother.

More Gavin after the break

"The Feast of the Seven Fishes": All of the tropes I hate, but I still liked it. With Skyler Gisondo and bonus Italian dicks

 

The Feast of the Seven Fishes just dropped on Netflix.  All I know is that it's a Christmas movie starring Skyler Gisondo, so the likelihood of gay characters or even subtexts is minimal.  I'm going to watch anyway.

Scene 1: Beautiful establishing shots of a mining town in West Virginia, winter 1983.  I loved that year!  Madonna, Michael Jackson, "I'm Coming Out," Tom Cruise, Family Ties, Mama's Family.  Tony (Skyler Gisondo) is painting by the river and gazing at his acceptance letter from a prestigious art school.  Angelo (Andrew Schultz, below) and his penis, "Mr. Boner," stop by to tell him about a party with girls desperate to have sex with any guy who asks.  "Nope."

Well, how about coming along on his date?  There will be extremely horny girls there, too. "Nope."  If I didn't know from the plot synopsis that he has two girlfriends, I'd have pegged Tony as gay.

Scene 2: Back in his shabby working-class home, Pap tries to get Tony drunk on homemade hooch. We cut to a super-elegant mansion, where a super-elegant rich girl named Beth yells at her even-richer  boyfriend Prentice (Allen Williamson, left) for backing out of his promise to spend Christmas with the family.  He's going skiing with his friends instead. Prentice, baby, the first rule of relationships -- never leave them alone at Christmas. They'll be screwing someone else by Boxing Day. 

Mom is upset: "You'll never land a rich husband with that attitude!  Like all men, he prefers the company of other men."  So all men are gay?  Beth wants a husband who will spend time with her.  That's what gay bffs are for, girlfriend.

Scene 3: Beth hanging out with her Italian-American friend, complaining about this whole "get a rich husband" thing.  They smoke pot.  

Meanwhile, Tony's Uncles Carmine and Frankie (Ray Arbruzzo, left) are stocking up on booze, when they see Tony's ex, Katie, throwing herself at a truck driver.  They discuss her boobs for several minutes before getting around to complaining about her post-breakup downward spiral.

Cut to Juke (Josh Helman, left and below), the family intellectual, telling his buds about the Feast of the Seven Fishes, although they obviously already know.  He stops to complain about not having a girlfriend, which is especially tough at Christmas. Foreshadowing -- ten to one he gets with Katie, the one with the big boobs.

Scene 4: Rich-girl Beth and her friend,  incredibly high, stare at the menu at a hot dog restaurant, trying to decide what to order.  How about hot dogs?  They discuss going to a party tonight, but all of the parties are full of girls desperate to have sex with any boy who asks, so they'll get groped and prodded all the time. "Well, maybe I'll do a little groping," the friend jokes.  Ok, this is a lesbian.

Nope.  "I've been dating this guy and his penis." Wait -- her boyfriends are "Come along on my date tonight" Angelo and Mr. Boner.  And they have this cousin: "Cute, nice, smart..."  A gay guy would immediately ask "How big is his cock?"  

Maybe Rich-girl Beth could dump her Christmas-hating boyfriend for Tony? Or at least seduce him and then dump him on New Year's Day? 

Scene 5: At his parents' grocery store, Tony yells at Vince (Cameron Rostami) for being late. They argue and fight until Dad breaks them up and yells at Tony for being too hard on the kid. So, baby brother?  They discuss his future running the family business.  Uh-oh, Tony hasn't told the folks about art school!   

 Cut to Vince walking home.  His Uncles, who were buying booze and discussing Katie's boobs  earlier, give him a ride. See how intricately everybody is interconnected?

They arrive at Tony's house in time for dinner.  Dad yells at them for not bringing any "v.o."  "Well, you didn't ask for any."  "It's Christmas -- we always get v.o."  The family so far consists of Dad, Mom, Grandma, two uncles,  Juke, Vince. Tony, Cousin Angelo, and his penis.

Meanwhile,  Tony, Cousin Angelo, his penis, and the friend (Sarah) are on their way to pick up Rich-girl Beth.  They discuss the horrors of Catholic school, with those sadistic nuns, and then wonder why Beth would be into an Italian.  "Is she getting extra credit in anthropology class."

How about that? I'm out of space.  But you know what's going to happen, right? Tony and Beth, Juke and Katie, the end.

Beefcake: None.  But no half-naked girls either, not even at the strip club where Katie works (we just see the back entrance).

Other Sights: Beautiful exteriors and a lot of food cooking, mostly the seven kinds of seafood traditionally eaten on Christmas Eve.

Gay Representation:  No, except for an occasional line that could be taken as suggestive.  No homophobia either, except for an occasional "fruit."

Plot: Mostly conversations and food preparation.  Minimal conflict: Grandma doesn't like Beth because she thinks all Protestant girls are prostitutes, Beth's mom and boyfriend try to get her back, Tony breaks the news of art school.  Very predictable, to the point of being clunky. 

My Grade: This movie had most of the tropes I hate: "small towns are superior to big cities"; "family is everything"; "girls are the meaning of life"; "gay people do not exist."  But for some reason I still liked it, maybe because everyone is so genial.  B-

Bonus Italian dicks after the break

"Vacation": Skyler Gisondo as the victim in a cringy homophobic scene, with adult penises to make up for subjecting you to it

 

I didn't see the original National Lampoon's Vacation (1983), due to the vocal homophobia of star Chevy Chase.   I'm definitely not going to watch the sequel, Vacation (2015), in which  Rusty, the kid in the original (Ed Helms), tries to take his family on the same woebegotten journey.  Richard Roeper called it "a vile, odious disaster populated with unlikable, dopey characters bumbling through mean-spirited set pieces that rely heavily on slapstick fight scenes, scatological sight gags and serial vomiting."  Plus the plot synopsis looks horribly heterosexist, with eldest son James (Skyler Gisondo) in search of the Girl of His Dreams.  But I am going to check for beefcake, and then review a horribly homophobic scene that I found by accident on youtube

Beefcake: James shows his chest (top photo). Stone Crandall (Chris Hemsworth), married to Rusty's sister, walks around in his underwear, displaying a bulge.  Plus he "accidentally" displays his penis in a vacation photo.

On to the cringy homophobic scene: 

 The family is staying at a sleazy motel.  James plays his guitar at the sleazy hot tub.  A girl drops by to flirt with him.  

Medina: I have a penis.

James (shocked, transphobic): What?  Um...

Medina: It's written  on your guitar.  

He explains that his brother wrote it there as a prank, and goes on to make his move, Just then, Dad shows up (but Medina thinks that it's just a random perv)

Dad/Perv: I'm just a stranger passing through town, but I couldn't help noticing how incredibly handsome this young man is. You got a girlfriend?  Or boyfriend, heterosexist idiot  -- but then, Dad probably knows that his son is straight.

James: (Painfully embarrassed.) No.

Dad/Perv: No girlfriend?  Cute boy like that, somebody's gonna snatch you up.

Medina (to James): Do you want me to call the cops?  

James: No.  Dad/Perv hasn't done anything illegal yet.  But...why doesn't James tell the girl that it's his Dad, being embarrassing?

Dad/Perv: And he plays guitar. Dream boy!  Make a muscle!

Skyler: I'd rather not.

Dad/Perv: Take your shirt off, make a muscle.  Don't be shy -- show us what we're working with.  

As Dad/Perv approaches the hot tub, Medina asks James if he'll be ok, and scrams.  

Dad: Dang it!

James: Dad, why would you do that?

Dad: I saw you talking to her, and figured you could use a wing man. Oy!

In most U.S. states, it is a crime to propose sexual activity to someone under the age of consent or expose them to erotic material.  Commenting on their erotic desirability is technically legal, unless you are their parent, teacher, or in a position of authority.  Skyler Gisondo here is 18 or 19, but his character is 14.  Dad is pushing the boundaries of legality, and has gone far beyond what is appropriate. 

Left: 17-year old bodybuilder. Attractive, but not hot until next year.

 

This exchange keys into the myth that gay men are all hanging around schoolyards, trying to pick up teenagers (ephebophilia)  -- or 12 year olds (pedophilia)  

Another review says: "All homophobic, xenophobic, scatological grossout, with some rape and pedophilia “jokes” for flavor."  You mean it gets worse?

Grown-up penises after the break:

"Double Vision": Based on the Foreigner song, with nude pics of Gideon and Keefe

Gideon has had a crush on Keefe for two years.  During the Kelvin/Keefe breakup, he sees his chance to move out of the friend zone. He hopes.

Feelin' down and dirty,

Feelin' kinda mean

I've been from one to the other extreme

Fill my eyes with that double vision

No disguise for that double vision

When  it gets through to me, it's always new to me

My double vision gets the best of me

Today I had a good time,

But I ain't got time to wait

I want to stick around till I can't see straight

More after the break