RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: "The Feast of the Seven Fishes": All of the tropes I hate, but I still liked it. With Skyler Gisondo and bonus Italian dicks

The Feast of the Seven Fishes just dropped on Netflix. All I know is that it's a Christmas movie starring Skyler Gisondo, so the likelihood of gay characters or even subtexts is minimal. I'm going to watch anyway.

Scene 1: Beautiful establishing shots of a mining town in West Virginia, winter 1983. I loved that year! Madonna, Michael Jackson, "I'm Coming Out," Tom Cruise, Family Ties, Mama's Family. Tony (Skyler Gisondo) is painting by the river and gazing at his acceptance letter from a prestigious art school. Angelo (Andrew Schultz, below) and his penis, "Mr. Boner," stop by to tell him about a party with girls desperate to have sex with any guy who asks.

"Nope, I'm not going." Not interested in girls, buddy?

Well, how about coming along on his date? There will be extremely horny girls there, too. "Nope." If I didn't know from the plot synopsis that he has two girlfriends, I'd have pegged Tony as gay.

"Please. My penis hates being alone with girls."

"Ok, I'm in. Just to please your penis." He doesn't really say that.

Scene 2: Back in his shabby working-class home, someone named Pap tries to get Tony drunk on homemade hooch. There's no one named "Pap" in the cast list, but he could be Tony's dad, played by Paul Ben-Victor.

We cut to a super-elegant mansion, where a super-elegant rich girl named Beth yells at her even-richer boyfriend Prentice (Allen Williamson, left) for backing out of his promise to spend Christmas with the family. He's going skiing with his friends instead. Prentice, baby, the first rule of relationships -- never leave them alone at Christmas. They'll be screwing someone else by Boxing Day.

Mom is upset: "You'll never land a rich husband with that attitude! Like all men, he prefers the company of other men." So all men are gay?

Beth wants a husband who will spend time with her. That's what gay bffs are for, girlfriend.

Scene 3: Beth hanging out with her Italian-American friend, complaining about this whole "get a rich husband" thing. They smoke pot.

Meanwhile, Tony's Uncles Carmine and Frankie, brothers, not a gay couple(Ray Arbruzzo, left, Joe Pantoleone) are stocking up on booze, when they see Tony's Ex throwing herself at a truck driver. They discuss her boobs for several minutes before getting around to complaining about her post-breakup downward spiral.

Cut to Tony's cousin Juke (Josh Helman, left and below), the family intellectual, telling his buds about the Feast of the Seven Fishes, although they obviously already know: it's a traditional Christmas Eve dinner consisting of seven types of seafood. I thought it was a religious thing, Jesus with the loaves and fishes.

He stops to complain about not having a girlfriend, which is especially tough at Christmas. Foreshadowing -- ten to one he gets with Tony's Ex-Girlfriend, the one who throws herself at truck drivers.

Scene 4: Rich-girl Beth and her friend, incredibly high, stare at the menu at a hot dog restaurant, trying to decide what to order. How about hot dogs? They discuss going to a party tonight, but all of the parties are full of girls desperate to have sex with any boy who asks, so they'll get groped and prodded all the time. "Well, maybe I'll do a little groping," the friend jokes. So she's a lesbian?

Nope. "I've been dating this guy and his penis." Wait -- her boyfriend is "Come along on my date tonight" Angelo and his penis Mr. Boner. And Angelo has this cousin: "Cute, nice, smart..." A gay guy would immediately ask "How big is his cock?"

"Maybe you could come along on my date tonight, and dump your Christmas-hating boyfriend for Tony? Or at least seduce him and then dump him on New Year's Day?"

"Sure, I'll give it a shot."

Left: Juke butt.

More after the break

Scene 5: At his parents' grocery store, Tony yells at Baby Brother Vince (Cameron Rostami, now lead singer for Superblood) for being late. They argue and fight until Dad breaks them up and yells at Tony for being too hard on the kid. They discuss his future running the family business. Uh-oh, Tony hasn't told the folks about art school!

Cut to Baby Brother Vince walking home. His Uncles, who were buying booze and discussing the Ex-Girlfriend's boobs earlier, give him a ride. See how intricately everybody is interconnected?

Scene 6: They arrive at Tony's house in time for dinner. Dad yells at them for not bringing any "v.o." "Well, you didn't ask for any." "It's Christmas -- we always get v.o." No one explains what v.o. is.

In case you're keeping track, the family so far consists of Dad, Mom, Grandma, two uncles, Cousin Juke, Baby Brother Vince. Tony, and Cousin Angelo (and his penis)

Scene 7: The tag-along date begins, and Tony and Beth gape at each other, falling in Love at First Sight. Problem: The Ex-Girlfriend continues to debase herself by working at a strip club. Tony feels responsible: the poor girl is lost without him. So he rushes to the strip club and drags her out. The Club Owner doesn't like this very much, and has Sweeney (David Callahan) beat him up.

I'm out of space, so I'll summarize the rest of the story:

Ex-Girlfriend tries to seduce everyone close to Tony as a substitute. First Cousin Juke (who has no girlfriend), and then Baby Brother Vince. Finally Juke convinces her to move on.

Tony and Rich-girl Beth:

They start dating, to the shrill objections of the family.

Tony's Conservative Catholic Nonna: "You're dating a Protestant? Why don't you just take this knife and stab me in the heart?"

Beth's Rich Snob Mom: "You're dating an Italian? I'll never be able to show my face at the Country Club again!"

And don't forget art school:

Tony's Dad: "You're going to turn your back on your family and everything we've worked for all our lives to be a bum? Santa Maria, kill me now!"

Beth's Soon-to-be-Ex Boyfriend: "But you're Italian! No Italian has ever been an artist!"

But they all come around by Christmas: Art school is fine, and Tony and Beth get their fade-out kiss.

Beefcake: None. But no n*de girls either, not even at the strip club where Katie works (we just see the back entrance).

Left: Bonus nude Italian dude.

Other Sights: Beautiful exteriors of Fairmont, West Virginia, and a lot of food cooking, mostly the seven kinds of seafood traditionally eaten on Christmas Eve.

Heterosexism: Of course.

Homophobia: An occasional homophobic slur, but that actually added to the nostalgia. During the 1980s, "fags" and "fruits" were ubiquitous in movies.

Gay Subtexts: Tony and Angelo both seem to have a romantic but not a sexual interest in girls.

My Grade: This movie has most of the tropes I hate: "small towns are superior to cities," "family is everything," "girls are the meaning of life," and "gay people do not exist." But I still liked it. B