That 90s Show, Episode 3.6: Ozzie dates, Theo gets groped, and the Human Erection gets dumped. WIth Theo and Noah nudes

Note: I reread this review, and couldn't understand a word, with four interconnected plot threads.  So I separated them.

That 90s Show is a nostalic spin-off of That 70s Show, set 20 years later, with the children of the original cast hanging out in that basement: Jay, the pretty one (Mace Coronel, left); Nate, the stupid one (Maxwell Acee Donovan); Ozzie, the gay one (Reyn Doi); and three or four girls, it's hard to keep track.

While the other teens merge in and out of complicated love triangles and quadrangles, Ozzie is always being stymied in his quest for the elusive penis.  He has a long-distance boyfriend in Canada, who dumps him before we can meet him, and then a lost connection with Isaac (Raphael Alejandro) in Season 3.  I'm reviewing the episode where they go on their first date, "Life is a Highway."

Kitty and Red's Problem: How to keep Otis from having sex with his ex-wife, and convince him to pay attention to his daughter: 

Scene 1: Grandma Kitty, Grandpa Red, and Gwen's mom  are in the kitchen, doing stuff with meat, when Gwen's Dad Otis (Cedric Yarbrough) arrives with a big announcement: he was hit by a mail truck, and settled for $20,000, so he cand take a break from his truck driving job and spend some time with "his girls."

Gwen's Mom reveals a problem: whenever Gwen's Dad bangs into town, he's so charming that Mom jumps into bed with him, and then they start arguing, and Gwen is in the middle of it. Easy, Grandma Kitty says: "I'll just keep you from having sex with him."

Scene 2: Dad Otis is cooking in preparation for the big barbecue when his daughter Gwen and focus character Leia enter, wanting truck-driving lessons.

Scene 3: At the barbecue, Gwen's Dad Otis was allowed to cook, and now the wieners are all shriveled.  Penis joke, har har.

 Also, Grandma Kitty was trying to prevent Gwen's parents from having sex, but they had sex anyway.  "It wasn't your fault.  Trying to stop us made it hotter."

Dad Otis also blew off the big, important truck-driving lesson, letting his daughter down, so Leia and Gwen drive off by themselves, with no lessons. 

Scene 4: The girls only got a few blocks.  Still, Otis is furious  Instead of yelling, Grandma Kitty suggests talking, seeing what's bothering her.

Scene 5: Gwen explained that she stole the truck because her Dad keeps breaking his promises and is never there for her.  They have a heart-to-heart. Awww.

Scene 6: Dad Otis finally giving Gwen her truck-driving lesson. Awww. The end.

Nate the Human Erection's Problem: How to break up with your girlfriend when you have an enormous penis.

Scene 1: At the barbecue, Nate the Human Erection complains that wants to break up with his overbearing girlfriend, Betsy, because he's still in love with his Ex. He tried to break up, and she said "No."  Hey, wasn't this plot on Seinfeld around 1996?  

Gwen's Dad Otis commiserates:  "I been there -- you lay the pipe too clean, the wild ones never let you go." Ulp, he's talking about Jay the Pretty One's sister!  

Ok, how to break up with her: "Tell her that you cheated with that little hottie." Ulp, he's talking about Jay's girlfriend! 

"Ok, just make up a girl. Say you cheated with Amy."

Scene 2: Nate confesses that he cheated with a girl named Amy, but girlfriend Betsy is fine with it.  In fact, she wants a three-way.

Scene 3: Nate the Human Erection is calling random women named Amy to find someone willing to have the three way, so his girlfriend won't know that he lied about cheating. They all hang up.  Maybe text them a photo of your penis? 

Jay the Pretty One suggests getting super-clingy and scaring the girlfriend away.

Scene 4: Nate the Human Erection comes clean about still being in love with his ex, Nikki -- in Nikki's earshot.  The girlfriend dumps him, but Nikki doesn't want to get back together, so the Human Erection is out of luck.  Maybe Jay is available.

Nikki's Problem: How to convince your boyfriend to have sex with you: 

Scene 1: Nikki, yet another member of the basement gang, and Ozzie meet in the diner. 

Nikki's  problem: Her boyfriend, Theo (Anthony Turpel), just wants to kiss, and she's ready to go downtown, but he's shy, and she's never had to make the first move before.  Her last boyfriend was Nate the Human Erection-- she'd just look down, and his cock would be in her hand. Whoa, these are teenagers. Let's keep it G-rated!

How can Nikki subtly inform her new boyfriend that she wants sex?  Ozzie suggests going to a movie, making sure there's a box of popcorn on his lap, reaching for some, and missing.  Where'd you learn that trick, boy?  Isn't this your first date?

Anthony Turpel, age 24, probably has some beefcake or nudes online.  I'll check after the break.

Scene 2: Nikki takes her boyfriend to a movie, and tries the "reaching for the popcorn and missing" trick. He's fine with having her fondle his penis.

Ozzie's Problem: How to get your date into an R-rated movie

Scene 1: Ozzie can't go to a kid's movie on his first date, but for a R-rated, he needs adults to buy the tickets.  

He asks Sonny and Bunch, an aging hippie couple, or heterosexual life partners -- it's hard to tell. They don't display any heterosexual interest in this episode, but they're played by Jay and Silent Bob, aka Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.  

They get all excited because they don't have any kids of their own, and will welcome the opportunity to become parents. 

Scene 2:  Ozzie and Isaac are alone at the movie -- until the guys arrive to cover their eyes if something inappropriate comes on, like blood or boobs.  Guys, boobs won't be a problem.  Now, let's talk penises..

Scene 3: Ozzie and Isaac sneak into the G-rated movie, Homeward Bound 2, which they actually preferred but were afraid to admit.

Uh-oh, Sony and Bunch are helicopter parents, and come searching for Ozzie and Isaac.  They yell: "We are looking for two young boys."  Pedophile jokes are surprisingly common in this show.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Sergei Silney: Teen bodybuilder with a judo master dad, a cat, and some desserts, but no girls. With 5 nude Russian guys

 

Instagram recommended this guy, apparently a teen bodybuilder from Russia named Sergei.  Since he's a civilian, not an actor, I'll make up a last name: Silney, "Strong."

Not a lot of biographical details are available unless you can read Russian (I took a year, back in college, but it doesn't help much).  All I can tell from his posts: he's been to Paris, New York, and Vienna, and he watches both European and American football.  He likes cats.  How did he get it into that position? I can't even persuade my cat to sit on my lap.

And very nice desserts.  His mug says "I'll stop drinking now and get busy."

Sergei started his Instagram in November 2024.  Writing in English, he says that he is going to post on muscles and sports.  He believes in all nationalities and religions coming together, so he will block you for making political statements or trying to convert him to your religion.  Also no "hints about orientation": it would be "unnatural' for him to live with a wife or girlfriend. 

I imagine that the word "orientation" is not taught often in English classes in Russia, so Sergei has done a little research.  Plus he uses the word "unnatural" to explain why there are no pictures of girls on his Instagram.  And the comments on his posts are mostly from other boys telling him how cute or  beautiful he is.  But I'm not hinting at anything.

He's too young for nude photos, so I'm posting some photos of Russian actors: Pyotr Skvortsov.

Dmitri Osten.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Bryce Gheisar: "Wonder" bully, Nickelodeon astronaut, cursed boy's boyfriend, gay Iranian-American Baha'i bodybuilder

Discouraged over the low pageview count of my profile of Nolan Gould -- it was friggin' Nolan Gould!  With a friggin' hard-on!  -- I wanted a sure-fire thousand-page view draw.  Former teen stars always draw the most interest, so I checked on the teen idol site, and found Bryce Gheisar, with over 1,000 photos! 

No idea who he is.  From the name and general appearance, I'm guessing Turkish.  Probably a singer, since singers tend to draw more fan attention than actors.

I usually profile only actors, but he's got a cute face, a very muscular physique....

And he is obviously gay, with lots of photos of hugging, cuddling, and sleeping with guys.

A basic internet search reveals that Bryce was born in 2004 in Plano, Texas (a suburb of Dallas), not Turkey.  His father owned a fitness gym and is now a realtor, his mother runs a chimpanzee refuge, and his older brother is a gymnast.  

They are Iranian-American, and adherents of Bah'ai, a religion founded in Iran in 1844 by the Prophet Bahá’u’lláh.  It teaches the essential unity of all religions and all people. 

Bryce is an actor, best known as Ethan in A Dog's Purpose and Julian in Wonder.

And I haven't even checked the IMDB or his social media yet. Dude is famous.

He bursts onto the screen in 2017, singing the theme song to the new Duck Tales and starring in three movies.

In A Dog's Purpose (2017), a dog is reincarnated several times over five decades, always ending up with Ethan (Bryce as a kid, KJ Apa as a teen, Dennis Quaid as an adult).

Left: Former Archie Andrews KJ Apa in the shower.

In Wonder (2017),  Auggie (Jacob Tremblay), who has a facial anomaly, attends public school, gets a gay-subtext boyfriend  (Noah Jupe), and draws the wrath of bully Julian (Bryce), who eventually has a change of heart and apologizes.  Owen Wilson (left) plays Auggie's Dad.

Bryce reprised the role of Julian in White Bird: A Wonder Story (2024): his grandmother tells him a story about hiding from the Nazis during World War II, and falling in love (with a boy, of course), thus convincing him to try to be a better person. "Heterosexual romance exists, so stop your bullying!"  Auggie does not appear.

Later Bryce starred in The Astronauts, on Nickleodeon (2021-22): Five kids sneak into a spaceship, and it blasts off!  Grround Control can communicate with them, but otherwise they are on their own, with an AI that can't be trusted. Athletic Elliot (Bryce, right) and science nerd Will (Ben Daon, center) compete to become group leader.  No heterosexual romances are mentioned in the episode synopses, so there are probably some gay subtexts.

In Season 2 of the new Are You Afraid of the Dark (2022), Bryce plays Luke McCoy, a high school wrestler and skateboarder.  His best friend Connor (Parker Queenan) is captured by the Shadowman, and Luke enlists the Midnight Society to help rescue him. According to the fan wiki, "it is heavily implied" that the two have romantic feelings for each other.  Don't beat around the bush: they're canon.

More after the break

Matlock 2024: Kathy Bates barges in like Columbo...I mean Andy Griffith. With Tony Danza, some Greek dicks, and a Cheers reference

  

Matlock (1986-1995) starred Andy Griffith as an elderly attorney who represents clients charged with murder (all innocent, of course). I didn't watch: it aired opposite Who's the Boss (Tony Danza, sigh), and besides, who wanted to watch a oldster attorney clunking around? 

I did see part of one episode, because it promised LGBT representation: Matlock goes into a gay bar for some reason, and a young guy instantly pops up and asks him to dance.  An old guy in a gay bar is hit on?  Is this science fiction?

"Me, dance with you?" Matlock repeats, horrified.  Then "No-ooooo-oooo!!!!", shaking his head so vigorously that I'm surprised it didn't fall off.  Geez, it wouldn't hurt you to be a little gracious, homophobe!  How about "No, thanks, I'm working."

There was also an episode with a murderous drag queen, rather old fashioned in the 1990s.  

30 years later, Matlock has been revived in the form of a retired lawyer (Kathy Bates) with the nickname Matlock or Mattie, because the show was big when she was first starting out. I'm not particularly interested -- again, who wants to watch an oldster attorney clunking around -- but I understand that this version has a bona fide gay character, so I'll take a look.

Episode 1: In a coffee shop, a cute but jerky businessman (Marcus Rosner, right) talks about closing on his phone.  He overhears Mattie struggling with using the tap function, and hands the barista a $20 bill to pay, and keep the change.  Mattie is pleased; "Isn't this a nice way to start the day."   But I'm not pleased; I figured this guy would be a main character. 

She enters the building at 450 5th Avenue in New York, in Midtown, about five blocks from the Empire State Building, and talks to the lady on the elevator about hard candy: she resisted, but when she turned 65, she had no choice but to buy some.  "We become exactly what people expect us to be."

Into the office on the 21st floor, where she suspiciously looks at a floor plan and enters a conference room full of suit men talking about the Mets.  Boss Elijah (Eme Ikwuakor, top photo) asks Olympia about the police corruption case; she needs more resources to get it done, but he tells her to close it now.

Next Julian (Jason Ritter) brags that they can get his case up to $19 million.  Mattie interrupts that he can get a lot more.

"Who are you?"

Matlock. She's come to apply for an associates job, but she can't get an interview due to her age, so she barged into the meeting. 

"How do you know how much he is willing to pay?"

She's been tailing his attorney, and "accidentally" overheard their phone conversation in the coffee shop earlier.  Old people are invisible, and can get away with a lot of spying.

"Fine, you're hired.  You can assist Olympia on the case she's been working on for six months."

Left: Jason Ritter's butt

Scene 2: Olympia is upset, but she has no choice.  She introduces her other assistants.  The woman complains that they should be working with senior associates, not senior citizens, but Billy  (David Del Rio) befriends Mattie and gives her a tour of the snack station and back patio for crying (I've had jobs like that).  

Left: David Del Rio is sort of swishy, and he pretends to be gay in several of his Instagram posts, but he announces right off that he's just joking: he's actually married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and they have two beautiful daughters.  I hate it when straight guys jerk us around like that.

The case: Raymond Harris spent 26 years in prison for multiple rapes and a murder.  He's been exonerated by DNA tests, thinks that the police suppressed evidence, and wants the State of New York to pay damages.  Olympia has a tip: while Raymond was in custody, a prostitute escaped from the real killer, but the police report proving his innocence vanished.  They have to track her down, but they have no name or description, and it was 26 years ago.   

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.