"Where you go, I will go": A Kelvin/Keefe romance

 

Kelvin stood in the South Corridor, facing Keefe, holding both his hands. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said. "If it's too much, nobody will care. It can just be Judy and BJ."

"No, Brother," Keefe told him. "I want to." Still calling me Brother! Kelvin noted with a smile.

He heard Judy and BJ giggling on the other side of the hall. Everything was so easy for straight people! You go on a date, you kiss, you go upstairs and have sex. Easy.  You walk hand in hand without worrying about being attacked. You announce your engagement, and no one yells that you're destroying society. When you are gay, and Christian, and a Gemstone, everything is hard. It took a life-or-death crisis to say "I love you." The first time they held hands was an emotional triumph. And this might not necessarily be a joyous occasion. 

"I want to do this, too," Kelvin said, so loud that the security guard at the south entrance stared. "I don't think I've wanted anything more."

"Showtime!" Jesse exclaimed, pointing toward the sanctuary. One last kiss, and Kelvin took his place just behind Jesse, on his right side. Judy walked on his left side. The partners followed a few steps behind. Ushers would guide them to their marks, stage left and stage right.

They walked onto the main stage, smiling, waving, as if they were about to perform a song. The congregation rose and applauded. If they looked at their program, they would see "Commitment Ceremony," but nothing else. Would they think he was marrying his sister?

He looked around. Quadruple security. Photographers at the ready. Dang it, did Jesse call the press? No picketers in the back, no one snarling, ready to pull out a gun. He glanced at stage right, hoping to see Keefe, if only for an instant, but the lights were too bright.

Jesse raised his hands to quiet the audience, and Kelvin and Judy took their places at center left and right, facing away from him. "Partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives," he began.  "Spouses, soul mates, better halves.  Whatever you want to call them. They are the first person we see in the morning, the last person we see at night. They will be the last person we see before we go to meet Jesus."

Gulp! Hopefully he wouldn't be meeting Jesus today!

More after the jump break

School of Rock Episode 1.7: Keefe in drag, a gay stereotype kid, a homophobic kid, and Demi Lovato, sort of.

 

Some 13 years after School of Rock (2003), a teencom version premiered on Nickelodeon: School of Rock (2016-2018), with Tony Cavalero playing Dewey, a failed musician turned middle school teacher with a special interest in winning the "Battle of the Bands."

 In 2016 Nickelodeon was still promoting the "all kids are heterosexual" myth, so I doubt that there is any LGBTQ representation. But I'll review Episode 1.7, where Dewey dresses in drag as a scary Goth lady. .

Scene 1: Four kids and Dewey performing, while the others in the classroom watch -- from behind them?   Dewey explains that rock is about showmanship more than music: strut your stuff!  Freddie (Ricardo Hurtado, top photo) does a guitar zing.  Lawrence (Aidan Miner, below) demonstrates that he can play the keyboard with his butt, so Dewey calls him "Lawrence von Butthoven."  Emphasizing one's butt is a queer code.  Summer (Jade Pettyjohn, who will befriend Kelvin and Keefe in RG Season 1) has her face painted onto her tambourine. Lead singer Tomika is hiding.  

Dewey demonstrates the signature moves of Mick Jagger and  Miley Cyrus (a rock musician?).  Zack (Lance Lim, not the naked guy) asks him not to twerk. It would be too erotic for middle school, anyway, but interesting that the boy emphasizes that he definitely doesn't want to see a man being erotic.  He's apparently got a problem with gay men.

Scene 2: Dewey wants to know why Tomika was hiding during practice: she's embarrassed by the funny faces she makes while performing. He points out that her favorite singer, Demi Lovato, is shy in real life, but when she goes on stage, she becomes a confident rocker (these guys have a different definition of "rock").

To boost her confidence, Dewey claims that he knows Lovato and will call and tell her all about Tomika.  Whoops, he's doesn't even know who Demi Lovato is!  He's in trouble now!

Scene 3: Zack and Freddie ooze with horniness over Tomika's new style.  Lawrence thinks they're talking about him (gay joke, har har): "Thanks.  I went with my Superman underwear today."

"We can't actually see your underwear."  Would things be different if you could see it, guys?

Scene 4:  Dewey teaches science, too.  The textbook says that he was wrong: lightning is not caused by two angels having a fistfight.  I'm sure he was joking. After five seconds of science, they scoot the desks aside and start practicing. The newly confident Tomika wants them to play Demi Lovato's "Heart Attack."  

Lawrence asks if it's cool for dudes to like Lovato (that is, does liking Lovato mean that you're gay?).  They assure him that it's fine (e.g., heterosexual).

Tomika tells the band that Dewey and Lovato are besties, and hang out together all the time.  "Sure, when she's in town," Dewey says, hoping that she's far away.  Of course, she happens to be in town, playing the Texas Memorial.  This show is set in Texas?  Ugh, I spent the worst year of my life in Hell-for-Certain, Texas.  That's enough to get a F grade.

The band pleads with Dewey to get Lovato to listen to them play.  Like, sure, even if they were friends, the big star wouldn't want to spend her time off reviewing a middle school band.  She'd want to see the sights, if there are any in...ugh, Texas.

Scene 5: Dewey at Lovato's hotel, trying to bribe the desk clerk with "a prescription for fungal medicine."  Lawrence happens to be staying there; he's on his way to a couple's massage -- with his Mom.  "Gay men are all in love with their mother." Rather a homophobic queer code, but I'll take it.

Scene 6:  Tomika has turned aggressive and demanding: they've practiced the song 15 times, but it's still not good enough.  Plus their outfits and props look like they belong in a middle school.  Well, to be fair, Lawrence doesn't actually play his keyboard.  He just mashes his hands down on several keys at once.   

They try it with disco ball motorcycle helmets, Tomika emerging from a barrel of ink, and a wind machine that destroys everything.  Instantaneous props!  I'm in a 1950s sitcom.  Tomika screams that they're not worthy of her great song.

More after the jump break

Keefe's Capacious Cock: Where does Tony end and the prosthetic begin?

 

Adam Devine has starred in lots of movies and tv shows about hapless dudebros who have their cock or butt put on display as a form of humiliation, but Tony Cavalero didn't have many starring roles before Keefe, so no humiliation nudity.  All I found from his pre-Gemstone work was Ozzy Osbourne sticking a dollar bill up his butt in The Dirt, and this photo from Tony's instagram, nude with a cat sculpture covering his privates.

The Righteous Gemstones has given us a bit more.  In Season 2, Keefe appears in a jockstrap several times, notably as he is preparing to try the cross-raising challenge.

Keefe does some splits on the ground to warm up the crowd, and coincidentally to present himself as an erotic object.  Oddly, he appears to be a bottom.  In Season 3, he is totally a top.

Other than the single testicle and the mushroom head, the only cock shot comes in Episode 1.9, when Keefe is immersed in an isolation tank at Club Sinister, and "regressing to a transitive state."  

Why is his cock exposed? Why is he aroused?   Some viewers speculated that it is for the pleasure of the partygoers, but they'd have to splash through a milky liquid to get to it.  Maybe just for its aesthetic appeal.

Cavalero said in an interview that the cock was "mostly" him.  You can't stay aroused during an entire lengthy take without a fluffer, so they would need a prosthetic for the arousal.  

But where does the prosthetic end and Tony begin?

I guess you'll have to ask someone who has seen him aroused in real life, like his wife Annie, or Adam Devine (long story).  Or see if he has any openings for a fluffer.

See also: Keefe's Capacious Cock, Part 2: The Mushroom Head

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos,Part 1: Boner pills, Death Water, dildos, and "Why the hell not?"

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jock strap, an isolation tank, and honeymoon with the hubbie

The Dirt on Motley Crue (with cocks but no lady parts)

 

I have never heard any of the songs of the 1980s band Motley Crue, but I've heard their names and a lot of gossip.  Did Tommy Lee post a home-made porno that showed his enormous cock?  Did he date Barbara from One Day at a Time?  Did Ozzy Osbourne bite the heads off bats?  Did Lisa Simpson play Nikki Six on a parody episode of The Simpsons?.  Were any of them gay?

Other than Google, there's one way to find out: watch the biopic The Dirt on Netflix.

Scene 1: The narrator tells us that the 1980s was the worst fucking decade in human history.  

Wait -- I loved the 80s,  at least the last half.  I was a young adult,  living in West Hollywood, the heart of the gay world. Sunday brunch at the French Quarter.  Sunday afternoon beer busts at the Faultline.  Cruising at Mugi.  The Different Light Bookstore. The Greenery. 

Just indulge me.  I'll get to back to the review in a moment.

Madonna.  Prince.  Michael Jackson. Laura Branigan  Dynasty.  Moonlighting. Who's the Boss.

Lunch with Michael J. Fox.  Coffee with Richard Dreyfuss. An Oscar party with Keanu Reeves. John Amos naked at the gym. AIDS Walks.  Christopher Street West.

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven!

Oh well, back to what the narrator hated about the 80s: preppies, keyboards, stupid haircuts, jazzercise, "Just say no."  Well, the Reagans were pretty vile. 

 "So we four misfits made the fucking decade ours by going to Whiskey A-Go-Go."  Five blocks north of my apartment in West Hollywood, but I never went because it was reputedly way homophobic.  Also it was up a very steep hill.

"And then bringing the party back to our place,"  Endless male-female couples smooching.   

He introduces the misfits:

1. Tommy Lee (Colson Baker, top photo), who demonstrates how to do oral sex on a lady (yes, we see her privates).

2. The narrator, Nikki Six (Douglas Booth), who has set his arm on fire (wait -- I thought Nikki Six was a girl).  

3, In the bathroom, Vince Neil (Daniel Weber, left) is fucking a girl (we see her breasts)

4. Mick Mars (Iwan Rheon) is sleeping. 

That's all four.  Where's Ozzy Osbourne? He must join the band later.  

Back in the main party, a woman who has been getting cunnilingis pees explosively,  Or does something else.  I don't know what comes out of lady parts, and I don't want to know.  I've seen more of them in the last five minutes than in the last 20 years, and it is not pleasant.  I'm out.

I resort to Google after the break