Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy

 

This story takes place shortly after Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.4, the Kelvin/Keefe breakup.

Kelvin sat in his bathrobe, with Jesse on one side and Judy on the other.  Usually his siblings insulted and criticized him, but not today.  At least, not very much.

"You can't sit here feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life," Jesse told him.  "You have obligations to the church.  We need you."

"I can't go back to leading the youth ministry," Kelvin said softly.  "It will remind me of Keefe."

"It isn't just being reminded, Dummy," Judy said.  "Once you get admitted to this family, you don't get un-admitted.  Keefe will still be around.  You'll see him at church, at Sunday dinner, everywhere, so get used to it."

Kelvin hadn't thought of that.  "How could I ever see him without crying?"  

 "Just man up and deal with it," Jesse told him.  "You're not the first guy to get dumped by his boyfriend."

"He wasn't my boyfriend,"  Kelvin protested.  "He was my...he was my life.  He was my world."  

Judy scoffed.  "Well, maybe what you need is a good old-fashioned boyfriend.  Not the beginnig and end of your world, just someone to go out and have fun with.  You know, dating.  If  it turns into true love, fine; if not, at least you got your dick sucked."

"Judy!"  

"I'm not an expert on what gay guys like," Jesse said, "But if you want an outside opinion, I think you've got it all.  You're handsome, you're muscular, you have a gay wardrobe, and  you're famous.  I'll bet half the gay boys in the country used to jerk off to your Kelvin's Chastity Club posters."

"I always wondered about that," Judy said.  "You and Zac Efron in swimsuits, holding hands.  How does that promote chastity?"

"There were no girls in the poster.  Just two guys having fun...um...together."  Kelvin caught himself. Were those posters homoerotic?  How would he know?  At age 15, he didn't even know what "gay" meant.  "Anyway, I didn't design it.  Blame the church's pr department."

"Send in $5, and get an autographed picture of Kelvin with a bulge in his jeans,"  Judy continued.  "$10 if you want him to whip it out."

"I did not have a bulge," Kelvin protested.  "Well, just my natural body contours. I can't help my size."  He found himself smiling for the first time in days.  It felt good to be the subject of his siblings' teasing.  Maybe his life wasn't over.  Maybe he had a future after all. 

Maybe he should go out on a date.

But who to ask?  He couldn't just walk into a gay bar -- the tabloids would love it!  Someone from the church?  Was there a dating app for gay Christians?  Wait -- Percy, the designer who worked on the executive board room.  He seemed nice, and he was kind of cute. Not obviously buffed, but he probably worked out -- all gay guys did.

He was soft-spoken, maybe a little femme, but was he actually gay?  The name Percy, an interior designer -- weren't those stereotypes?  Kelvin didn't remember seeing a wedding ring.  

One way to find out: he put on his most bulging, muscle-displaying outfit and drove out to the design studio in Charleston.  Percy was at his desk, talking to two clients.  Kelvin waved, and he waved back.

A good sign, right?

Kelvin sat on one of the design couches and played with his cell phone to calm his nerves. Gay dating apps -- what was Grindr about?

"Hey, Kelvin."  Percy sat down beside him, almost but not quite seeing his Gridr profile, and put a hand on his shoulder.  His hand on my shoulder, Kelvin thought.  That's a gay thing, right?   "How's your board room working out."

"Oh, it's great.  We love the frescos with Jesse as a Christian warrior and me holding a little child."  

"I was going for a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost motif."

Percy was looking directly into his eyes!  His heart was pounding.  "So..."

"So...." Percy repeated, an eyebrow raised.

"So I was wondering....um...if you are free Friday night, would you like to come over to the house for dinner?"

Percy looked surprised.  "You mean, with the family?" 

"No...um...just me.  Just me and you, I mean."

"Oh...oh.  Sure, I'd be happy to."  

"Great!"  

They stared at each other.  The little bell on the door rang: another client!  But Kelvin still couldn't speak.

Percy giggled and touched his hand. "Here's where you tell me what time to come, Kelvin."

"Oh...oh, right.  Come at 8:00."  8:00 seemed a little late for dinner, but when people went out on dates in movies, they always said "I'll pick you up at 8:00."

"Ok.  Gotta run.  Can't wait until Friday!"  He squeezed Kelvin's hand and rushed off to greet his clients.

Gulp.  Kelvin spend the next three days watching every romcom in BJ's collection, and taking notes. Darn, he and Percy never had a meet-cute.  But the first date was standardized.  It always involved three steps.

More after the break

Adam Devine's divine dick

The Righteous Gemstones is known for its cock shots, but none come from the main cast, so all we have seen of Kelvin (Adam DeVine) to date is his physique, bulge, and butt.  

That's enough for some people, some hum-drum everyday people, but most of us want the Full Monty.

At this writing, Kelvin failed to show us his woodpecker in Seasons 1-3, but Season 4 is coming up, so there's still a chance.  Until then, we can see Devine dick in two movies:

Jexi (2019) features Adam as a life coach whose cell phone becomes sentient and tries to control his life, including sending dick pics to everyone he knows.

He confirmed that it is him, not a stunt cock.

In an interview, he stated that when fans say "I liked your movie," they are talking about his acting.  When they say "I really, really, really liked your movie," they are talking about his cock.

More after the break

Stephen Schneider's Extensive Nude Scene

 

In The Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.6, BJ Barnes intends to beat up Stephen (Stephen Schneider), the sleazy guitarist who had an affair with his wife.  He goes to Stephen's house and finds him masturbating in the bedroom.  The result is a 5-minute long fight between BJ and the naked Stephen, his cock and balls not only visible but emphasized throughout.  The fight eventually moves outside, where BJ finishes it by grabbing and squeezing Stephen's balls.

They originally planned to use a prosthetic, but Stephen insisted on choreographing the scene using his own equipment, resulting in the most extensive full frontal shot in television history.  Probably movie history, too.  

Stephen jumps up onto the bed to confront BJ.

He grabs BJ and pummels him.

Having ground him into a pulp, Stephen drags BJ outside.

He intends to hose the semi-conscious BJ.

But he didn't count on BJ grabbing a handful of testicles.

See also: Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad

You're the Worst: a homophobic rapper hooks up with a gay stereotype.

Broad City: This ain't your daddy's Seinfeld

Adam Devine's House Party Episode 1.3: A bisexual foam orgy is promised

 Adam Devine's House Party (2013-2016) appeared simultaneously with Workaholics -- apparently  Comedy Central though that their viewers would watch anything with Adam Devine.  And maybe they were right.

Adam plays "himself" (with his usual goofball persona) hosting a party in a gigantic mansion.  He strikes out with girls a lot. Some of the guests play themselves, and others play fictional characters.  Comedians drop by and riff.  There are scripted plots.  In the first season, it's about 70% comedy sets, 30% plot.   You'll be reminded of the sitcom-standup mesh of The Larry Sanders Show a little bit, but it's really for fans of Adam's unique brand of self-referential comedy.   

I reviewed Episode 1.3, "Foam Party," because Adam is trying to get a foam-based orgy started, and because one of the fictional characters, Steve, is played by Tony Cavalero.  As far as I can tell, this is the first time the two worked together, six years before Kelvin and Keefe. 

Scene 1: Adam charging admission.  His parties are usually free, but today he's got a foam machine, so there's going to be a redunk orgy, no one with crabs allowed. A guy in the back yells at him. So Adam is planning to have sex with girls and guys both?  He invites the ladies to take off their panties,  and dudes, if they're wearing panties. 

Scene 2: People drinking, getting high. Ron Funches brought a rhubarb pie, but it's frozen solid. 

Scene 3: Ron Funches riffs on moving to Oregon and trying new things, like iced coffee,  white women, and bad rap: "If you can rhyme titties with titties, I'm a buy your album."  Ok, it's heterosexist, I'm fast-forwarding.

Scene 4: Steve (Tony Cavalero) looks embarrassed that the girl he's with, Ariel,  is drunk. He wants to leave, and tries to pull her away, but Adam intercedes: "We don't treat women like that. You're out."

Steve says "F*k you."  Preparing to fight, Adam kisses his fists; "He's warm. He's ready." 

As Adam makes martial arts moves, Steve says "You're weird!" and leaves. His girl remains.  "I'm king of the party!" Adam exclaims.  "Let's get naked!"   We see his bare chest and pixilated bottom parts.  

Scene 5:  Before anyone else can get naked, the lights go off!  No problem: Adam gives everyone glow sticks.  But now the foam machine is not emitting enough for an orgy.  

He tells the PA Guy (Steven Bailey) to fix it, but not to check the fuse box (Adam doesn't believe that fuse boxes exist).  He has to go to the basement and crank a hand generator.

Steven Bailey starred with Adam in Pitch Perfect, and wrote or starred in many episodes of House Party and Workaholics

Scene 6: Drennan Davis performs a rap song. "So many girls/wanna take them back to my room/ we hit the sack/ but first we be drinking, yo."  Fast-forward.

Scene 7: As the PA Guy cranks, Adam flirts with Ariel, Steve's girl. "If you were a mermaid, I'd still want to have sex with you, even though you'd be half fish, and that's bestiality."  Good point.

Scene 8: Brent Morin (the one with the bulge) talks about unsuccessfully trying to be cool: "Like, I'll be at a party, I'll see a pretty  girl, and...(fast forward)..."I met Bradley Cooper once.  Super hot...why did I say hot?  Whatever, I'm not gay, I'm not gay."  Having to specify so people don't get the wrong idea and look down on you?  Not cool, dude. 

Scene 9: No foam, and no lights: everyone is leaving.  Brent and Drennan (two of the comedians) want their money back: they're going to a better foam party at Jeff Ross's house.  A running gag in Season 1 has the guests leaving Adam's party for Jeff Ross's.

Adam sits beside the pile of foam with Ariel.  Just as he is about to kiss her, the PA Guy gives up the hand crank and flips the fuse box.  The lights go on. 

Ariel's boyfriend Steve returns; she rushes into his arms.  "Thank God you're here.  I thought this guy was going to rape me." Fickle, isn't she?

"No, it was consensual.  If it was consensual, I'd be down."  He winks at Steve. So you'd be down to have sex with Steve?

Steve challenges him: "Come rape me!"

"Ok, I'll rape you -- with my fists!"  You know that fisting is a sexual act, right?  "And with my knees!"Then the foam machine comes on and knocks him to the floor.  Steve drags his girlfriend off.  Adam gets foam in his eyes.  The end.

Beefcake: Just Adam's chest shot.

Heterosexism: Two of the three comedians are stultifyingly heterosexist, and the third builds his set on anxiety on being mistaken for gay.

Gay Subtexts: Although he only mentions hooking up with hot girls, Adam appears to anticipate a bisexual foam orgy.  

Fighting as a substitute for sex is a common trope in literature and film (note how straight guys often punch each other to display affection).  Here it comes close to the surface, with Adam's "I'd be down" and wink, and Steve's facetious suggestion that Adam rape him instead of beat him up. 

My Grade: Adam is thoroughly unpleasant, belittling ,demanding, and imperious, as well as dumb as a fence post.  We see some glimmers of this aspect of his persona in his other characters -- Kelvin became a tyrant with the God Squad in Righteous Gemstones Season 2 -- but it is offset by some essential goodness, vulnerability, or at least politeness. Just having someone who loves him around gives viewers the impression that he can't be all jerk.  But here the jerk rules.  Nobody at the party seems to like him at all.  And the heterosexism is rampant.  D

See also: Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 3.1: Adam marries a dude. And it's not Tony Cavlero.