RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: Shayne Topp: Nickelodeon teen, Barry's buddy, bodybuilder, sketch comedian who pretends to be gay and have a massive d*ck. We'll see.

The Goldbergs (2017-23) was a nostalgic look at showrunner Adam F. Goldberg's childhood experiences in the 1980s, with Sean Giambrone (here being murdered in the shower) as a stand-in for Adam. I wasn't a fan: most of the experiences involved attempts to meet, impress, or win The Girl of His Dreams. But it aired in the same block with Speechless and Modern Family, in the days before we went to all-streaming services, so we had no choice but to watch.

I liked Adam's older brother Barry (Troy Gentile), a muscular wrestler, and in Season 2, the gay-vague hippie-chill Matt (Shayne Topp), who struggles become his friend and join the Jenkintown Posse. As far as I remember, he never displayed any heterosexual interest, and he had a queer-coded attraction to Barry.

Plus he was exceptionally cute, and at 5'7", he was a member of the Short Guy Brigade. Who could ask for anything more of actor Shayne Topp?

How about a muscular physique?

And other parts of interest.

Into tie-up games.

And a reader.

Born in 1991 in Florida, Shayne played the unrequited crush of a Yu'pik girl in Dear Lemon Lima (2009). He was a regular in the teen variety show So Random (2011-12), and appeared in episodes of ICarly, Henry Danger, Sam & Cat, and Fred: The Show. He also did some fashion and n*de modeling. But he is best known as a sketch comedian.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

He has appeared in 383 episodes of Smosh, the Youtube-based sketch comedy show that began in 2002, and now has 11 billion views across all platforms. Plus many othe Smosh-related projects:

Smosh Summer Games, Smosh Live, Smosh Pit Weekly, Smosh Babies..

And some which are not immediately recognizable as Smosh-related: Every...Ever, If...Were Real, Bit City, the Spud Hut, Eat it or Yeet It, The Big What If...

Some of Shayne's Instagram and Facebook posts identify him as gay, but I think he's just pretending -- every Smosh member pretends to be gay at one point or another.

He's actually married to fellow Smosher Courtney, who frequently pretends to be a lesbian, but actually identifies as demisexual and pansexual: everybody is hot, but only after they establish an emotional bond. That makes Shayne an honorary member of the LGBTQ+ community.

Here Courtney is biting Santa Claus, played by Chanse McCrary, a Smosh member who has instagram photos kissing men and being licked by women.

But it's impossible to tell which are actually his real life and which are sketch comedy bits. This indeterminancy is giving me a headache.

The Smosh wiki says that Shayne has a "massive penis," but it also says that he has one and a half brothers (the half is a tree), he gets murdered a lot, and he likes to grill babies. The penis in the bondage photo above is massive, but it's probably not him, and this photo shows him with an average size.