"The Ropes": An unreliable-narrator Rashomon about nightclub bouncers. Take careful notes. There are some dicks, too

 

I was looking for some tv shows starring Joel Rush, and found The Ropes, a quickly-canned tv series based on Vin Diesel's early job as a bouncer.  Well, maybe there would be some beefcake. 

Problems: It was impossible to research among 1,300 other series called The Ropes, On the Ropes, and Learn the Ropes.   

It was available on Amazon Prime, but not if you used the Prime Search window -- you had to go through Google.  Even after buying an episode.  

More problems: Nonlinear narration, with people describing an event that happened earlier, then seeing the event from different points of view, and seeing the consequences of the event, but in jumbled order. 

Some of the guys are black/speaking in a stereotyped jive accent, and some are white/speaking in a stereotyped Guido accent, but within those categories, they look, talk, and behave exactly alike. This makes it very difficult to figure out who belongs to what plotline.  But for the sake of a review I'll try to piece it together.

The illustrations are whatever beefcake or nude photos I could find of the actors, in no particular order: Gonzalo Menendez, F. Valentino Morales, Brian Ahern, Brian Hooks, Joel Rush, Danny Abeckaser, Shawn Woods, Robert Ervin, Ramses Jiminez.  Plus a couple of random photos of guys with big dicks.

Setting: A very sleazy nightclub in New York, where they have both ladies dancing on poles and illegal gambling.  A squad of seven or more bouncer/security guards, whom the Boss calls "ladies" although they're actually men, is on patrol every night.

 Big Vic's Story:  Big Vic, who has the biggest dick in New York City, is infinitely attractive to every woman in the world.  He asks the lady bartender to have sex with him; she agrees. On the same night, or on another night, he's working the door, and lets in a girl who claims to be a model, but rejects the guy she's with.  He asks if she wants to have sex; she does.

While he is having sex with one or the other the bathroom, someone knocks on the door, saying that he's needed at the bar.  He ignores them.

Later, or on a different night, he goes out into the alley, and sees a sleazoid trying to push an unwilling lady into a taxi.  He intervenes and sends the guy away. Then her friend arrive and accuses Big Vic of taking advantage of her!  They drive away.

Uh-oh, a whole gang of bad dudes rushes into the alley to try to kill him! He's got the biggest cock in New York, not the biggest muscles.  He tries to fight them off, but they prepare to beat him to death when...

A smaller guy wearing a suit rushes in and annihilates them!  Big Vic is not happy to get his life saved by a nerd -- it's a major blow to his masculinity.  Then the nerd asks "Are you Vic Pendejo?" Har-har, pendejo means "asshole" in Spanish!  Big Vic angrily orders him to leave.

Ralphie's Story: One night Ralphie is screwing a lady in the Trash Room (no beefcake, but we see her butt).  And she accidentally butt-phones her Man, so he and his homies show up to kill him.  Big Les, working the front door, pulverizes them, but now they want revenge on him!  They return the next night, mistake Big Vic for Big Les, and attack. I guess people in-universe have trouble distinguishing the guys, too.

Later, the Boss complains that Ralphie is too feminine, and takes him off bouncer duty.  

The Kid's Story:  One night a Kid shows up at the front door just as they open.  Big Les, who happens to be working, won't let him in: no action so early anyway.  "Come back in two hours."

Two hours later, the Kid is waiting in a line that goes around the block.  They've reached capacity, so no one else gets in that night.  

He doesn't want to get in, he just wants to apply for a job, so he cuts line and asks Big Lou what to do. Yes, this is a different character, actually named "White Lou."    Big Lou sends him to the back door, where Big Vic is working, and tells him to ask for "Vic Pendejo," knowing that he'll get annihilated.   Instead, he sees "Pendejo" in trouble, being beaten to death by some thugs, and intervenes. 

Big Vic is so impressed that he offers him a job as his "intern."  All of the side deals at the club -- the drugs, hookers, whatever -- will go through the Kid.  For a salary, he'll get some of the bribes and "some ass."  Presumably girls, or is Big Vic offering his own?  

Rashomon after the break

Black Ninja's Story:  He tells Big Vic the story of Ralphie and the thugs, then discusses some kinky things the lady did when he was screwing her last night, when he's called into the boss's office.

The Boss's Story:  The Boss, sitting under a photo of a Cognac ad with a semi-nude lady, demands to know what happened last night. 

Big Lou:  He heard someone at the South Bar yelling "Bitch" over and over.  The Security Guard assigned to the station wasn't there, so he and some other bouncers rushed down and kicked the guy out.

"Well, he's rich and famous, and suing us.  Did you break his nose?"

"No,it was broken when I got there."

"Do yu have any proof?  Who was working the South Bar last night?"

Pole Dancer: She was at the other end of the bar, on her hands and knees, surrounded by guys bragging about their cock size and asking her for dates.  She heard someone yelling "Bitch!" over and over, but by the time she turned around, Big Lou had alread grabbed the guy.

"Who was supposed to be working Security at that station?"

"I think it was Black Ninja."

"That's ok, I'll take care of it," the Boss says.  "Let's have sex, and then you can get back to work."

Black Ninja:  He rushed down as soon as he got the security call, but by the time he got there, Big Vic was pushing the guy out. Wait -- not Big Lou?  He doesn't know who broke the guy's nose, but it was probably "one of those bartender bitches.  They crazy."

"You mean, our waitresses?" 

Waitress:  She saw the Pole Dancer being groped, and Big Lou, who was working security at that station, just stood there doing nothing, so she rushed over to intervene.  Then she heard someone yelling "Bitch," but by the time she turned around, Black Ninja was escorting the guy out. Wait -- not Big Vic?

"That's ok, I'll take care of it," the Boss says. "But you're not a dancer, so don't go near the poles.  Let's have sex, and then you can get back to work."

The Janitor:   He was cleaning up, when suddenly the Waitress yelled for him to go fetch a Security Guard.  He banged on the bathroom door, but Big Vic told him to get lost, so he ran to get Black Ninja.  They both ran down together, but by the time they arrived, Big Lou was escorting the guy out,

"Thanks, I'll take care of it. Let's have sex, and then you can get back to work."  Just kidding  

Big Vic:  He was working that security station, but he went to the bathroom for two minutes.

"Just two minutes?"

"Well, it may have taken three minutes. I was...um...busy."   We see the girl, but nothinig of Vic's dick.   

When he returned to his station, he saw a sleazoid groping the Pole Dancer.  She slammed his head onto the bar several times, breaking his nose, and Big Vic escorted him out. Uh-oh, they all lied! Or is Big Vic lying? Is this the Pole Dancer who refused to have sex with him earlier?

 The Boss cusses him, calls him a piece of shit, and tells him not to leave his post again. 

Wasn't that fun?  Complicated, though. I may have gotten some of the moves wrong. 

There are a few more stories interlocking, but I think that's enough for one review.

Beefcake: Some of the guys in muscle shirts.

Gay Characters: Richie screws ladies, but is criticized as feminine, so maybe he's going to come out.  The Boss leers at both men and women.

Heterosexism:  It's all about the ladies.

My Grade: I enjoyed the Rashomon-type storytelling, but with all of the guys looking alike and so many interlocking stories, it was too much work. C.

See also: Joel Rush's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Why does everybody else in his movies get naked?

Joel Rush's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Beefcake and nude photos, including the glory hole scene, a bare butt, and a gay kiss