"Scream Queens" Episode 2.2: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare dicks at a sinister hospital. Also, there's a serial killer. And some butts.

 I was recommended Glen Powell's shower scene in Episode 2.2 of the horror-comedy Scream Queens.  I watched ten minutes of the first episode when it premiered in 2015, and turned it off, but for a shower-scnee, why not give it another chance?

The premise: this is a genre-bending horror-comedy about a serial killer stalking co-eds, all named Chanel, with the headmistress played by Jaime Lee Curtis, the Last Girl from Halloween.  

Scene 1: In the last episode, a swamp monster played by Jeremy Batiste killed a patient at the C.U.R.E. Institute, where "the incurable are curable." Wait, I thought we were at a college. The cop is not impressed, and thinks that Outcast Chanel did it. Evil Dean Munsch, played by Jaime Lee Curtis, thinks that the cop  is an idiot.

The other two Chanels also think that Outcast Chanel did it, out of frustration because she's so ugly no one will screw her: "The closest shes gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her."  Why, did it have a book about sex? I don't get the joke.   And jealous because they scored hot dates with the Sleazoid Doctors, Brock and Cascade(Taylor Lautner, John Stamos, left).

Scene 2: The Sleazoid Doctors and Chanels are interviewing Tyler, played by Colton Haynes, who is covered with large orange tumors. Actually not disgusting.  So the Chanels have graduated with nursing degrees, and all gone to work at the Institute, and the headmistress became their boss?  That's not at all unlikely.   

His  regular doctors say that it is incurable, but the Sleazoid Doctors think that they can remove the tumors with a CO2 Laser.  Except they're are too expensive; there aren't any at the center. So just transfer him to a facility that has one.

Scene 3: A non-Chanel nurse and Chamberlain, played by James Earl, wonder why, if Evil Dr. Munsch was upstairs during the murders, she didn't hear the screams and growling?  She must be in on it.

Last season, she was in charge of a college, and plotted some crazy stuff, but the Chanels foiled her plan.  Dr. Munsch must have brought them here for revenge, sending the swamp monster  to pick them off one by one. So, what are her qualifications?  All she has is the honorary Ph.D. that the University of Pittxburgh took from Bill Cosby.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid Doctor #1 on his movie date with the Head Chanel. She reveals her favorite hobby: dropping popcorn on the floor, so the fatties feel bad about themselves.  He loves the idea!  

Meanwhile, Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel bond over stories of being the outcast in their cliques. He shows her a picture from before the orange tumors: he was hot!  She vows to get him the money for the CO2 Laser. 

More screaming after the break

Workaholics Episode 3.7: Bodybuilders for the Lord turn out to be gay, so the guys try to help. With Kali cock

Adam Devine said on his podcast that Workaholics Episode 3.7 inspired Danny McBride to offer him the role of Kelvin on The Righteous Gemstones.   I'm not so sure: this episode aired in 2012, long before the Gemstones,     Unlikely, since it aired in 2012, long before The Righteous Gemstones was ever conceived of.  But there are certainly parallels between the Gaylord's Force and Kelvin's God Squad.

Scene 1: The guys are hiding in a supply closet at work, watching The Lord's Force, bodybuilders who perform strength stunts.  "How did these buffed dudes escape my radar?" Blake wonders. Their interest in hot guys has never been more obvious.  

The Lord's Force is performing in town tomorrow. Adam wants to watch the show, then try out.  Der protests that the show is religious, and Adam doesn't believe in anything. 

"I'm very religious!  Father, Son, whatever.  Noah's ark, two animals having sex."

Scene 2: The show is sold out. They try to get in by claiming to be bad people who need salvation:  Doesn't work. Darn, I wanted to see the actual show.

Scene 3: They wait outside until two members of the Lord's Force, Ram and Samson (Adam Dunnells, Scott Connors), come out.  Adam begs them to go out for a beer with him.  Wait -- Evangelicals don't drink. 

Scene 4: At the bar, drinking shots. Ram and Samson go out to smoke. The guys don't smoke, but decide that it would be cool, so they rush out to find Ram and Samson.. .kissing?  They are shocked.

Of course, bodybuilders can't be gay, so the guys figure that they're just good buddies, checking o each other's breath, so they are ready to "kiss hot chicks"?  Strangely, I heard that on fan boards after the Kelvin-Keefe kiss. 

Their manager, Rev. Troy, pulls up.  This is a homophobic squad -- the guys are busted!  They claim that they are playing "gay chicken," where straight guys try to out-gay each other. Der demonstrates by moving in for a kiss with Adam, who backs away. "You lost!"

Rev. Troy asks God what to do about "the gay thing."  God says "Fire them." But they'll be stranded in a strange town in the middle of a tour. 

Scene 5: The guys are letting Ram and Samson stay with them.  They offer a "proposition." Misunderstanding, thinking that they want sex, Samson insists that they are not gay.  "No, of course you're not gay, Dudes with giant muscles are never gay." 

"Maybe I am gay," Ram says.  "I'm just really confused right now." Is he really "questioning," or pretending so he can stay in the closet.

Easy way to find out if you're gay: kiss.  If you don't feel anything, you're not gay.  Ram and Samson start kissing, and end up pawing all over each other. The guys are shocked, but double-down. "Ok, you've proven that you're not gay.  You can stop kissing now."

On to the proposition: let's start a Lord's Force. Samson and Ram aren't sure.

Scene 6: A montage of the guys going about their daily activities, running into Ram and Samson getting it on, and being embarrassed.  No one can sleep because of the bed-squeaking and moaning ("You're injuring yourselves working out").

 Adam catches them showerng together ("to conserve water"), and notes that they have monster dicks: "Chicks must love sucking those." 

Scene 7:   Finally catching on, probably because Ram and Samson are having sex right in front of them, the guys propose the Gaylord's Force, with a bicep-and-penis logo and and the motto: "If you can take the pain of a man's unit pressing into your butt, you've got the strength to do anything."  This is homophobic: not all gay men are anal bottoms, and those who are don't see it as an ordeal, but as an enjoyable sexual act. Plus "Gaylord" is often useds as a slur.  But the guys seem to believe that they are helping.

Der has had enough: "I don't mind the sucking and screwing, but are you going to be part of this show are not?"  That's not what I expected him to say.  Ok, they agree.

Scene 8: The guys are setting up a "gay stage" for the show, when Rev Troy pulls up in his van. He wants Samson and Ram back.  He'll offer up to $38,000 per year. A terrible salary!

They decide to go back.  They explain that they're not gay anymore: it was just a phase. They're actually just hypocrites, willing to stay in the closet to promote their career.  But the guys are welcome to come to their show tonight.

Scene 9: Rev. Troy begins the show: "We are the Lord's Force, and we are going to murder the devil." David (Kali Muscle) breaks a baseball bat in half. The Wolf breaks concrete blocks. Samson and Ram try to lift a 1,000 pound cross over their heads, but struggle.  Notice the parallel with the much-bigger cross in Kelvin's God Squad.

"I should never have asked you back, you pillow-biters!" Rev. Troy sneers.

Adam comes to the rescue, suggesting that they use "the Gaylord's Force."  They are able to lift the cross. Then they kiss!  Everyone in the congregation is shocked and storms out, but the guys rush onto the stage to congratulate them.  

Scene 10: At the house, some gay guys are waiting for the Gaylords Force show.  But Ram and Samson aren't coming: they're moving to Vermont to start a new life.Vermont legalized same-sex marriage in 2009.  The guys have to perform themselves.  

Adam notes that he's had sex with over five women, but he can still channel Gay Strength.  He pretends to break some pre-broken bricks and beans himself with a board, but then tears a real phone book in half.  The crowd applauds.  "I will sign your dicks!" he exclaims. The end.

Beefcake: Adam is constantly on display, plus some chest and pixilated dick shots of the muscle men.

Heterosexism: Excellent depiction of heteronormativity: "whatever Ram and Samson do must be what straight guys do, because gay people do not exist."

Homophobia: Again, the guys are gay allies, but the depiction of Ram and Samson is problematic.  Gay men are hypersexual, doing it constantly, and utterly unreliable,  selling out their friends twice.

My Grade: B

Bonus:  Cock shot of Kali Muscle, bodybuilder, actor, and best-selling author.

See also: Gemstones Episode 2.6: Torsten gets it up, Keefe holds Kelvin's dick, and Sky is skyclad

Join Kelvin's God Squad: Recruitment video gives us the dirt on the God Squad

The top photo, of Adam groping Ders, is an outtake from Workaholics 1.9: Adam kisses a cougar, gets frisky with Ders, and raps as a bodybuilding fairy wizard

"Am I Being Unreasonable": Disagreeable British lady fights grief, gets a girlfriend, has a dark secret. With bonus husband dick

 

The first thing that popped up on my Hulu recommendations this morning was Am I Being Unreasonable (2022): 

Unfulfilled in her marriage, Nic is grieving a loss that she can’t share with anyone.  But when Jen arrives in town, Nic's life is lit up with laughter and through this kindred soul her dark secret starts to surface.  

It does not sound like my cup of tea at all, but, maybe there's a lesbian subtext, and  Sam Bottomley, who I've met, is in the cast, so let's go.

Scene 1: Nic, a middle aged lady, is waiting for a train outside at night, when her husband Alex( David Flynn) calls her over.  He wrote "Merry Xmas" in the snow with his pee.  Hey, there's a pound on the tracks. Alex wants to climb down and get it, but the train is coming!  He'll kill himself!

Nope.  They get on the train -- well, Nic on the train, Alex on the "mind the gap," They discuss how much they love each other, and kiss.  Uh-oh, when the doors close, his coat is stuck!  No time to pull it off -- he's dragged to...Moral: Boys should only kiss boys.

Scene 2:  Nic watching tv with her son Ollie ( played by Lenny Rush, who has SED, a congenital disorder that results in dwarfism and bone problems).  They're discussing which soap opera character is a tramp, but it's time for school, so Ollie, the responsible one, jumps on his scooter.  The Snooty Neighbor is driving her kid to school, but doesn't offer them a lift: Nic fumes all the way down the lane, while Ollie advises her to let it go. Nice location shots of a quaint British village.

Scene 3: Back home, Nic is playing on her cell phone, when her friend comes in, hysterical because she hit a pheasant in her car. She describes the experience in gruesome detail.  

Scene 4:  Nic watches a soap opera on her phone in the cemetery, flashes back to her husband's death, and screams.  Later, Dan (Dustin Demri-Burns) comes in, says "I'm sorry I'm late," which I dislike: everyone who comes on stage in every tv show always says "Sorry I'm late."  

He hugs Ollie.  His son?  So this is Nic's second husband?  His pants have a wet stain in the front, so while he changes, they discuss their missing cat and a "fat fuck" who isn't using the internet properly.  

We cut to Nic having sex with her first husband, Alex -- no beefcake.  Wait -- he's not a husband, he's a side piece!  So Nic can't tell anyone about her grief over his death.  That happens a lot with LGBT people; you're not out to your family, so when your partner dies, or is sick, or breaks up with you, you can't say a word. 

Cut to Nic glaring at her husband while he sleeps.  She asks on an advice site if anyone else has a husband who "gives her the ick so much that her fanny dries up." Does "fanny" mean something different in Britain?

Scene 5: At some sort of carnival at Ollie's school.  Nic is running a game called Splat the Rat.  She meets one of the other mothers, Jen.  They bond over complaining about people, gaze into each other's eyes, laugh. Lesbian romance?

Ollie's friend doesn't want to play Splat the Rat because he might miss; he just wants the maoam, fruit-flavored candy.  Jen argues that it would be against the rules, but Nic gives him the maoam anyway, just to get rid of him so she and Jen can flirt some more.

Jen produces some booze.  Nic: "I could kiss you!"  Jen: "Don't do that, just make it weird."  If you're not into a lesbian romance, why are you flirting so aggressively?

Scene 6:  Nic introduces Jen to Mr. Graham, the gym teacher: "He's a bit of me," which I think means "He's hot."  She shows him how to Splat the Rat by holding him from behind, but Snooty Neighbor gets jealous and breaks them up.  She announces that they're going give Ollie 20% of the proceeds from the carnival, because he's...um....you know...that way.  This angers Nic, and embarrasses Jen and Mr. Graham. 

Scene 7: Nic and Ollie return home to a drinking-in-the-dark, crying Husband. We are not told why.

Husband frontal after the break

Kelvin sees a ghost: A Kelvin/Keefe romance

  

This story takes place shortly after the "blink and you miss it" sex scene in The Righteous Gemstones Episode 2.6.  

Kelvin didn't understand what was happening to him.  He was the son of world-famous mega-church pastor Eli Gemstone.  He appeared before 13,000 people at the Salvation Center every week, plus the millions watching him on tv.  He was a role model for thousands of Christian youth.  And hadn't he always stressed the importance of keeping your body pure?  You work out, you eat right, and you stay away from sexual temptation.  Why else would he surround himself with a God Squad of muscular men? 

And Keefe, his best friend, housemate, and assistant youth pastor for the last year?  Of course they loved each, as Christians; they called each other "Brother."  But this was so much different from the love he felt for his real brother and sister.  What did it mean?

His hands were injured and in bandages, so Keefe had to feed him, bathe him, dress him, even hold his penis while he peed.  This morning he was standing naked in his dressing room, and Keefe knelt in front of him to help him pull up his underwear...and it just happened, with no forethought, instinctively, as if it was an ordinary part of their day.  He had never in his life had an orgasm so intense.

Afterwards Keefe was unphased: he continued helping Kelvin dress, said "Nice!" (referring to the act?), and booped him on the nose.  Kelvin wanted to kiss him, he desperately wanted to kiss him, but instead he moved away and acted like nothing had happened at all.  Did that hurt Keefe's feelings?  

He knew that Keefe had a lot of gay sex in his old life, but he thought it just went with being a Satanist.  Was he actually gay?  Was he leading Keefe on, making him think that they could be a couple....but these feelings, love that was nothing like the love of a brother.  Desire?  He wanted to touch Keefe. Remembering what they did earlier, he became aroused again.  Maybe they were a couple already.

Kelvin Gemstone openly living with his boyfriend on his father's estate: The tabloids would love it!  The congregation, not so much.  Daddy Eli preached about tolerance and "welcoming everyone," but this was different.  He might reject Kelvin.  The house and cars were in his name; he had the legal right to call security and have them both escorted off the estate.

They were busy with God Squad stuff all day, a pleasant routine that kept his mind off Keefe and onto...other muscular guys? 

That night, while Keefe was cooking dinner, Kelvin wandered into his study.  (Daddy set it up for him, but he wasn't the scholarly type and rarely went in there.)  He tried to pull a Bible off the shelf, but of course with bandaged hands he couldn't quite manage.

"Need any help, Kelvin?"

It was a light feminine voice.  But the only women who had ever been in the house were his sister and his mother....

He turned: it was his mother, Aimee Leigh, sitting big as life in his leather chair!  Aimee Leigh, the famous Gospel singer -- who died last year!  

You're supposed to be scared when you see a ghost.  Why did he feel so warm and comfortable, immersed in a love so deep he could scarcely understand it?

"Mama, it's good to see you again," he said casually, as if she had been away on a trip.  Suddenly he wondered if he was dead, and she had come to lead him to Heaven.  No, after this morning, he was probably headed to the other place. "Are you really here?"

"I'm always here, Baby.  You know that.  I watch over everybody that I love, all the time, but I don't usually intervene.  You got to figure out things for yourself."

"Wait -- you're always watching?"  He flushed red.  "Then you saw me and Keefe this morning?"

She laughed.  "Baby, I'm not Santy Claus.  All I can see is what's in your heart.  But yeah, I can recognize that kind of joy a mile away.  I felt it often enough when I was with your Daddy."

Ugh, an image flashed fore him of Mama kneeling in front of Daddy Eli!  "Too  much information!"

More after the break