Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.


Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."


There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 


But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.



The World's Most Famous Christian
: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.


Keefe dances
: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

The Naked Thugs: Danny McBride thinks we "won't like these dicks." Is that even possible? With chubby guy bonus.




Commenting on the frequent male nudity in the first season of The Righteous Gemstones, Edie Patterson said "We're not gay baiting" (using the term wrong), and Danny McBride (Jesse) claimed that gay men "won't like these dicks." 

Nonsense.  All dicks are beautiful. Big, small, thick, thin, micro, they all draw us toward the power and promise of the male body.  

And the rest of these guys ain't bad, either.




They are a group of thugs hired in Episode 1.3 to take down Eli by destroying his satellite church.  He gets the upper hand and humiliates them by forcing them to run naked through the shopping mall.  

1. Casey Hendershott (top photo), who has played a variety of mobsters, bouncers, rednecks, serial killers, and miscellaneous miscreants.  He didn't show us his junk, but his physique more than makes up for it.



2. Zach Osterman, a Savannah, Georgia-based actor who appeared on Danny McBride's previous show Vice Principals. He's an avid cosplayer, gamer, comic book fan, ghost-tour guide, and pizza expert.  Some people with his physique get fat-shamed and size-shamed, so it took a very positive self image for him to agree to bare it all for Gemstones viewers.  

It was worth it.  He's easily the cutest of the trio.





3. Justin Matthew Smith, who has 29 acting credits on the IMDB, plus a special thanks for the short The Runner.  Nothing wrong with his dick.









The Running of the Butts.  The guys and some extras are forced to run through the mall nude, as the shoppers all laugh at them.

Why is male nudity assumed humorous for the viewer and humiliating for the subject?  If I saw one of these guys running through the mall, I would not be laughing.
 
Bonus chubby guys after the break

The Mick, Episode 1.12: Strong gay subtext and ample beefcake in this gloomfest. Dick and butt shots do not help.

 


The Mick (2017-2019) was a Fox sitcom (and you know what that means: raunch) starring Kaitlyn Olson of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (and you know what that means: raunch).A low-life grifter, she becomes the guardian of her upscale sister's kids after the parents flee the country to avoid a federal prosecution.  It doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but Episode 1.2, "The Wolf," features both Scotty McArthur and Andy Favreau, who are definitely my cup of tea, so let's review. 

Scene 1: Mick: "You've never sucked anything before."  Her boyfriend Jimmy (Scotty McArthur): "I'm sucking as hard as I can, ok?" Mick: "It's not coming!  Suck harder!" Actually, guys, a successful blow job is more about the lip and tongue act...psych!   He's not giving a blow job, he's sucking gas out of a car in a show room, so they can steal a different car.   Meanwhile, hetero-horny teen Chip (Thomas Babusca) impresses a lollipop-sucking girl by bragging about all the cool cars he'll drive when he gets his license.

Horny Teen brags to Mick and Jimmy about the girl he met on an online dating site; he's sending her money fo air fare so she can fly over from Russia for a visit.  Scam!  The grown-ups laugh at him.  "You know nothing about the real world."

Scene 2: Mick, her young adult niece Sabrina, and another lady  drinking beer in the kitchen. Niece tells them that her boyfriend Kai, introduced in an earlier episode, is back from studying furniture design in Scandinavia, and taking her out to dinner.  And here he comes, in a muscle shirt!  But he ordered Chinese delivery instead of going out, which makes Niece angry. And he didn't actually go to furniture school, because the application wasn't in English. "Loser!" Mick exclaims.

Mick's boyfriend Jimmy comes in and starts eating the kung pao chicken with his hands.  Mick notes that he used to be hot, but he let himself go, "grew breasts," and became into a slob.  And now Kai is on the same path.  Niece doesn't believe it.


Scene 3:
 Horny Teen at the luggage carousel at the airport, holding a bouquet of flowers, while Mick films him for humiliation.  There's only one bag left: a long-haired blond picks it up.  Horny Teen rushes to hug...a guy!  Gender misidentification joke, yuck. Mick is jubilant: "Watching you being destroyed was so good!"  Hey, you're the guardian.  How about comforting the kid?

She explains.  The world is full of wolves and sheep. Mick and the Russian girlfriend are wolves, taking advantage of people.  Horny Teen is a sheep, getting taken advantage of.  But he could change, learn to be a wolf. "Sure, what the hell."

Scene 4:  In a grocery story for the first lesson: a wolf takes what it needs.  Mick orders Horny Teen to steal a bag of chips.  He hides a bag under his shirt, and immediately is caught by the security guard.  

Out in the parking lot, Mick is eating the fried chicken that she stole.  She was using Horny Teen as a distraction!  Lesson 2: Never trust another wolf.


Scene 5
: Kai and Jimmy bonding in a sauna.  Jimmy: "Turns out he was Mormon all along."  You discussing an old boyfriend, dude?  Niece enters and wonders what they are up to.  "We got a friendship cooking."  Tell me more....

She asks Kai about his goals for the future. "Nothing, just hanging out with Jimmy...and you, of course."  "Well, get some goals, or people will think you're a loser."



Scene 6:
Off-track betting joint. Next lesson: how to spot a sheep.  Horny Teen suggests the guy waving money around like a jackass. The scam: you get mussed up, slip your wallet into the guy's pocket, and claim that he mugged you for your winning ticket.  The haul is $38 -- but they also ruined a $1,000 suit and sent a guy to jail!

Left: Andy's dick

Scene 7: Back home, Horny Teen is done -- this is totally immoral! Besides -- his online girlfriend is here!  She was detained by ICE, and she didn't have a cell phone to call on.  Horny Teen gives her some money for a cell phone and asks the maid to make up the guest room for her. Don't you, like, want to have sex with her?  Mick isn't buying it: she's a wolf.  The scam is continuing.

Scene 8: Kai in a towel, getting ready for a meeting.  "Oh boy," Niece thinks, "He's looking for a job!"  Nope, his meeting is with Jimmy -- also in a towel -- about their new business.  Women like hot guys, and they can't fix anything around the house, so Stud Nailers, shirtless household repair.  Hey, that's sexist and heteronormative!  Lots of ladies can fix things, and lots of guys like hot guys.  

They hug: "Having a business partner who's also a friend takes off a lot of the pressure." Aww, why don't you kiss him?  Oh, right, your girlfriend is there. "Now let's go hit that sauna."  Butt grab.  Gay subtext just turned into text.


Scene 9:
Dinner: pizza. Jimmy and Kai found a van for the Stud Nailers business. Good idea.  Photos of shirtless guys with big..um...hammers.  The Horny Teen's Girlfriend suggests a web show.  Also a good idea: Actually, that show already exists: "Flip the Strip."  

Niece tries to discourage them.  What's her problem? Does she think that the guys are actually having sex?

Next: Mick asks the Girlfriend about her intentions.  What does a wolf like her want with a sheep like Horny Teen?  Reveal: She likes him because he is a sheep, kind and gentle.  "He will neve hurt me."Aww. She's had to do a lot of things to survive.  

Jimmy: "We've all had to do things to survive."  Tell us about your hustler days, dude. 

There are two more nude photos after the break.  Plus the most disgusting concluding scene in television history.